Books To Help Young People Cope

Adults are always trying to make sense of the death of a loved one. This is especially true of a child. We know how hard it is for us, so it must be just as hard for children to understand and accept a sibling’s death or a grandparent or parent. Young children will most likely have questions about why death happens and what happens to the people they love after they are gone.

There are a number of books written to provide children with a sense of comfort and to help them understand their feelings of sadness and grief. It is an education all children should have in their life, so that when they are confronted with death of a sibling, parent, or grandparent, their reactions are normal. Here are a few of the books, aimed at 4 years and older.

Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine by Diana Crossley, is an activity book designed to help children ages four and older deal with their feelings after losing a loved one. The activities range from arts and crafts to journaling and allow the child to make sense of the concept of death.

Ladder to the Moon by Maya Soetoro-Ng is a story about a young girl who wants to connect with her late grandmother whom she has never met. When a ladder appears at the girl’s bedroom window, she is able to take a magical journey with her grandmother. The author, who is also President Obama’s sister, was inspired by her own daughter’s questions about her grandmother, who passed away before she was born.

When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie and Marc Brown, offers is a straightforward explanation for young readers about the meaning death, funerals and other concepts dealing with loss. The answers to the questions are designed to spark conversations between children and their parents about feelings.

God Gave Us Heaven by Lisa Bergren and Laura Bryant, who can give younger readers who have questions about what happens to their loved ones after death, a sense of comfort. In the book, a little cub’s father describes Heaven as a beautiful, happy place where loved ones go after they have died.

I Miss You: A First Look At Death by Pat Thomas, explains death to young children in gentle, basic terms that they can understand without subscribing to any particular religious belief. The book explains that death is a natural part of life and that grief is a normal feeling when a loved one is lost. 

Missing Mummy by Rebecca Carr, is a moving story about a little boy who’s mother has died. The story is told from the boy’s perspective, and gives the reader a closer look at all of the emotions a child can experience after losing a parent.

If you are part of a family who has recently experienced loss, perhaps one of these books can help. Allow a child the time they may need to process their grief . Don’t hesitate to seek professional help, if needed.

Getting Through the Holidays

When the holidays are near and festivities and social gatherings prominent, we may feel the loss of our loved ones more at this time of the year than any other. We wonder how to get through these special times since we are filled with reminders of what we no longer have. Below I have listed some books that may be of help and support to you that are specifically about surviving the holidays.

When the Holidays Hurt: Practical Ideas and Inspiration for Healing by Nan Zastrow

The death of someone loved may be the reason associated with the lonesomeness and pain. Life and holidays, as you once knew them, have changed. In this collection of articles and essays, Nan writes about managing the traditions, transforming the holiday and allowing family to move forward. Available through Centering.org

Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories for Handling the Holidays After Loss by Dr. Gloria Horsley and Dr. Heidi Horsley and Open to Hope contributors

There is plenty of practical advice and encouragement from the stories and articles covering rethinking holiday traditions, gathering at Thanksgiving, finding your way back to Christmas and embracing the New Year with hope. Articles are written by bereaved people representing different relationships and causes of death. Even if the article is not about a child loss, the ideas may be helpful to your situation.

Thoughts for the Holidays: Finding Permission to Grieve by Doug Manning

This booklet begins with thoughts for the holidays, the waves of grief, the holiday dilemma, permission to do what you can do, permission to change traditions, and permission to find safe people. Available through Centering.org

How to Survive the Holidays When Someone You Love Has Died by Susan L. Fuller

This short Kindle e-book notes that as tempting as it may be to pull the covers up over your head and just wait for the holidays to be over, there is no way of truly avoiding this time of year. With a little bit of planning, it is possible to navigate your way through without totally falling apart, whether you decide to do things completely differently, exactly the same or something in-between.

Not Just Another Day by Missy Lowery

This book covers the more common holidays and gives good ideas for including children in celebrating birthdays and Christmas. Includes a list of things to do to take care of yourself for a month. Available through Centering.org

A Decembered Grief: Living with Loss while Others Are Celebrating by Harold Ivan Smith

The author coaches you on how to alter traditions instead of abandoning them, appreciate the grief styles of others and befriend your grief instead of dreading it. Topic headings include suggestions like Journal Your Grief, Create Ornaments, and something simple as a Nap! The encouragement to continue on is clearly and gently given.

