I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye...surviving grief: death of a child

Grief Opportunities

2012-02-19T06:00:00.003-07:00

Look for opportunities that will help you on your grief journey. When you are ready (and don’t rush it), try to find an activity to distract your mind from your loss.

It could be something at your child’s school. Perhaps you always wanted to be a teacher, but you were too busy raising a family. Now you have the time. You may want to volunteer to help as an assistant in one of the classes. Schools can always use volunteers.

You may want to seek out a cause. For example, if your child was killed by a drunk driver, you may want to contact MADD or SADD and ask to be a speaker at one of their meetings or conferences.

You may feel like going to a football game, a basketball game or a movie. At a sporting event, you’ll be able to get rid of some bottled up emotions when you scream and shout for the team you are routing for. At the theater, see a funny movie so you can laugh. Laughing out loud is good for you and can calm you down.

If you are the type who likes to shop, go buy yourself a new dress or blouse. If you can think pleasant thoughts about looking pretty, you can improve your mood.

Perhaps you are religious and attending a church service or meditating are good activities and will force you to think of positive thoughts.

Spend time walking or running outside. The fresh air, the sounds of birds and other animals, the beautiful scenery and the good weather could lift your spirits and relieve tension.

Try engaging yourself in more family activities. If you have other children, they will not only be worried about you, but also feel left out. Remember, they too have suffered a loss, and it is hard for them also. By including them in your thoughts and activities, your family can remain close.

By doing any of these activities, you will meet new people and perhaps find in them a great support system to help you move on with your life. You can also contact many organizations that deal with child loss. My new book lists them all for you to peruse.

Whatever you decide to do, don’t do it because you are trying to get over your loss; do it because you are just trying to get through the loss. Everyone who has lost a child knows it is easy to suggest these ideas but it is another thing to do them and be able to help yourself on your road to recovery.

Diagraming Your Emotions While Grieving

2012-02-12T06:00:00.001-07:00

When you are on a grief journey, your whole reality changes. You are no longer the person you were before the death of your beloved child. You are facing the hardest challenge in your life. It is an emotional challenge to return to the living and move on with your life. Emotions can be overwhelming and many can not think clearly when on a grief journey. Your mind may wonder; you may have trouble focusing; you may have trouble making simple decisions or you may even think you are going crazy. Your mind may be confused, and you could feel disoriented.

You will need to find a new normal after the death. For some, grief can be more manageable if you can visually see your thoughts and feelings on paper. I encourage you to try this diagram exercise to see if it can be of help to you. .

As an example, in the middle of the paper put the words “GRIEF JOURNEY.” There are many different ways you can handle this exercise. First, draw lines from the middle of the circle and

(1) label each line with a thought or feeling that has come about because of your loved one dying. For example on one line you can put “anger.”. Next to the word, list why you feel angry. Another line could have the word “frightened” and you could list next to it what frightens you now that your child is gone. The word “emptiness” might also work for you. Or you may want to

(2) label your lines as to what will help you through your journey. For example, you could list “caring friends.” And next to it, list what friends can do to help you. Or another list could be “exercising” and what you would do to keep healthy.

Another way to do this diagram would be to change the middle of the circle to another topic related to your loss.

(3) use the middle of your circle as a label for “LIST OF GOALS” for the next year. This could be something as simple as cleaning out your child’s closet, redecorating your home, learning to play the piano or listen to music to sooth the spirit, whether it be rock, blues, classical or folk (music can be very healing). List as many as you can think of.

(4) Another topic for the middle of your circle can be “WHAT GIVES ME PLEASURE” during the day. You can include on your lines: reading, exercising, gardening or just working on the computer. They are all ideas you can do with little effort as you work your way through the pain. Think of some more for yourself.

When you get finished with your circle, explain what you have written to your spouse or your best friend. This diagram may allow them to understand how you are feeling much better and in turn, they might be able to help you on your journey through grief.

Don’t think for one minute that this will cure you and make the pain go away. But by expressing your true emotions, perhaps you can move towards healing very slowly, rather than be stuck and not know what to do. According to Alan Wolfelt, grief specialist, “We honor our emotions when we give attention to them.”

Without denying how much you are hurting, you still have a lot to be thankful for. Your life still has meaning; it just takes time to feel those emotions and act on them.

Dealing With Teen Grief

2012-02-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

Often forgotten as parents go through their grief journey is the other child, the sibling of the one who died. This other child or children also go through their own grief, feeling unwanted by both parents and isolated from their friends. They are now different; they are the survivors and can feel survivor guilt, whether it be a ski or car accident, an illness or a murder.

They don’t want to or can’t verbalize their feelings and sometimes retreat from everyone. This can become a huge problem both for the teens in school and in the family environment. Teens need a safe, environment to express themselves and because they know how much the parents are grieving, many seek professional support groups specifically designed for them or even seek help from counselors at school. Often times it is a peer group that gives them an outlet to express themselves without judgment. This can be through talking to others in the group or expressing their feelings through writing, music or poetry.

Everyone grieves differently, especially teenagers, and we must respect that uniqueness by providing a haven for them to do their grief work.

Below is a list for parents and teachers of 10 common signs of teen grief.

* Inability to concentrate
* Isolation
* Expressing feelings of guilt
* Idealizing the person who died
* Needing to tell and retell their story
* Acting out behaviors such as drugs, alcohol, permissiveness
* Change in eating or sleeping patterns
* Bullying or becoming the class clown
* Grades dropping
* Talking about giving possessions away and funerals

Parents should understand that although they, too, are grieving, they need to help their other children work through their own grief process and give them as much support as possible. By doing this, both the parent and child may find a new avenue of understanding each other that will lead to an even closer relationship as they walk the grief journey.

Grief is...

2012-01-29T06:00:00.002-07:00

Today, I bring you a poem written by Alice Wisler and a wise saying from Nehru to actor Glenn Ford.

Grief is laughing with your children and wishing for the absent one to make the circle
complete.

Grief is crying in your car at stoplights.

Grief some days makes you brutally honest; other days, grief muzzles you.

Grief reconstructs your heart.

Grief is sadness, hope, smiles and tears rolled tightly like a snowball.

Grief makes you search past the stars and the moon for Heaven.

Grief strips you of everything you were pretending to be.

Grief gives you new priorities.

Grief opens hidden treasures from deep with in your soul.

Grief allows you to empathize more deeply with others who ache.

Grief makes you unapologetically bold.

Grief is a daily companion, best dealt with by admitting you do walk with it, even after all these years.

Grief is the price of love.

And from actor Glenn Ford…He tells this story: The Indian Statesman, Nehru, gave Ford a rose and said, “Keep this rose and look at it for a long time.”
When the two men met again a year later, Nehru asked whether Ford had kept the rose and looked at it. Ford said, “Yes, I have.” “And what did you think?” asked Nehru. The actor answered, “I kept seeing the rose. Even after it faded and lost its petals, I kept seeing the rose.” Nehru nodded and said, “That is the secret of love. If you love something, you will see its beauty. Even if it fades and goes away, you will always see its beauty.”

The Inevitable Question

2012-01-22T06:00:00.001-07:00

On a recent cruise, I sat with five other ladies for dinner. It was not until the last night when the inevitable question came up: “How many children do you have, Sandy?” That has to be the most dreaded question a bereaved parent must answer.

I find the best way to tackle it is to say, “I have one child who was killed in a car accident.” The reactions are typical. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” they murmur to me from around the table. And then they feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say next.

The one lady who asked me broke the ice and said, “I lost my son also, to cancer.” Ah, a kindred spirit. I looked into her eyes and we formed a bond that nothing could break. We chatted across the table for a few minutes about bereavement groups and how some parents find it difficult to deal with the death, no matter how long it has been. I also mentioned to the others that statistics show that in any given room, 20 percent of the parents will have lost a child. I found that stat to be very high and was sure others would also.

The lady next to me then says, “Can we talk about something more pleasant?” She had never had children and obviously couldn’t relate. And so we dropped the topic.

After dinner, the lady who lost her son came up to me and said, “They don’t understand and never will until it happens to them. Don’t they know we want to talk about them? It’s all we have left.” I agreed.

That is the No. 1 thing that bereaved parents want most…to be able to talk about their child in a comfortable setting. They don’t want the child to be forgotten, so they bring them up in conversations when appropriate. It shows others that the bereaved parents are not afraid and want to talk, and in the process, others, too, may have a story to tell, particularly if they knew the child. Now everyone will feel more comfortable talking about the child to the parents. Bereaved parents should tell others it is okay to bring up good memories, because that is all we have left.

The greatest give we can get from others is a conversation about our child, as though they mattered and were important not only to us, but to others. They lived and now we must live for them through our conversations, activities we do, and memorials we set up in their honor.

When We Let Go

2012-01-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting our child that died!

...When we let go, we accept what has happened. That doesn’t mean we like what has happened but understand this is part of life.

...When we let go, we realize we will always love our child, no matter what they may have done in the past.

...When we let go, we are no longer the person we were before and never will be again.

...When we let go we are able to find some healing and hope in the midst of the worst possible thing that can happen to us.

...When we let go, the pain becomes bearable, although the hole in our heart will always be there.

...When we let go we are able to experience and enjoy a different kind of life.

...When we let go we are letting go of the familiar and trusting the unknown.

...When we let go, we can still integrate our life with our child’s. We can do many things in their honor, we can build memorials, we can help others.

Our child will always be a part of us, no matter where we are or what we are doing. We will find that letting go allows us to move on with our lives.

Remembering You Each Month

2012-01-08T06:00:00.012-07:00

Another year has now passed without you, my child. I loved you so much. Many occasions throughout the year remind me of you.

January was the month you got engaged, in 1992. You and Simon went to the cabin in Prescott, AZ, and he proposed to you there. You called, so very excited. Ironically, in 1999, my Godchild Marcy was born on the exact day you got engaged seven years earlier. She is a product of my daughter’s best friend Lynn, who honored her best friend by naming her after you. I was so pleased she did that.

February reminds me of the wonderful Valentine Day cards you never failed to give me, always cute, always funny, always signed, LOVE, Marcy. I have kept a lot of them. I wish I’d kept them all to look at from time to time. Now I only get one card with a loving message on it from my husband. It makes me smile, but I miss your cards the most.

March is the month you died, so it is not my best month. You and Simon had just bought a new car, driven it out of the lot and were on your way to your favorite restaurant to celebrate the purchase. Out of a side street came a white van speeding at 70 miles an hour and missing the stop sign, he slammed right into your new car. You didn’t know what happened; you died instantly. Simon lived, but it took him 15 years and many operations to recover. I have done many memorials and set up scholarships so that Marcy will not be forgotten.

In April I always think of the grandma you loved so much who was born during that month and how the two of you got along so well and always did things together. She was your best babysitter, always willing and available to help out when needed. I know she taught you many things that helped you mature into the wonderful person that you became. She died of a broken heart one year after you in 1995.

May brings Mother’s Day, probably the saddest holiday of the year because you are gone. We used to celebrate Mother’s Day by going out for lunch or dinner and you would give me a very sweet gift every year. You loved giving gifts: to me, to your father and to all your many friends. I always think of you on Mother’s Day and how it will never be the same without you.

One June in the late 80’s, I remember thinking it would be a great idea for you, my mom and I to go on a trip together. We chose St. Thomas on my mom’s birthday and spent 5 days there together shopping, sightseeing and relaxing in the sun. Mom’s luggage never arrived, and you thought it a perfect opportunity to get my mom some updated clothes to wear! It was one of the only times the three of us got to enjoy each other with no one else around.

July is your birthday month. I dutifully celebrate it each year as does a few of your friends, and I always go to the cemetery to personally wish you a happy birthday. You died at age 27, and this year you would have been 45 years old. (And it always seems like just yesterday I was holding you and wishing you a happy birthday.) You always asked for a sister or brother, but it was never meant to be. I clean your stone until it shines every time I go. I know you would have wanted it to always look good. You were always very organized and neat.

August, after graduating college, you headed to Los Angeles and got the most perfect job in the marketing department of the L.A. Music Center. You loved the work and the people you worked with, and they felt the same about you. You were so good at what you did and when I’d see stories written by you, I was so proud. Here, I was a journalist, took classes in school to learn to write, and you did it naturally, not from books. A stone dedicated to you is on the Music Center plaza near the water fountain.

September is my birthday month, and I miss your cute cards, your thoughtful gifts and all your hugs. Birthdays were special to you, and you always made sure that your Dad never forgot either.

October to me represents Halloween and all the years I had to help you dress up and trick or treat when you were young. You were a fairy princess, a cowgirl, and sometimes just a ghost. You always looked cute, and your dad and I always enjoyed trick or treating with you. You knew the candy had to be inspected before you could eat any of it. So, you spilled it on the floor when the night was over to go through and throw away any open pieces.

November and December were family holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas/Chanukah were your favorites. You loved having the family together for meals, you loved cooking some of the food and you loved the presents. Family was important to you, even though ours was small. You sometimes invited friends who didn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays and that was perfectly fine with us.

You never had a chance to fulfill your dreams; you had so many. You loved life, you loved others, and we, in turn, all loved you. I am glad I have wonderful memories to think of as each year passes.

You will always be a part of my heart and the heart remembers always.

New Year's Suggestions

2012-01-01T06:00:00.001-07:00

Happy New Year!

Each new year brings the question: What can I do this year to move on with my life, without my child? Here are a few suggestions for you to think about.

Our child gave meaning to our lives. Why not take the love we will always have for them and put it towards helping others when we can through volunteering. We know what it is like to lose a child, we know all about the grief journey. Helping others through this horrific event to move on with their lives helps us too. I know that I always feel good when I’ve been able to show others a new, meaningful path to walk through my writings or my speaking engagements.

Helping others comes in many forms. Volunteering in hospitals, particularly a children’s hospital can be rewarding. Even though you may not qualify as a medical assistant, just being there, talking to the children, perhaps playing games with them will bring out your training from within. The simple fact that you have mothered before allows an understanding you and another child can have. You may also want to share items that once belonged to your child. Seeing the look on their faces will be enough to know you’ve done a very special thing. Volunteering can also take place in a senior home where the elderly can get very lonely. All they want is company and someone to talk to and visit with them. Perhaps a small gift would be appropriate also.

Charities that raise money are another way of volunteering, particularly if that charity is meaningful to you. Your child may have died from a disease, such as cancer, and now you may want to support a cancer charity. This can be done in many ways. One is through donations. Another is to participate in one of their events such as a walk-a-thon, auctions, raffles, setting up equipment and/or working at a booth in one of their special events. In addition to helping, you can meet new people and be able to share your story with them.

It is always amazing to me to see bereaved mothers or fathers volunteering to fight for a cause or a change in our laws that will prevent other children from dying as theirs did. One mother became an advocate for not driving when drinking and speaks at MADD conventions and workshops, using her daughter’s life and death as her prime example of how one second can change your life forever. Another got laws passed in one state dealing with the driving age. Still another got tighter restrictions on gun control.

Volunteering at a soup kitchen or food bank is always needed, as are places that help the homeless with essential items such as clothing. Dedicate a few hours a month to a cause that interests you or one you feel strongly about.

This new year fight back to a meaningful life again. It is not easy, but I know that is what my child would have wanted for me, and I try my hardest to be happy about something or do something meaningful at some time each day. Eventually, it will come naturally to you too.

Holiday Message

2011-12-25T06:00:00.019-07:00

A message to all bereaved parents during this special time of year from Sandy Fox:

On this special day we remember our child, all the wonderful times, all the love, and all the dreams we had for them. May these precious memories be forever in our minds and hearts.

Karen Taylor-Good has written what I think is the most beautiful song expressing how we feel about losing our child. Join me in listening to it on this free mp3 download (don't miss putting in the two underscores after the word 'free' and after 'mp3' to get it right) at:

www.karentaylorgood.com/free_mp3_downloads.html
"A song can travel to places in the heart that the spoken word alone cannot go."

Happy Holidays to all.

Mourner's Bill of Rights

2011-12-18T06:00:00.005-07:00

I always feel it is useful to hear other professional points of view that deal with surviving grief, and I love author, speaker and grief specialist Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s list of what he calls “The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.” I hope you will too. Thanks, Dr. Wolfelt, for helping so many with your words.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hust and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your question may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Recounciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

More Tips for Handling Holidays

2011-12-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my friend Sandi Howlett, grief specialist, here is a list of more tips for handling the holidays. Use whatever is helpful to you and Happy Holidays.

DECIDE WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE COMFORTABLY AND LET FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOW. Can I handle doing a family dinner or shall I ask someone else to do it?Should you stay here or go to a completely different environment? I will miss the person and grieve regardless of geographic location, so where do I prefer to do it?

RE-EXAMINE YOUR PRIORITIES, GREETING CARDS, HOLIDAY BAKING, PUTTING UP A TREE, FAMILY DINNER AND OTHER TRADITIONS. Do I really enjoy doing this or is it a tradition we like or an obligation we endure? Would the holidays be the same with out it? Is this a task that can be shared?

MAKE SOME CHANGES IF THEY FEEL COMFORTABLE FOR YOU. Vary the timing of holiday gift giving. Have dinner at a different time or place. Let other children or relatives take over decorating the house.

RECOGNIZE YOUR LOVED ONE’S PRESENCE IN THE FAMILY. Light a special candle to quietly include your child. Hang a stocking in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Listen to music especially like by the one who died. Look at photographs and relive your memories.

FOR HOLIDAY SHOPPING, GO THROUGH A CATALOGUE. SOMETIMES YOU CAN EVEN GET THINGS CHEAPER AND YOU CAN AVOID THE CROWDS.

OBSERVE THE HOLIDAYS IN WAYS WHICH ARE COMFORTABLE FOR YOU. There is no right or wrong way, but do let others know what you will be doing.

TRY TO GET ENOUGH REST—HOLIDAYS CAN BE EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY DRAINING.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss. It is natural to feel sadness. Share concerns, apprehensions, feelings with a friend.

CONSIDER DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Donate a gift in memory of your child; donate money you would have spent on your child; adopt a needy family, or invite a guest to share festivities.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO HAVE FUN. Laughter and joy are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.

This and That

2011-12-04T06:00:00.003-07:00

Worldwide Candle Lighting…

The annual worldwide candle lighting is this Dec. 11 in remembrance of all children gone too soon, any age, any reason. Mark it on your calendar. Services and special events will be held around the country. Check the Compassionate Friends website for those services open to the public. Last year there were over 500 in 15 countries around the world. If you don’t want to go to a public service, you can do your own quiet candle lighting in home with friends or even by yourself. What ever works for you is a acceptable.

Regional TCF Conferences…

Regional conferences offer a rewarding opportunity to share an intimate time with families that are going through the natural grieving process after a child’s death. There are three upcoming ones:

Frankfort, NY regional conference will be March 23-24 with this year’s theme “Wilderness of Grief…Is There Hope.” The conference will feature speakers including Drs. Heidi and Gloria Horsley, Dr. Darcie Sims and entertainment by Alan Pedersen. Planned are 14 workshops covering many areas of grief. For more information, contact Dusty rhodes at 502-223-1505 or by writing drhodes@fewpb.net .

Kansas regional is February 17-18 in Olathe, Kansas at the Doubletree.. The theme is “Sunflowers of Hope-Walking Together Down Grief's Yellowbrick Road." Keynote speakers are Alan Wolfelt, Darcie Sims, Kris Munsch and Alan Pedersen. Dr. Wolfelt will be doing a professional morning from 8-11 a.m. Friday, February 17 with three CEU's provided by KU Medical Center (no charge for the Professional Program, but registration will be required to know how many people to expect). For more information, contact sunflowerskc@hotmail.com .

Western Pennsylvania’s regional conference is April 20-21 in Meadville, PA with the theme "Treasured Memories." Look for additional information soon.

For all these regional conferences, contact Compassionate Friends for more information: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

35th TCF Conference…

Rev. Canon Simon Stephens, the worldwide founder of TCF, will attend the 35th Compassionate Friends National Conference and International Gathering in Costa Mesa, CA, July 20-22, 2012. He will travel from his home in Moscow to speak to the gathering. Additional speakers will be Darcie Sims, grief management specialist and author; Lois Duncan, author of "Who killed My Daughter", and Kathy Eldon, bereaved mother, journalist, author, producer and activist. It is recommended you make reservations at the Hilton Costa Mesa early as they expect to be sold out soon. More information is at the Compassionate Friends website.

Making a Holiday Plan

2011-11-27T06:00:00.002-07:00

For most of us, the upcoming holiday season will be difficult. It doesn’t matter if your child died last month, last year, 5 years ago or over 10 years ago. We never forget what the holidays were like when they were around: the joy, the laughter, and the delicious meals. Anything they were a part of will always be in our hearts. We will never forget them or the time we were fortunate to spend with them.

Each year I make a plan with five ideas in mind that were given to me by a friend.

First, I predict that the most difficult parts of the holiday season for me will be seeing the joy on a child’s face just as I used to see it on my child: the first time she got to put ornaments on a Christmas tree, the first time she got to go caroling, or later on, the first time she got to bring a gift to a senior home. I will also not be able to buy a gift for my child, even though I’m sure I know what she’d want. Just going shopping, knowing I’d see that special light in her eyes when she opened the package was a great feeling.

Second, the most difficult people to be with might be those who have children my daughter’s age. They now would have children of their own, and I dream of what it would be like for my child to have her own family. I have been to dinners with those who have no surviving children and, although it is sad, at least I don’t have to listen to all the news about the children and grandchildren.

Third, words that would be helpful for me to hear would be my child’s name in a conversation. I don’t want others to forget her. I never will. And when her name comes up and a story about her is told, it is like music to my ears. Memories are all I have now, and I cherish anything that someone else remembers that I may not have known or that triggers another story that I can personally tell.

Fourth, my support people (those who can hear my grief) are my husband, relatives and very dear friends. My husband (not my daughter’s father and never met my daughter) likes to hear stories and is very supportive of anything I may want to do or in her honor. For example, he always accompanies me to the cemetery whenever I feel like going, and he knows how important doing little things in her honor or memory is to me. A few relatives and very close friends are also comforting with thoughts, words and deeds that make me feel good.

Fifth, this year I want to include the following traditions in my holiday celebrations: I want to have people over for dinner who I enjoy being with, particularly those who knew my daughter and are not afraid to bring up her name in conversations. I also want to help disadvantaged kids. I am collecting items and money to buy things for them that they need, according to various organizations. And finally, I’m considering helping serve Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners to those who are homeless. Volunteering is always rewarding.

Think about these five ideas and what has happened in your life. Then fill in these phrases and sentences for your own personal holiday plan, and you may find it a rewarding season for your family and others.

A Thanksgiving Remembrance

2011-11-20T06:00:00.003-07:00

I always enjoyed Thanksgiving each year and the good foods offered from family members along with the holiday cheer, laughter and love. Our family was small: my daughter Marcy, my husband, my mother-in-law, my parents, and my step-brother’s family. The 10 of us enjoyed the festivities each year at one of our homes, all of us taking turns every few years to prepare the turkey.

The last Thanksgiving we spent together in 1993, a few months before my daughter died, was especially nice. She had just gotten married and she and her husband drove in to be with us. We had so much fun, but there are two things that will stays with me always about that particular Thanksgiving and always puts a smile on my face.

The first happened after dinner. Marcy and her husband went into the guest bedroom and took out the trundle bed, pushing it together, I could see her unhappy face. “What’s the matter?” I asked. “We were just married a month ago,” she said, “and you expect us to sleep in two different beds!” She was serious! And I just laughed. “You’ll have a lifetime of sleeping together,” I said. “This one time of being a few inches apart won’t matter.” Little did I know they would only have four months together before the car accident.

The second incident happened when they were leaving a few days later. My husband put a U of A sticker on the back of her car as they were backing out of the driveway (she was an ASU graduate). She saw us laughing, knew something was up, stopped the car, got out and went around to the back, saw the sticker, took it off, put it on “our” car and drove off waving and smiling. It was so typical of Marcy and my husband, who always teased each other. My heart overflowed with love for her wit, sarcasm and generosity. It was a time of happiness I will never forget, since it was the last time I ever saw her in a family setting.

Now when Thanksgiving rolls around, we usually spend the time with my best friend and her family. It is always nice to be with them, but Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday I look forward to. Everyone but my husband and I have a family member there. They are all laughing and talking about the latest gossip or stories from the children and grandchildren. I don’t have anything to share, so I just sit and listen. I smile at the stories. I know they don’t understand how much I miss Marcy and how I would love to tell a story also. I don’t expect them to understand or acknowledge her; it’s been 17 years. They are not bereaved parents. But it’s hard just the same and always will be.

Thanksgiving is a holiday for us to give thanks. I thank God I had Marcy for 27 years to enjoy, hear her laughter, see her tears, smell that perfume she loved so much, and always touch and hug her. Yes, I still have something to be thankful for on this and every Thanksgiving: my beautiful daughter that I will always love and cherish.

Infant and Miscarriage Loss Book

2011-11-13T06:00:00.002-07:00

Children die at any age for any reason. One group of mothers whose stories seem to be less written about is those who have a miscarriage or lose a small baby. Melissa Eshleman of Norway has written a new book “Always Within: Grieving the Loss of Your Infant” in hopes of helping families deal with the loss of a pregnancy or an infant.

Besides a series of stories from those who have endured this type of loss, Eshleman also offers insight from her own experience, losing her son when he was just four days old. She says that losing a pregnancy or infant is such a devastating experience for parents and families, she hopes this book helps in the grieving process. She added, “It’s like having a compassionate and caring support group right at your fingertips.”

The book has stories of more than 20 parents who have dedicated their time and energy into recounting the difficult moments and events following their losses. Each chapter includes helpful advice from parents and thoughts on what family and friends can do to provide support during this difficult time. There are also ideas on how grieving parents can help keep their children’s memories alive through the years, as well as comforting poems, quotes and Bible verses.

Eshleman lost her infant son, Lucas, in 2001. Afterwards, she joined a number of infant loss groups, finding that she could accelerate her own healing process by helping others. Because she knows first-hand the challenges of dealing with such grief, Eshleman said she wanted to fill the void of information that parents need after they lose a baby so suddenly.

“When I lost my son, I was like a lot of parents in that I had no idea where to turn or what to do. I felt alone in my grief,” she said. “It took me too long to find infant support groups and to find comfort in reading the stories of others.”

Although a Norway author, her book can be ordered online at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com.

"Good Job, Mom"

2011-11-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

My daughter always asked me, “Mom, when are you going to write the great American novel?

I would smile, first thinking of how good it made me feel to know my daughter Marcy considered me a good writer. Then thinking, “Could I really do it?” Of course I could. “One day, I said to her. “One day.”

I never dreamed that my great American novel would first turn into a tribute to my daughter in the form of a book on surviving grief and end up being a catharsis for me. I never dreamed I would, ten years later, continue to want to help others and write a second book on surviving grief, still dedicated to my daughter.

I find whatever I do in life now is a reflection of how I want my daughter to be proud of me. “Good, job,” I can hear her say. She would say that a lot, whether I won an award, bought a new car, or dressed fashionably in her eyes. When she and her fiancé went to Maui and stayed in my newly purchased condo in the early ‘90’s, she wrote in my guest book, “We loved it here. It’s perfect. We plan to come back soon. Good, job, mom.” Of course, it was never to be. She died less than a year later.

When I speak at a bereavement conference, write an article for a magazine or decorate my home, my husband says, “Good job.” And I smile, always thinking of how Marcy would have agreed with him.

I believe our children who have died are always with us in one way or another. I believe they guide us when we have important decisions to make. I believe they watch over us when we need them by our side. And I believe they encourage us to do important things in life to make us better people.

I can still feel Marcy hugging me when she was leaving for the airport the last time I saw her. Her body felt so soft as she leaned into my outstretched arms. As she walked away, I thought, “This beautiful person was my creation, and boy, did she turn out to be special.” She turned once to wave and all the enthusiasm, vibrancy and love emanated from her to me, as if she was telling me this would be the last time we’d be together. I never foresaw that. Only love poured from me to her.

Will I write the great American novel? Perhaps. One day. I’ve got a lot left to do in my lifetime, one of them being to fulfill Marcy's request. She will always be in my heart, continue to guide me and be there for me every step of the way. I hope I will make her proud and hear her say in my mind one day when I finish that book, “Good job, Mom!”

For Bereaved Grandparents

2011-10-30T06:00:00.001-07:00

This is Part 3 in a 3-part series of feelings expressed by the bereaved who belong to Compassionate Friends chapters all over the world. This writing is from a grandmother’s perspective, a completely different view. She is from Missouri. All Compassionate Friends chapters welcome grandparents as well as parents and siblings to their meetings and national conferences..

