My Last Post...for now

It has been almost 10 years and 500  blogs since I first started writing this blog for all of you who needed to hear words of comfort and a variety of information of how to move on with your life. Each Sunday I would try to pick a topic that was both timely and of interest to many. All 10 years are here on these pages. I have also written two books on surviving grief: “I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye” and “Creating a New Normal…After the Death of a Child,” both of which I hope were helpful. It is time now to put my writings aside and do other things, but I want to leave you with the following hints to help you move forward with your life, in addition to the ones I’ve mentioned throughout the years, no matter where you are in your lifelong grief journey:

1. Seek a grief counselor if you feel you need one. Many are good, but make sure you are not getting advice from the uninitiated. In other words, the grief counselor should also be a bereaved parent, if at all possible. Otherwise, they will give you their advice but probably never understand what you are truly feeling because they have not been through it.
2. Don’t expect a miracle cure. There isn’t one. A broken heart can not be replaced. It can only be repaired.
3. Learn from other survivors. Listen to their stories and what they’ve done to move on with their lives.
4. Reaching out to others who are newly bereaved may be your best therapy because you realize you are not alone. I’ve met extraordinary people who have enriched my life as I hope I have for them.
5. Talk about your child and let others know you want them to do so too. This is the No. 1 thing bereaved parents ask for others to do the most. They don’t want their child to be forgotten. Others may be afraid at first, but you need to make them comfortable by telling them you’d love to hear a story about them.
6. Time is your friend. Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon. A good day doesn’t mean you’re moving on. It’s a roller-coaster ride and you may fall back into the hole at any time. Grieving for your child is a life-long process
7. Do not say “good-bye” to your deceased child or children. Alive or dead, there are no true separations from our children.
8. Understand that people will react differently towards you and be accepting of that.
9. Don’t rush into any decisions you might regret later, like moving. Take your time.
10. Do whatever you want to honor your child and whatever makes you happy, no matter what others may say. It can be a scholarship, having a memorial service or starting a foundation.
11. Be around people who care about you and your needs.
12. Take care of yourself physically. Eat right. Exercise.
13. Whatever you do, remember your reactions are normal.
14. Expect to be a different person, with new goals, new friends and different priorities.
15. Find a support group and go to meetings with other bereaved parents. You will feel comfortable talking about your child and everyone will get to know your child and understand how you are feeling.
16. Don’t be afraid to laugh. You are not being disloyal to your child’s memory by doing so, and laughter is good for the soul.
17. Always know our kids are watching and routing for our survival. We owe it to them to live our lives in tribute to their memory, to make them proud of us. For as long as we live, they too shall live. Remember too, you are not alone.

I believe that the passage of time, an open heart that embraces life, hard work and a choice to embrace hope, will allow you to survive the most difficult losses and move on with your life. 

I will return, hopefully, from time to time, to continue giving you advice and help wherever and whenever I can. All 500 blogs will remain on this site. Remember, you can always email me to ask anything you feel you need help or advice on. Thank you for following me all these years.

Importance of keeping pictures

If your house was on fire and you only had time to take a few precious mementos, what would they be?

For me, pictures are the most important mementos. They are the one thing you can never replace, especially if they are pictures of a child who died. Grab as many as you can and add other family photos to the ones you chose. We think we remember everything about our loved one who died, but as time goes on, memories fade. And if you have additional children, their lives are important also, so grab what you can. The clothes, the awards, the keepsakes from trips—all of these are important too, but most are replaceable and don’t hold the same sentimental value as a photo.

To make sure of always having photos of the family: children, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, I take a number of photos and store them in my safe deposit box at the bank. I know they are safe there and that if anything happens to my home, I will still have precious ones to look at and be able to reproduce at a later time.

Another idea for those who have lost everything in a flood or fire is to ask friends and relatives to share pictures with you that have one or more members of your family in them. It may just be a camping outing, a birthday party or a wedding you all attended. The more you can gather, the better you’ll feel that not everything was lost.

If you put family pictures all over your new abode, you shouldn’t feel strange or embarrassed about doing that. I love surrounding myself with those I love and particularly those no longer here. I like talking about my family to friends when they come over and include my family in my life in any way I can.

As long as I have those precious photos, I feel my life is as complete as it can be, and I can move on from there making new memories but never forgetting the old ones. 

Merry Christmas to all.

Celebrating Hanukkah and Christmas

In a rare occurrence, this year Hanukkah, the festival of Lights, begins on Christmas Eve. It is usually days or weeks before December 25, depending on the Jewish calendar. It lasts eight nights and is marked by the lighting of candles in the home, one candle for each night until all eight lights burn brightly.