Helping the Bereaved Celebrate the Holidays by James Miller

A step-by-step guide to designing what you’ll do, the time of gathering, poems, leaser and people responses, and many other general guidelines. Available through Centering.org

Part 2 of Reading Grief Books

continued from last week...

Grief books were a great help to me. Last week I talked about the first one I received that continues to be one of my favorites. This week I'd like to switch gears and tell you about a book called "Remembering With Love" by Elizabth Levand and Sherokee Ilse.

This book has messages of hope for the first year of grieving and beyond. The purpose is to affirm your feelings and bring you hope to light your path...to have a constant source of support. You are not alone. Within this book you will find the voices of many others who have struggled along their own paths, coped and survived. Their experiences emphasize that every individual has a right to their feelings and ways of coping and that no matter what others may say, you have the right to grieve for as long and as hard as you need to. It is their hope that these messages, combined with their words, will help you find the courage and strength that are within you.

Each of the 300 entries includes a wide range of feelings, options, issues and experiences that hopefully, you can relate to as your grief ebbs and flows over time, not only the first year but also beyond. Special days, moments and concerns, a collection of poetry and prose for birthdays, anniversaries and holidays is also included. Each page has a quote from the bereaved of his/her feelings, one or two paragraphs from the author about how to handle the pain, and then a promise for the bereaved to make to themselves to begin the healing process. I found the examples could relate to any death...a child, a spouse, a parent, a sibling..but allows us to identify within ourselves if this is how we feel.

The index at the front of the book is by subject matter, so that if there is a specific topic that appeals to you, it will be easy for you to find.

A couple of examples on these pages inside the book to show you how it is constructed are:

                                     WELL MEANING FRIENDS

"Friends cleaned my house, took everything I had in my daughters' room except their cribs, and put it all away. If made me mad. I felt they were taking away what little bit I had left."

     Our family and friends want to help us in any way they can. They care for us and want to ease our pain. In an attempt to help, they may decide to get rid of the painful possessions that might be reminders of our loved one, or pressure us to take care of this task right away. However, this is a decision which we must make for ourselves.
     If we are distressed because people have made inappropriate decisions for us or given us unhelpful advice, we can consider sharing our feelings with them. We can let them know that while we appreciate their good intentions, they are not being helpful. we can tell them what we might have preferred.

I have a right to my feelings when decisions are made or advice given that isn't helpful to me. When possible, I will ask others to give me the freedom to make my own decisions.


                                CALMNESS FROM WALKING

"During the hard days of grieving, as well as the less intense days that followed, I would take many walks, to be by myself and to reminisce. They always seemed to refresh and calm me, as I recalled my loved one's influence on my life."

     Something so simple as walking may surprise us in its power to calm and refresh us. the adrenaline pumps through our body, our heart beats faster, and our emotions can be refreshed from the exercise of a brisk walk. Or, a slow and peaceful walk can help calm us, even if just for the time being. We may also find walking to be an opportunity to relive the influence our loved one has had on our family's lives.
     When we walk, we can try to keep our heads up high, our bodies straight, and our thoughts open to the moment. We may find this activity quickly becoming a habit--our daily pick-me-up.   

I can use walking to help me gain peace, solitude, and a respite from my daily problems and issues. I will let my walk revitalize my mind and body.
____________         _____________       ______________   _____________    __________

Some pages have poems on them and the author's analyze that. It is their hope that by immersing yourself within these pages you will gather these messages of hope to your heart and your soul, so that you can live the rest of your life 'Remembering With Love.'

Some of the other grief books I enjoyed are "The Worst Loss" by Barbara Rosof, "A Broken Heart Still Beats" by Anne McCracken and Mary Semel, "After the Death of a Child" by Ann Kinkbeiner and "Roses in December" by Marilyn Heavilin. There are hundreds out there now, so look them over and see which ones might be right for you. And don't forget my two books, "I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye" and "Creating a New Normal...After the Death of a Child," both of which were inspired by the books I read and the people I met who needed resources.