I am powerlessness. I am helplessness. I am frustration. I sit here with her and cry with her. She cries for her daughter and I cry for mine. I can’t help her. I can’t reach inside and take her broken heart. I must watch her suffer day after day and see her desolate.

I listen to her tell me over and over how she misses Emily, how she wants her back. I can’t bring Emily back for her. I can’t even buy her an even better Emily than she had, like I could buy her an even better toy when she was a child.

I can’t kiss the hurt and make it go away. I can’t even kiss a small part of it away. There’s no Band-Aid large enough to cover her bleeding heart. There was a time I could listen to her talk about a fickle boyfriend and tell her it would be okay, and know in my heart that in two weeks she wouldn’t even think of him. Can I tell her it’ll be okay in two years when I know it will never be okay, that she will carry this pain of “what might have been” in her deepest heart for the rest of her life.

I see this young woman, my child, who was once carefree and fun-loving and bubbling with life, slumped in a chair with her eyes full of agony. Where is my power now? Where is my mother’s bag of tricks that will make it all better?

Why can’t I join in the aloneness of her grief? As tight as my arms wrap around her, I can’t reach that aloneness. Where are the magic words that will give her comfort? What chapter in Dr. Spock tells me how to do this? He has told me everything else I’ve needed to know. Where are the answers? I should have them. I’m her mother.

What can I give her to make her better? A cold wet wash cloth will ease that swelling of her crying eyes, but it won’t stop the reason for her tears. What treat will bring joy back to her? What prize will bring that “happy child” smile back again?

I know that someday she’ll find happiness again, that her life will have meaning again. I can hold out hope for her someday, but what about now? This hour? This day? I can give her my love and prayers and my care and my concern.

I could give her my life. But even that won’t help.

Margaret Gerner

If Only They Knew

2011-10-23T06:00:00.001-07:00

This is the second is a 3-part series of parental thoughts of their child who died. This one is from a Compassionate Friends chapter in Australia.

If they only knew that when I sometimes weep quietly, it’s not in self pity for what I have lost; I weep for what he has lost, for the life he loved, for the music which filled his very being…for the poetry which moved him to tears, for the beauty about him that daily fed his soul, for the exhilaration and excitement of flying the skies, of searching for his God in the vast space of the universe. For all that, he loved and lost, I cry.

If only they knew the feeling of deep grief, the emptiness, the dull pain, the endlessness of death, if only they understood the insanity of the platitudes so freely spoken: “time heals…you’ll get over it,” “it was fore the best…” “God takes only the best,” and realized that these are more an insult than a comfort, that the warm and compassionate touch of another means so much more. If only they knew that, we will not find true peace and tranquility until we try to stand in the shoes of others. If only they knew that we will not be understood until we learn to understand compassionately, and we will not be heard until we learn to listen with hearts as well as minds.

If only they knew that when I speak of him, I am not being morbid. I am not denying his death, I am proclaiming his life. I am learning to live with his absence. For 26 years, he was a part of my life, born, nurtured, molded, and loved; this cannot be put aside to please those who are uncomfortable with my grief. If only they knew that when I sit quietly, apparently content with my own company, I am not self-indulgently unhappy, dwelling on things which cannot be changed. I am with him, I am seeing his face, hearing his voice, remembering his laughter, recalling his excitement and joy in life. Please allow me this time with him, as I do not begrudge you your time with your children.
Jan McNess

Communicating With My Child

2011-10-16T06:00:00.001-07:00

For the next three weeks I’d like to share with you three parent’s views on the death of their child. All appeared in newsletters of a Compassionate Friends chapter somewhere in the world. This first one is from California and the mother here talks about conversations she has with her child.

Eighteen months ago, I dedicated a bench to Philip. It’s in a space Philip would like, out in the natural world, with abundant wildlife and wonderful views across hills and sea.

I go there often to spend time alone with my beloved son. I sit on the bench, look at the vistas, and remember our family as it used to be. I talk to Philip. I make him promises. I ask for his guidance. I muse on what his life would be like now. I tell him how deeply I love him, how missing him gets harder with each passing year. I tell him about his brothers, about his sister-in-law and his little nephew, both of whom he never met. I tell him how important he is to us. I tell him that we will never forget him, that though our lives are five years past his death, we still think of him all the time and want him with us. I tell him that I am having a terribly hard time accepting that he has died, and that I am doing the best I can.

I have no idea if I am communicating with a Philip who has survived death or with myself, who hopes he has. Sometimes I think I feel an impatient nudge, a sort of, “Get on with it, Mom, it’s not what you think” message. Sometimes I feel his arms around me in compassionate understanding. Sometimes I don’t feel any response at all.

I am grateful for these private times with my child. Whether he lives on in some other sphere, and how I hope he does, or whether he resides only in our deepest heaerts, there is an honoring of him in these conversations, a recognition of his existence and its importance, that matters very much to me.

I believe that we all need to find our individual ways of keeping the channels to our children open. My conversations with Philip may seem odd to some people, but they are right for me. I encourage you to honor your own private ways of communicating with your beautiful child, whatever thay are. If you are searching for the channel that will work for you, consider what some other bereaved parents have found helpful: poetry, painting, journal writing, hiking in the natural world, daydreaming, music, meditation, lighting candles, wearing a deceased child’s clothing, sitting in his/her room, playing a sport she/he loved, and many others.

May the time spent in Private dialogue with your child bring you peace-filled moments, a renewed sense of connection, and strength to continue the difficult journey we are all on.
Kitty Reeve

A Mother's Worst Nightmare

2011-10-09T06:00:00.002-07:00

When Jeanne and Ray Buesser’s son, Danny, died, Jeanne said it was like a road falling away from her. She was numb. She didn’t know how she would survive one day, even one hour.

Jeanne has survived both the death of her son from a tumor in his abdomen, the sudden death of her husband two years ago and the subsequent diagnoses of her other two sons, one with apraxia, the other with autism. How much can one person endure?

It was the apraxia that was so confusing to both Jeanne, Ray and many other parents, since it is very hard to detect in early stages of development. She told me that what happens is that children cannot produce the correct sounds to verbally make themselves understood and the words come out garbled. Because the child cannot phonetically break down words, there are many learning issues. It is hard for them to read and they have trouble processing. She emphasized that in most children, the intelligence level is unaffected. Her goal is to get the information out there to help others.

When I speak of Jeanne, I have nothing but praise for her courage and fortitude to make the most of the hand that God has dealt her. She realizes this is a tough road, but is determined to make it through. The comfort she gets from family and friends, the Compassionate Friends group she belongs to and from helping others learn about apraxia has been extremely beneficial.

I hope I was also helpful to Jeanne when I encouraged her to get her story published about her son and apraxia, since it is not a well-known disease at all and the public needed to be educated. The book that came about from this is He Talks Funny, a children’s book on the subject, but one that any parent can go through with their child and learn much also.

Jeanne is a very busy lady. Besides taking care of her two boys, she runs a non-profit support group for parents of children with speech impairments, is president of the Apraxia Network of Bergen County New Jersey, outreach coordinator of the Cherab Foundation (a world-wide foundation for children with speech impairments), speaker at conferences on the topic, publishes articles on Apraxia, PTO treasurer at her son’s school, president of the Learning Disabilities Association of NJ, and volunteers at a local Temple doing mailings and cooking for Feeding the Hungry.

Her latest endeavor is a book focusing on poetry she wrote through the years on her own personal journey in addition to a little about her life before her children. The book is Journey…From Darkness to Light and will be available soon. Her many poems are simple, direct and full of all the emotions that build up each day after your child dies when you feel totally lost and empty. As she says in one of her poems…her loved ones will always be with her…she knows they are safe inside her heart and mind. Those of us who have lost children understand the torment, the anguish and the incomprehensible loss she speaks about. Her comfort, she says, is in knowing that one day they will all be reunited.

Keep checking for the publication of her new book and visit her website at http://www.apraxiaofbergen.weebly.com/

Grief, Loss and Peace of Mind

2011-10-02T06:00:00.009-07:00

Today’s special guest columnist is Dr. Lou LaGrand, grief counselor and author of eight books, the most recent,“Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved”. In this ezine article he shares his ideas on good grief.

Are you in a state of confusion? Have you made the decision that you will get through this loss? Are you confronting your loss and fears? If not, why not?

Peace of mind is the ultimate goal of good grief so that one can begin the work of reinvesting in a life in the absence of the physical presence of the deceased. Peace of mind is also an inner strength that has both emotional and biological value of immense proportions. From it flows unexpected joy and a new energy base. But how can a mourner get it in the turmoil of grieving?

Even though you may be grieving, everyone has the capacity-regardless of background or experience-to obtain this precious commodity. Achieving inner peace is not only one of the tasks of your grief work, it is the foundation for adapting to perpetual change. Here is one proven approach to consider in this quest.

1. It all begins with desiring it; really wanting it 100 per cent (not, 50, 75, or 98 percent). If you decide yes, it becomes one of the highest priorities of daily life. This intent is essential. You will base decisions on what is important for you to challenge or to let go of. And, you will be more open to learning what others have accomplished in order to find inner peace. Be aware that there is great wisdom out there in the experience of others. Recognize that peace of mind is an ongoing work in progress, not something you "get" and do not have to maintain.

2. Take a personal time-out each day. For most, this is the most difficult part of finding peace because it means cutting into the rapid paced living style that is characteristic of western culture. Look at your daily schedule and find a way to spend 20 minutes just for yourself. Get away from it all, the telephones, radio, and television. Seek the solitude you deserve. Listen to soothing music or visualize your favorite nature view as you are lying down with your feet elevated on a pillow.

3. During reflection time, review your past life for what you are grateful for. This is another key piece of inner work that is necessary to change your inner focus. Include the positive authority figures in your life, the books that influenced you, your friends, clergy, and the experiences that taught you important lessons. This daily task will positively influence your unconscious mind and the effect it can have on your self-image and your coping image.

4. Each day at reflection time, further develop your gratitude attitude by writing down at least three things you are grateful for that happened the preceding day, whatever they may be. You made it through the visit with your attorney, an old friend telephoned, you had a great, loving flashback memory, one of your kids said "I love you," you thoroughly enjoyed your visit to the seashore, or your loan application was approved, are examples. Don't forget all of the so-called little things--your mobility, a place to sleep, an automobile, neighborhood, abilities you use, and hobbies. You will profit significantly from where this developing mind set eventually takes you.

5. Adopt the belief that you always have a silent partner--your Higher Power. Your Higher Power (God, Krishna, Allah, The Source, The Universe) will always be there with you. You are never alone. You always have a divine being to turn to for help. There is no separation from this Power. Ask for assistance, the wisdom to fully examine and make the correct choices. You will receive it. Pray for the strengthening of this belief and watch the results unfold in your life as many before you have reported.

6. Make it a habit to start living according to this scientifically proven observation: for every thought or emotion you accept there is a corresponding physical representation of that thought or emotion in your body. When you grieve, every cell in your body feels the tension. Negative thoughts heighten stress levels; they possess great power to minimize you as a person. Keep putting this question to yourself, "Do I want peace or conflict to dominate my life? Rid yourself of negativity.

At all costs, avoid common energy drains. Yes, it is hard work. You have to be vigilant and aware of what you allow to stay within. For example, forgiving others and yourself puts money in your energy bank. Choose loving thoughts and joyful memories to energize you because what you give out keeps finding its way back.

7. Every day give yourself a relief break from grief work. Allow yourself to be distracted from grief. Accept an invitation to eat out. Go window shopping. Find something to do that gives temporary release from sadness. Everyone needs it. Smile back. And it's okay to laugh when appropriate. You are not showing disrespect to your loved one in any way. These breaks are absolutely necessary to your mental and physical health. They will promote healthy grieving without illness.

8. Last but not least, peace of mind is attainable if you choose to exercise daily and make it a major goal of reinvesting in life. Physical activity is not only a proven stress reducer, it will increase blood flow to the brain. Numerous studies have shown that exercise releases natural tranquilizing chemicals in the brain bringing relief from the constant demands of grief work. Walk daily for a mere 20-30 minutes.

Make the commitment today to self-care and you will take a major step toward eliminating unnecessary suffering as you grieve the loss of your loved one.

Coping As a Single Bereaved Parent

2011-09-25T06:00:00.001-07:00

“No one is there in the middle of the night to offer soothing words or comforting touches. No one is around for joint decision making. No one can hold me during those moments when the pain is unbearable.” These are words from single parents who have lost a child, particularly an only child.

To a certain extent you can count on friends, relatives, other grieving parents and counselors to be of some help, but what is necessary to survive and move on with your life is different for each one of us, and we must remember that. Your grief, in some degree, will last your lifetime.

Even though we all know that losing a child is the worst imaginable event in life, there may be some advantages to be a single parent. Some feel fortunate not to have to deal with someone else’s needs full time after a loss such as this. It allows you freedom to do your grief work and allows you to rebuild a life in your own time.

One grieving mother said, “I can grieve alone and with absolute abandon, without concern that my moaning, screaming, or withdrawal will upset my spouse. I do not have to force myself to be on guard with words or actions. I am not on a different grieving track from my spouse; therefore I am not dealing with resentment or misunderstanding from another or having to feel guilty for my own grieving state or for not comforting him. When decisions are necessary, there are no differences or friction. The only tension, anger or moodiness is with myself.”

However, for those who have other children to worry about and care for, your job becomes twice as difficult. Now you must deal with them while trying to keep your own head above water. Loneliness, heartache for the loss of your child and worry about your life and lifestyle are common concerns.

“You can not change what happened,”…an important message that you need to remind yourself of each day. You will have to deal with new problems you encounter, as well as the daily ones, whether you have lost your only child or have others.

You will find that your mind will continually go back to the moment before your child died and wonder if you could have done anything to save him/her. When we find ourselves slipping back into the darkness of our pain, one counselor said that it is okay to go back to do whatever has helped you in the past deal with painful situations. For example, one mother found peace in going to Yosemite National Park each year on her son’s birthday and then began to move on with her life. Recently, she found a need to go back there to bring that peace and comfort back into her life. It worked for her.

Maintain a support system of some kind, especially if you have lost your only child and have no other living family. No one can do everything themselves; no one is that strong. Don’t turn people away when they are willing and able to help. For example, a friend may ask if she can do your shopping for you or help you cook some meals. Don’t be too quick to say “No.” Your friend will feel like she is doing something helpful, and you can probably, whether you want to admit it or not, use the time to take care of something else.

Listen to yourself, pay attention to how something feels and trust yourself and your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right, avoid it, if possible. Take care of yourself emotionally. Others would like to see some joy in your face eventually as you would also. Take care of yourself physically also. Exercise, eat right and get a good night’s sleep.

Always remember that you will survive this, while you always remember your child. They will always be with us, watching over us, and that is, indeed, a great comfort and a reason to move on with our lives.

Removing Photos of Deceased Daughter

2011-09-18T06:00:00.003-07:00

Some of you may have read an article about a New Jersey mother who was forced to remove photos of her deceased daughter, Tatiana, from her cubicle at work, as well as Tatiana’s ballet slippers.

Tatiana was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia in 2003, but fought it into remission. Two years later the cancer returned and she eventually died in May of that year.

Cecelia Ingraham’s boss allegedly told her that several of her co-workers had complained about her tendency to talk about her daughter’s death, which made them uncomfortable. And he said she could “no longer speak of her daughter because she is dead” and should act as if her daughter ‘did not exist.’” The mother sued her workplace for discrimination, constructive discharge and intentional infliction of emotional stress.

The ruling was against the mother saying that the defendant, the pharmaceutical company she worked for, did not intentionally inflict emotional stress on the mother. “I was still in shock. Nothing was coming out of my mouth at the time because I was in disbelief,” Ingraham said. And I said to my boss, “I can’t believe that. I don’t see anybody avoiding me. They always come over, they give me my work.

Afterwards, Ingraham left work and didn’t come back. A few days later she had to have heart surgery for sudden heart palpitations. Soon after her recovery, she resigned from the job and entered the lawsuit.

The reason she lost the case: according to the presiding judge, the workplace is too complex to concretely narrow down motives. “The workplace has too many personal conflicts and too much behavior that might be perceived as uncivil for the courts to be used as the umpire for all but the most extreme workplace disputes,” said the court.

She then appealed, and in a ruling issued Aug. 25, state appellate Judge Victor Ashrafi, wrote, "There is no question that any reasonable employer should know that telling a grieving mother not to talk about her deceased daughter might cause emotional distress. But a severe reaction was not a risk that one should expect.

"The workplace has too many personal conflicts and too much behavior that might be perceived as uncivil for the courts to be used as the umpire for all but the most extreme workplace disputes," the judge said.

While a jury might consider that Ingraham's boss was "insensitive" and "negligent of plaintiff's vulnerability in her continuing bereavement," his behavior did not sink to the legal standard, the judge added.

Some reader reactions to this story:

“I was lucky to find love and compassion. I hope this Mom can rise above and find support outside of the workplace. To add resentment and unforgiveness to a heart already broken would be a terrible burden on her. Nicki

“I am very fortunate as my co-workers embraced me and I have pictures up in my cubicle of my beloved Kaitlyn. My work even let me take a course on how to survive grief. They were just wonderful.” Sue

“That was thoughtless and cruel. We need to talk about our children. That is what helps us cope everyday. Those heartless people should be more sensitive and have better understanding, particularly if they are parents too. It makes me fuming mad to know this happened.” Felix

“I, too, had trouble at my last job, my new boss told me to put it out of my mind, stop thinking about it…I was also told I was being let go because my employees didn’t fear me enough (since I cried in front of them, I showed weakness.” Sonya

“If she can’t have pictures of her dead daughter, then no one else should be allowed to have pictures of their living children either.” Cyndi

“Tragic…what a bunch of small minded and self-centered coworkers! I pray none of them ever suffers the loss of a child!” Debbie

“What people don’t understand, they criticize. What they fear, they attack.” Teresa

“A real healing, humanitarian position by a company that makes pharmaceuticals that are supposed to help people. How ignorant!” Peggy

"I do not think this woman should be fired, I think she should be able to have photos of her daughter in her cubicle within reason and the ballet slippers. I think to tell someone “your daughter is dead” is cruel, but I see the right and wrong with both sides here. Sorry for disagreeing with most of you." Ann

“This happened to me also, but I was given the option to transfer to another department. There should be some laws protecting us from cruel punishment to grieving parents. Tara

“I was told not to talk about my daughter and to take my daughter’s pictures down. Then I was fired two months later, not that I was talking a lot, but they said the pictures were affecting my job performance.” Sherri

“I worked at a teaching hospital in the pediatrics department for 24 years, went to work there when Laurie was 1 year 2 months old. Took off two months after she died and my boss begged me to come back to work, said we could cry together, she didn't care if I just sat there and didn't do anything. Some people came by and said how sorry they were, others have never to this day said anything, but no one ever told me not to talk about my Laurie... I would have quit before I would be denied that right... Don’t they know that fearing that we will forget our child is the number one thing we worry about?” Laurie

“Cecelia…keep fighting, never give up!” Helen

If you have an opinion you’d like to express, whether you agree or disagree with the ruling, please comment, and I will print some of the comments and thoughts on another blog at a later date.

World Trade Center-Thoughts 10 years later

2011-09-11T06:00:00.003-07:00

Today is the 10th anniversary of the terror attack on the World Trade Center. Our hearts go out even now to the thousands of people who died that day: children, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers and friends. So many people mourned, are still mourning and will never forget the worst terrorist act on American soil. I sincerely doubt whether any of us, whether involved or not, will forget what happened, and we will all remember what we were doing that day when our world changed forever.

I had just flown into New Jersey 6 hours prior (we got in very late because of mechanical trouble) and was asleep in the Day’s Inn at Newark Airport when a phone call from my husband in Phoenix woke me up and said to turn on the TV. I was in New Jersey for a 5 day book tour to sell my first book, “ I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye” after speaking at bookstores and talking to bereavement groups around the state. When I turned on the TV, the whole world had turned upside down. I saw the towers burning, the newscasters telling what had happened, the people and images of which I will never forget.

I was to be on a TV news show that morning to discuss death of a child and my book and thought I’d better get over there and see if I was still going to be interviewed. The doors to the TV station were locked. I knocked and knocked; finally someone came. I was told no one was allowed inside. I explained I was to be on TV in a few hours and was told that all TV programming was on hold. I went back to the hotel and waited. On the New Jersey turnpike I could see across the river, the smoldering embers of what was once the two tallest buildings in New York City. A deadly silence prevailed during the shocking first few hours.

During the 10 days I spent there (plane travel was suspended for 5 of those days), I met many people who had lost loved ones or friends at the World Trade Center. My book signings were not as full as I had hoped, since most people were glued to their TV sets or mourning those they knew who had been killed.

Of those who did come to the book signings or bereavement group meetings to hear me speak, one woman had a friend whose son had still not been heard from five days later. The mother still hoped. Another had just spoken to her cousin who’s son had been pulled out of the building alive. Still another lost her husband when his fire unit went into the second tower to help survivors. Many from his unit had also perished. Internet and phone service was down, so many did not and could not hear from loved ones those first few days. A subsequent bomb threat to the Empire State Building caused evacuation of all buildings in the area. Cameras captured actions on the ground and words in the air. Burned into our memory are shouts and mumbled prayers in the after-hours.

There were also pockets of order where command posts with volunteers handed out bottled water and food. Police, firefighters, bureaucrats, contractors, military, doctors, nurses, clergy and even thieves gathered to give what help they could.

The horrendous idea that thousands of people fell to their death in the hole made by 110 floors worth of rubble and medal was unthinkable. Most of those people were dead; a few lucky ones survived. I watched it all on TV for many, many hours. The coverage in the New York area exceeded any on TV's across the nation.

The fact that I was at many bereavement groups talking about grieving and coping with a loss was comforting for many people. There were so many stories, so many people and so much sadness. Here they could express heartbreaks, fears and hopes. I understood all this. My daughter had died seven years prior; I understood their tears, their silent screams and their overwhelming sense of loss.

My new book was definitely timely for what had just happened. I had just written about surviving grief and here were the families of thousands of people just starting their grief journey. If I could help even just one person, it would be comforting to me personally.

My involvement in this day and afterwards will stay with me always. (I discovered from an FBI phone call a few weeks later that a few of the hijackers were next door to me in the Days Inn. I never saw them.)

This event was the start of my own personal journey to help bereaved parents in any way I could: by my writings and by my speaking to groups and at national bereavement conferences. Ten years is a long time but we must remain vigilant and never let something like this ever happen again on American soil.

"On a normal day, we value heroism because it is uncommon. On Sept. 11, we valued heroism because it was everywhere."~ Nancy Gibbs, Time Magazine Special Edition

Needing Professional Help

2011-09-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

Your child has died suddenly. You are in deep depression, you can not express your grief or manage your feelings of sadness and anger, and your use of drugs or alcohol is found not to be the answer. Often, people in these situations don’t know where to turn. Finding a good counselor to help you through the grief process is recommended. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, in an article in Grief Digest, offers advice on how to go about this.

He says first is a recommendation from a friend who you trust. If they have had a good experience and feel you will too, they will want to help by giving you that name. It is worth a try but does not mean you can’t try alternative methods.

A local hospice center may have some counselors on staff or can tell you where to find someone. A hospital, family service agency and/or mental health clinic maintain a list of referral sources.

A self-help bereavement group usually maintains a list of counselors specializing in grief therapy.

Your personal physician is often knowledgeable about bereavement care specialists.

Finally, an information and referral service, such as a crisis intervention center, has lists of counselors who focus on bereavement work. According to Wolfelt, you want to be sure and seek out a good “grief” counselor, not just any counselor that might, for example, specialize in marital counseling, not grief counseling. It is important for the counselor to understand how you are feeling and there are many grief specialists out there who have also gone through the same experience and truly understand.

Wolfelt says to look in the Yellow Pages for those citing grief or bereavement as a specialty. Another credential to look for is certification from the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC).

Finally, he says, ask the following questions during your initial consultation with a counselor:
What are your credentials and where were you trained?
Have you had specialized bereavement care training?
What is your experience with bereaved people?
What is your counseling approach with a bereaved person?

You may find that the grief journey is too difficult to handle on your own, and any help that is in your community is usually appreciated by the bereaved.

DON'T

2011-08-28T06:00:00.002-07:00

There are many “don’ts” in the eyes of a newly bereaved parent. I have heard many of them myself as the years progress, but some of these, written in a TCF newsletter recently, bear repeating and hopefully, once and for all, bring the point home to friends and relatives who want to know how to act and react to your loss. Please share them with others.

DON’T use the word “closure;” there is no such thing as far as the death of my child…that word is an insult to all people grieving a loss.

DON’T tell me to get over “it”…my loved one was not an “it”… I’m forever changed and won’t “get over it;” be prepared to get to know the ‘new’ me. I am on a never-ending journey that has been forced on me. I did not choose it; I did not ask to be on it. It is a journey that lasts forever.

DON’T be put out if I don’t accept your company because I do appreciate the offer. I’m just a mess right now and not good company.

DON’T talk about your children, their honors, their colds, their problems. It just makes me feel cheated/sad/angry. Let time pass and perhaps I can be more responsive at a later date.

DON’T put a shelf life on my grief or a time limit on when you think I should be over grieving. I am doing everything possible that I think I need to do every day.

DON’T use words such as ‘lost’, ‘gone,’ or ‘passed on;’ Just use the word ‘died.’

DON”T tell me about the losses or the coping styles of others. I can only take in my own story at this stage. I don’t even want to watch the news as everything else except my loss seems so trivial.

DON’T be afraid to look me in the eye; I haven’t got a contagious disease.

DON”T change the subject; if I didn’t want to talk of my child, I would not mention him/her.

DON”T push me into making any big decisions and changing too much in the first year.

DON”T panic when I begin to sob uncontrollably and don’t seek to cheer me up or calm me down prematurely. Tears are often very healing and this is something worth crying about.

DON”T say inane things like my child is in heaven or in a better place. I want them here with me!

DON”T try to fix me; most people adapt to loss by ventilating their loss in an accepting and validating environment…so don’t suffocate my ventilating by avoiding the subject.

DON”T try to accelerate the process of my bereavement. Be assured I am doing all I can to work through my shock and grief…just be very patient with me.

DON’T just stay for the funeral and then move on; you might learn a lot yourself from choosing to connect with me ‘little and often.’

Moving Forward

2011-08-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

When I first started going to Compassionate Friends conferences, I met a TCF board member and president that I considered to be an eloquent speaker and a fabulous writer. He did eventually write a book about his son who died from a man’s perspective, “Into the Valley and Out Again.” I so enjoyed his wonderful words of wisdom at each conference and looked forward to them. Like everything else, nothing lasts forever and Rick Elder suddenly died a few years back. We lost a compassionate, friendly person who wanted, like many of us, to help others through the grief journey. Occasionally, we are blessed with some writings he left behind that TCF, their magazine and the various chapters reprint in their newsletters. A recent one I read had some thoughtful lessons for those bereaved, five years down the road. Below, I summarize his thoughts and what they meant for him, me and others.

People enjoying themselves, laughing at a TCF meeting, greeting each other with hugs, appearing so normal after their child died. At first this irritated Rick, as it did me, when I would see someone actually enjoying themselves and acting like they didn’t have a care in the world. But both he and I have learned three valuable lessons over the years.

1. Life goes on and we must too. Gradually the pain eases and the warm memories replace the sadness. Time is a great healer. I was teaching school at the time my daughter died and realized that on many days it was 6-8 hours that I didn’t think about her. At first, I felt surprise and then guilt as most of us do. But then I realized, as he did, that we are moving forward. We are looking to the future. We will never forget, but our child’s death is not the all-consuming factor in our life. We choose to enjoy friends again. We choose to go out to dinner or to parties again. We choose to laugh again. Isn’t this what our children would want us to do? They would not want us to sit around, crying and mourning their death forever. Nothing we do will bring them back, so moving forward is the best alternative.

2. We become grateful for what we have, not focused on what we have lost. There are many people I know who say they will never get over their loss and some even contemplate ending their lives. They ignore other family members, causing many additional problems. But Rick says these people should also think about the ways they have been blessed, as well as hurt. Most people have more to be thankful for than they realize: health, other children, a loving family, a career they enjoy, financial security, life in a free country, a faith that works for them, a true best friend and a spouse they love. Nobody has it all, but compared to the rest of the world, we have a lot.