One legend tells of finding the Temple in Jerusalem desolate and desecrated. It was cleansed and rededicated by Judah and his brothers. With a little flash of holy oil expected to last only one day, they relit the great Menorah. Miraculously, the oil lasted eight days and over the years the custom of lighting Hanukkah lights developed into the festival celebrated today by Jews all over the world.

Hanukkah is a happy celebration, Jews sing songs, play games (especially with a dreidel—a four-sided top)—eat potato pancakes called latkes, visit with family and friends and give gifts. It is considered a good deed (mitzvah) to give to those in need. Originally, gifts were coins given on one night. Today gifts are often given each night for the eight nights. Gifts can be small and not expensive or elaborate, depending on what people can afford.

If you have lost a child, no matter your religion, Hanukkah and/or Christmas can be a daunting time of year remembering all the good times you had while they were alive. When the time is right—it can be months or even years--get back into the spirit of the holidays by helping yourself and by helping others. 

I have been on the road of grief for many years, but now I have a new reason to celebrate, a grandson. I see those who are ahead of me and know they can help too in many ways. I also see those who are just starting the long journey. I and others can give them words of encouragement and hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you all peace, a pleasant holiday and hope for the year ahead.

Worldwide Candle Lighting and other info

A reminder that the 20^th annual Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting  to  honor the memory of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters and grandchildren who left too soon will be held. It unites family and friends around the globe when hundreds of thousands of people commemorate and honor their memory. Candles are lit for one hour at 7 p.m. local time. By doing this, it creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone.

It started in the U.S. in 1997 as a small internet observance, but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

Local bereavement groups, churches, funeral homes, hospitals, hospices, children’s gardens, schools, cemeteries and community centers have arranged services for all size groups. Check on the Compassionate Friends Website for postings of where some of these are held. If there are none in your area, you may plan one on your own open to the public and use Compassionate Friends website to help with suggestions on planning the service. It can be as simple as getting into a circle, lighting a candle and saying a few prayers for those who died and perhaps one special prayer for your child before blowing out your candle. In some locations, the names of those who died and are attending the service are named as well as a speaker giving prayers. If planning one for your community, let TCF know, so it can be posted so others can attend and/or know about it. TCF also invites you to post a message in the Remembrance Book which is available during the event at the national website.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child(ren) so that their lights may always shine.

______________             ________________           _________________

I read a fabulous idea recently about parents who wanted to honor their daughter who died. They did this by donating children’s books to a children’s hospital for reading and also donating grief books for those parents to read. It has gone over very well. Children were delighted to read or have stories read to them and parents could either read in the hospital or take the books home to read. I would definitely encourage any parents who want to honor their child to take up a  collection from parents who no longer need books for youngsters or to buy new books for this worthwhile project. Contact the local children’s hospital for additional information on how to go about doing this for them.

______________            _________________         ___________________

If you want to create a memory book for your child who died, Kelly Gerken founded and is president of Sufficient Grace Ministries, a non-profit organization that helps bereaved families create memory books of their children. Kelly and husband Tim lost three of their five children to Potter’s Syndrome in utero.

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A support group for families who have a child suffering from cancer is Cal’s Angels, offering hope and love. Its mission and purpose to grant wishes, raise awareness and fund research to help kids fighting cancer continues Cal’s legacy, according to his parents, Tom and Stacey Sutter. Cal Sutter never gave up hope after his diagnoses of Leukemia. He was always more concerned about the well-being of others fighting cancer than he was about himself during his 14 month battle with the disease.

Tributes Digest

To help sustain the memories of children who have died, the Starshine Galaxy Foundation supports the Tributes to Lost Children Community Page on Facebook as a place to post, share, and comment on activities to honor these children and to celebrate their lives.

A biweekly Tributes Digest presents highlights from this community page along with other items of interest. These stories, many of which I’ve read, remind me of my first book, “I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye” where I tell what happened to the child and then how the parents have moved on and what they are doing to honor their child. Many have causes or have started foundations. All of them don’t want what happened to them to happen to others.

Their stories are touching, and I’ve briefly summarized a few of them to give you an idea of the wide variety of what is being covered.

One of the recent highlights is “Jacob’s Hope.” Jacob disappeared in 1989 and his parents never gave up hope of finding their son. When they recently discovered his remains, they decided to keep the goal through this site of educating the public about those who take children, in hopes of stopping these kidnappings and murders.