Reading Grief Books

I've often been asked, "What were the first few books you read after the death of your child?" I don't mind at all answering that question because I still feel now, as I did back almost 20 years ago, when there wasn't much around to read, that I was fortunate to find and be given books I felt were very helpful to my situation, a tragic auto accident that killed my daughter. This week I will discuss one of my favorites; next week another one.

The first one I received that continues to be one of my favorites is "No Time For Goodbyes" by Janice Harris Lord. As one bereaved mother said in reviewing the book, "You've managed to put together a knowledgeable, compassionate and factual book to help those of us who have been suddenly thrust into the unwilling role of victims...I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your lifeline." I started reading the book and found myself underlining and starring what words, phrases and sentences I believed related to me and expressed my true feelings. There were many. I also enjoyed reading brief excerpts from stories that were told to the author. A few that struck me I've never forgotten that may also be of help to you are:

"You will never forget what happened. If you are afraid to get better because you think you might forget your loved one, stop worrying. You will never forget...in time you will remember the happy memories more easily than the painful ones which fill your mind now."

"...People may have commented on how 'strong' you were.  One of the saddest parts of trauma is that people assume you are strong when you really are in shock. You may appear strong, but you feel like a mechanical robot. When the shock wears off and you desperately need your friends, they have resumed life as usual, believing that you are doing fine."

"...many find it helpful to write down six to ten especially wonderful memories. Get them out and read them often so as not to feel yourself slipping into pain again."

"You may be disappointed in family and friends for their lack of sensitivity and understanding. It can make you frustrated and angry. However, you will have to decide for yourself when it is right to give more of your attention to living."

"Try to delay major decisions for at least a year or more. Moving, remarrying, deciding to have a baby, changing jobs, no matter how positive they seem, will create additional stress."

"Feel your feelings---whether they be sadness, rage, vengeance or others. Find a way to express them, perhaps through writing or sharing them with others who understand or through physical activity."

"Be patient with others who say inept things to you. Very rarely are such comments made to hurt you. While most people desperately want to help you, they may not know what to say or do. Try to be grateful for their attempt, if not the end result."

The book also covers the criminal justice system, death of a brother, sister, spouse, parent as well as suicide, spirituality and professional counseling. Not all parts were of interest to me, but I can say that the ones that were I marked and read over and over. In the back of the book is a list of resources of both other books and organizations that might help.

How Animals Grieve, the book

For all my readers emotionally attached to their animals, I'm sure you all realize that animals also have emotions and can feel for us. They can understand when we are happy, and they understand when we are sad. Within the animal kingdom, they share some of these same emotions with each other.

Professor of Anthropology at the College of William and Mary, Barbara King, has written a book called "How Animals Grieve." In her book she discusses how grief emerges from love. She compares it to our own lives and losses. She says that some animals are capable of grief but don't grieve. "It depends on so many factors, some related to the species, others to individual personality and the nature of the survivors relationship with the deceased, as it does with humans also," she added.

King would like us to take away from her book a resonance for animal emotion and inspiration and hope from the animals who freely express their love for others. She hopes that some might even come away from the book with new things to think about in relationship to loving and grieving.

The book also delves into ending all invasive biomedical testing, adding the animal's emotional awareness to a long list of reasons to carry on that fight.

I invite you to read the book and see whether you agree or disagree with her theories, particularly at the comparisons she makes with human grieving.

Taylor's Gift

“Taylor’s Gift: A Courageous Story of Giving Life and Renewing Hope” a book coming out tomorrow, April 1, chronicles the grief journey of Todd and Tara Storch and their 13-year-old daughter, Taylor, who died after a skiing accident in Colorado in 2010. More importantly, they speak of donating Taylor’s organs.


They found peace in discovering a purpose for Taylor’s death: saving others’ lives and to also tell the profound stories of the people affected by organ donation. So, in addition to the Storch story, those who received the organs and whose lives were saved are also featured. Taylor’s Gift Foundation was founded in 2010.