3. The life we now lead will be better than it would have been. He emphasizes this does not make our child’s death a good thing. Our child’s life mattered; in some small way the world will be better because our child lived and we are the ones who can make it so. We have been changed forever, and we have different goals and priorities. We don’t “sweat the small stuff.” What was once important to us is insignificant now. We know what matters because we know what is irreplaceable. We understand how others who have lost a child feel because we have been there too.

We will never forget our child nor should we. Sure, we would give anything to have our child back again, but that will not happen. It is up to us now to go forward and create a new normal, which we can do.

The Labyrinth of Grief

2011-08-14T06:00:00.003-07:00

I read an article recently by Sandra Howlett, grief specialist, who talked about walking through a labyrinth, like a maze that eventually leads to the center if the right path is chosen. In a labyrinth, there is but one choice to make—to enter or not. The labyrinth is a metaphor of the journey inside oneself to gain understanding for living in the world. In this case, Sandra became increasingly aware of the parallels between walking the labyrinth and the journey of grief. I found the comparisons she makes startingly familiar for myself. I thought of my friends who have gone through this and even those I don’t know personally who are on a grief journey. I hope everyone reading this gets a personal insight into this particular labyrinth: the labyrinth of grief.

Some of the points Sandra makes:

She saw a single way in and out but no quick way to get from here to there. As you walk in a labyrinth you can lose sense of how long you have been there. Grief time can get convoluted…from standing still to totally losing track of time.

Other’s footprints were in the sand reminding her that she was not the first nor would she be the last who would walk this path. It was a comfort to know someone else had been there. At other times there have been others in the labyrinth with her, each on his own journey at his own pace, silently stepping aside to allow each other to pass if they meet in the same "lane." It is possible to be in the same lane and going in opposite directions. Such is grief, as everyone does it a little bit differently.

The design of the labyrinth includes what appears to be backtracking switchbacks on the way to the center as well as to the exit. Grief often feels like two steps forward, one step back—taking a lot of time or effort with indiscernible results. There were moments of impatience and frustration that she wasn’t moving ahead (aka healing) as fast as she wanted to, meeting switchbacks on the path and wondering when she would get to the end. She reminded herself to simply put one foot in front of the other and trust that she was going to get to where she was going. The faith in that simple strategy helped her squash other worries, concerns and distractions…just one step at a time.

A couple of times she stumbled and almost fell, but caught her balance. Her first thought was to look around to see if anyone saw her. Why do we concern ourselves with what others might think when we are struggling and doing the best we can?

At the ‘halfway’ point of the labyrinth is the center, an open area. For some reason, the walk out seems faster than the journey inward much like returning from a trip. One recognizes some of the terrain and feels a little bit clearer in the navigation. Familiarity of knowing the way or an eagerness to find ways to integrate any insights gained may be the reason.

There are no ‘dead ends’ in a labyrinth, only switchbacks and changes of direction moving closer or further from the center. There are no dead ends in grief work either, only paths than move us closer or further from a peaceful heart and healing.

After lots of back and forth, going over the same roads and finally making progress, the opening to exit always seems to come up quickly. While the entrance and the exit are one, it is the experience and wisdom of the journey that makes all the difference.

The Three T's for Grievers

2011-08-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

If you are a bereaved parent, I have what I call the three T’s for grievers.

TEARS
Crying is a natural and healthy emotion. You will shed many tears for your child now and probably forever. That is okay. Tears cleanse the body and soul. After a good cry, you are able to resume what you were doing. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s been long enough; that you should not shed tears anymore. Cry whenever you like or whenever you get the urge. Good friends will always understand. After 17 years I still cry at the smallest, most insignificant things that remind me of my daughter: a beautiful day where the sun shines, a beautiful sunset, a special song, a movie, a play…all the things that my daughter is missing because she is no longer here. I pick up seashells on the beach as she used to, but quickly throw them back. The intensity of the moment brings tears to my eyes. Most bereaved parents can think of many similar times. But when the tears dissipate, you, like me, will feel drained but better able to cope with another day.

TALKING
You need to talk, to let others hear your story, to let others know you want to talk about your child. Your child lived, was a beautiful human being, and you want him/her to be remembered. Let others help you through the grief process by being supportive. Talk to your spouse, your parents, your friends, your religious leader or a grief specialist. Don’t tell them “how” you are feeling. Tell them “what” you are feeling. Certainly, don’t pretend you are fine. You are not fine and will never “get over it.” You may lose old friends who don’t understand, but you will be challenged to find new ones who do understand and want to help. Those further on the grief journey can help you learn how to cope and will gladly try to be of help, because, in turn, by helping you, they are also helping themselves.

TIME
Time is the great healer of human beings, but time does not heal our grief over the death of a child. It only softens the intensity of the grief. Hopefully, you won’t always feel a 10 pound weight on your chest. You will eventually find a new normal, but life will never be the same as it was before this tragic death. Your grief is not on a timetable. Others can not expect you to heal in a few weeks, a few months or even a year. Everyone grieves differently and at different times and is entitled to move at his or her own pace. Others should understand you will always have a hole in your heart for your lost child.

We, as bereaved parents, are dealing with the worst thing that can ever happen to us. We need friends to be there for us through our tears, to hear what we have to say, any time of the day or night, no matter how long that journey takes. If you have friends who will do that, they are, indeed, true friends and you are very lucky.

Dreams and Their Meaning

2011-07-31T06:00:00.001-07:00

Four months after my daughter’s marriage, she was alive and well and planning the move to a new home they could call their own. It was one of the things I loved to do… look at homes, analyze them and make suggestions. So, when my daughter said, “Come out to L.A. mom, and help me look. I’m having trouble finding just the right house for us,” I decided on a whim to go. I knew that if we looked and found a suitable place, I’d give her a down payment for the home, even though she expected nothing from me.

We spent a whole weekend looking; the homes were out of sight price-wise in 1994 (but by comparison to homes 10 years later, a real deal). A two-bedroom small older home that needed a lot of work was $800,000, far more than most could afford. When we saw a $600,000 home on the market, we’d get into the car and drive over. In most cases, we were disappointed…too much remodeling needed, a new roof and paint job, and two bedrooms was just not enough. They wanted a family.

“But Mom,” she’d say, “You’re looking at a very typical home for that price. We’ll have trouble even affording that, but what choice do we have.” I could see that a fixer-upper would be their only hope of something affordable. I went home, disappointed that weekend that we couldn’t find the perfect fit. Less than a month later, Marcy died in a car accident. I would never see that beautiful house that I pictured in my head, nor would I ever see my daughter in it.

Why, then, so many years later did I have a dream about Marcy and her husband buying a home? What was the significance of that dream? Experts such as Dr. Patricia Garfield in her book, “The Dream Messenger” says that visitation dreams tend to be “warm and fuzzy” and provide a way for us to keep connected with our child. They leave us feeling as if we really talked to or held our deceased loved one. We can smile because these are good dreams, according to Dr. Garfield, not disturbing nightmares or bad dreams.

We want so badly for these dreams to be real because in them we held our child and talked to him or her. Upon waking, we may lie there in the morning and may cry because we want our child to be with us in our waking life also.

I have found that most of my dreams about Marcy are good ones. I do not know that much about dreams or their meaning, but can tell you this: record your dreams and keep a journal of them. You may one day meet someone who can interpret them for you and you may be surprised and delighted as to what you are told they mean.

Editor’s note: If there is anyone reading this who can enlighten us with more information about dreams and their meaning, please send it to me and I’d be happy to print it in an upcoming issue.

Highlights of the TCF Conference

2011-07-24T06:00:00.004-07:00

Friendship, understanding, workshops, banquets, speakers, sharing sessions, the walk to remember, and getting key information to take home with you, made up the 34th 2011 Compassionate Friends National Conference that I attended this past week in Minneapolis. I also spoke at two of the workshops.

The conference started Friday morning with keynote speaker Mitch Carmody, bereaved parent and author of Letters to My Son. He lost his son Kelly to a cancerous brain tumor and is a twice bereaved sibling to a brother with cerebal palsy and a twin sister and her two young boys in a car accident. He is the popular workshop presenter of “Whispers of Love, Signs from Our Children.” Mitch also performs interpretive sign language.

Other keynoters included: psychologist Carol Kearns, author of Sugar Cookies and a Nightmare at the Friday luncheon. Her daughter was swept out to sea by a rogue wave. Saturday evening speaker was David Morrell, author of the poignant Fireflies and best known for creating Rambo. His son died of a rare bone cancer. Finally at the closing ceremony on Sunday was Mary Westra, who recently published her memoir After the Murder of My Son, following the senseless and brutally violent death of her son in 2001.

Over 100 workshops for parents, siblings, and grandparents covered most topics related to the death of a child. This includes many workshops for parents with no surviving children. A butterfly boutique, silent auction and raffle, reflection room (providing a peaceful atmosphere to withdraw into private reflection), a remembrance candle lighting Saturday evening and a special Friday evening performance of “Best of How to Talk Minnesotan The Musical” that has played to over 1 million visitors highlighted the conference.

Each evening sharing sessions in small groups divided into types of deaths were held so that those who wanted to share feelings and ideas could speak to others with the same loss.

A complete bookstore was provided by Centering Corporation, who only deals with grief books brings audio and video CDs and DVDs, books and other items of interest to the bereaved.

On the last morning a two-mile Walk to Remember was held for all conference attendees. Everyone participating wears the special t-shirts designed from this year’s logo and theme, “Shining Stars, Guiding Hope”.

Said one attendee in relationship to the logo, “We look at our children as shining stars who remain for us beacons of light and hope in the darkness.”

My two workshops I gave were “Dealing With Difficult Situations As a Bereaved Parent” and a panel discussion with those more than 7 years into their grief journey. Some other workshops offered included such topics as finding hope after a loss, sudden death, dealing with a suicide or drug overdose, loss of an infant or adult child, communication issues within bereaved families, surviving the first year, what do I do now, the bereaved parent five years later, scrapbooking: remembering our children, finding healing by telling your story, humor and grief, journaling as a healing tool, writing and publishing your book, anger, guilt, holidays and grief, what to do with child’s possessions and many many more.

I also tried to attend other workshops when possible and enjoyed them all. I reunited with parents I met at other conferences as well as meeting new attendees. I found the conference to be informative, and I could see how others were able to find help in dealing with their grief journey.

If you couldn’t make it this year, plan to attend next year’s conference in Costa Mesa, California, at the Hilton Hotel, Orange County/Costa Mesa, July 20-22. You will not be sorry.

The Meaning Behind the TCF Conference

2011-07-17T06:00:00.004-07:00

The National Compassionate Friends Conference has just concluded, and I have made some observations I'd like to share with all of you. Three groups of people attend this specific conference for a variety of reasons and get more meaning and understanding from it than one can imagine.

The first group is the bereaved parents. This group can be broken up into three main categories: the newly bereaved, those who are working through their grief journey and the seasoned griever, whose goal it is to help others.

The newly bereaved made up the largest group. Over 500 of the 1,500 people who came were newly bereaved (from 1 month to 3 years). We knew who they were because they wore red hearts on their name tags. More than half the sessions and workshops are for them and rightly so. They ask questions to which there are no answers. “Why me?” “Why my child?” “I have no future.” “I have no reason to live.” These are some of the comments I hear. Hopefully, by the end of the conference, some of their questions will have an assortment of answers they can deal with.

Another third of the group are working through their grief and looking for ways to help themselves move on with their lives. They have accepted what has happened, but don’t like it one bit. We don’t blame them; none of us do. No child should die before their parents. They understand there will be hard times ahead, and they will never forget what happened. Their future is still not clear to them, but they have chosen to try. Sharing ideas with others helps.

For myself, I am in the third group, a seasoned griever. There are many sessions given that don’t even apply to me any longer. I’ve already been down that road. I come to these conferences to see how I can help others through workshops I give for the newly bereaved and through meeting as many as I can. I can see the pain on their faces, and I know what they are going through. Perhaps, I tell myself, there is something I can say or do to help them along. I hope so. At the end of the conference, when they come up to me and tell me how much they have gotten out of my workshop and others, I am happy for them and hopeful. One father said to me a few years ago, “I wouldn’t have survived my child’s horrible death without Compassionate Friends.” He went home and started a chapter in the area where he lives.

The second group are the siblings. Compassionate Friends saw the need a number of years ago to have special workshops for siblings, given by siblings who also had a loss. Listening to someone in the same circumstance as your own can be very comforting. Siblings also have a different set of circumstances and problems, dealing with not only reacting to their bereaved parents, but also with the emotional state of their loss in addition to sometimes not getting the attention they need because of the parent’s emotional state. The siblings also do fun things at the conference: go on excursions, to a show, a movie, or just bring in pizza for dinner…anything that will bring them closer and help them cope. The siblings, like the parents make up the same three groups from newly bereaved to seasoned grievers, and there are about 250 of them.

The last group is the grandparents, a much smaller number but growing. Compassionate Friends found a need to have some sessions specifically designed for them. Grandparents must deal with their own loss of a grandchild, their child’s loss and the sibling’s loss. It becomes clear in these workshops that their task is not an easy one, so with the help of those who have gone through this before, they find their way has become easier.

All of us will never forget our children, nor do we want to. The grief journey is a lifelong one with many obstacles and paths to choose along the way. With the help of others, all of us eventually find our way and in the process make our children proud of us because they know we have survived the worst thing that can ever happen to us.

NOTE: Next week I plan to review the conference for those who couldn't attend.

Reinvestments Part 2

2011-07-10T06:00:00.002-07:00

This is the second part of what kind of Reinvestments bereaved parents make when working through the grief process after the death of their child. (See part 1 below from last week.)

A father set up a library at his son’s school with books dealing with crisis such as death of a child, death of a parent, divorce…books that would be suitable to kids, teachers, administrators and parents. This way others could see how to deal with these situations.

Because one mother saw how she and other parents were treated at a hospital after the death of their child, they realized the medical community didn’t have a clue as to how to treat these bereaved parents. An after-care program in a trauma center was started so the medical community could understand how people grieve, how long it takes and how to help with different emotions such as guilt or anger. The program is now very popular all over the country. Workshops and lectures for professionals and training volunteers, who in turn help families make their journey easier, is the goal of this program.

Parents who travel a lot always find a beautiful cathedral and light a candle in memory of their child. One father was even able to light incense in his son’s memory at a Buddhist Monastery in China.

Others, who excel in music, do special presentations in honor of their deceased child. Some parents release balloons and butterflies on anniversaries. Others wear bracelets with sayings on them such as “Forever in my heart.”

One parent, an artist, launched a non-profit web site to provide a one-stop national resource for those who wish to commemorate a deceased loved one through art. The art work could be a quilt, portrait, mixed media or sculpture done by the artist of the child.

A mother decided to start an angel garden with flowerbeds in her daughter’s memory. For years, each time a child died in one of the support groups she started she would add an angel for that child, take a picture of the area, and send it to the parents. She only stopped 18 years and 250 plants later, when she ran out of room on her property.

Making a memorial site online for your child is something many parents have done, uploading pictures and adding text telling their child’s story. Many are creatively done with many attractive graphics on the pages. You don’t have to be computer savvy to do one, and many of the sites are free.

One mother, who knew her son loved animals, spends some of her time as a trail guide at the local zoo. She also supports the care of Sumatra tigers there.

I have done many reinvestments to honor my daughter, such as scholarships, a memorial plaque around the building where she worked, memorial bricks around theaters and stadiums, a plaque and tree at the school I taught at, and a drama building in her name at a summer camp, sponsored by her best friend. But my proudest accomplishment is writing two books on surviving grief to help bereaved parents and dedicating the books to her memory. I always knew I’d write a book, but never did I dream it would be about her life and dedicated to her. Through writing I, as well as others, try to help others in any way we can.

Finally, passing legislation to assure risky behavior that killed their child does not happen again, getting involved with a grief organization or starting one yourself, naming buildings in honor of the child, and educating people through school programs are some of the other reinvestment ways parents work through their grief, while never forgetting the child they loved so dearly.

Reinvestments Part 1

2011-07-03T06:00:00.001-07:00

When our child dies and we are far enough along in our grief journey, there are many ways for us to remember our child and have others remember also. We call these: REINVESTMENTS. For the next two weeks I am going to share with you some of the reinvestments bereaved parents have made in honor of their children. Perhaps one of these will give you an idea for your child that will bring you some joy, comfort and remembrance of how much their life meant to you. All reinvestments are left anonymous in this blog, but I know of most of them or read about them in different publications and felt they were worth mentioning.

“We adopted miles of highway in our state. A sign indicates it is in the child’s memory. It is cleaned twice a year by family and friends and sometimes just the two of us like to do it ourselves.”

“I speak to various groups about drunk driving and try to get kids to understand the consequences of drinking and driving and how it can destroy lives. If I can get one person to listen to me about being a responsible driver, then I have made a difference. By doing this, I also honor my daughter’s memory.”

“On my son’s birthday each year at the moment he was born, we send colorful helium balloons in the air. His friends come and we all gather together and give thanks that he was in our lives.”

“My son had AIDS. When he died, his friends and I made a patch of his life for the AIDS Memorial Quilt, now housed in San Francisco. I am so proud of the fact that it can be seen by everyone. I participate in AIDS Walk New York every year since he died. We have raised thousands of dollars that goes to help find a cure for this disease.

Some parents have bumper stickers and license plates with their child’s name on them, including the birth and death date and even a saying such as “Loved and Remembered.” There are those that will make and sell them to parents who contact them.

“One of the objects I enjoy in my home is a special lighted hutch. In it are personal belongings from my son. I have a yearbook, his glasses, his license plate, a hand print from first grade, his graduation certificate, photos and many other things that I can look at whenever I feel like it.” Other parents have small boxes in a drawer they keep some personal items from their child.

One father built a church after his son died and painted a mural of his son and other children who had died doing what they enjoyed the most. Some are playing baseball, others dancing, and still others are drawing and painting. Every 20 minutes a guide tells a story of one of the children depicted on the mural. “It is one of the greatest living memorials we could give our child.”

Scholarships abound in schools to honor sons and daughters who have died at any age for any reason. These scholarships are usually named after the child and provide help for those who can not afford to go otherwise.
Golf tournaments to raise money for a cause, buying bricks at baseball stadiums and theaters with the child’s name on them and creating an award in a sport the child was active in…all these are ways to honor your child.

One mother invested in volunteering in memory of her son. Through her efforts and many generous donations, volunteers bag over 1,000 school items for children who can not afford school supplies. There is also a Christmas gift program. “Here is a lady who is an inspiration to many others,” said one admirer. “She took a tragic loss in her life and together with her faith and her love for her son, she has been able to create a better world for so many.”

More reinvestments next week…

Keeping Healthy After Your Loss

2011-06-26T06:00:00.001-07:00

The emotional response to grief presents challenges to eating normally. Since everyone has their own way to grieve, everyone also has their own way to respond to food.
Some bereaved parents will say they can’t eat because they are so emotionally involved with their loss. Others use food as a crutch and constantly eat. Neither way is healthy since constant eating is not good for you, nor is starving yourself. Healthy appetizing meals is what will work the best for your body and your healing. Below is a list of foods and practices that can help you in the difficult days ahead.

1. You will not feel like cooking so stock up on pre-cooked meats, chicken, canned foods and soups that can be easily prepared by you, a spouse or children. You or they may also make more food than necessary and freeze leftovers, which are easily reheated.

2. Stay hydrated for your recovery. Many serious health problems can result if you don’t drink enough. Water is the best; you can also benefit from iced tea. You could notice headaches, increased fatigue and the ability to think clearly, if you do not consume enough water. You could also weaken your immune system.

3. Be careful of those comfort foods that can cause weight gain. Try to buy healthy, lower calorie food items to snack on. This can include: fruits, vegetables, yogurt, sugar-free items like jello or popsicles, and celery. Do see a doctor if your weight gain begins to bother you as your clothes get tighter. On the other hand, if you lose too much weight, you might try to eat foods that are rich in calories and nutrients such as peanut butter, cheeses or smoothies. Avoid candy or chips. You can also see a doctor for extreme weight loss.

4. Certain food can improve your mood or depress you. Learn what to choose and what to avoid. Carbohydrates are a good source of energy for both your body and your brain and can improve your energy level. Consuming moderate amounts of caffeine may also help you feel more alert and improve your mood. Try to limit caffeine to morning hours so you won’t have difficulty sleeping or become nervous. Alcohol is a depressant and may make you feel worse by the next day. Avoiding it altogether is best.

These are all suggestions to keep you from a nutritional risk so that your body will keep you going during your recovery. You are stressed enough by your loss. Don’t risk your health during this time in your life. Everything you do will help your through your grief journey.

Some Reactions of Bereaved Parents

2011-06-19T06:00:00.004-07:00

We celebrate and honor fathers today- men who have provided their time, devotion, guidance, hope, and sustaining love. If you are a father who has lost a child recently or even many years ago, the love you shared with your child will always be a part of you. Gentle hugs to you as we remember on this special day. And now on to today's blog.
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In the midst of deep grief over the death of a child, you may hear many different reactions from bereaved parents. I have chosen 10 reactions and commented on each one, leaving it so that if you don’t agree with my feelings, you can voice your own opinion.

1. “I don’t want to talk about my child. It makes me too sad.” Talking about your child is good for you. It allows you to tell others how you are feeling and they in turn may react differently to you. You don’t have to get graphic or tell too much about how he/she died. Remember the good times and share those. It will lighten your heart to let your feelings out.

2. “I cry and can’t stop at times.” It is okay to cry. Crying is a natural emotion and by releasing pent up emotions that you feel about your child’s death, it will keep you healthy and on the right track.

3. “I am a strong person, and will survive without any help.” You may survive, but end up with no one caring about you, your child, or your feelings. Don’t think you are so independent that you don’t need a friend. Everyone needs a friend to talk to and count on.

4. “I don’t want others to see me upset, so I don’t mention my child’s death.” If you want to talk about your child, do so. Others realize you may cry or get teary-eyed, but they knew your child and realize what you are going through. Give them credit for understanding.

5. “It’s no one’s business, and I wish people would leave me alone.” You don’t really want to be alone. What you want is for this to have never happened, as do millions of other bereaved parents. But it is impossible to change what has happened, so let’s deal with the present. Others just want to help. Let them.

6. “I wish others would talk about my child.” You must let others know that you want them to talk about your child. They don’t want to hurt you by bringing up the child’s name, so it is up to you to tell them that you’d love to hear their name mentioned in conversation and that way, you too, can participate. Your child lived and had experiences that are worth remembering and talking about.

7. “Why did this happen to me and my child.” You were not chosen, nor was your child. To try to explain “why me” is not realistic. There are no answers, and you shouldn’t waste your time thinking about it. It will not change what has happened. What you should do is say to yourself, “Okay, what am I going to do about this and how can I move forward?”

8. “I try to smile and laugh, but feel as though I should not want any happiness after what has happened.” Don’t feel guilty for having a good moment or a good day. Smiling and laughing is a healthy feeling and when you start, your whole body will respond positively.

9. “I don’t want to see friends. I have to mourn my child.” Friends are the best source of having someone to talk to about your child. Let them help you; let them take you out; let them shop for you or clean your house. After a while you will feel better, but at first, friends are necessary to help you as you start your grief journey.

10. “I must be strong for my spouse and other children.” You know others are depending on you, but remember, pretending not to hurt can be counter-productive to your life now. Try to explain how you feel to your family, what you can and can’t do right now, that there will be good and bad moments, and that you need their support.

There are many other reactions out there. If you’d like to share your experience, send me a comment and your reaction, and I’ll print it in a future writing.

Monuments, Memorials and Memories

2011-06-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

Eloise Cole worked for Hansen Mortuary in Phoenix, AZ, for many years as a grief specialist. Her son died many years ago. Eloise died a few years ago from lung cancer, but her writings and poems live on to inspire us, make us think and hopefully, help us through the worst of times. Below is one of the poems she left us.

Of Monuments, Memorials and Memories

Eloise Cole

The cemetery is crowded with monuments…

a stone or marble or bronze reminder of a life once lived.

He was born; he lived; he died.

Perhaps a cross or rose adorns the monument.

Who was he – on the inside?

What statement did he make?

What lives did he touch?

All there is left of that life is the engraved nameplate.

Memorial plaques dot the walls of hospitals,

libraries, museums everywhere.

Contributions in memory of …

The gift provides equipment, funds, or perhaps an object of beauty.

An extension of the love for one who was born and lived and died.

What statement did he make, what lives did he touch?

When my son died, engulfed by pain,

I often wondered how I could survive.

A world without his presence seemed meaningless and empty.

“What is the purpose of all the pain?” I would ask myself.

As the days went by, I came to know

that the memories of him are still close.

The warmth of his unique and special ways

are as close as quiet reflection.

How important it has come to be

to survive, recover and reach out.

In my remaining days,

I am a monument, a memorial, to my son.

I want it to be a positive one,

to reach out and help others.

Monuments, Memorials and Memories…

How important they all are.

Reaching out to say,

“He was born; he lived; he died.

His legacy is a special one.

Dealing With Others Grandchildren

2011-06-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

My best friend’s daughter recently had a baby. It is her first grandchild. I am very happy for her and her daughter.

I have known the daughter her whole life, and she seems quite happy in her second marriage. I magine my surprise when my friend said to me the other day, “I understand how difficult this is for you, knowing you will never have a grandchild of your own, and it breaks my heart.”

It was a good feeling to know that, indeed, she did understand because she knows me as only a best friend can, and yes, it does break my heart also. But I can’t dwell on that. My friend is entitled to the happiness that only a grandchild can bring, as is her daughter, who is almost past child-bearing age and has already suffered one miscarriage.

I wanted to buy something special for the baby, and I love those small silver containers that hold baby’s first hair and first tooth, or whatever you want to put in them. I had the child’s name engraved on it, since they knew it was going to be a boy and had picked out a name.

A shower was planned; I was out of town at the time and breathed a sigh of relief that I didn’t have to go and sit there thinking about my daughter, who was also married, but did not get a chance to have a child before she died in a car accident.

To this day, 17 years later, I still have trouble going to weddings, baby showers, listening to my personal friends talk about their grandchildren. My eyes tear over, but I try to be positive in an impossible situation. All these people have every right to talk about their happiness, but sometimes I think to myself: thank God they don’t know and hopefully, will never know what it is like to feel so empty when you miss out on all these happy events you always dreamed of sharing with your child.

Those of us who are bereaved will continue to put on a mask for the outside world as we continue our daily struggle to survive and move on with our lives as best we can without our child.

Comments From Readers Part 2

2011-05-29T06:00:00.020-07:00

This is the second in a 2-part series of comments made on some of my writings done for the Open To Hope site. To view the others I have already included from my blog, see last week’s blog below this one.

Valentine’s Day- Thank you for your words of encouragement and your ideas. This is my first Valentine’s Day without my son, Dylan. My heart is aching as I read your words and think about my son. He passed unexpectedly nine months ago, and I am still trying to accept my loss and live through one day at a time. On his birthday and Christmas I helped myself by doing something for adolescents living at a local shelter. I did not think about Valentine’s Day, but now that you have given me a heads up, I will plan something. A small gesture helps me and means something to young people who need so much. Thank you for helping those of us who have less experience in our grief journey than you do. I do not want to be here, but I am, and I need all the help I can get! Alicia

Editor’s note: Don’t wait until the next Valentine’s Day. Some of these ideas, which include charity work, making crafts, sharing treats and items young people need, can be used all year long and adjusted to any holiday. It will definitely make you feel good and that you have done something worthwhile in honor of your child.

Elizabeth Edwards- Can anyone tell me what Elizabeth Edwards said about people being scared to talk about her son in front of her? I heard a blurb of her on the news after her passing, and it touched me, as I have lost a child. Susie

Editor’s note: I don’t know her exact words, but the jest of what she has always expressed is that she (like most of us) wants people to mention her son in their conversations. He lived, he was vital, and she wants his memory to live on in others. By hearing our child’s name, we most definitely get a warm, fuzzy feeling and it puts a smile on our face and allows us to perhaps bring up other incidents related to the one mentioned. And suddenly, our child is alive again and will always be so in our hearts. People, she said, should not be afraid of mentioning Wade’s name to her. She wants to talk about him and his life.

Starting a grief group- Starting a grief group in a city that doesn’t have one is a wonderful idea to promote. I began one two years ago this month on the 4th Thursday of every month for mothers who have lost a child. I’m a psychotherapist by profession, but by definition I am a mother whose gifted child, Katie, has died. We started with a simple supper, some wine and tea and go from home to home each moth. Everyone helps so no one feels too much pressure. Our group’s name is “Mothers Finding Meaning.” Mary Jane Hurley Brant

Editor’s note: I, too, started a group for parents who have lost their only child in my area in 2007, and we continue to meet once a month, have programs and discuss various concerns.