Childhood cancer awareness is another topic on the minds of many as is the bodies of abandoned babies left on the roadside. As gun violence among young people become more prevelent, it is noted that we must find ways to stop this violence. Research into stillborn babies and Hemophiliac children is ongoing. And hope is always present as researchers learn more and more each day as to why these illnesses happen.

In the wake of 26-year-old Kayla Mueller’s death (she lived in Northern Arizona), “Kayla’s Hands” was created by her parents to continue their daughter’s humanitarian work she started in Syria to relieve human suffering. She was held for 18 months before she died. The  work they now do to help others is comforting to them and a loving tribute to Kayla.

Two year old Lane Graves was attacked by an alligator in Disneyworld recently, as he stood on a beach at the Disneyworld resort. Friends and family where he lived released 5,000 blue balloons as they stood in a large heart formation to honor and remember him. Disneyworld has since put up protective fences so no one else will get hurt or die.

Mathew Shepard, an incoming freshman at the University of Wyoming who was gay, was lured from a bar by two men who then kidnapped and tortured him and let him die, tied to a fence in an empty field. The voices of gay people are being heard now in greater numbers and they are hoping to stop this vicious violence.

The many deaths of men, women and children on September 11, 2001, will always be a tragedy, but out of that, a living memorial was built in New York to remember all the victims, and many families have started their own foundations to honor their children, relatives and friends and to document the lives of those tragically killed in this terror attack.

All of these deaths and many others are talked about in this Tributes Digest in much greater detail. Activities are held to honor those who have passed away and hopefully, what others have done can help in the healing process.

Their mailing address is: Starshine Galaxy Foundation, 1400 Sherwood Lane, Geneva, IL 60134. Direct any comments, questions or concerns on any post you may read in full on Facebook to: starmaster@starshinegalaxy.org.

Online Chat Rooms

For those needing help to get through their grief journey, the Compassionate Friends offers live online chats. This program was established to encourage connecting and sharing among parents, grandparents, and siblings over the age of 18 who are grieving the death of a child. These chat rooms supply support, encouragement and friendship and encourage conversation among friends who understand the emotions you are experiencing. The following are general bereavement sessions as well as more specific sessions based on Eastern time. The views expressed in this Online Support Community are the opinions of individual visitors and do not necessarily represent the views of the organization. Visit Compassionate Friends.org for additional information of how to get on to these chat rooms.

Monday

9-10 a.m. and 9-10 p.m.                                                         

Parents/grandparents/siblings

Moderator: Pat

Tuesday

9-10 p.m.                                                         9-10 p.m.

Bereaved less than two years                            Bereaved more than two years

Moderator: Margo                                            Moderators: Becca and Carol

Wednesday

9-10 p.m.                                                         10-11 p.m.

Parents/grandparents/siblings                         Parents/grandparents/siblings

Moderators: Karen and Walline                        Moderator:s Carol and Jeanne

Thursday

8-9 p.m.                                                           9-10 p.m.        

No Surviving Children                                    Parents/grandparents/siblings

Moderators: Adaline and Izzy                           Moderators: Carol and Donna 

Friday

10-11 p.m.                                                       9-10 p.m.

Parents/grandparents/siblings                             Parents/grandparents/siblings

Moderator: Karen                                            Moderators: Margo and Maureen

9-10 p.m.                                                         10-11 p.m.

Pegnancy/Infant Loss                                        Parents/grandparents/siblings

Moderators: Andrea and Sara                           Moderators: Margo and Maureen

Saturday

9-10 p.m.                                                         10-11 p.m.

Parents/grandparents/siblings                             Parents/grandparents/siblings

Moderators: Becca and Carol                           Moderators: Leslie and Carol

Sunday

8-9 p.m.                                                           9-10 p.m.

Survivors of Suicide                                          Parents/grandparents/siblings

Moderator: Izzy                                                Moderators: Carol and Diana

Closed Facebook Groups are also available, but you will have to contact the organization to get approval to join them. These groups are more specific on the loss. They include: loss of a child, loss of a stepchild, loss of a grandchild, sibling bereavement, men in grief, loss to substance related causes, loss to suicide, loss to homicide, loss to a drunk/impaired driver, loss to cancer, loss of a child with special needs, loss to long-term illness, infant and toddler loss, loss of an only child or all your children, loss to miscarriage or stillbirth, and loss to mental illness.

September 11, Fifteen Years Later

Today, September 11, is the 15^th anniversary of the most horrific terror event to ever occur on U.S. soil, the fall of the twin World Trade Center towers. I can tell you where I was on that day at that hour as I’m sure millions of people can. It is a day we will never forget.