Both Todd and Tara tell their story of hope and healing, in addition to stories from a teenage girl with special needs to a young nurse and mother. The nurse received Taylor’s heart and Tara got to listen to it. Most importantly, they say there is an urgent need for organ donors. More than 100,000 people are waiting for transplants. Only 40 percent of adults over 18 are even enrolled in state donor registries.

One of the myths associated with organ donation is that some people are afraid that doctors won’t make an effort to save lives, but Tara says that doctors are under a Hippocratic oath saying they will do everything in their power to save a person. Another myth is the fact that a person might think he/she is too old. But older adults can also have very healthy organs.

As for healing, the couple talks about being surrounded by love, even in their darkest hours. “The best thing our friends did was to just be there,” said Tara. “There were no expectations; no judgment. They didn’t try to fix me.” The friends realized, as many of us do who have been there, that those of us who have lost our child are changed forever and there is no going back. We are different people, with different goals now that our child has died and others must learn to accept that. Tara was lucky that she had such thoughtful, considerate friends who never gave up on her, even on days when Tara herself wanted to give up.

When you decide to donate, a representative goes through a checklist of organs. This can be very hard for the family, but necessary. If you have a compassionate person, they understand this and will be gentle with your feelings. Families have the choice of which organs they want to donate or not donate.

Tara and Todd talk about all these aspects in their book, and I’m sure will put many people at ease to know this decision is entirely up to each family and what they feel is best for them. The Storch family wants to make a difference in the world and “organ donation is a beautiful way to outlive yourself.”

To be an organ donor, go to www.taylorsgift.org.

The Blessing of a Broken Heart

Sheri Mandell has written a book of spiritual healing, “The Blessing of a Broken Heart,” the story of her young son’s stoning death by Palestinians in Israel in 2004. It is her story and how she was able to survive that terrible day when he was found dead, along with his friend, in a cave near the mountains they lived by. The book has become a play and the one woman show came to a theater in my hometown. I was told by a friend not to miss it, and since I am interested in all things related to a child’s death and the parent’s survival, I went to see it. It is a hard play to say you ‘enjoy.’ No one can even imagine a child being bludgeoned to death, but we know that when God closes one door, he opens another, as I will explain.

Sherri married an Orthodox Jewish rabbi, and moved to Israel, where she fell in love with the land and its people. Her son, Koby, had ditched school that day with his friend and they went into the mountains, where, before that day, he had always been safe playing. Why they decided to ditch school that day, no one will ever know, and why this happened to them will always be another unanswered question. But it did happen and Sheri thought at first, like we all do, that she would never survive her son’s death.

But hope, determination, her love of God, and the will to survive helped herself, husband and other children through the tragedy as it eventually does to most of us. We will never forget our children, but we can do things in their memory and to always remember with love. For Sheri, she eventually noticed that because she lived in an area of the world that was always under siege where no one was safe from terrorism, there were many children who had lost parents in these wars, and many parents who had lost children. She was able to start a foundation which runs healing programs for families that have been directly affected by terror in Israel, having lost an immediate family member to a terrorist attack or an act of war. The foundation sponsors Camp Koby, its flagship program, for children who have lost a parent or a sibling in an act of terror in addition to Mothers’ Healing Retreats for women bereaved by terrorist violence and similar retreats for widows who have lost a husband to terror of war. The site is www.kobymandell.org . Her blessing: to move on with her life and do good things in her child’s honor.

The play brought back many of the same feelings I had after losing my daughter, and I felt I could identify with her feelings of frustration as to why this happened to her and to her son. It was a senseless tragedy as was my daughter being killed by an impaired driver. I would encourage you to get a copy of the book (same title as the play) and read Sherri’s story.

The book has won a National Jewish book award and translated into three languages. Sherri has also won many other awards for her writings and speaks around the world on grief, bereavement and healing. She continues to live with her husband and other children in Israel, where she also teaches writing and works as a pastoral counselor.