Moving on- How do you deal with a family member who you have showed and told over and over what you need. What do you do when they say, “don’t talk to me about your pain because it makes me depressed.” This is my sister, my best friend, the one I could always talk to. She devastated me with her comment. I am so hurt and angry, but I do understand she can’t see me in pain. What am I supposed to do in regards to her. I have nothing happy to say to her so do I stop talking to her. She doesn’t even try to help me because of her pain of seeing me. Plus, she is a believer of moving on. Katrina

Editor’s note: You are not alone. This happens in many families and although this was written to me two years ago, I include it simply because it is very common. I hope everything is well now with Katrina, but for others, here are my thoughts. The sister is also in pain. This was her niece or nephew that has died, and she is not equipped to deal with the loss, so having to have to worry about two people is not in her makeup. Katrina needs to find someone else at this point to talk to: another friend, a professional counselor, or another family member. As much as it hurts her to do this, it will be best at this time and only counter productive to try to make the sister understand. After a period of time has passed, perhaps the two sisters can more easily come together, but to force it now may lead to other family complications. Later on, one thing I would suggest is to think of all the good times with the child in the family situation. Talk about those times and try to smile a little. Moving on will come as time passes and you will find that time is a great healer and very forgiving.

Thanks for these comments and feel free to always comment on any of my blogs or on my Open To Hope site writings at http://www.opentohope.com/

Comments From Readers Part 1

2011-05-22T06:00:00.003-07:00

For the next two weeks I will be printing some comments and excellent thoughts I have received from some of you. Some comments were printed after certain blogs I have written over the years and some are from comments made on Open To Hope articles I wrote (next week's blog). A few of you asked for answers, which I have tried to provide. If you have missed any of these topics, you can always read any article, which are all here for you or under my name on Open To Hope. It is always interesting to read other opinions and perspectives on any topic related to a child’s death, so here we go:

Dealing with a child's death with medicines- “We lost our 24 year old son three years ago, along with my job. My husband’s sales plummeted and we ended up moving to a new state for a fresh beginning. This did not work. I was left alone a lot as he worked overtime. He would also say that he hated it there. Now in another state with family, he still works overtime and still says he hates it here. You suggested meds as a possible solution. Don’t forget counseling. I do not know what to do with him. He wants to move back to our old hometown and not live with family members. He never went to grief counseling. He never talked to anyone. He says he is fine and we are picking on him. I am at a loss, as I don’t want to go back there. I feel he is still bitter, but just cannot see the damage he inflicts. He was a happy, outgoing, involved heavily into church person. Now, I have to drag him to church. He says he hasn’t made friends at church. But at our old church, he turned down every invitation to go out with another couple. Do you address this issue in your books?” Anonymous

Editor’s note: First, let me say I have summarized what this lady said; she does go into a little more detail, but space limits me. The two ideas that immediately come to mind that I write about in my new book deal with ‘anger’ and ‘guilt.’ Some others on ‘how men grieve,’ ‘grief in the workplace,’ and ‘how parents show their grief,’ might be of help. Not knowing the circumstances, it is hard to understand what is really bothering him. But in these coping articles and others I write about, perhaps something will click and you can go from there. Getting him to talk about his feelings or having him talk to someone else close to him may also help. I don’t pretend to know all the answers; these are just some suggestions. Time is the greatest healer and for some, it can be a very long time. Don’t give up on him. Good luck!

Saving your marriage- “Sandy, thank you so much for doing your part to dispel the awful myth that a marriage has to fail after the death of a child. It does such a disservice to grieving parents everywhere.” Mary Tousley

Laughter is the best medicine- “This is so true. I remember the summer after my son died, Wipeout aired on TV. It was the first time in 7 months that my husband and I laughed in a truly carefree way. And it’s such a strange thing to laugh at, but we were and still are very thankful for that show.” Ebe

Giving Bereaved Parents Time Off- “OMG I don’t think I could even return to work after two weeks. It’s been almost 22 months and I wouldn’t be ready now. But that’s me. I think the Family Medical Leave Act should cover this in the case of child loss. Everyone grieves differently, some parents might want to return to work right away but I wanted (still do) to hide away. I am on SSDI so I guess I have the poorly paid luxury (LOL) of doing so.” Sherry

10 Upsetting Things To Experience- “ ‘It’s nice to see you smiling’ or ‘You are such a strong woman, I can’t believe how well you are handling this!’ These things send me right back down into the pit of darkness. I strive to find moments of joy everyday but the tears are always lurking in the background just waiting for a crack in the armour. It’s been 107 days since my youngest child (16) died and the past few days the pain feels brand new again.” Janice

And another on the same topic- “I hate the phrase, ‘God wanted another angle’. Well, if he did, make another! We parents don’t understand that. At least this one doesn’t.” Sherry And still another- “When someone asks me how many children I have I say, One in Heaven (because that’s where he is), the other one here. My son died 6 months ago at the age of 18, and I can really relate to most of the list. I do not believe my son is an angel because that’s just not what the Bible says happens to us as Christians when we die.” Anonymous

More comments will appear next week

Four Conferences This Summer

2011-05-15T06:00:00.004-07:00

Four conferences are available for bereaved parents this summer: TAPS, Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents USA and POMC.

May 27-30, 2011 TAPS
This is the 17th Annual National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp at the Crystal Gateway Marriott in Arlington, VA. Anyone who has lost a loved one in the military can benefit from this seminar. For the children they also hold a Good Grief Camp during this time, so that the entire family can receive help. Visit http://www.taps.org/ for details and to register or call 1-800-9598277, even though the main deadline of May 1 has passed. I'm sure they will let you attend if you ask.

July 15-17, 2011 Compassionaete Friends National Conference is in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Sheraton Bloomington Hotel this year. Reservations must be made by June 21 and are subject to availability. King or doubles are $129; $139 for triples and $149 for quads. There is a free shuttle to and from the hotel and airport in addition to the Mall of America during the conference along with free parking. There are over 100 workshops to choose from including childless workshops and workshops for those who are newly bereaved and seasoned grievers. Other workshops are for siblings and also grandparents. Keynote speakers and sharing sessions are also included. Usually around 1,500 people attend. Additional information is at http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

July 29-31, 2011 is the Bereaved Parents USA Gathering at the Sheraton Reston Hotel in Reston, VA. Hotel rates are $99 for one to four people. Make reservations by June 26. Call 1-703-620-9000. A free shuttle between the hotel and airport is provided and parking is free for those with cars. BPUSA is a smaller conference but tries to have lots of workshops as Compassionate Friends does. Some of the keynote speakers will include Darcie Sims, Mitch Carmody and Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley. Additional information is at http://www.bereavedparents.org/ .

August 4-7, 2011 is the POMC 25th National Conference at the wyndham Airport Hotel in Milwaukee, WI. Call 1-414-481-8000. Rooms are $111. Register before July 6. POMC stands for Parents of Murdered Children and is a large national organization dedicated to those specific bereaved parents. Check the website at http://www.milwpomcsupport.com/ for more information.

I would encourage you to try to attend one of these. It is amazing how much you can get out of them in addition to making contact with other bereaved parents who understand what you are going through.

No More Pictures!

2011-05-08T06:00:00.006-07:00

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL

Editor's Note: I thank Kay Bevington for sharing her views on keeping photos and memorabilia as an answer to my post on April 24. Portions of her thoughts are below.

Pictures, pictures, pictures, that word makes some of us uncomfortable and for some it makes us want to scream - NO MORE PICTURES! Having pictures taken of us after the death of our only child or all children is often very difficult and for a time impossible. Taking pictures of places we visit or people that we socialize with is often something we no longer have any desire to do.

I vividly remember the first time our church pictorial was to be printed after my only child, Rhonda's death. It was difficult because it would be the first photo of Rodney and I without our daughter. It was even more poignant because the previous time that the church pictorial was printed, Rhonda had worked as a receptionist for the photo taking of the families of the church. We almost did not have it taken but then decided it would be one thing we would do in Rhonda's memory. I remember coming home and crying for a long time after that photo sitting. On the positive side, I now realize years later, it was a giant step on our healing journey to force ourselves to do something that was umcomfortable but also something we would be faced with for the rest of our lives. We were now a couple and no longer a family of three.

Not long after Rhonda's death I began to realize that no one really cared about photos that we took when we vacationed or met with groups of people. Once in a while, we would take a few photos but rarely shared them with anyone. Gradually over the years we have ceased taking photos, and I no longer keep srapbooks or photo albums as I feel it is a waste of time and money. Who will want them anyway when we are gone? I figure nieces and nephews or a person disposing of our personal items after we are gone from this earth, most likely will not care. So I have decided to save them from this task and not take photos or make scrapbooks.

When attending family reunions, class gatherings or on vacations, often photographers take group shots and then sell them to the participants. We always avoid purchasing them. We tell those who ask why we don't purchase them, that because we have no living children, they would just gather dust and someday be disposed of, so why bother. It usually makes the questioner do a double take and then apologize for asking, forgetting that our only child is deceased.

The word 'pictures' has a totally different meaning for parents with no surviving children. Photos of our child are our most prized possessions, but photos after our child/children are deceased have very little meaning for us.

Comfort Company Can Help on Mother's Day

2011-05-01T06:00:00.001-07:00

The Comfort Company is an online retailer of unique sympathy gifts for the most difficult day of the year—Mother’s Day. Grieving mothers deserve support and recognition on this day.

The company has identified the 10 best ways to show love, support and sympathy by running a web-based survey asking grieving mothers, “What can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on this day? Perhaps you can let them know.

The number one answer did not surprise me. The bereaved parent still wants to be recognized as a mother. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted her loss to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half of the mothers surveyed considered Mother’s Day to be their most difficult holiday.

I know that I am always grateful to hear from others on that day, a call, a card or an email tells me that both my daughter and I are remembered. I do not received many, but treasure the ones I do get.

Erma Bombeck said in a column she wrote for Mother’s Day many years ago, “Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.”

Here is the list of the ten things grieving mothers want most for Mother’s Day from the survey.
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1. As stated above, recognize that they are a mother with a hug, a heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day”, or a simple card to let them know you remember that they are a mother, even though their child is not with them physically.

2 Acknowledge their loss with a powerful message: I know this might be a difficult day, and I want you to know I am thinking about you today. Removing the wall of silence gives a grieving mother permission to talk about the child.

3. Use the child’s name in conversation. One mother said, “ say his name and ask me my fondest memory.

4. Plant a living memorial: a tree or flower bulbs in memory of the child that will live on.

5. Visit the gravesite. Many mothers felt that it was extremely thoughtful when others visited their child’s gravesite and left flowers or a small pebble hear the headstone.

6. Light a candle in memory of the child and let the mother know.

7. Share a memory or picture. Give the precious gift of a memory.

8. Send a gift of remembrance. Items include anything personalized with the child’s name such as a piece of jewelry, a memory box, a picture frame or a donation in the child’s name.

9. Don’t minimize the loss. Avoid clichés that attempt to explain the death, such as “you still have two healthy children.”

10. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Send a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered and take her mind off her grief for a while.

To learn more about how to support a grieving mother and find unique sympathy gifs, visit the company at www.thecomfortcompany.net .

Possessions: What Happens When We Are Gone?

2011-04-24T06:00:00.003-07:00

When we are gone, who will want our pictures and possessions, especially if we have lost our only child? If we have surviving children and/or siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, will any of these people want the items we now cherish, or do these items loose their meaning entirely when someone in a family dies.

Throughout my life and my daughter’s, I took many photos, saved many possessions and encouraged her to do the same. Here I am with all these memories that I enjoy having, and it scares me to think of what may happen to them when I am gone.

There are surviving children who are known to throw away, give away, sell, shred or even burn parents’ photos in addition to other parental possessions they don’t want. So should we bother with all the effort we put in to taking photos, buying knick knacks and gifts for others and/or making scrapbooks in our lifetime?

Many parents say they don’t bother taking photos of trips, cruises or the like anymore. Nor do they make any effort to buy something beautiful such as glass sculpture, just to have them disposed of by surviving children or relatives.

I completely disagree. No matter where they may end up, I enjoy making memories and hope that others can relate to that. But if someone in the next generation, that is, children or other relatives, don’t want any of these memories, well, at least I had the pleasure of enjoying them for as long as I could. I particularly enjoy those photos or items that belonged to my now deceased only child. I have many photos, some possessions and two videos.

I don’t want my daughter to be forgotten, but you have to have caring people in your life who want to keep her memory alive after I am gone, and what better way to do that, then by having photos and possessions to look at and relive those wonderful times and pass on stories for generations to come.

I’d be interested to know how others see this situation and how they deal with it. Send me your comments.

Springtime Thoughts

2011-04-17T07:58:00.001-07:00

After an unusually, stormy, cold winter all over the nation, spring has finally arrived. The days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer, and the flowers are now blooming. Along with nature’s beauty comes thoughts of our children who are no longer with us. Oh, how they, too, would love the beautiful sunsets, seeing the return of the birds from the south and perhaps experience a new crop or newly born animals coming out of their winter shelters.

But they will not see any of this, and it makes me very sad to think not only what we parents have lost but also of what they, our children, have lost. It was only after my daughter died that I came to appreciate the little things in life, stopping for a moment to listen to two birds talking to each other, watching airplanes leave streaks across the clear blue sky; and seeing Marcy’s favorite flower blooming, knowing that I will leave those flowers on her grave the next time I visit the cemetery.

Many, many things I have come to realize are not very important when you compare them to losing a child: the daily baseball scores, the fact that gasoline has gone up another penny, the most recent Hollywood couple to divorce. We don’t always have good days; the sense of loss and emptiness is greatly intensified on these beautiful days.

The coming of spring does not make everything okay again. What it does do is offer hope: hope that the pain of losing your child will ease a little with each passing year, hope that your grief work will help you in the healing process, and hope that you will be able to move forward into a new life full of promise.

Spring reminds us that regardless of what has happened in our lives, nature’s process continues as we must also. Be kind and patient with yourself. Don’t expect too much, too soon, but try to let a little of the hope that spring can offer into your body, and notice the smile that will form both on your face and in your heart.

Upsetting Bereaved Parents Part 3

2011-04-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Part 3 in a 3-part series of upsetting things for bereaved parents to experience after the death of their child includes some additional thoughts that were discussed. There are some very similar ones to what all bereaved parents voice, but all of these parents have come up with some ideas that the others have not or just expressed them differently.

1. Hearing people laugh and feeling like you will never feel such joy again.
2. If you shed a few tears when someone asks about your child, they immediately change the subject not allowing you to experience and feel the moment.
3. Your dreams of future times with your child and any grandchildren—all gone.
4. No one asking about your child on Mother’s Day or any other major holiday.
5. Hearing others say, “Oh, I know how you feel; I lost my dog.”
6. Being told I need to get over it.
7. Seeing friend’s children graduating, getting married, having children.
8. Co-workers complaining because their child hasn’t called in a week and knowing my child will never call again.
9. People saying “now you don’t have to worry about them anymore.”
10. Missing being a family and never seeing your child experience life.
11. Dreaming about your child and waking up to disappointment it was not real.
12. Special anniversary dates: birthdays, anniversaries.
13. The awareness that this is not a bad dream; this really happened.
14. The feeling of abandonment
15. Losing best friends who can’t deal with us because they think we have changed.

Upsetting Bereaved Parents - Part 2 of 3

2011-04-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

For Part 2 (read Part 1 from last week), here are two lists from parents who have taken their grief and expressed what they have experienced that upsets them the most.

One parent:
1. My child’s death will never go away…I cannot run away from this…life will always be different. 2. The inability of others to even imagine the depths of my grief.
3. Being told my child’s death is “God’s will.”
4. The future seems so uncertain and grey.
5. The sense of finality to the family tree because my only child has died.
6. The bitter sweetness of my niece having a baby and knowing my child never will.
7. Being deserted or ignored by others.
8. Others presuming “I am over it.”
9. Loneliness because of my child’s death.
10. The world just goes on and on and I have lost my child.

And another parent:
1. You should feel normal and happy after 14 years. Quit using his death for people to feel sorry for you.
2. I don’t find joy in things other people expect to be happy about (material, travel, parties, small talk).
3. I hate to put on a mask and pretend to be happy.
4. People don’t understand that I will never be the same person.
5. Being with a group of women who constantly share pictures and cute stories about their children and grandchildren.
6. People saying I should have realized my son’s job was dangerous and should be prepared for the worse.
7. Others saying I should be grateful for the things I have, even after my child’s death.
8. Hearing the phrase: “It was God’s will.”
9. Hearing the phrase: “Your son is in a better place.”
10. People, especially family stop talking about my child.

10 Most Upsetting Things To Experience-Part 1

2011-03-27T06:00:00.003-07:00

In a 3-part series I want to talk about the 10 most upsetting things that bereaved parents experience after the death of a child. I first read Barbara Paul's list (below) and I decided to discuss it in a recent support meeting. I discovered there are far more than 10 upsetting things, so I will be sharing those thoughts with you from all the parents who attended in Part 2 and 3.

First, Barbara Paul, psychologist, teacher and trainer with all types of grief and loss has compiled the 10 Most Upsetting Things for Bereaved Parents to Experience. Barbara lost her daughter, Jennifer. In David Letterman order I have listed these experiences for you and added a few comments.

10. Going to the grocery store- it’s difficult to see what your child liked that you no longer have to buy for him/her.

9. People avoiding us- when they see you coming, they go in another direction.

8. Holidays and happy occasions- causes extreme pain for your lost future.

7. Religious assurances- “God only takes the good ones.” This doesn’t relate to where bereaved parents are.

6. Unacknowledged birthdays and anniversaries- these are important to parents and the outside world forgets; no one lets you know your child is thought about.

5. Silence- no one talks about the child or shares stories because, most of all, they are afraid. You need to tell them it’s okay; you want to talk about them; all you have left is memories to share.

4. Call me- if you need anything, they say, call me. It’s hard for a bereaved parent to get out of bed in the morning. There is no energy left to call anyone. Others need to take the initiative.

3. Mothers and Fathers grieve differently- it can be upsetting to discover that it is not the same for either parent.

2. Being told to get on with your life- there is no way to ever get over our grief; but we are alive, and one day will move forward when we are ready.

1. How many children do you have? My only child died, and I always say, “I had one child who died in a car accident.” Don’t say, “No children.” Then you are dismissing what was perhaps your greatest achievement in life. Our child lived and we need to acknowledge that.

Part 2 and 3 in the following weeks will cover the thoughts of other parents who have lost children and it's affect on their lives.

How Much Time Off Should Bereave Parents Get

2011-03-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Bill Stewardson, from England, whose son, Ryan, was killed in action in Afghanistan, was told by his boss he had one day to grieve. Then he had to come back to work. He was stunned.

“No one can grieve in one day,” he said. Bereavement time in his company and many others is left up to the discretion of the bosses. In most cases, unless they understand how a child’s death affects parents, relatives and friends, the bosses can not comprehend what has happened and therefore, never think to give a person time to grieve.

Stewardson is now on a campaign to put minimum standards in place for workers. He wants a law for the bereaved to be able grieve properly and not have to go back to work before they are ready. He hopes the rules will apply to both soldier and everyone else.

What would be a reasonable time? I think perhaps a minimum of a week, but more practically, two weeks. There are, of course, some bosses who will give as much time as needed, but these people are rare. I know of a few mothers who were off work for months; they could hardly function on a day to day basis. Looking at both sides, certainly, it would not be of help in the workplace if a worker is in such a condition. On the other hand, a worker could take advantage of the boss by taking more time than needed, and the boss could get angry, leading to other problems.

If there were a standard law for everyone to follow, it would definitely help in determining when a worker needs to return to the workplace.

Tell me what your opinion is on this controversial topic.

Helping the newly bereaved

2011-03-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Compassionate Friends has made the following list available to all bereaved parents. I thought it particularly helpful for the newly bereaved and so am sharing it with all of you.

When your child has died, suddenly it seems like all meaning has been drained from your life. When you wake in the morning, it’s difficult to get out of bed, much less live a “normal” life. All that was right with the world now seems wrong and you’re wondering when, or if, you’ll ever feel better.

We’ve all been there ourselves and understand some of the pain you are feeling right now. We are truly glad that you have found us (Compassionate Friends) but profoundly saddened by the reason. We know that you are trying to find your way in a bewildering experience for which no one can truly be prepared.

When you’re newly bereaved, suddenly you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster where you have no idea what to expect next. Here are thoughts on some of what you may be experiencing or feeling (many of these will apply to bereaved siblings and grandparents):

*You’re in shock from what has happened and a numbness surrounds you to help shield you from the pain.

*You find yourself in denial. Your child cannot be dead. You expect to see your child walk through the door any moment. You see your child in the faces of others walking down the street.

*You wonder how someone can feel this much pain and survive.

*Thoughts of suicide briefly enter your mind. You tell yourself you want to die—and yet you want to live to take care of your family and honor your child’s memory.

*You want to know how the people around you can go about their day as if nothing has happened—don’t they understand that your life—everything that meant anything to you—has just ended? Your purpose in life is gone.

*You rail against the injustice of not being allowed the choice to die instead of your child.

*You find yourself filled with anger, whether it be at your partner, a person you believe is responsible for your child’s death, God, yourself, and even your child for dying.

*You yearn to have five minutes, an hour, a day back with your child so you can tell your child of your love or thoughts left unsaid.

*You are no longer afraid of death as each day that passes puts you one day closer to being with your child.

*Guilt becomes a powerful companion as you blame yourself for the death of your child. Rationally you know that you were not to blame—you most certainly would have saved your child if you’d been given the chance.

*Thoughts of “what ifs” enter your mind as you play out scenarios that you believe would have saved your child.

*Your memory has suddenly become clouded. You’re shrouded in forgetfulness. You’ll be driving down the road and not know where you are or remember where you’re going. As you walk, you may find yourself involved in “little accidents” because you're in a haze.

*You fear that you are going crazy.

*You feel great sadness and depression as you wrestle with the idea that everything important to you has been taken from you. Your future has been ruined and nothing can ever make it right.
*Either you can’t sleep at all or you sleep all the time. You feel physical exhaustion even when you have slept.

*You no longer care about your health and taking care of yourself—it just doesn’t seem that important anymore.

*You’re feeling anxiety and great discomfort—you’re told they’re panic attacks.

*The tears come when you least expect them.

*Your appetite is either gone or you find yourself overeating.

*If you have surviving children, you find yourself suddenly overprotective, not wanting to allow them out of your sight. Yet you feel like a bad parent because it's so difficult to focus on their needs when you're hurting so bad yourself.

*You find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over again trying to understand what someone else has written.

*You find there’s a videotape that constantly plays in an endless loop in your mind, running through what happened.

*You find that your remaining family at home grieves the loss differently and you search for a common ground which seems difficult to find.

*You've been told by well-meaning people, even professionals, that 70-80-90 percent of all couples divorce after their child dies. You are relieved to find that new studies show a much lower divorce rate, from 12-16%, believed to be caused by the "shared experience" aspect of the situation.

*You find your belief system is shaken and you try to sort out what this means to your faith.

*Old friends seem to fade away as you learn they cannot comprehend the extent or length of your grief.

*Things you liked to do which seemed so important before now seem meaningless.

*Others say you'll someday find "closure," not understanding that closure never applies when it is the death of your child.

*Fleeting thoughts of pleasurable activities bring about feelings of guilt. If you child can't have fun, how can you do anything that brings you enjoyment?

*Placing impossible deadlines on yourself, you go back to work, but find that your mind wanders and it’s difficult to function efficiently or, some days, at all. Others wonder when you’ll be over “it,” not understanding that you’ll never be the same person you were before your child died—and the passage of time will not make you so.

*New friends come into your life who understand some of your grief because they’ve been there themselves.

When you’re newly bereaved, you don’t see how you can put one foot in front of the other, much less survive this loss. You’ll never “recover” from your loss nor will you ever find that elusive “closure” they talk of on TV—but eventually you will find the “new me.” You will never be the same person you were before your child died. It may be hard to believe now, but in time and with the hard work of grieving (and there’s no way around it), you will one day think about the good memories of when your child lived rather than the bad memories of how your child died. You will even smile and, yes, laugh again someday—as hard to believe as that may seem.

You will survive.

Preserving Photos and Memorabilia

2011-03-06T06:00:00.002-07:00

Preserving photos in this digital age is important. We are all just one computer crash away from lost memories and photos, so it is important not to lose those precious memories, particularly if your child has died and memories and photos are all you have left of that child.

We depend on computers and as we all know, computers can fail us. Also the ever-changing technology can cause loss of photos even though we don’t remove them from outdated memory cards or old cameras.

I remember I used to put all my photos in magnetic albums, which were very popular. These types of albums were found to hasten the deterioration of photos. When I heard that I checked all my old albums and not only were the photos faded, but they stuck to the magnetic clear plastic and/or the backing that held the photos tightly in place.

I immediately took out all the photos, bought new albums with slip in clear plastic coverings and I am hoping this helps to keep them from fading completely. So far I have been very happy.

One woman, Wendy Vaniglia from Palm Beach, Florida went one step further rescuing her photos 16 years after her middle daughter, Candi, died from complications of a congenital brain condition. She created her first scrapbook, the story of Candi’s life, using materials that would preserve her image.

Wendy began talking about the benefits of photo restoration to others and soon launched her own business. She now sells photo preservation software and she creates custom photo books and other gifts made with photos such as mugs, calendars, mouse pads, greeting cards, thank you notes and posters for special events. You can take all kinds of memorabilia, like a poem, something the child wrote or made, not only photos significant to your child’s life, and have Wendy create a memory book. She believes not only is she preserving pictures, but preserving the story of a life.

If you live in the Florida area, she also gives free Fun with Photos sessions or you can reach her at www.personal-photo-organizer.com/florida/251-wendy-vaniglia.html . It is certainly worth the peace of mind to know that your child will be with you in the creative ways you preserve photos and memorabilia as well as always having a special place in your heart.

10 Ways To Save Your Marriage After Your Child Dies

2011-02-27T06:00:00.001-07:00

When a child dies, most parents assume their marriage will be in jeopardy because they have read that 90% of marriages fail after the death of a child. A recent survey has proven this supposed fact to be a myth. From the survey it was found that only 16 % divorce and only 4 % said it was because of the death and the fact that there were problems in the marriage before the child died.

The untimely death of a child can be an opportunity for growth to bring the two people closer together, rather than tear them apart. I have 10 ways to make sure your marriage does not become one of the statistics. These ways include: talking about the child, giving each other space and time to grieve differently, talking to friends about your relationship to ease stress, going off on your own to get a new perspective, reviewing your day together, pleasing your spouse with activities he enjoys, not blaming each other, accepting the death through counseling, learning new coping techniques to live together without the child, and turning to God and religion if it suits your situation.

TALKING ABOUT THE CHILD – Remember the good times or funny incidents. Laugh at something silly that your child did as well as remember any awards, honors and graduations that made you so proud. Don’t dwell on how your child died. That is not going to bring him or her back. If you feel guilty about something, talk about it. If you are angry about something, talk about that also. Couples have a bond with their child that no one else can match and by talking about those bonds and your feelings, you may realize how very similar you feel or at least respect the opposite feelings of your partner. You may also decide it would be a good idea to do something worthwhile in your child’s memory, like start a scholarship or plant trees in their honor, always a satisfying experience.

GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE AND TIME TO GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY – The chance of both parents grieving the same is unlikely. Parners should allow each other the space to grieve at his/her own rate and in his/her own way. Personality, previous experiences and your own style of grieving contribute to that respect of grieving space. If one partner wants to cry, that doesn’t mean the other one has to cry. If one parter doesn’t feel like going out, he or she shouldn’t feel obligated to do so. If you can’t decide what to make for breakfast, don’t worry about it. Your child died; you need time to adjust.

TALKING TO FRIENDS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP – This can ease the stress buildup. Perhaps your friends have a good resource for any problems. You may also need to express feelings about your loss to friends that you are not ready to discuss with your spouse.
GOING OFF ON YOUR OWN – This can be for a few hours or a day. It may give you a new perspective. Don’t bring your spouse down or make them suffer with sarcastic comments or harmful accusations just because you feel miserable.