I had arrived in New York at 3 a.m. that morning (my plane from Phoenix had mechanical problems and was 5 hours late). I checked into a Days Inn Hotel in Newark, N.J. and awoke around 9 a.m., turned on the TV and saw what was happening.

I was in New York and New Jersey to publicize my new book on surviving grief, “I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye,” that had just been published. I had contacted bookstores in the area and a TV station, where I was going to be interviewed. Needless to say, the interview didn’t happen that day, nor for the next seven days that I was stuck in the area because of plane cancellations. Too much was going on, and the TV station was kind enough to let me come back months later for the interview. The bookstores and compassionate friends groups where I was to speak let me go on with the show. But as you can guess, the bookstores were quite empty; everyone was at home or visiting those they knew who were part of the tragedy. The compassionate friends groups had a good turnout and most commented as to how timely my book was then.

A few days after getting home I was contacted by the FBI and asked if I had seen anything that night or the next morning. I hadn’t. It turns out that one of the hijackers was right next door to me. Pretty scary!

We now have a beautiful, poignant memorial in place along with a museum and many memories. Thousands come every day to see it and especially on 9/11 to honor those killed, first responders and everyone who helped to save lives in the aftermath. In the classroom teachers are utilizing age-appropriate lesson plans and teaching students about the importance of remembering 9/11. On social media, you can share your acts of commemoration, tributes and/or messages of remembrance with hashtag #Honor911 or be part of the volunteer efforts.

Since 2001, individuals and organizations have responded to 9/11 with service and volunteer efforts, many supporting the philanthropic wishes and interests of those killed on 9/11. In 2009, this work was formally acknowledged and supported with the establishment of the September 11 National Day of Service and Remembrance. Organized by the Corporation for National and Community Service (CNRS), a federal agency, the official page can be found here: serve.gov/sept11.asp . Download tool kits for the National Day of Service and Remembrance that offer resources for "do-it-yourself" and age-appropriate discussions around service and 9/11.

It is dedicated to keeping alive the spirit of unity and compassion that arose in response to the 9/11 attacks. They promote the annual observance of September 11 as a day of charitable service and doing good deeds. Many ways exist for you to get involved on this day.

In the museum, the memorial exhibition, In Memoriam, commemorates the lives of those who perished on September 11, 2001 and provides visitors with the opportunity to learn about the men, women and children who died. Visitors enter the exhibition along a corridor in which portrait photographs of the nearly 3,000 victims form a "Wall of Faces," communicating the scale of human loss.

Nearby, touchscreen tables allow visitors to discover additional information about each person, including photographs, images of objects and audio remembrances by family, friends and coworkers. Rotating selections of personal artifacts are also featured. An inner chamber presents profiles of individual victims in a dignified sequence through photographs, biographical information and audio recordings.

If you have something you’d like to contribute to the museum, get in touch with  them.

Offering Sympathy to the Bereaved

Suzie Kolber, a volunteer writer at www.obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html  asked if she could contribute this information to my blog. I’m more than happy to print any resources or words to help the bereaved. If you have written something or can give me information that I can expand on, please share it with me and if I can use it, I will certainly do so. In the meantime, you can visit this site for additional information on condolence letters, funeral planning resources or writing obituaries.

Saying the Right Things When You Offer Sympathy to Others  by Suzie Kolber

What do you say to your best friend when his father dies? How do you comfort your cousin who has lost a spouse? And what words can comfort a parent who has lost their child? These are common thoughts for anyone when trying to decide how to offer sympathy to a grieving family member or friend.

Don’t avoid the issue. Instead of trying to talk around the subject, acknowledge the situation. It is appropriate to say that you heard that a person died even if it occurred some time ago. This lets the other person know that you are willing to talk about it and allows them to say what they want.

Always be honest and sincere even if that means admitting that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying that you are sorry about the situation is enough. You can say it in a variety of ways such as: “I’m sorry to hear about your loss” or “I’m sorry that you are going through this” or “I want you to know how sorry I am that this has happened to you.” Showing your concern lets the other person know that he or she is not alone.

Be supportive. You may feel like you should be doing something for the grieving person. It feels awkward to just stand or sit and talk about the situation. If you are the type of person who wants to “fix” things, you should use that attitude in this situation. While you can’t fix it, you can do things to make the burden easier.

Some examples of support include helping out with tasks around the house or caring for children so that the bereaved person can deal with other jobs. You may be able to take on some projects that the deceased handled, especially important when the people are older. Maybe he mowed the lawn, or she cooked dinner. Now that they are gone, this task is left up to another family member. They may feel overwhelmed at all of the work they need to do and appreciate you taking on the responsibility for a few days or weeks.