A New Book "Kayak Morning"

In 2007, Roger Rosenblatt's 38-year-old daughter, Amy, died unexpectedly of an undetected heart condition. In his first memoir "Making Toast," (2010) an outlet for his grief, he chronicled how he moved to his daughter's home in Maryland, pulling everyone together to create a hectic, mutigenerational household (caring for his wife, two grown sons and six grandchildren) saving them all and helping to force them into the future. In his new book, "Kayak Morning" this bereaved father speaks on this unacceptable loss, a loss he still deals with. But as he and all of us who have lost a child, say, "Even as we get on with our lives, the grief remains with us always." And so, what can we do to move on in a positive way?

This is our challenge, he comes to understand, as he explores alone for many hours one morning in his kayak, both his own life and that of the half mile long creek. "The nice thing about kayaking is that you ride the surface, which is akin to dealing with the task at hand." Rosenblatt, a versatile author of more than 15 books, an award-winning journalist, playwright and teacher, says that writing, like kayaking, requires precision and restraint and keeps him afloat.

While in the kayak he explores the pain, bafflement and yet deepening compassion that have engulfed him since Amy's death. His observations are sometimes somber but always rich. "You can't always make your way in the world by moving up or down. Boats move laterally on water, which levels everything." Drifting on the water, he he realizes that art does not make up a life. Nor does experience or death. It is Love.

"Kayak Morning" is a solitary book. Rosenblatt is alone with his own thoughts. He does not update you about his family that he introduces in 'Making Toast." What is here is the thoughs and feelings of a father ,who also happens to be a writer, as he struggles with a grief that seems to go on with no end in sight. Readers, however, may find his words comforting and insightful.

Since there are so few books written by bereaved fathers, many men may also find Rosenblatt's newest book comforting to how they, too, are feeling.

Infant and Miscarriage Loss Book

Children die at any age for any reason. One group of mothers whose stories seem to be less written about is those who have a miscarriage or lose a small baby. Melissa Eshleman of Norway has written a new book “Always Within: Grieving the Loss of Your Infant” in hopes of helping families deal with the loss of a pregnancy or an infant.

Besides a series of stories from those who have endured this type of loss, Eshleman also offers insight from her own experience, losing her son when he was just four days old. She says that losing a pregnancy or infant is such a devastating experience for parents and families, she hopes this book helps in the grieving process. She added, “It’s like having a compassionate and caring support group right at your fingertips.”

The book has stories of more than 20 parents who have dedicated their time and energy into recounting the difficult moments and events following their losses. Each chapter includes helpful advice from parents and thoughts on what family and friends can do to provide support during this difficult time. There are also ideas on how grieving parents can help keep their children’s memories alive through the years, as well as comforting poems, quotes and Bible verses.

Eshleman lost her infant son, Lucas, in 2001. Afterwards, she joined a number of infant loss groups, finding that she could accelerate her own healing process by helping others. Because she knows first-hand the challenges of dealing with such grief, Eshleman said she wanted to fill the void of information that parents need after they lose a baby so suddenly.

“When I lost my son, I was like a lot of parents in that I had no idea where to turn or what to do. I felt alone in my grief,” she said. “It took me too long to find infant support groups and to find comfort in reading the stories of others.”

Although a Norway author, her book can be ordered online at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com.

A Mother's Worst Nightmare

When Jeanne and Ray Buesser’s son, Danny, died, Jeanne said it was like a road falling away from her. She was numb. She didn’t know how she would survive one day, even one hour.

Jeanne has survived both the death of her son from a tumor in his abdomen, the sudden death of her husband two years ago and the subsequent diagnoses of her other two sons, one with apraxia, the other with autism. How much can one person endure?

It was the apraxia that was so confusing to both Jeanne, Ray and many other parents, since it is very hard to detect in early stages of development. She told me that what happens is that children cannot produce the correct sounds to verbally make themselves understood and the words come out garbled. Because the child cannot phonetically break down words, there are many learning issues. It is hard for them to read and they have trouble processing. She emphasized that in most children, the intelligence level is unaffected. Her goal is to get the information out there to help others.

When I speak of Jeanne, I have nothing but praise for her courage and fortitude to make the most of the hand that God has dealt her. She realizes this is a tough road, but is determined to make it through. The comfort she gets from family and friends, the Compassionate Friends group she belongs to and from helping others learn about apraxia has been extremely beneficial.