REVIEW YOUR DAY TOGETHER – coming together at the end of the day is important. Review with your spouse what has happened that day, how you are feeling and what you are thinking. You will more than likely learn a lot about your partner during this period of your life.

PLEASING YOUR SPOUSE WITH ACTIVITIES HE/SHE ENJOYS – Look for ways you can ease some of his/her pain. Do some activity with him/her that you don’t usually do but know the other would like you to do. Make a special meal that the other enjoys eating. Or do something related to your child that up until now you have not been able to do.

NOT BLAMING EACH OTHER – This leads to stress, which in turn leads to marital problems. Shouting, not speaking or putting the blame for the death on each other (if you had been on time, he wouldn’t have had to walk home from school, get kidnapped, raped and murdered) does nothing but make the relationship stretched to it’s limits.

ACCEPTING THE DEATH THROUGH COUNSELING – There are times when a professional counselor can help a relationship and therefore the entire situation. Sometimes counselors are used as a last resort. Others prefer to accept help immediately, knowing that whatever they say may be misinterpreted. There is no guarantee of the outcome but many times worth it to try.

LEARNING NEW COPING TECHNIQUES – Hopefully, you are one of the couples that really wants to move on with your life, but just needs some help to do that. Read books (mine will do), attend seminars, talk to others who have gone through this and survived and try many techniques out on each other. If one doesn’t work, try another, until you find what works best.

TURNING TO RELIGION AND GOD – Some couples tell you they couldn’t have made it without their faith. By going to a church or temple, they are comforted by words, prayers and God. He can be your buoy in the hurricane. The number one thing you can do to protect your marriage is to draw strength from whatever sources will sustain you.

Saving your marriage after a child’s death and moving on with your life as a couple is the goal for most couples. Finding the best way to help you do this is my goal through writing and speaking. I hope to hear from you soon as to your interest in this topic for your show.

Laughter Is the Best Medicine

2011-02-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

My thanks to Harriet Hodgson, a freelance nonfiction writer for 28 years, for this ezine magazine article on laughter. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from Amazon.

Humans were meant to laugh. The ability to laugh is wired into our minds and that is a good thing for all who mourn. Four of my loved ones, including my elder daughter, died in 2007 and I thought I would never laugh again. As the months passed, however, my humor slowly returned.

Laughing helped me cope with multiple losses. "I think my zany New York sense of humor is going to save me," I told my husband. In the early stages of grief my laughter was as rusty as an old hinge. If I laughed unexpectedly, I enjoyed it, but wondered if my humor would last. Thankfully, it has, and I am grateful.

Laughter has short-term and long-term benefits, according to a Mayo Clinic website article, "Stress Relief from Laughter? Yes, no Joke." The article says laughter makes you take in more "oxygen-rich air," stimulates the heart, lungs and muscles. Just as important, laughter increases the endorphins in the brain, which affect your mood.

An improved immune system is one of the long-term benefits of laughter. In fact, laughter may cause the body to produce its own natural pain-killers. "Laughter can also make it easier to cope with difficult situations," the article concludes. Certainly, grief is a difficult situation, probably the most difficult of your life.

A WebMD website article, "Give Your Body a Boost -- With Laughter" describes laughter therapy. Hearty laughter is similar to a mild physical workout, the article explains. But it goes on to say that you should not be hasty about stopping your treadmill workout.

Daniel Goleman comments on laughter in his book, "Emotional Intelligence: Why it can Matter More than IQ." He says laughter seems to help people think more broadly and associate more freely. "While in a good mood we remember more positive events, as we think over the pros and cons of a course of action..."

If you are grieving now you are awash in emotional pain. How can you find laughter again? One way is to be open to it. Like me, you may have to tell yourself that it is okay to laugh during this sorrowful, dark time of life. The more you laugh, the easier it becomes.

Staying in touch with friends can also help. According to Judith Viorst, author of "Necessary Losses," close friends contribute to your personal growth. Friends also contribute to your pleasure, "making the music sound sweeter, the wine taste richer, the laughter ring louder because they are there." Friends helped me to laugh and your friends can help you.

Thinking of a funny experience you shared with your deceased loved one can also make you laugh. I think of the time my daughter helped with the church rummage sale. Someone had donated some new bras and volunteers didn't know how to price them. "Charge 50 cents," my daughter quipped. "That's 25 cents a cup." Everyone burst out laughing.

During your journey you may come to rely on humor. A sense of humor brightens your days and leads to grief recovery. Thank goodness you were meant to laugh!

Garage Sale Grief

2011-02-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

When my daughter died many years ago, I wanted to hold on to anything I had that belonged to her…forever, I told myself. But as the years go by, I have found a greater meaning in letting go.

First thing to do is take inventory of what there is, pick out items that you feel strongly about always keeping and put them aside.

I did this with my daughter’s stuffed animals. There were some I could never part with; others that I felt would be good to donate to a children’s hospital or even give to friend’s kids or grandkids.

Clothes are the same way. In my case, I could fit into a lot of my child’s clothing, but was it really my style? In most cases it wasn’t, particularly the dresses and sweaters, so I asked her friends if they wanted anything, then I sold what was left at a garage sale and eventually donated the ones that didn’t sell to local shelters. I did keep a beautiful leather jacket she had bought in Italy, another casual black jacket, a few blouses and a few suit jackets. I found that the blouses and suit jackets I never wore. The shoes were not my size and they were given to Good Will. I looked at them in my closet, liked having her things close to me, but realized I would never wear those particular items, so eventually gave them up also.

I kept most of the jewelry so I could wear it, but also gave some to her close friends. Her awards I have in boxes and don’t plan to dispose of them at all. I’ve incorporated her picture albums with mine, saved the good ones and the ones I knew with friends, but the rest that nobody wanted, I got rid of them. Anything she bought while traveling sits next to my travel items. I loved her taste in knick knacks and enjoy looking at them, so I would never give any of those away.

When the day came to put many items on display in a garage sale, I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t know how hard. One dress I ran after. No, I couldn’t part with it. The money was given back. (Years later, I gave it to Good Will.) Items she collected at school or from friends, I asked the friends if they wanted it back and if they didn’t, it was sold. Things she made in an art class or summer camp, if it was personalized to me, I have it. One year she made a step stool and to this day, I still find it useful and smile every time I see it in the kitchen closet.

It is a difficult and daunting task to go through everything and decide what one wants to keep forever, but finally after many years I, personally, was able to do it. Giving many of her things to others made me feel good and that I was doing something worthwhile for others.

Take your time deciding what to do with your child’s things. Don’t let anyone tell you “it’s time to let go.” And keep whatever has some meaning to you. Memories are all we have left of our child who died and if some items can put a smile on your face and make you feel good, then they are worth keeping as I have discovered. The rest can bring some joy to others, and our child will continue to live on.

We Never Lose the People We Love

2011-02-06T06:00:00.002-07:00

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death.
They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make.
Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories.
We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.
Leo Buscaglia

I happen to see this quote in a current issue of the online Compassionate Friends Newsletter. How true! How true it is! I think of how I can apply this quote to everything I have done since my daughter died.

Every time I have to make a decision about something, whether it be to participate in an event, give to a charity or even just where to travel, I always think of how my daughter, Marcy, would have responded. “Mom,” she would say, “Go for it! You’re good at organizing events. You’re a Virgo and Virgos are perfectionists.” I smile. That I am, just as she was a stubborn Leo. I have taken on national bereavement conferences and am happy to help others. I have walked for charities or just donated when receiving information on that charity, if I believe it is worth-while. And traveling, my passion and hers also: I am always so sad that she is not able to see all the places I know she would have liked. When I am at a destination, I turn to my husband and always say, “Marcy would have loved this city… these mountains… this exhibit.”

We never forget our children, no matter how long it has been since they died. A piece of our heart has died with them, yet we go on. Then something always triggers a remembrance, and that is okay. Whether it makes you smile or cry, either one is a healthy reaction. You don’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed around others, because your feelings for your child will always be within you, no matter what.

So many good memories…why not write them down, put them away and treasure them always. If you are having a bad day, take one out and remember, smile or even laugh.

The parents of 9-year-old Christina Green from Tucson, who was born on a tragic day 9/11/2001 and died in a tragic shooting a few weeks ago, will always think of her when thinking of politics, how enthusiastic she was about serving her country and wanting to get to know her Congresswoman from Tucson, Gabrielle Giffords. It would not surprise me if her parents or sibling, years from now, honor her memory by doing something along political lines, whether as a volunteer or as an advocate.

This is how we share our love for our children when they are no longer with us physically but always in our hearts and minds. We try to do good; we try to help others as our children would have done; we try to find a cause that will bring a smile to our child’s face, wherever they are. Our lives have been enriched for having them, and we become better people for it.

Alive On Canvas

2011-01-30T06:00:00.001-07:00

I recently read an article in the Alive Alone Newsletter,(published every 2-3 months for parents who have lost their only child or all their children) dealing with how families can share and enjoy cherished items from their deceased child. I think it’s a fantastic idea.

Artist Gina Klawitter creates life-like, celebratory portraits featuring her subjects’ personal clothing and belongings. From recital dresses to sports uniforms and play outfits, Gina artfully forms clothing and other memorabilia items into custom collage paintings. She calls her unique collage art, Alive on Canvas.

One set of parents used their son’s beloved baseball t-shirt, cap and other items related to his love of baseball. Another family wanted to commemorate and celebrate their daughter’s life. She wanted to be a ballerina and so they took her tutu and dance shoes and made an art piece out of it.

Gina consults with her clients. Some know exactly what they want. Others defer to Gina after showing her some clothing, photos and related memories they’d like to use. Gina helps identify and compose a story that captures the loved one’s essence. In person or by email, Gina shares the art with her client at different stages for feedback and confirmation.

This process is a lovely, tangible and expressive way for bereaved families to celebrate and memorialize a loved one. For those who desire to make their own portrait collage piece as a hands-on way of healing, Gina has a book that guides do-it-yourselfers through the process. For more information visit www.aliveoncanvas.com.

Rabbit Hole Movie, a Must See For Bereaved Parents

2011-01-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

Finally, a movie showing how the death of a child traumatizes a whole family is out. It has taken a very long time to try to portray an “acceptable” job of accurately portraying the toll such an event takes on everyone involved: parents, siblings (if any), grandparents, other relatives and friends.

Until the 1980’s the death of a child was kept hidden under the table. No one ever spoke about it because no one was ever educated as to how to react when it happened. Thank God for books, for Harriett Schiff’s first attempt to explain what you will go through if it ever happens to you and to all succeeding books on all aspects of death of a child with a variety of opinions as to reactions. A few movies attempted to tackle the subject and were fairly successful. But now, Director John Cameron Mitchell has given Nicole Kidman a chance to delve into the depths of despair, a depth to which no one can understand but a bereaved parent. Mitchell himself was a bereaved sibling but watched the effect it had on his parents and he never forgot. He read the screenplay and knew he had to do it.

“Rabbit Hole” is based on the Pulitzer Prize winning play by the same name. The movie starts eight months after Becca (Nicole Kidman) and Howie’s (Aaron Eckhart) young son Adam dies when he runs into the street after his dog. Their hearts are broken and day to day, they are simply trying to find their way, a feat that no one is truly prepared to face. They are at the opposite ends of the grief spectrum. Becca thinks she is ready to move on, but she is not openly grieving. Howie sees something wrong with not grieving and seeks solace in a support group. Becca’s mother (Dianne Wiest), whose adult son-Becca’s brother-died from a drug overdose, is coping with religion.

For me, the only part of the film that is not very realistic is some of the support group scenes, like when they go into the parking lot during a break, smoke pot and come back to the meeting in a different mood. That is not what a support group meeting is about.

There is, however, a lot that bereaved parents can take away from the movie: different types of grieving; decisions on changing your life, such as moving; anger, what if’s, friends who don’t know how to handle someone’s grief; tears that come when you least expect them; and intimacy issues. The movie’s main theme is to “create a new normal” for yourself and your family. All of these issues and more are discussed in my new book also.

One piece of advice I always tell others is not to let anyone tell you they understand how you feel because they don’t and never will unless it happens to them. Bravo to the friends who just simply say, “I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what you are going through.” Those are the honest ones, the ones who care about you, the ones who will be there for you simply to comfort and offer help. They understand.

You can not get out of this movie without crying, but that is not bad; in fact, I’d be surprised if you didn’t cry. Crying is not a bad thing. It is more of a relief of emotions and pain and just remembering the love you shared with your child.

Kidman hopes, “This film reminds people, especially those still grieving, that they’re not alone. There is no solution to taking this pain away, but you’re not alone.”

A Dedication To Elizabeth Edwards

2011-01-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

When I now see anything written about Elizabeth Edwards, who recently died, my eyes water over, and I think of a brave, kind woman, whom I was fortunate enough to meet three years ago at a national Compassionate Friends Conference in Oklahoma City.

She knew she was dying at the time, yet she also knew she had a lot of work to still do and so, in spite of how she felt (she was on Chemo at that time and others) she continued on. She wanted to make sure she wrote down everything her children might want to know the answers to in their lifetime, so they could grow up to be fine human beings that she would be proud of. She anticipated every event, kept records of everything and participated completely in their lives. There were times during her illness she may not have been the perfect mother, but she wanted to do as much as possible in the time she had left.

Elizabeth knew the meaning of grief. Her 16-year-old son Wade was killed in an automobile accident in 1997. But Elizabeth was a survivor, as we all can be, and eventually had more children, but never forgetting her son in the process or all the help and kindness from others she received during those dark days.

She once said she hoped she could live eight more years, until her youngest was out of high school, so she could be there for him, but it was not to be. She tried to do as much as she could not only for her family but also for others. The people she met during her political life and became passionate about, the people she met at that Compassionate Friends Conference that she spoke with, when she was so ill but struggling to keep going, and the times she felt helpless and could do no more but always hoping that tomorrow would be a better day…that was Elizabeth, always with a smile on her face and a golden heart.

Her book “Saving Graces” and her newest “Resilience” give one a fascinating look into her life and struggles and more importantly, to the kind of person she was.

She left all of us with a saying that I will always keep and treasure, for it is a truth for all of us to follow in our lifetime:

The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren’t able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It’s called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.
Elizabeth Edwards
(1949 – 2010)

Regional/National Conferences

2011-01-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

TCF regional and national conferences are now being set up for all those interested in attending. Below is some of the preliminary information. Contact Compassionate Friends for more information on these three conferences.

REGIONAL CONFERENCES OF TCF

TCF regional conferences offer a rewarding opportunity to share an intimate time with families that have also experienced the death of a child and are seeking ways to learn more about the common path on which we walk. Regional conferences are generally held three to four times a year around the country by local chapters, or groups of TCF chapters. The content of regional conferences will vary greatly as planners try to provide a comfortable and pleasant learning and sharing experience for all who attend. Most regional conferences have workshops of some type and quite often a special speaker and other planned events. Usually 50-200 people will attend most TCF regional conferences compared to 1200 or more for TCF’s annual national conference.

Frankfort, Kentucky Regional Conference: March 25-26, 2011 has the theme "Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love." Speakers will include: Compassionate Friends Executive Director Patricia Loder; Past TCF Board President Patrick Malone; Singer, entertainer Alan Pedersen; Grief expert and popular TCF workshop presenter Mitch Carmody; and Two Star General Mark Graham of the United States Army.
There will be a number of workshops including: First 2 Years; Reinvesting in Life; For Men Only; For Women Only; How Have I Changed; Anger & Guilt; Depression vs. Grief; Death by Violent Crime; Sudden Death. There will also be workshops to help strengthen TCF Chapters.

Nebraska Regional Conference: April 1-2, 2011. Speakers, presenters include: Internationally known grief speaker Darcie Sims; Past member of TCF's Board of Directors, John Stanley; Creator of The Birdhouse Project, Kris Munsch; Popular author and TCF workshop presenter Mitch Carmody. Entertainment will be provided by Alan Pedersen, a good friend of TCF and currently involved in "The Angels Across the USA Tour."
There will be a number of workshops including: The Healing Power of Ritual; Grief and Marriage; Death of a Teenager; Suicide Workshop; For Parents who are now Childless; Commitment to Survival; Moving on-What does the other side of grief look like?; Finding Hope in the Midst of Despair; Spirituality Panel; Infant Loss; Murder; Sudden Accidental Death Panel; How Do Men Grieve; Faces of Grief; and Stress Reduction.

NATIONAL CONFERENCE OF TCF
TCF's 34th National Conference will be held in Minneapolis/St. Paul July 15-17, 2011 at the Sheraton Bloomington Hotel. You will find it to be another great conference with around 100 workshops, sharing sessions, special keynote speakers at the Opening, Closing and Friday Afternoon and Saturday Evening banquets, Hospitality Room, Butterfly Room, Reflection Room, a completely stocked bookstore, special Friday evening entertainment and a Remembrance Candle Lighting. TCF's Walk to Remember will be held Sunday morning. Theme of the conference is "Sharing Stars, Guiding Hope."

Special rates will be available for those staying at the Sheraton Bloomington Hotel, although room reservations for those attending the conference will not be taken until January, 2011. Watch here for a notice plus the start of online registration, first for hotel rooms and later for the conference itself.

Bereaved Parents USA and Parents of Murdered Children will also hold national conferences summer 2011. Go to these .com web sites for more information.

New Years Thoughts

2011-01-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year. It is now 2012 and each time a new year arrives, I have many scattered thoughts of my life and my daughter, some of which I’d like to share with you.

It has been almost 17 years since Marcy’s fatal car accident. She should be here, I say to myself. She should be enjoying this life here on earth with her husband and what might have been many children, a wonderful career and many friends.

Time passes so quickly. I am getting older and hopefully wiser about life and how the twists and turns, joys and heartaches are etched into your life. I have many things to be thankful for and many things I still want to do, some in memory of my daughter, others with my husband, and the rest with just myself.

I have accomplished much since my daughter died; I felt a burning need to help others and hope I am doing that and can continue to do that for many more years. I have new friends, many of whom never knew Marcy, but hear about her through me and say, “She must have been very special.” “Oh, yes,” I answer, she was. And they show their appreciation of me through giving to her foundation each year to help other young people achieve their goals.

I think about my daughter every second of every day. Only I know that (and now you). I think of what might have been and what will never be. I am disgusted how her death was such a waste of a beautiful life. I think of how different my life would have been if she had been able to live and enjoy her life. I think of her husband and how sad it is that I have no contact with him. But then I think of my three Godchildren, born through my daughter’s best friend, and I am hoping for a fabulous life for all of them. They are being brought up well, are good people and I see them doing great things. I wish them only the best.

I don’t feel as old as I am. I don’t even think of myself as getting older each year. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see an older woman. I feel like I have the energy of a woman in her forties; I am healthy; and I want to continue traveling, having friends over and enjoying many, many more years laughing with my husband. Oh, yes, the wrinkles are there, but I am not interested in trying to look younger as many do. I am satisfied with who I am.

What would I do differently, knowing all that I know now? My answer: NOTHING. Everything has a reason for happening, although I sometimes question why my daughter had to die. But I have seen so much good come out of my life since 1994 (the worst year of my life) that I have to say I’ve adapted to my new life, but never, ever forget the most beautiful experience of my life: giving birth to and bringing up my daughter. That is what gives my life meaning and always will.

Using Medicines To Ease Grief

2010-12-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

There are many pros and cons about using medicine when grieving the loss of a child or any loved one. Some say they couldn’t have survived without it; others say it is not necessary, that you will eventually move on with your life and can do so without any drugs. I believe there is a case for both.

As a society we tend to think there is a chemical solution to every problem we may have and surely the death of a child is way up there on the ladder. Doctors, for whatever reason, tend to hand out prescriptions if we can convince them we are in need of such. But we must be cautious of whether we need medicine or not and ask our doctor what medicines should be taken if necessary.

One bereaved single mother I met recently, who takes medicines for health reasons and has done so her whole life, was told by a few friend and later her doctor, that an anti-depressant would help her during her grief journey. She was not convinced. She didn’t want to put anything more into her body than was necessary. She was afraid of any reactions she might have. And she was not sure medicine was the answer.

This mother was lucky. She had other friends who turned out to be a great support system for her needs. They came over and helped with preparing meals for her family, helped her with housework, even helped her when it came time to pay the bills. On some days they took her out to lunch and even got her to laugh occasionally. If appropriate, and they saw it might help, they would talk about the child and encourage the mother to do so as part of her grief work. They even suggested a grief group where she could share with others. They made sure she got enough rest, enough physical activity and ate right. Through it all, they also gave her space; time to be by herself: to cry, to journal, to do whatever she needed to deal with her pain.

“My friends saved my life by showing me they cared and wanted to help, and I’ll never forget their kindness,” the mother said. “I’m in a good place now. Time and friendships were a great healer for me.”

On the other hand, there are some people who depend on all types of medications to make their life easier. In the case of the death of a child, they believe it is the only way to survive. The severe grief reaction one may have can bring on chemical depression and can lead to all kinds of problems, even suicide.

Dr. Richard Dew, in an article he wrote, says than chemical depressions results from lowered levels of substances in the brain called neurotransmitters. It is generally believed that 10-15% of the population is genetically predisposed to chemical depression. If something happens to lower that neurotransmitter level, this is where the problems begin. Often a trial of antidepressant medication is the only way to tell if this is the case. “It will take three to four weeks to see if there is a response. I always caution my patients that antidepressants will not make you feel good. They make you feel more near whatever is normal for you. For those grieving a close loss, you won’t feel good, but you’ll now be in the same boat as others in your group, and you are more able to do your grief work and benefit from it.”

Dr. Dew cautions that medication may be a necessary aid for some, but it is only one part of the healing process. Coping skills are what will get you through this.

NOTE: If you personally have any reaction to using medicine for grief, I’d like to hear about it. Email me your comments.

The Prayer Registry

2010-12-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Editor’s note: I received the following information about a fairly new online website service. It is not in my new book because I didn’t know about it until now, so I thought I’d give you a little information about it in case you would like to join or get more information.

The Prayer Registry (www.sheriperl.com) is a free website service dedicated to all of the families who have lost children no matter the age.

It was started by Sheri Perl Migdol after she lost her 22 year old son Danny in 2008 to an overdose and dedicated to him. The site registers the anniversary day of the child’s death. Members of this online community, the Prayer Team, have the opportunity to honor their child’s legacy, connect with other bereaved parents, and participate in world-wide group prayer for every registered loved one on the anniversary day of their passing, according to Sheri.

“There is no charge for this service,” said Sheri. “It is my sincere hope that every bereaved parent who registers a child will join the Prayer Team and be a source of prayer for all of the children on the other side.”

Sheri needs only the child’s full name along with the death date. The child’s name will be published on the Prayer Registry calendar and she will upload comments, biographies or any other information you want to share about your child with others. “Once a member, you will receive reminders one week and one day before the anniversary day of one of our kids.”

She encourages bereaved parents to email any questions, concerns or feelings that you would like to share. “My door is always open. I hope this site provides some small measure of balm for the wounds of loss. From one bereaved parent to another, I welcome you to my site and offer my support.”

“This is one club that none of us would join by choice, but since we find ourselves in this unthinkable place, we stand stronger when we stand side by side,” she added.

Anniversary remembrances

2010-12-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

The first anniversary of your child’s death is very difficult as is many other “firsts.” Above everything else, parents don’t want their child to be forgotten. Many make the effort to make sure this doesn’t happen, particularly on the first birthday after the death.

Here is one idea from a bereaved parent who felt a great need to do something special on her son Scott’s birthday, 8 months after he died. She had a birthday party for him recording the entire event so she would have something to look back on and always remember. She invited both Scott’s close friends and a few of her own who had known Scott his whole life. She asked each person to bring a remembrance story about Scott. It could be a serious or funny story or combination of both.

In the weeks proceeding the party, she went through pictures she had, picked about 50 of them and prepared a music/slide presentation to show guests. She also laid out many scrapbooks she had and displayed items from Scott’s life in the main room: his awards, his football jersey, his prom picture, etc. Friends appreciated seeing items that remind them of times spent together.

This mom also picked out one special picture and used it to make t-shirts for all the guests. When they arrived, she handed them out and asked the guest to put the shirt on for the celebration.

She cooked Scott’s favorite meal: hamburgers and onion rings and made a black forest birthday cake, another favorite, with ice-cream. When everyone was done eating, remembrance stories were told, and then they were handed a small piece of paper to write a short message to Scott and attach it to a helium balloon. In the back yard, a poem the mom wrote was read and a balloon release sent all the messages high in the sky.

She ended the party with a short speech about how she appreciated everyone coming and that she hoped this would be the start of something nice each one of them could do every year on Scott’s birthday to help others and remember, with love, their dear friend. Everyone was encouraged to visit a children’s hospital with little gifts of stuffed animals, making a donation to an organization in Scott’s name, start a scholarship at the school he went to, donate blood to help others, simply light a candle on that special day or any other idea of their choice.

This was her way of celebrating Scott’s life and encouraging his friends to find some good in this horrible tragedy. She could only hope her words found a place in each of their hearts.

As for myself, I always go to the cemetery on that day, bring flowers and talk to my daughter, telling her how much she is missed by both myself, her husband and her friends. One mother I know holds and annual golf tournament since her child was into that sport. Another is involved in MADD and speaks to high school students about drinking and driving, and still another started a memorial page online where others can go and leave messages and remembrances. Friends may want to get together and plant a tree in his or her name and perhaps even place a plaque in the area. There are many things one can do.

Keep everything sent or given to you after your child died, so you can look back with loving thoughts. Best of all, reach out to others who are bereaved and you will find it will also help you in your grief journey.

Video, Interview and Candlelighting

2010-12-05T07:00:00.003-07:00

YOU TUBE
My first You-Tube video is now online about my latest book, “Creating a New Normal…After the Death of a Child,” and I can proudly say I did it myself, with my husband doing the production part (placing it on YouTube with music). The ideas were mine, the photos taken by me and the organization done by myself. It took many hours of planning, visualizing and getting only bereaved parents to participate in the photos. I am proud of the finished product and invite you to watch it and even pass on the link for others to see. The link information is on the right side of this page. Scroll all the way down to where it says You Tube Video and click. When it comes up, click on the arrow box in the right hand bottom corner to make the video full screen and watch it. It's around 4 minutes long. Hope you like it. Let me know.

OPEN TO HOPE INTERVIEW
Open to Hope did a 20 minute interview of me for their show about my new book, but specifically how married couples, who have lost a child, can save their marriage. It will air all week long from Dec. 2-9 from their main site www.opentohope.com and then be archived for further viewing. I enjoy my conversations with Gloria and Heidi Horsley. Gloria is a bereaved mother and Heidi a bereaved sibling. Together they started the Open To Hope Foundation and their web site in 2007. They now get over a million hits a month. Whether you have lost a child, spouse, grandchild, sibling or even a pet, this site tries to reach everyone with a loss. Check it out.

WORLDWIDE CANDLE LIGHTING
Sunday, December 12 is the 14th annual Worldwide Candle Lighting. At 7 p.m. local time candles will shine for one hour (creating a virtual wave of light around the globe) in memory of all our children. If you contact your local Compassionate Friends chapter, you can find out if services will be held in your area. You can also look on the TCF website: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ for a listing of services, which are open to the public. Also houses of worship, hospitals and funeral homes in some areas hold remembrance services. TCF also has a Remembrance Book in which you can post a note to your loved one on December 12 only, but look at all year long. In addition, you may want to share the time with friends and relatives or just spend the time alone in quiet solitude. The choice is yours, but don't miss this opportunity to remember your child and join hundreds of thousands around the world who are doing the same.

A Holiday Message

2010-11-28T07:00:00.001-07:00

Editor's note: SIDS Foundation sent this beautiful note to eveyone this week at the start of the holiday season. I found its message to be simple but profound and so I wanted to share it with you as you think about your child and what this season may mean to you.

With Thanksgiving this week kicking-off of the holiday season, we thought we would take this opportunity to share a bit of information on handling the holidays.

First off, acknowledging and recognizing that that every holiday season will bring up different emotions and certainly, if this is your first following the loss of your child, your experience will be quite different than it had been in the past. Holidays, which had heralded joy and celebrations, may now be accompanied by feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, and anxiety for many. Through the darkened days of this season, it is vital that families allow themselves to also see the light.

Light can be a symbol of life, hope, faith, as well as enjoyment. Christmas, Kwanzaa and Chanukah are all upcoming holidays that celebrate using light. As part of the “journey of healing”, try to use the light to help lead you through this most difficult season. Look again at your support systems- family, friends and faith and consider “rekindling” relationships that may have “burned low.” Share with family and friends what helps and what hurts. Utilize your support system to keep your light shining bright. You may want to pick and choose which events to attend. Acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having. Don’t let the expectations of others prevent you from meeting your own needs. Set some goals for yourself and plan ways to help you handle any potential uncomfortable situations.