One of the best ways to offer ongoing support is by asking how the person feels. This allows them to deal with their feelings and express any concerns they are having. It is a good question to ask even months later because people may grieve for a very long time. When you receive an answer to your question, don’t assume that means you have to respond or “make them feel better.” Just the act of telling you that ‘today is a bad day’ or ‘I spent the morning crying’ can be enough.

The most important thing to remember about offering sympathy to people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one is that it’s not the words that matter. It’s the meaning and the intention behind the words.

Sudden or Violent Death

Sudden or violent death of a child - workshop

The Sudden Death of a child is very close to my heart. It is the way my daughter died at age 27, and I always want to hear and read more about the topic.

Parents become paralyzed when their child died suddenly. They are in a state of shock, and it can take a long time to comprehend. There is no opportunity to prepare, resolve misunderstandings or, or most important, to say good-bye. My daughter and I had a wonderful relationship and when she was suddenly killed in a horrific car accident four months after her marriage, I couldn’t believe it. Neither can most parents. Our lives are changed forever.

SHOCK

Shock is our first response to news of a sudden death. We can’t believe what has happened, nor can any relatives or friends. It can take days, weeks and in some cases, months, to comprehend emotionally what has happened. You may have a fear of going crazy: what could you have done, should have done. This can lead to anxiety in your chest, lack of sleep, and an inability to function normally. We are angry at the injustice of it all; we anguish that the loss is forever, we yearn to be with the child; we might also focus our anger on those responsible. In my case, the man who smashed into them was never caught.

Bereaved parents also want to reach out for a “sign” from their child, and can be highly susceptible to the power of suggestion.

GUILT

We ask ourselves “if only” and “What if.” We have guilt about what might have saved our child. Our job is to protect our child and not blame ourselves for what happened. Four important points to keep in mind are (1) talk out your feelings with the family, (2) talk with those who have been there, (3) keep a journal where you can address unfinished issues and say things left unsaid, and (4) the need to blame oneself will move from a main focus of grief to a level of acceptance since many tragedies in life are not preventable or foreseeable.

ACCEPTANCE

My biggest focus was on Anger towards those responsible for my daughter’s death. There are often yearnings to die in place of your child. It is suggested you surround yourself with like-minded people, create special ways to remember, talk about your child, keep a special memory album, hold special memorial gatherings to remember and honor the child, hold blood drives, donate toys, become a spokesperson for a cause, have a birthday party every year and do a memorial tattoo on your body. A good site to set up a memorial website for your child is Legacy.com.

Many families say that one of the most difficult things is to see the world go on when the child is gone. But there are many ways to remember. Include your child’s name in a conversation. Even if friends are shocked at first, they will get used to it and perhaps feel better about their own memories of your child. Tell stories, make a special memory album others can look at. Honor the child in any way possible. Give back by helping a newly bereaved person.

REORGANIZATION OF LIFE

We learn to accept the death. It can take a very long time because each person’s grief is different. Complete recovery is a myth. We never get over it. The family unit is changed forever and they need both short and long term support when the death comes suddenly. You will find your pain slowly changing from intense to warmer memories and a commitment to lead our lives in honor of our child and in a way that would make that child proud.

These ideas and thoughts are all constructive, representing some good that can come from a tragedy. Reinvest in love, work and living.

Red Means Stop

Note: I begin this Sunday discussing some of the workshops in depth that I attended and/or the people I interviewed attending the conference that belong to a special interest group.

Red Means Stop is an Arizona organization of victims and safety advocates comprised of mothers, fathers and children whose goal is to save lives and prevent crashes that injure and kill drivers, passengers and pedestrians and to honor victims and their families. The group meets once a month in Scottsdale at Driving MBA. The executive director, Barbara Hoffman sat next to me in the bookstore and told me all about this organization. 

In January 1999, three families whose children died from red light runners founded The Red Means Stop Coalition. Barbara's son Michael Allanson,14,  was hit by an 82-year-old red light runner in August of 2004, while crossing the street in a crosswalk.

When formed, the Red Means Stop Coalition was the only known grassroots organization of its kind in the United States. There are many traffic advocates around the country who have similar programs now. Their long-term goal is to have the message about the dangers and consequences of red light running spread throughout the country until red light running is significantly reduced everywhere.

In Arizona, car crashes are the number one killer of teens and young adults age 15-24. An average of four people are killed in Arizona every month due to red light/stop sign running crashes.

The following are the areas the group is involved in.