I hope I was also helpful to Jeanne when I encouraged her to get her story published about her son and apraxia, since it is not a well-known disease at all and the public needed to be educated. The book that came about from this is He Talks Funny, a children’s book on the subject, but one that any parent can go through with their child and learn much also.

Jeanne is a very busy lady. Besides taking care of her two boys, she runs a non-profit support group for parents of children with speech impairments, is president of the Apraxia Network of Bergen County New Jersey, outreach coordinator of the Cherab Foundation (a world-wide foundation for children with speech impairments), speaker at conferences on the topic, publishes articles on Apraxia, PTO treasurer at her son’s school, president of the Learning Disabilities Association of NJ, and volunteers at a local Temple doing mailings and cooking for Feeding the Hungry.

Her latest endeavor is a book focusing on poetry she wrote through the years on her own personal journey in addition to a little about her life before her children. The book is Journey…From Darkness to Light and will be available soon. Her many poems are simple, direct and full of all the emotions that build up each day after your child dies when you feel totally lost and empty. As she says in one of her poems…her loved ones will always be with her…she knows they are safe inside her heart and mind. Those of us who have lost children understand the torment, the anguish and the incomprehensible loss she speaks about. Her comfort, she says, is in knowing that one day they will all be reunited.

Keep checking for the publication of her new book and visit her website at http://www.apraxiaofbergen.weebly.com/

Elizabeth Edwards and "Saving Graces"

I met Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Senator John Edwards, two years ago at the National Compassionate Friends Conference in Oklahoma City. She was the keynote speaker who I thought spoke eloquently and passionately to a crowd of 1,500 bereaved parents about the loss of her son and how it has affected her life.

After the speech, she went into the bookstore to sign copies of her book “Saving Graces.” I, along with probably 1,000 people, stood on line to have her sign and take a picture with her. The line moved very slowly and I walked to the front to see why. Elizabeth was asking each parent his or her child’s name and their story of what had happened. She then got up and hugged each one of them before signing the book with the parents and child’s name in the dedication.

“Wow,” I thought. “This is going to be a long wait, but how nice of her to make each parent feel so important.” After about an hour, her secret service men told her she had to leave, the plane was waiting for the trip to be on the Larry King Show that evening. She absolutely refused to do so until she spoke to every parent waiting in line (another 4 hours). From that moment on I knew she was a classy lady, and despite the fact that she was not well herself and had recently been told her cancer was not curable, my admiration for her grew and grew, especially after facing her husband’s infidelity in the public arena.

I wanted to sit down and read her book, but as things happen, it sat on my shelf for almost two years before I found the time. I have now finished it and admire this intelligent, sometimes witty, but always sincere and caring individual who has gone through what we all have gone through, the death of a child. How she deals with it is a lot of the focus of this book, in addition to her early life of trials and later triumphs. It is also a fascinating look at her husband’s campaigns for Senate, president and vice-president and how she supported him throughout.

What she says saved her life after her son's death is the community of people who surrounded and helped her when son Wade was killed in a car accident. She expresses in her book what we all feel: the raw emotions, the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression, and finally, the renewal. She never retreats from the fact that she thinks of Wade every day of her life and misses and will love him always.

Elizabeth found great support in online communities, and her belief in the power of community to make our lives better and richer is still ongoing today. She talks about alt.support.grief (ASG), the newsgroup for the bereaved, as well as GriefNet, grief-parents and Tom Golden’s website on grief and healing. “You use these support groups for as long as you need to,” she adds.

She says it simply enough in her book to a mother who lost her son Christian: “At ASG I hope you find what you need. We have different emotions on any given day; all of us will be in pain on every day in which you feel pain… but it is the bond that allows us to be gentle with each other…do not misunderstand: no one else has lost Christian, no one else knows just what an incredible boy he is. But all of us are willing to learn that from you. There is no time, not months or years from now, that we will tire of him. With great regret, I welcome you to alt.support.grief.”