Another very valuable part of the holiday season is the act of giving. To be able to reach out and help someone else in need can be a very rewarding, empowering, and inspiring experience. One of the most important people to give to is you. During this season, be sure to nurture yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. After a loss, many people neglect themselves and often feel guilty taking care of their needs. When done in memory of your child, the act of giving, including to yourself, can be an even more powerful experience than ever before.

May the bright memories of your child light your way through the holiday season. We wish you peace with your family and friends.

Writing Obit for Loved One

2010-11-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Writing an obituary for a loved one is not an easy task but an important one if you are up to doing it. You could leave it up to the newspaper staff to do and provide the information or you can write an expression of love yourself and send it in by email to be printed.

The main reason to write your own is to make sure the information gets printed correctly. I can tell you from experience that when my daughter Marcy died, I did not write the obit and wrongly assumed it would be okay to let someone else do it. In three different papers, her name was spelled three different ways: Marci, Marcie and the correct way, Marcy. I was furious that others have such disregard for making sure a name is correct. As a journalism teacher, I remember it was the first lesson I taught my students: name accuracy. And I used the example of the simple last name of Smith, which can be spelled Smithe, Smythe, Smyth or Smith.

When Marcy’s father, my ex-husband, died earlier this year, I was determined not to let that happen again and so I wrote his obituary myself, including Marcy’s name in it as having pre-deceased him. It was printed as written, and I was happy with the results.

Another reason to do it yourself is to make sure it gets to where you want it to get, that is, you may want to send it to more than one publication and usually a funeral director will not want to bother to do more than one.

You may also want it printed immediately, depending on when the service is being held, so that others can know and attend if they so desire.

There are even some people now who are writing their own obituaries and planning the whole funeral service, saying what music they want played, what poem or song they want sung, and what instructions they want followed. Although this may sound morbid, perhaps it is not a bad idea to relieve the loved one of the burden. (I have already decided what I want my funeral stone to say for my husband and me and have purchased a double funeral plot. It is something everyone should think about.)

Obituaries should contain the following basic information: name, age, date of death, when and where funeral services will be held, and surviving family members (and deceased as in the case of Marcy). Usually, the cause of death is not listed. You might want to add the school from where the person graduated, important organizations they belonged to, honors won and phrases such as “a loving father, grandfather or husband” or some personality trait he/she was known for. A final comment is usually directed at where flowers or contributions in the person’s memory can be made.

Many like to send photos along with the article written. This can also be sent by email. You don’t want to take the chance of calling in all the information, and sending it all snail mail takes too long. Too many mistakes can be made, and once it is printed, it is too late to correct.

There is usually a cost involved to get a nice obituary in a local newspaper, and it ranges anywhere from free to $200, as I discovered recently. Call the newspaper for the email to send the information or if you have a good funeral director, they will email it immediately to where it needs to go.

Although not a pleasant thing to have to do, it will be the last thing read for some friends of the deceased. You want it to be a tribute to them, done accurately and properly.

Dance and Self-expression

2010-11-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Tabitha Jayne, a Transformational Loss Coach, for this article on the art of dance and self-expression. She currently blogs on bereavement at http://www.findyourtruepurpose.com. She invites you to start transforming your loss and learn to live by signing up for her FREE video series on how to go 'from grief to great' at http://www.fromgrieftogreat.com

Dance is a great way of tapping into deep emotions and connecting with yourself after loss. When I talk about dance I don't mean the kind of dancing you do on a night out with friends in a club but rather solo dancing to allow self expression. It's very hard to let yourself get caught up in music and dance with abandon to it when there are others around.

This type of dancing is not about following steps or trying to look good whilst you dance but a throwback to using dance as part of rituals and ceremonies. Think about the rain dances of Native Americans or the War Dance that the New Zealand rugby team use. Even the Highland Fling was originally created as a war dance to encourage victory before battle!

The key is the intent behind the dance. Find some music you are attracted to. Create an intention to dance with. I know that after my brother died a lot of my intentions were all about expressing my anger safely. Maybe you want to express your love, let go of pain or just tap into something you can't express.

Moving to the music in an authentic way allows you to tap into deep unnamed emotions and express them. It's not important that you don't know what they are only that you have expressed them. Dancing also boosts your immune system which is lowered after loss. This means that you are working on a physical and emotional level creating powerful internal change.

Around 40 years ago Rolando Toro, a Chilean psychologist developed Biodanza. This is a group dance experience that works on these principles. Toro created Biodanza as a way of enabling people to connect authentically with themselves and others and work towards a more happy and peaceful way of life. He realised how dance can transform us. As a side note, Toro was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in 2001 for his work with Biodanza. Impressive, no?

It can be intimidating at first to do this in a group. So start now and get comfortable with authentic expression through dance. Go to You Tube and find a song that comes to mind. Make sure you are alone and put it on loudly. Stand up and close your eyes. Listen to the music and feel it with your body. Then slowly just let your body move in its own rhythm. As you're alone you don't have to worry about looking silly. Experience how this feels. You have nothing to lose.

Terrorists Affects On Us

2010-11-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

I digress this week to give you my thoughts on recent terrorist threats and how they affect all of us who have already gone through the worst thing that can happen to us: the loss of a child.

With the recent terrorism threats in Europe against Americans, I am reminded of a few years ago when I attended the Compassionate Friends National Conference in Oklahoma City. I was anxious to go there. I, like everyone else, knew what had happened in April 1995 to the Federal Building and to the 165 people who died, many of them children in a day care center within the building. Like any occurrence of this magnitude, there is a desire to see it for ourselves. And I did just that one afternoon when there were no sessions being held.

I went to the site, which is now a memorial to the victims. After passing through the Door of Hope, I saw that each person who died had an empty chair lined up in a particular row, depending on what floor he or she died. The chair is made of copper and has the name of the victim on it. At the bottom is a light that illuminates slowly from a shadow to a bright light by the end of the day, giving the entire area an eerie but peaceful feeling at night. I thought it was beautifully and tastefully done.

The chairs sit facing a large pond. On the other side of the pond is the memorial building housing a minute by minute description of the event in pictures, sounds, video and the spoken word. Before walking into the building, one can see walls of fencing with remembrance notes, flowers and handmade items hung there. The powerful emotions of love and hope, and especially healing, emanating from these messages to loved ones was extraordinary. I tried to read as many as time allowed, feeling the power of each word and thinking how I felt with each remembrance done for my daughter.

Inside these fences is a children’s park of cards and artwork, like the tile that read, “The world cares.” I was moved by the silence, the peacefulness, the somber looks on everyone’s face as they slowly walked through the exhibits taking it all in. It was truly a work of love. The sirens wailed, the fireman shouted, the babies cried as they were picked up by strangers who had no idea who these victims were, but only knew they needed help. One fireman said, “I’m going home tonight to hug my children and tell them I love them. There never seems to be enough time in the day, and sometimes we forget that very important act.” It seems like only when we face our loss, can we begin to heal.

I also want to one day go to the city of my birth, New York, and look at where the World Trade Center Memorial now stands. I remember walking once into that building one year when visiting from the west coast. The anger continues for most, not only about the collapsed buildings and the almost 3,000 people who lost their lives, but also about the senselessness of it all. What was accomplished by this attack and the Oklahoma City attack on American soil? Not a thing. And now a Muslim center may be built only a few blocks away, causing more problems for the future.

Too many of my friends lost children and husbands to wars, terrorist attacks and hatred. What a waste, I say to myself as I did the day my daughter was killed by an impaired driver in a senseless act of selfishness.

What a shame we can’t all live in peace and harmony. We came together during these two tragedies; we responded where needed; we are good people. As Anne Frank once said, “In spite of everything, I still believe people are good at heart.” No matter what happened to her she still believed in a better world. And so do I as I hope and pray we can avoid any more senseless attacks where a loved one dies.

Halloween, the Mask of Grief

2010-10-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Today is Halloween and although we do not celebrate it like we did when my daughter Marcy was alive and young enough to enjoy the night, we still answer the door to the goblin and fairy princess costumes from our neighborhood.

“How pretty you look,” I say to the young children. “And how scary you look, I tell the young boys who have on evil masks.”

We have spooky music we play when they ring the bell. We used to do that with Marcy’s friends also. Most of the very little ones scream, but they don’t run away (since most have parents with them). Some laugh, older ones think it’s corny. It is a tradition and traditions are sacred. We open the door, check out the masks and the costumes and then place candy in each bag, watching them trail off to the next house, comparing their ‘take’ to make sure they all got equal amounts.

I remember Marcy always tried to make simple costumes, ones that didn’t feel cumbersome on her. She always looked cute, and I always took pictures. After she would go trick or treating, she would bring home the candy and we’d sort it out. If it was not in a closed wrapper, into the garbage it went. She understood why we did this. Then her father would invariably ask for a few of the ones he liked and being the generous person she was, she gave him what he wanted. The candy was taken to school the next day and friends exchanged, bartered, bargained and gave away some to those who did not get to go out the night before. Many times, candy was discarded after a few weeks, but it was always a happy celebration.

These are my memories of Halloween, and I hold them close to me. Now on Halloween, I don a different type of mask, one that will cover the tears that start to form and the heaviness in my chest. Will it always be like this? Perhaps.

Halloween is one of the holidays that can still hold joy, laughter and happiness for the little ones. Never did I think that I would be wearing the mask I wear today, that of a bereaved parent. But we can still look back and remember those good times at Halloween as we do with all our memories…the only thing we have left of our children.

Another Remembrance

2010-10-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

Wow! Another voice from the past. A few days ago I received a notice from the Open to Hope Foundation, for which I write articles on surviving grief also, saying that someone was looking for me to tell me a story about my daughter Marcy. I didn’t recognize the gentleman’s name, but something told me this was the real thing, not someone trying to delve into my personal life or some quack. So I sent an email to this gentleman saying he could contact me. Within a couple of hours he called.

He turned out to be a friend of Marcy’s from the high school youth organizations the kids belonged to many years ago. In fact, he said, they went out a few times. He did not know about Marcy’s car accident at first but found out later on through other friends. He offered his sympathy and wanted me to know what a wonderful person he thought she was, a kind, gentle soul with a personality that matched. My heart soared. So many people telling me the same thing over the years. Yes, she was special. And here was another person, more than 16 years after her death, still remembering as I do every minute of every day.

He lives close to me and has always been in the area. He caught me up on his own life and the fact that he has a daughter who is almost an adult now. He sounded very proud of her.

Love her and take good care of her, I thought. Every minute is precious, because you never know what can happen in a split second. I think this but never voice it to him nor anyone else. There are some things you just keep in your heart for you alone.

Deep down, a memory of this gentleman’s name surfaced, probably because I knew most of Marcy’s friends and people she liked and dated. I was always good at names. And she was always good at relating all her experiences with me. We were extremely close.

He mentioned some other friends of both of theirs who had passed and asked if I knew any of them. Yes, I had and was sorry to hear the news of ones so young, already gone. He said he was going to read my book and then contact me again. “By all means, do,” I said. I thanked him for calling and his kind words about Marcy and he, in turn, thanked me for all the good work I do to help others.

Another day with another memory of my daughter. Perhaps it is true that I will get my wish and she will never be forgotten.

A Permanent Solution To a Temporary Problem

2010-10-17T06:00:00.001-07:00

The suicide of Rutgers 18-year-old college student Tyler Clementi, a promising young musician, has left people stunned and mourning his death. A video of Clementi having sex with another man on campus was put on the internet, causing Clementi to jump to his death off the George Washington bridge.

This most recent tragedy has brought suicide once again into the light. Here are some facts. Suicide is the 3rd leading killer of this nation’s youth, after firearms, suffocation and poisoning. Thirteen hundred people have leaped off the San Francisco bridge since it opened in 1933, making it the most popular place to commit suicide.

It is a disturbing trend and a classic example of a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

At the San Francisco bridge, preventing suicide is called ‘means reduction.’ This is when you eliminate ways people can kill themselves until the impulse passes and they can get help. At the bridge, placing a net will cost $45 million, but groups are determined to see it completed.

The message is that suicide can be avoided. According to the president of Cornell University, Dr. David Skorton, Cornell has had six students jump off a gorge bridge, “Underlying mental health issues are the main explanation for suicides, not a breakup or stress,” he said. “It’s okay to raise your hand and say you’re suffering. The most important thing we can do is to take away the stigma of seeking mental health care.”

In 2009, 13.8% of high school students seriously considered attempting suicide. Lori Flynn, who runs Columbia University’s teen screen program to identify 14-17 year olds who are at risk and whose daughter attempted suicide but survived, says that sometimes it is hard to sift out what is adolescent moodiness and what is depression. When kids are asked why they didn't say something about their problems, their answer is always, “Nobody asked.” “We ask,” said Flynn.

Another counselor, Jamie Torkowski, who is the leader of the To Write Love on Her Arms non-profit movement, tours the country reaching out to teens at concerts and festivals. He started his group because of a girl he knew who took a razor blade to herself because she believed she was a failure. Torkowshi believes he has reached over 100,000 youths by social networking.

“Prevention can start with discussions,” he says. “Hear what they are saying. One key weapon is to let struggling young people know they are not alone and that we care.”

As for Tyler Clementi, the stakes of not hearing those who are young and vulnerable was brought home to Rutgers students. A tribute to Clementi was held in his hometown this past Thursday.

“If we identify social support, identify those struggling, make it okay to raise your hand and say I need help, and restrict the means to follow an impulse, we will succeed,” said Skorton.

If you have a moving story of suicide attempt or completion and would like to share it with me, send your story to sfoxaz@hotmail.com

Marcy's Anniversary and Coming of Fall

2010-10-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Fall is here and with that is the reminder that today would have been my daughter’s 17th wedding anniversary. How could it be so long ago, I ask myself? Seems like just yesterday she was putting on her wedding dress, married and looking forward to a bright future with her husband.

Marcy was the marketing director for the L.A. Music Center and her husband a movie producer. They had such plans as I, too, did for them. But it was not to be. Four months later she was killed in a car accident by an impaired driver.

I now look at the changing of the seasons through different eyes. The beautiful colors of the leaves and the chill in the air are all very nice, but for me, a bereaved parent, it is just another reminder of the rush of memories that will always surround me during this season.

We seem to go from one hurdle to the next. The cycle never stops, nor do our memories. We breathe a sign of relief when, each year, we survive the death date (early spring), the birthday (summer) and now the anniversary (fall), three important seasons, three of the important days in my life that I honor each year.

On all of them I go to the cemetery, clean her stone, place flowers on her grave and tell her the latest news of family and friends. Most of all, I tell her how much I love her and miss her. I believe she is watching over me each time I travel, each time I do something special or each time I write a book or article. When I travel, I always wear my Marcy necklace with her picture on it, so she can travel with me. When I write, she is the inspiration and always a part of my writings. I know she would like my latest book, because it can be of help to so many people who are bereaved and she was always the type to help others as I’ve done. I am building new memories as I move forward each day and each year.

Just know it is okay to grieve, it is okay to cry and it is okay to celebrate your child’s life in any way you feel is right. I have some friends who invite their child’s friends over on the birthday date and celebrate their life; I have others who prefer to be alone on those days. I have friends who want their child to be remembered by others and always bring up their name while other parents feel it is too sad to talk about. Still others want to make a difference, get laws passed, do some good in the world in their child’s name. There is nothing wrong with any of these ideas or any way you go about it.

We are different people now. But one thing that is always constant is the seasons of the year. I hope your fall season this year is a happy and meaningful one and that you only have happy thoughts when thinking about your child.

Writing Names in Sand and Other Information

2010-10-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Aloha means hello, goodbye, love, peace, compassions and mercy…a perfect word for the many emotions a mom feels who has lost a child.

I ran across an interesting site for parents who are always looking for ways to remember their child. The site, http://aloharemembered.blogspot.com , will write your child’s name in the sands of Hawaii. What a beautiful place for a remembrance to find comfort in seeing the name in print as another verification that our child existed.

This whole idea started out when Emily had a stillborn named Gabriel and her sister wrote his name in the sand of a beach close to her home on the North Shore of Hawaii and sent it to her. It is a beach set aside as a quiet place of reflection. The written name is not permanent, but rather just there for a few minutes before the waters wash it away. It is a brief moment in time, but one that most bereaved parents can treasure.

Email the name of your child who died to nickwilberg@hotmail.com , and they will write the name in the sand, snap a photo, and post it on the blog for you or email or snail mail it to you for a small fee. All the information is on the web site including some pictures taken. It is a touching tribute in the sands of time.

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP and author of "When Every Day Matters: A Mother's Memoir on Love, Loss and Life" in her recent newsletter discusses "How To Chose A Therapist," if you need one. Her main point is that a client can feel more understood when the therapist has clinical experience with the situation the client is bringing to therapy, and, if the therapist has the same personal experience, even better. I agree that this is so true, particularly after the death of a child. A friend of mine tried therapy with a grief counselor who was not bereaved herself, and my friend said the counselor had no clue as to how the bereaved mother felt. Mary Jane emphasizes that one should be wise when choosing a therapist and to pick someone who is intelligent, kind, confident, qualified and one you feel a nice rapport with. You can read more about this topic by contacting Mary Jane at maryjanebrant@gmail.com.

Think about going to one of the following conferences in 2011 and plan ahead so as not to get shut out of hotel space. These conferences include:

TCF National Conference in Menneapolis, MN, weekend of July 14 -17. Over 100 workshops to help parents, grandparents and siblings.

BPUSA Gathering in Reston, VA ,weekend of July 29-31. Many workshops for bereaved parents.

POMC Conference in Milwaukee, WI, August 4-7. Specifically for parents who lost their children to murder.

Frankfort, Kentucky, Regional Conference March 25-26 has the theme "Words of Wisdom, Hearts of Love." Many speakers and workshops.

Also held each year is the Now Childless Mother's Day brunch. Jim and Ann Cook, who hold this event each year in Ft. Salonga, have offered to give tips on how to start one of these gatherings in hopes that this event will spread throughout the country. Contact them at deut3019@verizon.net for more information.

Serenity Cards and Grief Journals is a project that Patricia Mombourquette is extremely passionate about. It has been over a year in the works from an idea to a reality. The words of comfort, support and practical advice offered in the cards and journals have been drawn from personal grief experiences as well as twelve years of associated training and experience in grief and bereavement support and critical incident stress management (CISM). She has also incorporated several years of experience volunteering with the local Crisis Line and Workplace EAP. Contact Patricia at http://serenitygriefjournals.com .

A Well-known CNN Editor Tells His Story

2010-09-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: A child's death can happen to any parent, famous or not. Here is one touching reaction, solely from Joe Sterling, bereaved father and news editor of the CNN Wire.

Nearly 11 years ago my wife and I entered the world of grief when we lost our teenage son. (He then speaks of the Jewish religious rites of mourning including saying the Kaddish, the mourner's prayer in a synagogue; shive, the mourning period and all it entails; the preparation of food for those who visit; and other rites, including lighting a candle at home that burns all day in his memory. The gravesite will also be visited. These gestures affirmed their appreciation and deepened their understanding of the Jewish faithful.

But eventually the mourning period ended and the crowds of friends and relatives who filled our living room disappeared, and it didn’t take us long to figure out that the funeral and the shiva inoculate you from the real world of the bereaved. After we trudged back to our jobs and began slugging it out in the working world, we began to sense the enormity of our loss, and that’s when the readjustment process began setting in.

The most profound lesson I took from this ordeal is that no one understands the death of a child unless he or she is their own son, daughter or sibling.

Many people have asked us over the years if we’ve gotten “closure.” The answer, of course, is no, never, unless you are a sociopath.

We’ve run into people who have had the nerve to tell us that our boy’s death was part of God’s plan. We’ve encountered impatience from some because we continue to grieve, as if we’re on the clock and there’s a countdown toward normalcy.

But I soon learned not to knock these simple-minded people. I know their lives and thoughts will change when they get a call or a knock on the door with the ultimate bad news.
We’ve been frank with such insensitive people and have been unapologetic for reacting normally to an abnormal situation. It’s a new world with no rules and you do things you never thought about doing before and see things you never once noticed.

When you go through this kind of ordeal, you cry without warning. When I turn a corner at certain streets, recall something nice or read about another death, tears flow.
I sweat in rage when I encounter a loutish teenager or a negligent parent, and I get very sad when I meet a respectful and wonderful young man or woman reminiscent of our son.
Over the years, it’s been hard to stomach people who complain about trivial issues. I wish serial complainers would just shut up and smell the roses – the flowers in question being their children who are alive and well.

I was in such grief at one time that I read material about and explored ideas of an afterlife for the purpose of “contacting” my son. To me, such a quest is a waste of time but I had to carry it through and get it out of my system.

Over the years, though, I’ve worked very hard to not wallow in pain, and learned very quickly not to allow myself to be in uncomfortable situations. For example, if I were watching a film with disturbing imagery, I’d walk out of the theater or click off the pay-per-view. If I were invited to a gathering and something upset me, I would leave.

Nothing will compel us to let the pain get worse. My wife and I haven’t been shy about getting grief counseling, a process that helped us go forward. We’ve learned that honoring our son’s memory with our daily actions and never forgetting him are the most important parts of the coping process.

I’ll never forget the day I came early to pick my boy up at football practice, and to my surprise, he was waiting for me. He told me he and a Muslim kid on the team chose to walk out because a representative from a Christian athletes group was invited to preach to team members. (This was at a public school, by the way.) So many kids would have caved under such pressure and stuck around. But our son–who reveled in the diversity that typifies the cities we lived in and had good friends from every religion, ethnic group and social class–knew who he was and was proud of his identity, so he left the gathering.

The only advice I can give a parent who loses a child is to soldier on. You have no choice. As years go by, pleasant thoughts of the departed will replace the nightmares and the pain. The torment will always be there but it will recede.

Here’s a quote from The New York Times obit of Bob Lemon, the Cleveland Indians pitcher and Yankees manager, about the death of his son in an accident. I’ve never stopped thinking about this remark after I first read it. “I’ve never looked back and regretted anything. I’ve had everything in baseball a man could ask for. I’ve been so fortunate. Outside of my boy getting killed. That really puts it in perspective. So you don’t win the pennant. You don’t win the World Series. Who gives a damn? Twenty years from now, who’ll give a damn?”

“You do the best you can. That’s it.”

A Way To Express What You Are Feeling

2010-09-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Try this 'fill in' exercise as one of the first steps to journaling your feelings after the death of your child. Sit in a quiet place with no distractions so you can bring you child to the front of your mind to answer these phrases, taking as long as you want and writing as much as you'd like. If you feel one doesn't apply to you, skip it. This exercise will give you much to think about, and perhaps start you on the road to journaling. As time moves on, it is interesting to look back and see your reactions at that specific time in your life.

Dear

I miss you because

It's been hard to let go of the pain because

I still feel guilty about

The most joyful time we ever had was

I wish I had told you

I sometimes feel angry that

I continue to feel sad because

On thing that has changed since your death is

What I have learned about loss and grief are

The way I will remember you is

The song that reminds me of our relationship is

The best time we ever had together is

One thing I'd like to tell you if I could talk to you for one more minute is

The last thing I remember is

I want to know

With love,

7 Mistakes When Grieving

2010-09-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

Author of this article, Dr. Lou LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com. Thanks to Dr. LaGrand for this grieving article.

Everyone makes mistakes or fails in their attempts to grow and meet the challenges of daily life. Without these miscues little would be learned and growth as a person would be limited. In short, failure is a key ingredient for success and should be looked at as a resource for moving forward, not a behavior to be despised.

There is one exception to the above observation: when someone makes a mistake, refuses to learn from it, and keeps repeating the same error expecting positive change to occur. This easily happens in the emotional turmoil of mourning the death of a loved one. As a counselor, here are the negative repeats I see most often and what you can do to move past them.

1. Mourners grieve according to the agendas of caregivers. It is not uncommon to be told by well meaning friends or family that "you shouldn't cry so much" or "you should be over it by now." After all, it has been three months since your loved one died and you should be acting like your old self.
In reality, grief is not time bound. Each person's grief is one of a kind. And, grief revisits for months and years later. Go with your gut. Grieve as you see fit. This does not mean you should ignore the input from a wise friend in some instances. Always consider the experience and insight of others. But in the final analysis, make decisions based on what you believe deep within is right for you.

2. Mourners do not accept and grieve secondary or associated losses. All major losses involve secondary losses such as finance, companionship, wise counsel, and inspiration, to name a few. Loss of meaning, future dreams involving the deceased, and losses occurring months or years later (when a child graduates or a grandchild is born and the deceased is not present) are all strong secondary losses for many people. These and numerous other very personal secondary losses need to be openly recognized, faced, and mourned. Here is where a wise friend who is a good listener can be of great assistance.

3. Mourners isolate themselves from others. Grief itself is often a self-isolating process because the big three-anger, guilt, and depression-tend to drive potentially helpful people away, if they do not understand the nature and purpose of these emotions. Once more, the mourner often deliberately avoids contact with others and stays isolated for long periods of time. However, taking action to make connections is an absolute necessity for successful grief work. A social network inevitably is a hope resource; it is our interaction with others that brings glimmers of hope that we will make it through the ordeal.

4. Mourners do nothing about finishing unfinished business. It is very common to look back and wish you had said or done something else for the deceased when he/she was alive. Or, perhaps there was something the deceased had not accomplished or did wrong and you were unable to resolve the issue. Unfinished business is a fact of life that can become a major source for increasing the intensity and length of grief work. You may believe nothing can be done now that death has intervened. Nonetheless, many mourners have written a letter to the deceased or "talked" to the deceased to lay out their feelings and to offer or seek forgiveness. Allow the past to stay in the past. Say what you must say, realize we are all imperfect, and then focus your attention and energy on a plan to answer the important question "Where do I go from here?"

5. Mourners believe that smiling, laughing, or taking a break from grieving by accepting an invitation for dinner with friends, is demeaning to the memory of the deceased ("I should be sad all the time"). Nothing could be further from the truth. No one can grieve nonstop without becoming ill. Everyone needs respite for minutes, or more appropriately, hours. In fact, it is critical that you plan for diversions for the benefit of your body as well as your mind.
Do something that you enjoy that will alter the condition of your emotional life. And, don't feel guilty. Make a list of things you enjoy. This will take some time, given your present frame of mind. But build your list and refer to it every day. Call it your Balancing List. Don't let a day go by without doing something from your list just for you.

6. Mourners refuse to recognize that the death of their loved ones means they have to start a new life. This is a very difficult concept to accept and hard to accomplish. Yet, a part of you has died; that part that interacted with the physical presence of your beloved. Each time you routinely do something where your deceased loved one would have been present, will be a new part of your life. In order to start that new life, one of your tasks of grieving, will be to accept new routines that you alone develop. Acceptance of the new is like the elephant in the room. You can't afford to ignore its importance as a major goal in grieving, since without it you cannot reinvest in life. You will be stuck indefinitely. Over time, those new routines and connections will become habitual and like the old.

7. Mourners seldom are aware that it is nearly impossible to love someone, and when they die, not feel guilty about something in the relationship. Often the guilt has to do with the medical treatment received by the deceased and the survivor's perceived (most often a false perception) lack of action in obtaining better care. Or, there is something else they should have done better or more frequently. Maybe they should have gotten the person to stop smoking. This is commonly called neurotic guilt and has to be tested by asking one simple question: Did I deliberately do what I feel guilty about? The answer is almost always a "no," if they are honest with themselves.

Finally, what is the overall solution to these very common mistakes? One word says it all: persistence. Persistence will pave the way to focusing your attention on the next chapter of your life. When in doubt, take action and do something to challenge the thinking behind the negative thought. You already have the wisdom within to know what has to be done. Good grief is all about good choices, choices you can make.

Thoughts from Another Bereaved Parent

2010-09-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Kay Bevington, founder of Alive Alone for parents who have lost an only child or all their children, wrote and handed out an article at The Compassionate Friends Conference to childless parents that I thought had some noteworthy information for everyone, even though a few areas have been repeated before. With Kay’s permission, I have condensed what she said and combined it with some of my thoughts and comments on my situation (which are in italic type to keep the voices separate) ______________________________________________
Having a child die is the ultimate grief that any parent will ever encounter. Having one’s only child or all children die compounds that ultimate grief to the point of being unthinkable for most people in our society today.