Driver’s Education:

The group actively participates and plans events to educate drivers. Their education programming includes:

·         Speaking about the dangers and consequences of red light running at Traffic Safety Survival and Defensive Driving School classes

·         Speaking to students at high schools, about the consequences of red light running and making poor decisions on the road

·         Speaking to middle school and elementary school students about traffic safety

·         Speaking at fairs, conferences, and other events to raise awareness about red light running, distracted driving, and the importance of drivers education.

·         Speaking to parent groups about preparing their children to become safe and responsible young drivers

They also educates drivers by providing driver training awards to underprivileged teens in Arizona. Red Means Stop has partnered with DrivingMBA, a driving school in Arizona offering high level simulation training labs that are completely integrated with classroom and on-road instruction. These driver training programs teach a better understanding of the mental skills required to be safe, responsible drivers

In Arizona, over 200 car crashes a year are the number one killer of teens and young adults age 15-24. It is estimated that four people are killed in Arizona every month just from red light/stop sign running crashes.

Victim Outreach

If you, a family member or friend has been the victim of a red light running crash and would like to talk to other victims or need information about red light running laws in Arizona, use the contact information below. They are happy to talk, console and/or advise you.

If a recent victim and your case is still in the investigation stage or is working its way through the courts, confirm with the investigating officer or the prosecutor that the defendant is at the very least charged under Arizona Revised Statutes 28-672.  There may be other charges if drugs, alcohol or speed was involved. If an advocate is needed to write a letter to the judge or to appear in court with you,

This group can help. Email them at   info@redmeansstop.org or call their office at 480-305-7900 and leave a message.

Community Outreach

Outreach and education is a key component of Red Means Stop’s programming. The board members and volunteers outreach to the community by holding events, public and private and in schools.

The board collaborated with victims of red light running and their families to compile their impactful stories into an educational book, Carelessness Is No Accident. Their goal is to get these books into the hands of teens and adults to raise awareness about the dangers and consequences of red light running.

Volunteer Opportunities

Volunteers are needed for Red Means Stop Traffic Safety Alliance. To volunteer email: Barb.Hoffman@redmeansstop.org

39th TCF Conference in Scottsdale

I recently attended the 39^th annual Compassionate Friends Conference in Scottsdale, AZ, with over 1,200 people participating, and I’m coming away with meeting many interesting people, speakers and attending many workshops. This year, many new special programs were added in addition to the 100 or so workshops.

For the next few weeks I will be telling you about some of the workshops and some of the interesting people I met at them. But this week I’d like to highlight some of the special programs and events that were held.

A special performance by Olivia Newton-John, Beth Nielsen Chapman and Amy Sky and a meet and greet with a photographer were on hand afterwards to take pictures with these lovely women, who sang songs from their new CD about working your way through the maze of grief and loss.

A trip to the Butterfly Wonderland to discover the amazing life of the butterfly from caterpillar to chrysalis to the moment it spreads its wings for the first time and takes flight into the world was viewed. It is the largest indoor rain forest atrium in the U.S. More than 3,000 butterflies from around the world are among lush tropical plants and flowers. It is one of the most amazing butterfly conservatories in the world.

For the first time, a Spanish workshop was designed to include the grief and bereavement process after the loss of a child, cultural aspects, diversity with the Latino community, how these bereaved parents feel when they are not surrounded by their families at the moment of their loss, the importance of the surviving siblings and their bereavement process, couples’ grief, the importance of communication and understanding of their individual grieving process. The atmosphere was filled with songs, poems and imagery.

A discussion about finding meaning and hope in synchronistic events in “whispers and dream visits” involving our children, siblings and loved ones who have died was held. Carla Blowey and Mitch Carmody believe that synchronicity (a meaningful coincidence) in whispers and dreams serve as a message of healing for the individual and the community. Participants were invited to share how synchronicity has inspired them to live a more conscious and hopeful life.

There was a “paint night”, a Love in Motion signing choir, a crafty corner, a hug station and a performance by the internationally renowned “Yellow Bird Dancers” (members of the San Carlos Apache Tribe.

The Healing Haven was an area of respite, relaxation and inner healing for attendees. With all the chaos of grief, there is always the need to find greater balance within. They offered chair massage, Reiki, yoga, meditation, breathing techniques and other aspects of healing.

The more than 100 workshops included both popular repeated sessions and new ones never given before. They included topics such as a candid conversation between a bereaved parent and a bereaved sibling, the impact of traumatic grief on the family structure, step-parents grief, dealing with grief bullies, the power of vulnerability (who am I as a griever), grieving with a spouse who did not raise my child, healing when faith is not an option, digital memory archive of your child, child dying from a medical error, learning to laugh after loss, and military and public safety loss.