Comfort

Time heals…she is in a better place…she is still with you…you should exercise every day…there, now, don’t you feel better. No, I don’t, and neither do you if you have lost a child. Our grief is with us always and there is nothing that will make it go away or make us forget. We will always be devastated, but eventually we learn to live again.

In her newest book, Comfort, Ann Hood takes us on a journey with her 5-year-old daughter, Grace, who died suddenly from strep throat, a journey for Hood that will no doubt last a lifetime. She pours out her heart to us, tells us exactly how she feels and what she thinks of all the platitudes from friends and family who have no clue. Hood searched for comfort and eventually found it at a time when none seemed possible. What she didn’t realize was how grief and unforgettable love would change her life and give her hope once again.

The simplistic way she shows her courage by taking up the pen once again and putting these thoughts into words to reveal her climb out of the abyss, is pure magic.

I felt myself agreeing with everything she said and did. I also felt myself going back in time and thinking about how I handled various situations. I remember a friend saying to me, with a catch in her throat, a few months after my daughter died, “How are you doing?” “I’m fine,” I answered immediately without even thinking about what she said. She looked at me sternly. “You are not fine, and don’t tell me you are,” she admonished me. I looked at her, and with the realization of someone who had just made a rote statement without even thinking, said, “You’re right; I’m not fine.” From that moment on, when asked that question by others, my response has always been, “I’m doing the best I can at the moment.” With Hood you can identify with her joys and her sorrows and, in the end, you want to stand up and cheer.

As Hood suggests, one cannot make sense out of losing a child and writing about it. Losing a child is incomprehensible. She and I can try to help bereaved parents in many ways by offering advice or techniques that have been tried, but in the end, it is hard to imagine that we have done any good. Hopefully, we have, but the reality is that the child is dead and nothing we write about or do can change that.

I, like Hood, can only say that someday, be it 1 year, 3 years, 5 years or longer, parents will be able to move on, but their hearts will always be broken and there will be times when the grief is overwhelming. Read this book to realize you are not alone in what you feel, say or do after losing a child.

The Knitting Circle book

I just got done reading "The Knitting Circle", Ann Hood's moving account of how a grieving mother survives the loss of her only daughter from an illness. Although the book is fictional, it parallels Hood's own loss of her daughter and how joining a knitting circle saved her life.

It is a book that is simple in its words, understandable in it's grief and acutely moving as it shows you Mary Baxter, the main character, unraveling in the year following the loss of her daughter. I found myself unable to put the book down. It was not only because of the story plot, which moved relentlessly along, but also because I could identify with her feelings, her emotions and her actions as she plotted along day after day, keeping to herself mostly.

Anyone who has lost a child for any reason will be able to identify in some part with this book and what Mary goes through that first year as well as those who have had other types of loses. I say 'identify in some part' because there was a point where I wanted to yell at Mary, "All right, enough is enough, get out of bed, try to help yourself, try to move on." That is where the book dragged a little, but what kept it going for me were the stories Mary hears from the other women in her knitting circle as they all eventually open up to her while teaching her new knitting techniques.

The knitting circle becomes Mary's grief group as each person in the group reveals their darkest secrets. Knitting is the tie that binds these women together and helps them move towards healing their deepest scars.

They say that when you help someone else, you end up helping yourself. This is what I believe happens to Mary in the book and it is the reason to keep reading. As Mary drags herself to the knitting sessions, she learns of the other women's tragedies, albeit different but no less horrible than her own. One can see the comparison of the unraveling of the stories to the unrolling of a bulk of yarn that is to be knitted.

You are always routing for her. I'd say to Mary as I read, "Come on, Mary, do something about your situation. I felt many of the same feelings you are feeling, but perhaps I was lucky. I was able to accept what happened, not happily you understand, but with the knowledge that sometimes life tests you to see how strong you are. And sometimes you pass the test while other times it is too hard for you." I rooted for Mary to find her way, to realize the importance of telling her own story to others as part of her healing process and to realize the knitting circle would change her life.

Without revealing the end of the book, just know that this is a good read and one that will keep you engrossed the entire time. Perhaps we should all learn to knit as a way to calm our nerves, our heart and our lives.