Kay and Rodney’s daughter, Rhonda, died in 1980 at age 16 from Lymphoma. Parents who have lost a child, especially an only child, understand that grief is a life-long journey.

The Now Childless bereaved parents experience a similar grieving process as those with surviving children, but the difference begins when we realize that there will never be grandchildren, no one with whom to celebrate the holidays, no milestones in life and no one to be there for us as we age.

We have difficulty with holidays and special events. Some are fortunate to have friends or extended family members who think to include us in special times or holidays, but some are left to spend all those days and nights totally alone. We learn to do the entertaining, so we are not alone.

Or, in my case, I find it easier to find some new tradition to enhance my holiday, whether it is visiting a retirement home, where I can tell a Marcy story to someone who doesn’t know me or hasn’t heard about Marcy, or helping out serving dinners to the poor to brighten their holiday. We are not the same as we were when our child was alive; therefore, giving our holidays a new twist can help us get past them.

People just do not think to come to our assistance in times of need, as they have children to assist them, and it never occurred to them we could have used some help. I found that to be true when I moved from country living into town and no one offered to help us move. The same thing happened when there was a huge tornado and no one called to see how we were.

We learn to adjust to being childless and make friends with others who have had a similar experience to us. Some of us with no children get together during special holidays or visit each other during the year. There is a special bond/understanding that need not be spoken.

Now childless parents realize that we must plan for our future and see that all financial, medical and business matters are secure and settled long before the time arrives when we will need assistance.

Personally, a new will/ trust and designating what my husband and those close to me will get; new powers of attorney for health, etc. and a foundation in my daughter’s memory helped move me forward and made me comfortable with every aspect of my life and what will happen when I die. I also included a Tangible Property list, which everyone should do for any personal property you want someone special to have like a painting, piece of jewelry or some old books. Leave it with your lawyer.

What do we do with our precious mementos that belonged to our deceased child or ‘things’ that are important to us and our heritage? Usually some of our relatives, friends or children of friends care enough to want some of those ‘things.’ As we age and life’s values change, we begin to realize that those ‘things’ are not what matters anyway. What we do with our life and how we manage to keep our children’s memories alive by helping others are really what is more important than worrying about what is going to happen to our ‘things.’

Both Kay and I have seen families become estranged while fighting over ‘things.’ My relatives sat in the bedroom hours after my mom’s funeral separating all the fine jewelry and deciding who would get what. Only when I walked into the room did the bickering stop, and I was allowed to take what I wanted before they all delved into it again. Some of my friends have spoken about broken relationships over inheritances and who will get what.

We have found that by staying involved in church, community activities, nurturing relationships with other people and working part time, I have been able to keep a positive attitude ‘most’ of the time and find a new type of happiness in life. There are times and events that occur that sometimes make me lose my perspective and I get depressed. But, I can always observe others who seem to have a more difficult time with life events who have not been touched with the grief of having a child die.

We have also learned that it is vitally important to find a local bereavement support group and to attend regularly those first years of grief. It is important to become involved and give back to those who are newer in their grief than we are.

There is a saying that goes: “By helping others, you help yourself.” I completely agree with that. I feel so good when I can help another, through talking to them, directing them to a professional who can help or even suggesting a book for them to read about grief.

I read every book I could find on grief, devoured all the newsletters and listened to tapes until I realized I really was not going crazy and that things I thought, did, forget, or was angry about was very normal for a bereaved parent. I cried oceans of tears, told Rhonda’s story and her personal grief story millions of times to thousands of different people, kept a journal (an invaluable tool of measuring one’s progress), and allowed friends to help me when I needed help.
We started Alive Alone, Inc. in 1988 to be an additional support system for now childless parents. We publish a periodical that is strictly written by and for childless parents. We also network parents whose only child/all children died of a similar age of means of death. In addition we work with other support groups to provide seminars and sharing sessions for their regional and national conferences so that the needs of now childless parents are met.

Coping with the death of one’s only child/all children is the most difficult experience anyone will every encounter. But, it is possible to find a ‘new normal’ and be able to reinvest in life again and find a new form of happiness.

If you are childless or know someone who is, you can reach Kay and get support at alivalon@bright.net.

Finding a Good Support Group

2010-08-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Finding a good support group to tell your story in your time of need can be very helpful during your grief journey and beyond.

There are many different groups out there to help those who have lost a child. The Compassionate Friends www.compassionatefriends.org has over 600 chapters in most states and probably one near you. They also have sibling groups and grandparent groups. Bereaved Parents USA doesn’t have as many chapters, but by going to their website www.bereavedparentsusa.com, you can find out if there are any nearby. If you want a specific support group like AIDS, SIDDS, Stillbirth and cancer groups, these too, are available. Check with hospice, hospitals or funeral homes for additional information.

In any of these groups, you are able to share your story in a non-threatening, safe atmosphere, and you will eventually find healing. Don’t try to confront your grief alone. Reach out to others. As the Compassionate Friends credo says, “You Need Not Walk Alone.”

According to Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D and professional grief counselor, one should look for healthy support groups with the following characteristics:

*group members acknowledge that each person’s grief is unique.
*group members understand that grief is not a disease, but a normal process without a specific timetable. Everyone grieves at their own pace.
*group members feel free to talk in a group setting, but it is okay if they just prefer to listen.
*group members respect each other’s right to confidentiality. The feelings expressed are not made public.
*each group member is allowed equal time to speak; others should not monopolize the entire time nor interrupt when others are speaking.
*group members should not give advice unless it is asked for.
*group members recognize that thoughts and feelings are neither right nor wrong. They listen with empathy to others without trying to change them.

If you can find a group with this type of support, the healing process has begun.

Signs From Our Children

2010-08-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that our children who have died somehow communicate back to us with messages of their continued existence? Through various signs and events many parents believe a child’s spirit lives on forever. Do I believe this is true? I have no reason NOT to believe it.

I have heard of many examples, and who are we to say this can’t be true. I have friends who have gone through the experience. Here are a few examples.

Mitch Carmody, author and bereaved parent, has spoken often of his son to whom he wrote a letter asking for some sign. The letter asked for something to grow in his yard he had not seen before. The following spring three cornstalks grew in his back yard, only one of which had produced an ear of corn. He picked it that fall on the first anniversary of his son’s death. When he peeled back the husk of the ear of corn, he found the cob had rotted and that the mold had formed and stained the back of the husk with the letters D A D. It led him to believe our children are in another realm of existence and can somehow let us know that they are near.

One friend woke up in the middle of the night suddenly, sat up in bed and at the end of the bed saw an image that to this day she says was her daughter who had died the previous year. She says that it only lasted a few seconds, but she knows it was real.

Others speak of butterflies landing on their shoulder at specific opportune times and sitting there for a long time.

A relative visited my daughter’s grave one year right before I had some stomach surgery. On her gravestone is a picture and he says when he looked at it, a halo formed around the top of her head and he heard her say, “Don’t worry, mom will be okay.” When he told me the story a week later, he prefaced it with “I know you’re not going to believe me, but…” I told him, “Of course, I believe you.” I don’t doubt for one second that it can happen. I don’t doubt that our child’s spirit can touch us at any time.

Another friend, who was walking near her home weeks after a death, came across a quarter in the road with the exact birth year of the loved one who died. She took it as a sign. Love survives, and only when we love deeply, do the signs come.

Many bereaved parents go to psychics or gifted people. They want to be told about their child, what is happening to them, how they are and when the psychic can talk to them and/or believes the parents will be able to see and talk to them. I’m skeptic about this, although some parents have had dramatic proof that these people know of the loved ones and can tell parents what they want to hear. Others are disappointed after hearing evidence presented and knowing some of those out there are fakes.

Signs may appear in any shape and form at any time. See if you can recognize them, for if you truly believe that our child’s spirit can touch us, the signs will come. Let me know of your experience.

Windchime Memorials

2010-08-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: I came across this interesting Ezine story about a windchime memorial for your loved one written by Rachel Betzen. Rachel owns and operates the on-line store selling windchimes along with her husband. They are committed to social and environmental responsibility in all their businesses. Perhaps this is something that may be of interest to you.

When we remember loved ones lost and the family and friends most affected, a special memorial can help us honor their lives and soothe the pain of that loss. Memorials for a loved one may include many aspects, but they all have something special that remind us of the person lost. Personalizing a memento allows us to take that special memory and engrave it into something tangible.

When a special memorial engraving is placed beneath a finely crafted windchime, both the imagery and sounds of the instrument make it a powerful symbol of remembrance. For those who have gone before us, a memorial is a celebration of their life. An engraved memento that personalizes our memories on the windplate of chimes, allows us to take the pictures and words that give meaning to our loved one’s like. One family may choose an engraving of a sailboat on the lake, a special gift for a mother whose young daughter had spent many hours on her favorite lake. Another may choose images of trees or mountains to remember someone who loved the outdoors, or a cross as a symbol or the strength the family receives through their faith.

The power of using an engraved wind chime as a memorial tribute, is that a quality windchime invites the listener to pause, take notice, and appreciate the little things in their life that bring reflection. When we do take that pause, the sounds that come into focus are just as important as the images. This is where a hand tuned wind chime makes all the difference between melodious chords and grating metal. High quality hand tuned windchimes are made with different tunings which may also remind us of someone special in our lives.

A medium sized Himalayan tuning reminded one man of his late nephew’s singing voice, a calming sound to his sister’s family. A mother chose a small Stardust windchime to memorialize her young girl and the angels she felt watched over her at the end of her life. Another family decided on a extra-large earthsong windchime, reminiscent of the resounding strength of their son, a veteran whose life was lost overseas.

Memorial windchimes may be hung where we will see them everyday and will provide opportunities to glimpse at the words and images engraved below that keep the memory of our loved one close. Memorial windchimes may also be hung outdoors near the place of someone’s passing, such as by the road where their accident occurred. Wherever they are placed, it is most important that a memorial tribute of a personalized wind chime honor a loved one while giving remaining family and friends a way to pause, remember, and to appreciate the music along the way.

Accepting Other's Beliefs

2010-08-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

“How could God have done this to me?”
“My God is a cruel God or he never would have let this happen?”
“It is my faith that has gotten me through this ordeal.”
“I don’t ever want to hear again, ‘God only takes the good ones.’”

When the death of a child occurs in the family, many experience a faith in God they have never known before. They cling to the belief that they will reunite one day with their loved one. They may also say that because they believe in God, He will ease their suffering. Others look upon God as letting them down by allowing their loved one to die. Still others are confused about God’s place in all this.

We hear the word “God” at a funeral service when a death occurs, in sympathy cards, from friends, relatives and even strangers.

We will find people saying things like, “God made sure that your child did not suffer.” On a personal level I ask, why did my child have to suffer at all; why did this have to happen? I heard this comment from a very compassionate woman friend, who I know meant no harm and only wanted to ease my mind after the car accident that killed my daughter. My friend continued, “Would you have wanted your child to have been incapacitated all her life with you taking care of her? She’s better off being with God.” I thought to myself, what in the world makes her think she would have been in bad shape. A second thought quickly surfaced. I would have wanted her to be alive in any condition, and yes, I would have taken care of her.

I would have preferred my friend simply express her condolences to me, but I knew she was a religious person and her faith sustained her in everything she did. When she found out she had cancer, she was accepting of the fact she did not have long to live and used her remaining time to do what she referred to as God’s work.

Others may say to bereaved parents, “You don’t have to grieve too long; you’ll be with your daughter eventually.” That does not mean that I have to agree with a statement like this. I have a choice. I can get mad, or I can decide this is just an easy answer to something not understandable to many. I have chosen the latter.

An irritating phrase that bereaved parents do not want to hear is “God would want you to forgive,” which someone might say if your loved one is murdered and the offender goes on trial. If you believe that the Higher Being of your faith can handle your anger and rage and take the tears away as they talk about heaven or eternal life, you are entitled to do so. If you do not believe any of that, try to explain your feelings. Everyone is entitled to his or her own beliefs.

In the book No Time for Goodbyes author Janice Harris Lord says, “The role of a Higher Being in what happened to you is your own faith decision. If you believe this was meant to be, that’s fine. If it doesn’t make sense, try to understand that those who say what they do, mean well and are sharing their own faith decision and not trying to hurt you.”

On the other side of the fence, those who were once religious may lose all faith, blaming God for letting this death occur and swear they will never go into a church again. That is an emotional decision and could change with time. Others say that after-death spiritual experiences where their loved ones have communicated with them are emotionally and spiritually healing to them. Finally, others believe that their faith in God sustains them as they endure their suffering.

Some good guidelines to follow during this fragile time in your life:

· Don’t discuss God with religious people who use this as an answer to complex questions. Their faith journey may have been different from yours.

· Find someone who has had an experience similar to yours who also has a meaningful religious faith and ask how their faith is helpful to them, whether you end up agreeing or not.

· Contact a religious counselor who has special training in accepting and dealing with grief.

Be accepting of others and their beliefs, even in your darkest hour, shows progress in your grief journey.

Editor's note: This 'coping' article is one of over 80 in Sandy Fox's new grief book, Creating a New Normal...After the Death of a Child. The book can be purchased through Barnes and Noble.com, Amazon.com, Centering.com, and iUniverse.

Workshop Memories at TCF

2010-08-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is the fourth and final article in a series that talks about some of the 100 different workshops presented at The Compassionate Friends National Conference July 2-4, 2010. I hope by reading some of the descriptions of these workshops plus the ones written about in previous weeks, you will be encouraged to attend the next Compassionate Friends conference July 15-17, 2011, in Minneapolis. Keep in mind some workshops will change next year, while the most popular ones will be retained. No matter; there is something for everyone. The conference is a wonderful experience and one you will never forget. Best of all, it will help you as you continue in your lifelong grief journey.

WHO AM I NOW?

When your child dies, one is immediately and unwillingly thrust into a new life. You may become angry, confused, despondent, untrusting. You are forced to deal with emotions and situations that are completely new to you. Who am I now that I have become childless? I am torn, lost and unavailable to be a grandparent unless my child was older and had children of his/her own. I am no longer able to see a future. I am no longer free to be the parent I had been. I am a prisoner of my own deep and unending pain. BUT, I am the mother or father of a child in heaven. I am a parent with beautiful memories to fill my broken heart. I am the mother or father of a child who was loved and adored. Participants explored these ideas.

LOSING A CHILD TO A DRUG OVERDOSE

Discussion included stigmatization, self-blame, anger, confusion and wondering why the death occurred, accompanied by the more common feelings associated with loss: shock, longing and profound sadness. They also delved into the question of how parents eventually absorb these losses and where they find the most help: in support groups, with counselors, clergy, psychics and Internet support groups.

SUDDEN DEATH

The impact of the sudden, unexpected death of a child of any age, due to accident, murder or undiagnosed medical conditions are explored in this workshop. With no chance to say good-bye, survivors are faced with a range of emotions and factors that can complicate the grieving process. Participants were encouraged to share their personal grief journey.

HEALING THROUGH YOGA

This workshop takes yoga beyond the physical body and brings it into your daily life. The ancient, yet relevant philosophies and practices of yoga encourage a non-judgmental, compassionate, self-inquiry that aids in releasing that which blocks you from connecting with your source energy. Through the use of breath, movement and experiential exercises, you will stay present for your emotions as they arise, experience them fully as they shift and change and learn to trust that it is safe to feel whatever is present. No mater what stage of healing you are in, self-compassion and loving kindness provide you with the tools for healing the wounds that prevent you from experiencing the joys that life has to offer.

MAKING A COMMITMENT TO SURVIVE

Showing you how meaningful and important making the commitment to survive is for grieving individuals and families was the goal of this workshop. One mother lacked the energy, the desire, and the hope to survive the death of her son. She shares how she went from just existing with the grueling task of grief to choosing the unexpected and eventual relief of surviving. Clients of one bereavement counselor have accomplished this daunting task creating a strategy for successful grieving. The commitment to survive is as life-changing as the loss itself; it requires love, determination and fortitude. Participants learned how to work with the love for your child, add in the love for yourself and survive this incredible loss.

SIGNS FROM OUR CHILDREN

No matter when or how our loved one died, there is compelling evidence that supports the belief we can still feel their presence through signs. This notion uphold the theory that somehow our soul survives beyond the physical restraints of the body, that in some way the essence of life, personality, the vitality and energy that we are as human beings somehow survives death. This workshop explored this phenomenon in detail and provided a slide show of extraordinary anecdotal evidence coming in from all over the world.

PROJECTS IN MEMORY OF OUR CHILDREN

This workshop described how we can find creative ways to keep our children close to us by using their clothing or blankets to make special items. Some of the items discussed were the making of a bear from the child’s clothing with a pattern (or you can have carriebears@juno.com do it for you with or without a picture of your child); a memory t-shirt, again with words or both words and a picture of the child; making a quilt from pieces of your child’s clothing; and making purses designed with memories. Also included were an angle pin, bookmark, a sun-catcher and a memory box with your child’s picture on top or inside and what to include in the box.

Bereaved Parents With No Surviving Children

2010-07-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is the 3rd in a series of four that goes over some of the workshops that took place at The Compassionate Friends Conference July 2-4.

I was part of the panel with no surviving children. We each discussed one of the aspects of dealing with the problems that confront us…problems that parents with surviving children do not encounter…and how we have been able to handle each situation.

I was asked to speak on wills, trusts and estates. I explained how, when your only child or all your children die, you must change your will so that your estate, which was originally going to your child, will now go to someone else you care about. Do not leave it up to other family members, or if you don’t have any family left, then up to the state. Designate in your will and/or trust by percentages, who should get what. Cousins, aunts and uncles, siblings, friends and your husband will more than likely be the beneficiaries, but if there is someone in your family you don’t have good feelings about, this is your opportunity to leave them out. Since you don’t know when you will die, leaving a specific amount of money may not work. You don’t know what amounts may be left when you die. That is why I use percentages. It is more efficient.

In addition, I leave a “tangible personal property” list, so that if I want someone to have something specific: a piece of jewelry, a painting, some knick knacks, I know it will go to them, since my trustee or lawyer will take care of that. Leaving something that is written assures both parties that you will get to do what is rightfully yours to do.

Another aspect of not having surviving children that was talked about was what do you do with your children’s belongings? Do you get rid of everything, keep everything and when is the right time to do this? Everyone grieves at their own pace, and there is no right or wrong answer to these questions. For some parents, they can do it immediately; some it will take a longer time; and others will never be able to deal with it or they may ask someone else to do it. Don’t let friends tell you when is the right time, because only you know that answer. It is important not to do anything until you feel ready, or you may regret it later on.

Some parents choose to give some items to their child’s friends (and that is fine), to hospitals (stuffed animals), and to shelters (clothing and bedroom furniture). You may choose to give some jewelry away that belonged to your child, or you may want to keep it all. The same applies to childhood items. One important thing to remember is to store items you want to keep in a place with a good temperature so they aren’t ruined. And most importantly, remember that putting your loved ones things away does not mean putting them out of your life. Your child will always remain a part of you.

Has your marriage changed? Are you and your husband still close? Do you talk about your child? Is the communication good? These are important questions to ask yourself. If you believe your marriage is worth working on, talking and communicating will do much to help your marriage survive. One panel member spoke about her stepchildren and how she got along with one and not the other, no matter how hard she tried. I related how well I get along with my husband’s daughter, even though every time I see her I think of the daughter I lost. That, I believe, is quite normal. The audience had much to say related to stepchildren and how they handle them.

Other topics discussed dealt with support or lack of it from family/friends; how do we get through the holidays with no children; how do we handle significant events in our lives such as graduations, weddings and baby showers; and how our goals in life have changed since our children died. Questions from the audience completed the session, but we could have used another hour to discuss all our concerns. Getting these topics out in the open at a TCF conference can help parents deal with these and other issues.

Preserving Photos of Your Child

2010-07-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: This is the second in a series on some of the interesting workshops held at the National Compassionate Friends Conference July 2-4

Preserving photos and using them in remembrance of your child was another great session at the conference.

Kelly Hoffman shared her personal experience and explained why she finds printed photos and digital photos/books so special.

After the death of her daughter, she wanted to capture all of the special memories and tell the stories behind the photos. Initially, she feared not being able to remember all of the silly, simple, funny and happy times with her, and wanted to put the stories down and document her life. This also gave her something to do with her hands and keep her head busy.

“There is just nothing like having a photo, a scrapbook or a digital photo book to hold in your hand,” said Kelly. “To many, it is not the same as looking at images on the computer and it has become my passion to help others get their photos off the computer and camera and celebrate them.”

Put them on a wall, on your coffee table, in a book or a digital photo book. The process is individual, depending on the person’s goal and desire. If you like scrapbooking, you will be able to create something special with your artistic talents as well as your photos.

Two other ideas for photo uses…

One mother uses pictures in a collage made by a local hospital for an annual remembrance of children no longer with us. Her only son died in October 2006.

“We participate in this event because it helps us to know others who have lost children and allows us to share memories,” said Kenny and Summer Moore. One photo is of her son kissing a dolphin at a Make-a-Wish trip to Orlando. Others were taken with his mother and the father at fun vacation spots. Still another was his 8th grade graduation and one showing off his airbrushed shark tattoo Many of these photos reflect highlights of her child’s life and they shared them all this month in the Alive Alone bereavement newsletter.

As for myself, I have done many photo albums of my daughter and look at them often. Most people don’t want to have to look at photo albums, but will be willing to watch a three-minute slide show with music of my child, highlighting all the special moments and events in pictures. It is rewarding for me to show how proud I am of my daughter and her accomplishments, and I want others to understand who she is and always will be.

We all need to do what is most comfortable for us individually. We will never forget our children, nor should we. Photos keep memories alive in our minds and in our hearts.

Drawing Your Child

2010-07-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

In my next four blogs, I’m going to go over some great ideas I got at some of the workshops given at the Compassionate Friends Conference July 2-4. My first idea deals with doing a freehand pencil drawing of your child to always treasure.

Let me emphasize you do not have to be artistic to do this. The finished product will definitely be an unbelievable likeness that you can show to others and/or display in your home.

Make an 8 x 10 Xerox copy of a picture of your child’s face. (You can also do a 5 x 7 Xerox.) Do a one inch square grid in pencil over the copy of the 8 x 10 or a ½ inch grid over the 5 x 7. Then take a clean piece of paper, make an 8 x 10 or 5 x 7 box and start copying wherever you want on a clean sheet of paper. Inch by inch, square by square, you are copying a particular feature of the face that is in that one inch square grid. It is such a small space you are working with, that it will be easy to follow the lines and shadowing.

When you get to the eyes, nose and mouth, you might want to take two 1 inch squares and do together, if easier to make a smoother transition. Or you can still continue with the 1 inch at a time. The teacher was always there to help the parents who became a little frustrated, but mostly she traveled the room and encouraged everyone to keep going, knowing it would turn out well. This is a technique that dates back to the Egyptians and is an excellent way to draw a likeness of a picture.

“Drawing and painting my daughter after she died made me feel like I was still with her,” said Jeneane Lunn, teacher of the class. “When you draw something, you are able to see it more clearly. Participants are both surprised and pleased with how well they turn out.”

As I walked around the packed room of almost 100 people, each parent was very immersed in what they were doing and trying to be very precise. It felt almost like an important goal they were aiming for to honor their child, and I was simply amazed at the likeness of the actual picture and the drawing each participant made. At the end of the session, you could see these smiling parents proudly sharing their work with others in the room and amazed at how well the drawings turned out.

No matter what the results, you will appreciate the time you get to spend drawing your child and the way it will make you feel closer to him/her.

TCF 2010 Conference

2010-07-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

“We extend our hands in friendship and our hearts in understanding; you need not walk alone,” says Pat Loder, executive director of The Compassionate Friends. So began the 33rd national conference in Washington, D.C. on July 1 and ending today.

It was four days of sharing the grief of losing a child at any age for any reason. There are so many stories, so many heartbreaks. You learn that the grief journey is long and never-ending but that you will survive and one day smile and laugh again. There is no easy path to do this, but being with others who understand what you are going through can help ease your burden.

This was the goal of the conference with over 100 workshops for parents, grandparents and siblings. Participants had a wide variety of activities from which to choose including sharing sessions, keynote speakers, entertainment (featuring singers and the political satire group performing Capitol Steps), and the annual Walk to Remember through downtown streets. In addition, they could browse the bookstore for bereavement materials, purchase mementos from the Butterfly Boutique, look and bid on silent auction and raffle items and even take some time to stretch with the early Saturday morning Yoga session.

The first keynote speaker on July 1 was Gordon Smith, two-term U.S. Senator from Oregon, whose son battled bipolar disorder and depression until his decision to end his life at age 22. He then successfully introduced and saw enacted an act authorizing $82 million for suicide prevention and awareness programs at colleges. The following day Maria Housden, whose 2-year-old daughter was found to have cancer and died at three, travels the world, lectures and leads grief and writing workshops and retreats. Her book Hannah’s Gift is being made into a full-length feature film. Catherine Read, whose stepdaughter was killed in the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007 spoke on the third day. She and her husband have focused on finding hope for victims of violent crimes. At the closing ceremony Helen Fitzgerald, whose daughter died from cancer, spoke. In addition to writing three books and many manuals for Hospice, she is very involved with mental health and grief programs.

Hour long workshops dealt with such topics as suicide, organ donation, mental illness, multiple losses, how children grieve, now childless issues, death of the troubled child, humor and grief, signs from our children, surviving the first year, spiritual grief, coping with anger, long term illness, sudden death, healthy and unhealthy grief, journaling, single parent issues, death by overdose, and finding hope again. These are just a few of the many workshops participants could choose to attend. Each year I try to participate and give a workshop. This year I was on a panel dealing with childless issues.

One of the best parts of these yearly conferences is meeting people who have similar experiences to yours, people who will give you that hug or squeeze your hand to let you know they understand and want to be your friend. Nothing is held back. You can cry if you feel like it and not be embarrassed; everyone understands you hurt. Others will try to talk to you or help with a problem you’ve encountered. You can laugh and not feel guilty for having good feelings and enjoying yourself. You can be with others at times or, if necessary, alone at times. Whatever works for you is what is important. Best of all is returning each year and renewing those friendships you've made.

I have attended many of the yearly TCF conferences and always wish I can get others to go also. Each year the conferences are held in different parts of the U.S. Next summer, it will be in Minneapolis in July. Perhaps you can try to get there. It will definitely be worth your while to see and participate in one yourself. Contact www.compassionatefriends.org and look for information on next year’s plans in September 2010.

Dehydration During Grief Can Cause Problems

2010-06-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

Unrecognized chronic dehydration is a condition affecting a good majority of people who are grieving.

According to Dr. Lou LaGrand, grief counselor and author of eight books, this is a hidden condition occurring in non-mourners and mourners alike at any age and plays a major role in your health. From this condition you can develop headaches, confusion, stomachaches, sluggishness, dizziness and falling. Grieving exacerbates dehydration due to the emotional swamp that has to be navigated.

“Daily water consumption is an essential part of self-care and a critical coping technique when mourning a death,” he said. “Grief work is highly stressful demanding great energy and endurance. Water will help in reducing the physical pain of grief and in supporting brain maintenance.”

Dr. LaGrand in this ezine article lists what you should know about daily water consumption and dehydration while grieving.

1. Drink water at specific times before you get to the “I’m thirsty” stage.
How much water should you drink? At least 40 ounces per day. That is equivalent to five 8-ounce glasses.

2. Before each meal drink 8 ounces. It is good for your kidneys. After each meal drink another 8 ounces. Already you have taken in six of the eight glasses. Two other glasses during the day is attainable. You will know if you are drinking enough water if your urine is clear or lightly colored, not dark.

3. You must eat. One reason is that you need to keep your electrolytes normal. Thesee are substances like sodium, potassium, chloride, calcium and magnesium. If you do not, you could have blood pressure problems and confused thinking. Just drinking water (not sports drinks or sodas) will not give you those minerals. Veggies, fruits and nuts help and at a time when you don’t feel like eating a whole meal, this will suffice.

4. Developing new routines such as drinking enough water and creating a new normal (the title of my new book that came out this month dealing with coping techniques and strategies) will help you immensely during your grief period to stay healthy, reduce the physical pain associated with grief and give you the energy you need to deal with whatever you must face to move on with your life.

NOTE: Next week I will report on the National Compassionate Friends Conference I will be attending and speaking at July 2-4 in Washington, D.C. I hope to see some of you there; please come up and introduce yourselves. I'd love to meet you.

New Book Is Available!