Keynote speakers included Barry Kluger, who is trying to get passed the Farley-Kluger Initiative to allow grieving parents up to 12 weeks of leave from their jobs (now it is only 5 days); Nivia Vazquez, from Puerto Rico and Steve Fugate, who crossed America eight times (43,000 miles), walking all the way with a message of  “to mend the broken heart while it is yet beating.”

Grief Beyond Belief

“God has a plan.”

“All things happen for a reason.”

“God never asks of us more than we can bear.”

“He is in a better place.”

“God needed another angel.”

If you are a religious or spiritual believer, these statements are not allowed in an online Facebook page or the closed Facebook group called “Grief Beyond Belief.” In 2011, Rebecca Hensler, founded the group, devoted to faith-free grief support. 

According to Rebecca, this group would rather hear phrases like “I’m so sorry,” “I’m thinking of you,” or “We think of your daughter often.” Comments should be compassionate and respectful of other members. She says that if  your opinion or experience differs from that of another participant, describe your own experience or opinion, rather than criticizing those of others.

The site, according to Rebecca, is to provide support for all kinds of loss: children, siblings, parents, and even pets. Rebecca lost her 3-month old son Jude in 2009. He was born with a birth defect and did not survive.

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The aim of Grief Beyond Belief is to facilitate peer-to-peer grief support for atheists, Humanists, and other Freethinkers by providing spaces free of religion, spiritualism, mysticism, and evangelism in which to share sorrow and offer the comfort of rational compassion.

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She found that most grief organizations such as Compassionate Friends, depending where you live and who is the head of it, may expound on life after death and seeing your loved one again. Rebecca was looking to create support for anyone grieving who doesn’t believe in God. Religious or spiritual content is not permitted anywhere on this site.

Opinions expressed on the site are those of individual atheist bloggers only. One blogger said that she was afraid to offend someone who did believe. If a child had survived a car accident, some might call it a “miracle” and a testament to the power of prayer. If the child died, it would be just part of “God’s mysterious ways.” Then the blogger realized that ignoring her being offended was ridiculous. Bloggers believe no one should be offended because they believe differently than those who are religious. Everyone has a right to believe what they want, according to Rebecca.

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The purpose of this site, according to Rebecca, is to provide mutual support. Comments should be compassionate and respectful of other members.

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Grief Beyond Belief is about peer to peer grief support. The group volunteers send out links to articles; people may comment, and those grieving can comment or write in for support. The closed Facebook group, which you must join, has 2,508 members. Blogs are written by supporters, and Rebecca travels around the country speaking to free-thought organizations on grieving as a non-believer, secular grief support and related topics. Articles on what the group does have appeared in USA Today, Culture Wars Radio and the Thinking Atheist podcasts.

The group does not provide professional grief counseling but can refer you to a specialist. They stress they do not endorse anyone in particular or receive any type of benefit from doing this. They are just trying to help.

Rebecca is a middle-school counselor in San Francisco with a BA in political activism and an MS in counseling. She currently lives in the Bay Area.

Resources for the Bereaved

For those looking for specific resources to help with your grief journey, here are eight of many I recommend in my second book, “Creating a New Normal, After the Death of a Child.” If you have the book, you will find general bereavement support groups, specific bereavement support groups, web site support and chat rooms. Call them for more information or google the group.

First Candle: is a non-profit coalition of organizations dedicated to understanding the causes and prevention of stillbirths, including miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. Their mission is to raise awareness, educate on recommended precautionary practices and facilitate research on the prevention of stillbirth. Phone number is 1-800-221-7437

Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation is for parent support of children who have or who have had any form of cancer. It is worldwide; there are no dues; they do have a monthly newsletter. Their philosophy is that “It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.” Phone number is 301-962-3520

SIDS. The National Sudden Infant Death Foundation helps parents deal with the shock and grief of losing their babies to SIDS and connects those parents. It provides information and counseling services and has a bimonthly free newsletter. Phone number is 301-322-2620

TAPS. Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors offers peer support and assists survivors who have lost a loved on in the line of military duty. They also have a national magazine published during the year with interesting stories of hope and survival. In the summer, they sponsor a “good grief” camp for children who lost a parent or sibling. Phone number is 1-800-959-TAPS

I also recommend web site bereavement support with organizations such as:

Angel Moms that chat daily, sharing tears and laughter. Through their pain, these mothers have bonded together to offer each other love, support and understanding, something we all need.

MISS- Mothers in Support and Sympathy is an organization with the mission of providing a safe haven for parents to share their grief after the death of a child. The emphasis is on support for the entire family.

Virtual Memorials creates memorials that celebrate the lives and personalities of those who have died. It also provides a place where these cherished images and biographies will have a permanent home.

The Grief Warehouse is for parents who are coping with the death of their child. The goal is to be a warehouse of information and personal experiences…a place where you can come, gather ideas, and share what worked for you on your journey of grief.

Grief Books Help

As I’ve said many times to many people, reading grief books helped me more than anything else to get me through my loss. Understand that this grief journey is never-ending. Your heart will always hurt and have a lasting hole in it, but learning to live with this grief is the point that we should all hopefully get to.

All these grief books have good ideas for the bereaved. And they are a healthy way through both the good and bad days you will have. Coping is the key to moving on. What better way is it to escape from all your problems than to read what someone else has to say on the subject. You don’t have to agree with everything said. Even if you get one good idea to help, it has been worth your time and effort. If you get 10 ideas, your heart will lift in your chest and if you get 25 ideas, you have gotten more than most people will get in a lifetime. Best of all, you feel less alone, discovering that others feel the exact same way you do. Reading grief books doesn’t have to be depressing. If you can feel what it’s like to laugh again from what someone says in addition to getting advice, the adage “laughter is the best medicine” will be beneficial to you.

The first book I read was “No Time For Goodbyes” by Janice Lord. I was lucky. I immediately could relate to these mothers and fathers. Most of what they said, I also said to myself. For example, Ms Lord says that we will never forget what happened to our loved one, so not to worry about that. She adds that we will be sorry not to share life with him or her, but in time, we’ll remember the happy memories more easily than the painful ones. It was comforting to read this and many of her other thoughts, and I realized that if I kept reading grief books, that would be my salvation.

I never took one drug to help me through the tough times. I believe all that does is hide your problems for a short while. I don’t drink alcohol or smoke, and I didn’t food binge. I now try to lead an active, healthy lifestyle and it has paid off in more ways than one.

As an author myself, I began to gather thoughts, ideas from others, do interviews and realized I was getting enough material to write a book to help others, in fact two books. I often hear from those who have read my books and tell me how much the books have helped them. That, to me, is the best part of being an author, the feedback you get for all the effort you have put into it. Many bereaved parents have turned to writing their story and it has been a good exercise to help them on their grief journey.

Upcoming Summer Events

TAPS is holding their 22^nd annual national military survivor seminar May 27-30 in Arlington, Virginia. It is a time of connection, reflection and inspiration as survivors share their grief journeys. They have many events going on. The Good Grief Camp for children is full but a wait list is available. They have launched a mobile app which can be downloaded to your mobil device. Through the app, you can access events, session schedules, seminars and information about off-site activities. For first time attendees, TAPS is hosting four online video chats prior to the seminar. You can register for this by sending an email to kellie@taps.org and receive a link to attend the chat. Finally, they will be launching an online blog for Memorial Day weekend and invites you to share your story. Send the stories to chelsea@taps.org by May 13. You can also share a photo or short video or a memory or note with them on social media by using the hashtag #GratefulNation. TAPS also has information on new care groups, running with team TAPS racers, and online peer groups. This is a valuable organization for all military survivors.

Bereaved Parents USA’s conference is July 1-3 at the Wyndham Indianapolis West Hotel in Indianapolis, IN. Hotel rate is $105. Mail a photo of your child in advance for a slideshow and candlelight ceremony. Bring more than one photo to make items in memory of your child. Love in Motion, a choir that does sign language to music will be featured. Many workshops for both childless parents and those with surviving children will be held

Compassionate Friends is holding their national conference this year in Scottsdale, AZ at the Fairmont Scottsdale Princess Hotel July 8-10. Registration is $90. Events such as workshops, sharing sessions, a butterfly wonderland trip, evening events, and a special visit from Olivia Newton John, Amy Sky and Beth Nielsen Chapman highlight the event. Workshops will be held each day for both childless parents and those with surviving children. Check with the hotel for room rates and availability.

Parents of Murdered Children Conference will hold their 30^th national conference July 21-24 at the Sheraton Lake Buena Vista Resort in Orlando, FL. The conference is designed for families and friends of those who have died by violence. It is a weekend of workshops, motivational speakers, sharing and interacting. It is open to all survivors, advocates, criminal justice professionals, legislators, victim service providers, educators and anyone interested in victim justice. Rooms are $99 per night which includes a resort fee of $19.95. Registration includes most meals, conference memorial book and a tote.