2010-06-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

I just received the exciting news that my new book is completed and has gone “live.” That means all the bookstores like Barnes and Noble.com, Amazon.com, iUniverse.com, and many others have it available for purchase. The book is a series of articles on general coping strategies, coping with special days of the year, informational techniques to use to cope, my personal coping strategies, ten inspirational stories from other bereaved parents, book recommendations and resources from general bereavement support groups to web sites and chat rooms.

It is full of ideas for bereaved parents to use, to pass along to others and most importantly, a guide for other family members, friends and therapists. For example, there are articles on dealing with anger, commonalities between bereaved parents, recognizing guilt, how women and men grieve, dealing with pain and suffering, inappropriate responses to bereaved parents, accepting other’s beliefs during grief, getting through the holidays, finding organizations for volunteering, inspirational music for the bereaved and many, many more ideas. I hope all of you reading this blog will get a copy, and see if it can be of help to you too.

Coincidentally, Marcy’s husband, who survived the car accident, has also written a book recently about his 16-year journey from near death to full recovery. I read it, and it is a riveting account of what he has gone through to become whole again. It is called Rise and Shine, by Simon Lewis, and I would recommend it to anyone who has had to deal with the medical profession, insurance companies, cutting-edge medical technologies and treatments to restore one’s health. It is an inspiring story tracing the neuro-rehabilitation he endures in search of the full recovery of his mind and the struggles and decisions one must face during the recovery period. I sent him an email telling him how much I enjoyed it but have not heard back from him.

I also want to thank all of you who have written me lovely notes about my writings through the years, and I hope you will continue to keep in touch with me and/or comment on any of the blogs I write each week.

Tribute to a Friend

2010-06-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

Today's writing I dedicate to a friend who died recently. She was a special friend, and a loving, caring mother, grandmother and wife. She was also a good teacher, always concerned about her students and their lives, always helpful where she could be. Most importantly to me, she knew my daughter, Marcy, for most of her life.

She and I knew each other for over 35 years. We met when she began teaching at the same school that I was teaching, and she stayed for even longer than I did. After I retired, she continued to substitute teach until a few weeks before she died, even in the face of illness and pulling a needed oxygen tank behind her all the time. She didn't care what anyone thought; she loved those kids and they her. They found her easy to talk to about any problem they had, whether it was with school, friends or family, and many times used endearing terms such as "Aunt" or "Mama" before her name. She was concerned and cared about each and every one of them in addition to being a good teacher.

Her children and Marcy grew up together. One of her sons was the same age as Marcy, and they belonged to the same organizations, went to religious school together, knew the same people. She followed Marcy's activities and life, always complimenting me very sincerely on an award she won, her engagement, her marriage.

When Marcy died she took it very hard and was always kind enough to mention her when appropriate and empathize when appropriate. She had no trouble bringing up her name and referring to events long past, as so many others seem to have trouble doing. I appreciated that more than I can say. I find it hard to think of her as no longer here, even though she lived a long, productive life. I can see her face at places I go and at activities I know she participated in, and I can't help but smile when thinking of her.

It is no different with my daughter. I always imagine seeing her in crowds and think of what a great time she would have had at various events. I think of what her life would have been like with her husband, with children, with friends, with family and with a great career.

The death of a friend is very sad and our child's death unthinkable, but we have memories that will always be with us, fond memories that we are able to recall at any given moment. The memories will always remain deep within us. We can look back at these memories and know our lives were blessed and enriched for having known and loved them. As for my friend, I will always think of her with very fond memories.

Summer Vacations

2010-06-06T08:36:00.000-07:00

Time to think about your summer vacation time. As bereaved parents, we almost dread it. All we can think of are the wonderful vacations we had when our child was alive. Now we wonder if we can face going anywhere without them. What are some things we can do to make our new normal more enjoyable this summer?

Ask family members if they have any special places they’d like to go this summer. You may be surprised at their answers, which may include something their sibling, who is no longer here, may have always talked about doing or something they think will make you, as a parent, feel better. Don’t discount that children, at times of stress, can come up with good solutions.

You might want to think of a place that you and your family have never been or something you’ve never done that you always wanted to do like going on a cruise. Share that with your family and get their reaction. On a new location, you will not have to recall any old memories of years past and even though you will still think of how much your child would have liked this also, it is part of your new beginnings.

Your spouse may also have good suggestions for a vacation. Listen closely to what he/she has to say. Where you might have thought originally his idea would definitely not work for you, spouses may have a good point and thought it through more clearly than you at this time in your life.

Visit family and friends who live far away. Know that they will avoid talking about your child who died, so you will need to make it comfortable for them to do so by just telling them you’d like to hear some stories from days gone by. Sharing memories is very helpful for the grieving process and will put your family and friends at ease.

Don’t plan too much during your vacation. Being overtired and irritable will not be fun for you or your family, and going, going and doing, doing, will not help you forget. You will never forget your loss, so try to take care of yourself when traveling to stay in a good frame of mind for everyone else also.

To relax during your trip take some books or games for both solitary relaxing and family fun with monopoly, scrabble or Clue board games. Leave the computer behind as well as your usual busy activities and enjoy the moment. In our grief journey, we need to clear our heads to think rationally and these activities can help.

I’m not saying you should never think of the child you lost during your vacation, but try to think of good memories. Remember how much your child loved some of the activities you did together and know that he/she would want you to continue to enjoy your life because you know the child will always be in your heart and mind and never forgotten.

Hospice Care Professionals

2010-05-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

If you have ever been involved with or heard of HOSPICE, you probably know it is a fantastic concept of caring for individuals by health professionals and volunteers for those near the end of life. Hospice gives medical, psychological and spiritual support. The goal is to help people who are dying have peace, comfort and dignity. They also help in the bereavement process for individuals and families after the loved one dies.

There are many misconceptions about what hospice can do for you, so here are some facts. Hospice care can take place at home, at a hospice center, in a hospital or in a skilled nursing facility. The care is provided to patients who have a limited life expectancy. Volunteers can come to your home and visit with the patient, help with daily chores like shaving and bathing and they can keep the patient company. Therapists, clergy, and counselors can come by to help also. Professional medical care by doctors, nurses and home health aides is given and sophisticated symptom relief provided. The patient and family are both included in the care plan and emotional, spiritual and practical support is given based on the patient’s wishes and family’s needs. The goal of the hospice team is to be sensitive and responsive to the special requirements of each individual and family. They emphasize palliative rather than curative treatment; quality rather than quantity of life, allowing the dying to be comforted.

I do know many who have had experiences with hospice and all of them were pleased with the care received and the caring atmosphere all around them. Keep in mind that the quantity and quality of all services can vary significantly from one hospice to another. To find the best hospice for your personal needs, ask your doctor, clergy, social workers or friends who have received care for a family member.

Hospice coverage is widely available. Check with your employer or health insurance provider. For older individuals Medicare and Medicaid provide hospice care. If you are not covered, some hospices will provide for anyone who cannot pay, using money raised from the community or from memorial or foundation gifts.

Finding a hospice program that meets your needs may take some research, but it will be worth your while to spend the time. You need to consider quality of care, availability of neded services, personnel training and expertise and coverage. Your community may have information and referral services available through the American Cancer Society, United Way, Visiting Nurse Association or your place of worship. Sometimes just looking in the yellow pages or going to google is helpful.

Once the patient has died, many families need help to get through their grief journey and their services provide that also by continuing their contact and support for at least a year following the death of a loved one. Many hospices also sponsor bereavement groups and support for anyone in the community and grief groups are very helpful whether a child or adult.

No amount of knowledge can prepare us for bereavement. Grief is the most intense and enduring emotion we can experience. There are no quick fixes, no short-cuts. An ancient African saying says, “There is no way out of the desert except through it.” Knowledge of the grief process gives us a very generalized map of the terrain we have to cover. Each of us will take a different route. Each will choose his own landmarks. Each will travel at his own unique speed and will navigate using the tools provided by his culture, experience and faith. In the end, he will be forever changed by his journey.

What Sayings May Mean To You

2010-05-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

This week I’ve thought about three quotes I believe have lots of meaning dealing with children, their life and their death. After each quote I tell you how I relate that quote to my life and the life and death of my daughter. See if you can do the same. It’s part of letting go and knowing we did what we could as parents and should be proud of that.

A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child. Forest E. Witcraft

My child was brought up with a good background, filled with parents who loved her, and given everything she wanted and needed. She grew into a fine human being and was beginning to make a difference in the world because of who she was. For example, she loved helping people with their problems (maybe because her life was problem free) and was always available to her friends and family. Although her life was cut short when she was killed in an automobile accident, I can only wonder what she would have accomplished given the chance to make this world a better place. I was so proud of her, and she, in turn, loved us and knew how to love others. Her upbringing, my advice, always making time to talk to her and her own keen sense of knowing who she was, were key factors in her accomplishments.

The best thing to spend on our children is our time. Louise Hart

We must make time for our children. We must choose in life what is important to us and what is not. My child was important and teaching her right from wrong, instilling good morals and always being there when she needed me, helped her to develop and grow. I was a very busy person when my daughter was growing up and there were times I could not be there for her. I constantly worried and felt guilty about that time and how it could be detrimental in her upbringing. I was wrong. Putting her in a nursery school setting so I could go back to school to earn my master’s degree turned out to be the best for both of us. She learned to depend on others, she learned communications skills and she learned to adapt to other children. But it made the time we were together very precious and kept us always close. My daughter turned out to be my best friend when she was a teen and older, and I realize that even though I couldn’t spend every second with her, I did bring up a fine human being.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow,
yet we forget that he is someone today. Stacia Tauscher

I tried very hard not to push what I wanted on my child. I remember that I was so excited when she went to my alma mater. She could be in my sorority because she was a legacy. When she called to tell me that she chose not to be in any sorority, it took me a long time to understand it was her choice to make and not mine. She fared very well in college despite my worries she wouldn’t meet anyone if she didn’t join a sorority. Her dad always wanted her to be an accountant like himself, but that was not in her plans. She was a communication’s person and all on her own got a terrific job as a marketing director for the L.A. Music Center. If you are lucky enough to still have children growing up, set them free and let them fly on their own. I am confident they will find their way.

How to Choose Sympathy/Funeral Flowers

2010-05-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

Flowers can be comforting for those suffering a loss. They are appreciated by most. But knowing what type of flower or plant to get for funerals and how to care for them is usually left up to a florist's knowledge. Barbara Jackson is a world renowned, highly equalified professional florist in Oldham, Manchester, UK, and has dealt with many who have had needed flowers for both happy and sad occasions. She realizes most need help in chosing what is right to give. She relates in this article that appeared on Ezine Magazine on the internet, what many need to know about one aspect: purchasing funeral flowers. Thanks, Barbara.
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A funeral is a very, very sad time for most families and as such care should be taken in purchasing any funeral flowers. Funeral flowers are the perfect way to share your grief with the bereaved.

There are many different types of funeral arrangements, and you must bear in mind that different cultures sometimes may view funeral flowers in a different light to yourself. It would be a good idea to talk to the bereaved or someone close who understands their needs or culture to make sure you get it just right or you could talk to a professional funeral florist who know how to deal with this very sensitive issue.

Sympathy Flowers
There is a wide variety of sympathy flowers you could send, you would send these as a friend or colleague to the family as a token of your shared grief and the flowers are usually kept at the home after the funeral to provide comfort for quite a few days after. These can include such things as; small vases simply designed, hand tied bouquets, cello wrapped bouquets or a rose plant perhaps.

Funeral Flowers
Funeral Flowers are different than Sympathy Flowers as they generally go with the funeral to the church or crematorium and again can be delivered to the house or to the funeral directors to place on the grave. You would need to check this with the family or ask a professional funeral florist whom you would like to commission to create the flowers for you.

These can be sent from family members, friends and colleagues and should be in the form of a sheaf (flowers wrapped in celephane and hand-held) at the budget end through to posies, open spray, casket spray, wreaths, tied sheafs, love hearts, pillows, cushions, wording in flowers, designer pieces such as trucks, bikes, or anything that can take your imagination. The latter tend to the most expensive but are usually quite large and stunning!

For both Sympathy and Funeral flowers, if you know what the deceased favorite flowers were, it might be a very touching gesture to send those types of flowers as it will help to comfort the family to no end and help to share their grief which will be much appreciated.

When to Order
You really need to order the flowers, either Sympathy or Funeral as soon as you know the funeral date. This gives the florist lots of time to create your stunning bouquet, arrangement or wreath etc. The flowers should be delivered at least two hours before the time of the funeral. Most professional florists are extremely good at dealing with funerals and will have answers to all your questions and will be able to advise accordingly.

Tip
Don't try to do this yourself as the last thing you want is for things to not be quite right or worse, they arrive at the wrong time at the wrong place. Put your trust in the professionals; they know what they are doing.

AfterCare of the Funeral Flowers
If the flowers are to be kept at home following the funeral here are some tips to help them last... The only flowers really that are taken home or kept at home after the funeral would be the sheaf or potted plant. We will deal with the sheaf first.

AfterCare of The Sheaf
Unpack the flowers from the cello wrapping and cut the stems on an angle about 15mm up from the bottom. This will help the flower to take in water as over time if left, the flower stem will seal itself and prevent the intake of water. Arrange the flowers in a nice vase.

AfterCare of The Potted Plant
These are relatively easy to look after. All you really have to remember is to keep away from any heat and check the water regularly. The best way to see if a plant needs water is to push your finger into the soil up to the first knuckle joint and if this feels moist the plant doesn't need watering. You can overwater plants and some drink more than others, so check regularly.
Again ,if you are not sure about aftercare, consult with your professional florist.

Ideas To Help You Through Mother's Day

2010-05-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

Today is my 16th Mother’s Day without my daughter. On the one hand, it’s hard to believe that so much time has passed since her death. On the other hand, it seems like just yesterday. I stare at her pictures around the house and wonder what she would look like now. This year she would have been 44-years-old. It’s so hard to believe all that has happened since that day.

Over the years I have had Mother’s Day with family members and sometimes with kind friends who understand how I feel on this worst of all days in the year. Most years I just try to ignore the day and hope it will pass fast. This year my daughter’s best friend, who I am very close to, invited us to brunch with her children, my godchildren. That will be very nice, I’m sure, but the fact that I won’t get a mother’s day card from my daughter, who never forgot, will still haunt me. I hope all of you were not like me and got rid of most of those cards after the event. I do have a few, thank goodness, and I treasure them. They were always very cute, not serious sentimental ones, which was just fine with me and seemed to suit her personality as well as mine.

I just read an article by Paula Funk of Petoskey MI who talks about what it was like for her those first few years after her daughter died. She then offers some suggestions from those who have been there to help others through this time. Thanks, Paula.

**Realize this day is full of potential for a multitude of feelings to sneak up on you and catch you by surprise.

**Do whatever works for you. Trying to please everyone else can cause undo stress.

**If you have surviving children who want to honor you, communicate your feelings to them. Let them know that while you are grieving the death of their brother or sister, you still love them.

**Try to keep things simple.

**Visit the cemetery.

**You may choose to pretend the day just does not exist and do something completely unrelated to Mother’s Day: clean, get out of town, go shoping.

**Have a good cry.

Know that the days before the holiday may be worse than the actual day. As with all holidays, be reassured that what you do this year does not have to be what you have done before or will do again. As with all things, the intensity of our feelings will soften over time. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself on this special day.

Mother's Day and Beyond

2010-05-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

A couple of upcoming Mother's Day celebrations next Sunday if you live in the areas mentioned...

The first annual Now Childless Mother’s Day Lunch at Front Royal, VA, will be held on May 9, 2010 from 12 p.m. at the Virginia Hills Church, 37 Rockland Road in Front Roal. Spouses are also welcome. RSVP to 540-635 -6480 or email tatteredjourney@gmail.com. You are welcome to attend church services prior at 11 a.m. For directions, call or email.

The fifth annual Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch is on Sunday, May 9, 2010 at the home of Ann and Jim Cook in Northport on Long Island, NY. Spouses are also welcome. Last year they had 36 parents join them.

“It’s good that parents feel comfortable enough to join us but it is sad that there have to be so many of us that are now childless,” said Ann. “Being together gives us comfort and camaraderie. Unfortunately, we really do know what it feels like not to have any surviving children.”

If interested in attending, email Ann and Jim at deut3019@verizon.net and put Childless Mother’s Day Brunch in the subject box or call them at 631-754-9141.

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Cherishing Our Child’s Memory

by Sandy Fox

I hope we all cherish the memory of our child no longer with us.
I hope there is no guilt, no “what if’s”, no anger left.
There will always be pain; there will always be sorrow.
There will always be good days and bad days.
I hope you are strong enough to move on.
To see that there is hope,
That there are good memories
To help us survive this devastation

I remember so much. My life was so full.
My dreams were coming true right before my eyes.
My child was beautiful, brilliant and would go far in this world.
This world needed someone like her to mend the fences,
To lend a helping hand to friends,
And to give all the love within her to those who needed it most.

Yes, she would have done all that and more,
She would have reached for the sky and beyond, daring to cross the bridge,
challenging others to follow,
And when all was said and done, simply smile and nod her head.

She cared to make this world a better place and now I care in her place.
I have to do what she can no longer do.
I find it very difficult, but I work at it.
I strive every day to honor my child by doing the best I can for others.
And in the process, I find it helps me also
To continue living each day with meaning and with hope.

Essential Oils Help in Recovery

2010-04-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note:
I found this Ezine article by Linda Smith, director of the Institute of Spiritual Healing & Aromatherapy, about using essential oils in grief recovery to be quite interesting and thought I would pass it on to you. Thanks, Linda.

Grief and sorrow are part of the human condition-we all get to have this experience more than once in our life time. As we have learned, there are stages that we go through in working through grief and sorrow to a place of acceptance and eventually to moving beyond our grief to living our life once again. Essential oils can help in that process and ease the burden.

What Oils Are Helpful?

Bergamot-(Citrus bergamia)- the medical properties of this oil are calming. Bergamot offers hormonal support and is antidepressant. The citrus fragrance relieves anxiety and has mood lifting qualities. It can be used for agitation, depression, and insomnia. It can be diffused or directly inhaled. Be careful to avoid applying to skin that will be exposed to sunlight or UV light within 36 hours since bergamot is phototoxic to the skin.

Roman Chamomile--(Chamaemelum nobile)-the medical properties of this wonderful oil include being relaxing, antispasmodic, anti-inflammatory , and it detoxifies blood and liver. It can be used for relieving restlessness, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and skin conditions such as dermatitis. The fragrance may also dispel anger, stabilize the emotions, and help release emotions linked to the past. You can diffuse it or inhale directly as well as apply it directly to the skin. This is a very safe oil and is often used with small children and the frail elderly.

Juniper--(Juniperus osteosperma)- This is a universal oil that is a digestive cleanser/stimulant, increases circulation through the kidneys and promotes excretion of toxins, and is detoxifying. The fragrance evokes feeling of health, love, and peace and may help elevate one's spiritual awareness. You can directly inhale or diffuse this oil as well as apply it directly to the skin or dilute it with a good carrier oil.

Lavender-- (Lavandula angustafolia)- the medical properties of this universal healing oil include being analgesic, relaxing, and anti-inflammatory. It is very effective for insomnia and nervous tension. Lavender balances both physically and emotionally and has been shown to dramatically improve concentration and mental acuity. You can directly inhale or diffuse this oil and apply it undiluted on the skin or diluted for a massage. Be sure you are using therapeutic essential grade Lavender, it is often extended with hybrid lavender or synthetic linalool and linalyl acetate which are two key constituents of the oil.

What About Some Known Essential Oil Blends-Which Ones Help in Grief and Sorrow?

Valor-balances energies to instill courage, confidence, and self esteem. I have found this blend helpful in realigning both balance and alignment in the body. Ingredients are rosewood, blue tansy, frankincense and spruce in a sweet almond oil carrier.

Release -this blend helps release anger and memory trauma from the liver in order to create an emotional well being. Letting go of negative emotions and frustrations enables one to progress in a positive way. The ingredients are ylang ylang, lavandin, geranium, sandalwood , and blue tansy in a carrier oil of organic olive oil.

Harmony-promotes physical and emotional healing by creating a harmonic balance for the energy centers of the body. This blend is one I personally use every single day. It brings us into harmony with all things, people and cycles of life. It is beneficial in reducing stress and amplifying well-being. It combats feelings of discord and is uplifting and elevating to the mind thus creating a positive attitude.
Forgiveness -this is a favorite oil requested by my students in my courses on emotional release work (ERT or Emotional Release Therapy) with essential oils. It helps one to release hurt feelings, insults, and negative emotions. It contains rose, melissa, helichrysum, angelica, frankincense, sandalwood, lavender, bergamot, geranium, jasmine, lemon, palmarosa, Roman chamomile, rosewood and ylang ylang.

Gratitude -another favorite oil which for me is very grounding. It elevates, soothes and brings relief to the body while helping to foster a grateful attitude. It contains Idaho balsam fir, frankincense, myrrh, galbanum, ylang ylang and rosewood.

Present Time -as the name indicates, this oil helps to create a feeling of being in the moment. In grief and sorrow there is often the problem of living in the past with difficulty moving into the present or future. This blend contains neroli, ylang ylang and spruce.

Having Good Memories of Your Child

2010-04-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

I have a suggestion for all bereaved parents to call up positive memories of your child.

First you need to find a quiet place in your home with no distractions, sit in a comfortable chair and with pen and paper or on your computer, jot down a few phrases of every good memory you can think of related to your child. Make the memory phrases just long enough so it is clear in your mind. You may end up with 25, 50, or even over 100. They can be in any order of age. You can rearrange later. Make sure they are labeled. They can be labeled by year, by events, by honors, by family gatherings, by humor, or by whatever you’d like.

It may be difficult at first to think of many things because you are consumed by the child’s death, but as time moves forward, many of the memories will return as your mind begins to focus once again.

Go back over these memories and select 10 of them. For each of these 10, write as much as you can remember about the memory. In other words, tell a story. Use these 10 memories when appropriate or relate the story to friends or family members that may live out of town and were not an everyday presence in your child’s life. One of the best places to talk about these memories is at family dinners or holiday events where others may reminisce as well about their children.

When you have gone through these 10 memories with everyone suitable to hear them, put them aside and start on another 10. Repeat these stories to others and so on, so that you always have stories and reasons to talk about your child. You can always come back to many of them, depending on the situation. For example, a story I remember about my daughter I like to talk about relates to when she was in a beauty contest at 4-years-old and was finally called to the stage to be interviewed. Her personality really shinned when she had the whole audience in hysterics as she demonstrated very dramatically with stories and expressions what it was like waiting back stage for hours.

Typically, people will be afraid to bring up your child’s name for fear it will hurt you and make you sad. I think just the opposite happens for me. When someone brings up my child’s name and asks a question, I am so happy to talk about her, and in turn, that shows others they do not have to be afraid that you will be upset. What makes me upset is when others ignore the fact that I even had a child!

Keep these memories in a file so you don’t lose them. However, don’t dwell on them or focus exclusively on them and ignore the present. That is not healthy. These memories will always be fun to look back on years later when the pain is less severe and the memories begin to fade. These are the types of memories you always want to reinforce in your heart and mind because we will never, nor do we want to, forget our children.

Precious Conversations in Grieving

2010-04-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

Editor's note: When speaking to my friend Sandra Howlett, grief educator and facilitator in the Phoenix, AZ, area, she explained the concept of "precious conversations" to me in relationship to journaling your grief, and I found it very interesting. I'd like to share with you what she told me. Perhaps you can find a specialist in your area who does this type of journaling that might be of help to you.

"One of the most painful parts of grief is the sense of absolute separation from loved ones. Parents often carry unwarranted guilt and regret causing them additional agony on top of their near unbearable sadness. Most people yearn for the opportunity to reach out to their children for at least one more conversation. Many grief stricken parents visit psychics and mediums in an effort to connect with their children or other loved ones who have died. While this may be helpful, it is sometimes impractical, expensive and holds the potential for manipulation and fraud."

Precious Conversations is an experiential session that taps into the inner wisdom of the individual to facilitate a written dialogue between participants and anyone they choose, living or dead. The methodology is Jungian based and patterned on the work of the late Dr. Ira Progoff, founder and author of At a Journal Workshop. I've been using this method for over 15 years and have had extensive experience in Progoffian journaling techniques. I incorporate dialogue journaling in bereavement support groups as well as 1 to 1 work with clients.

It is a safe, simple process that opens hearts and offers comfort and reassurance. Its objectives are to create a list of life steppingstones, suspend logic and judgment to explore the process of dialogue journaling and to write dialogue conversations with loved ones.

Dr. Howletts' workshops and support groups are arenas of authenticity, experience and insight. She believes that grief is a natural response to loss and that healing is a journey. She is a life long journaler and committed to helping others explore and heal. She has over 15 year’s personal experience and advanced training in dialogue journaling.

Mistaking Sadness for Depression

2010-04-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

Don’t mistake sadness for depression after the death of a child. Many of the symptoms are similar, but depression is a disease and requires treatment and supervision according to Dr. Robert Thompson, family practitioner, bereaved father, and author of Remembering the Death of a Child.

“That is an important distinction,” he said. “Sadness over the death of a loved one is not a disease. The sad person is usually sad about a particular event, in this case the death of a child. But sad people are also capable of feeling joy and empathy as well as sadness. The depressed person is very limited in their emotional responses. They feel so bad so much of the time that they really cannot relate to other people and experience any joy or pleasure in their life at all. That’s not true of sadness. Sadness stays with us, more or less intense, for our entire life. It’s not something we can run away from nor do we want to. Depression usually has a beginning and an end, hopefully. Those are the main differences.”

According to Dr. Gloria Horsley, professional therapist, one of the things about depression is that you don’t hear most bereaved people saying they want to kill themselves. They may say they wish they weren’t living or they wish they could join the person who died, but that is very different from the idea that they really want to kill themselves.

Ronald Knapp’s book Beyond Endurance documented this theory in a study that looked at people over a period of six months and one of the characteristics that all families who have suffered through the death of a child have was a general desire to follow the child. There were no suicides in his group.
There are some therapists who can mistake that and not realize it is not a suicidal thought. It is just a thought of wanted to rejoin the person, a natural parental instinct.

I remember thinking when Marcy died that I would gladly have traded places with her. I was almost 50 years old at the time and had lived a majority of my life, a good life, but thought, “Marcy has just begun to live and had so much more to do.” I never really contemplate suicide as an answer to my sadness. It never even crossed my mind.

Below are some signs of depression. The ones I have marked can be either sadness or depression, but understand that all of these listed can relate to depression only. I list them so that you will be careful and understand the difference between sadness and depression in your life and be able to deal with getting through this difficult part.

Difficulty falling asleep or remaining asleep at night (can be either)
Waking up early in the morning, feeling anxious and irritable
Marked changed in appetite, either toward overeating or loss of appétit; substantial weight changes (can be either)
Increased use of sleeping pills, other medications, alcohol or caffeine
Uncharacteristic short-temperedness, crying or agitation
Delay or neglect of vital physical needs (can be either)
Decreased resistance to illness (can be either)
Loss of energy or fatigue (can be either)
Subdued mood; expressionless face or flat tone of voice
Rough handling and other signs of impatience in giving care
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

Dealing with the "What if's" in Life

2010-03-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

We can't dwell on the "what if's" in our lives. My daughter was killed by an impaired driver who was senselessly driving around in a Los Angeles residential area, speeding and not stopping where stop signs were posted. In a split second my whole world changed and the "what if's" started.

What if Marcy and her husband had not gone to pick up their new car that day and out to dinner to celebrate their purchase? What if she had driven herself to work and had to return on her regular route? What if they had taken five more minutes at the car dealership? Would the driver have been out of the area by then?

Don't let "what if''s" tear you apart. We can not change or control our destiny and so must live with what has happened in our lives. Don't let it destroy you, but 'do' decide how you are going to live the rest of your life, what you want to do, and how you want to do it.

It took me quite a while to decide what path I would take. It won't happen overnight, in a week, in a month and maybe not for several years. But eventually you will know what is right for you. Everyone needs their own space and time to recover, no matter how long.

In the meantime, go through the grief process, follow the stages of grief, read books on grief recovery, attend a grief support group meeting, see a counselor if you need to and most importantly, talk to other bereaved parents who have been there. They can be your best salvation because they understand exactly how you feel and can help you deal with all your turmoil.

I know this works, because I believe I'm on the other side of grief now...a good place to be...
helping others, writing books, and starting a support group where I live. Check into where you can find help by contacting The Compassionate Friends at www.compassionatefriends.org or send me an email, and I will direct you to someone who can be of help.