Rituals are part of life. When your child dies, they become even more important. For myself, I have a few rituals I follow to honor and remember my daughter. Today will be one of them.
Each time I leave town for more than just a weekend, as I will very soon, I go to the cemetery to see Marcy and clean off her grave. It makes me feel good. No one else cleans it like I do, and I always want it to shine and look good in case others come by to visit and pay their respects. I bring a scrapper to scrap off the accumulated dirt and calcium that forms from rain and watering the area. I bring a brush to get into the embedded words on the stone. And I bring a cloth to wash and wipe it clean. Then I place new white silk flowers in the soft ground around the stone, the same type of flowers that her wedding bouquet was made of. It stays like that for about 3 months maximum, depending on weather conditions. I’ve noticed other stones in the cemetery look worn, old, and covered with mud. Obviously, many of these stones are not cared for by relatives or even friends. I am so tempted sometimes to go around and just wipe them, so that next to Marcy’s they will look good, but the thought eventually passes. I have asked my husband, then Marcy’s best friend (in that order) to take care of the stone after I am gone. It is important to me. Other occasions I definitely go to the cemetery are on her birthday and death date.
Her birthday is a simple affair. In addition to going to the cemetery, we go out for dinner to a nice restaurant, toast her life and wish she was here with us. I know some of her friends have done the same thing.
On Marcy’s death date I light a 24 hour candle and say a prayer, then go to the cemetery. Later in the day I take out the few boxes and look at what I have left of her life: the awards, the writings, the photos and the wonderful stories friends wrote about her and gave to me. I like reminiscing and thinking of all the joy she brought to me and others in her 27 years.
On her wedding anniversary my ritual is to take out the video of her wedding and watch it. Of course, she will never grow old or look old, but I do often wonder how she would look now as I watch it. I love seeing her personality and sense of humor shine though as she speaks on the video. Watching it always leaves me sad, and for days I think of nothing else. But it is something I must do to keep her close. A close friend of hers also gave me a composite video of the last few years of her life that I watch. It is beautiful. Those two videos are the only videos I have of her.
My rituals are simple, yet they satisfy me as best they can. Each of you can do whatever helps you remember, with love, your special child
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Embracing Valentine's Day
Valentine’s Day, a day for love, a day to celebrate with those you love. Valentine’s Day, another holiday to remember your child, who can no longer celebrate with you. It is a difficult day for all of us who grieve the loss of our child or children.
So I say, embrace Valentine’s Day as a special day to commemorate your child and celebrate your love for him or her. Death may end our child’s life, but it does not end the relationship we had and still have. Bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared with our child will never die either.
What can we do to celebrate this day? I am a writer and what better thing to do but write about my child. I can do a poem, an anecdote, a letter, a song, or a story about something memorable she did for me on Valentine’s Day.
My daughter Marcy never forgot to give me a card. Nor did she ever let her Dad forget. She then had to check out not only the card he bought but also the gift as well. A stamp of approval meant we could all go out for dinner to celebrate. I wish I had kept all the cards she gave me. I only have a few. Usually they were cute cards with a touch of humor, while her father’s cards were more on the romantic side.
Another thing you can do is to go on a short trip to a special location you both loved. I remember one year Valentine’s Day fell on a weekend, as it does this year, so we all went to romantic Sedona, AZ, to celebrate with Marcy and her boyfriend at the time. I have gone back to Sedona on special occasions and immerse myself in the healing power of remembrance.
This Valentine’s Day, light a special candle for your child. Perhaps do it every Valentine’s Day and continue that tradition as you remember the good times you shared. Or make it a holiday where you decide since it is February and arbor day is around the corner, why not plant a tree at your child’s school this year and why not every year.
Talk about your child to anyone who will listen. You will find that people do care and do remember him or her. They may even contribute to the conversation as to something they, too, remember about the child. It will not only surprise you but also please you as well that your child is not forgotten. Recently, I have had that experience and it lifts my day every time.
Volunteer some time to an organization that could use your help. Do it in honor of your child. It could be a child-related organization, a pet organization (if your child had special pets), or any local hospice group. Doing something good for others can help ease your pain.
Creating and practicing personal grief traditions are good for you, particularly if your memories are all positive ones and leave you with a smile or laugh or giggle. These rituals do not mean you have not moved on with your life. They are part of your life as you now live it…without your child.
So I say, embrace Valentine’s Day as a special day to commemorate your child and celebrate your love for him or her. Death may end our child’s life, but it does not end the relationship we had and still have. Bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared with our child will never die either.
What can we do to celebrate this day? I am a writer and what better thing to do but write about my child. I can do a poem, an anecdote, a letter, a song, or a story about something memorable she did for me on Valentine’s Day.
My daughter Marcy never forgot to give me a card. Nor did she ever let her Dad forget. She then had to check out not only the card he bought but also the gift as well. A stamp of approval meant we could all go out for dinner to celebrate. I wish I had kept all the cards she gave me. I only have a few. Usually they were cute cards with a touch of humor, while her father’s cards were more on the romantic side.
Another thing you can do is to go on a short trip to a special location you both loved. I remember one year Valentine’s Day fell on a weekend, as it does this year, so we all went to romantic Sedona, AZ, to celebrate with Marcy and her boyfriend at the time. I have gone back to Sedona on special occasions and immerse myself in the healing power of remembrance.
This Valentine’s Day, light a special candle for your child. Perhaps do it every Valentine’s Day and continue that tradition as you remember the good times you shared. Or make it a holiday where you decide since it is February and arbor day is around the corner, why not plant a tree at your child’s school this year and why not every year.
Talk about your child to anyone who will listen. You will find that people do care and do remember him or her. They may even contribute to the conversation as to something they, too, remember about the child. It will not only surprise you but also please you as well that your child is not forgotten. Recently, I have had that experience and it lifts my day every time.
Volunteer some time to an organization that could use your help. Do it in honor of your child. It could be a child-related organization, a pet organization (if your child had special pets), or any local hospice group. Doing something good for others can help ease your pain.
Creating and practicing personal grief traditions are good for you, particularly if your memories are all positive ones and leave you with a smile or laugh or giggle. These rituals do not mean you have not moved on with your life. They are part of your life as you now live it…without your child.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Comfort
Time heals…she is in a better place…she is still with you…you should exercise every day…there, now, don’t you feel better. No, I don’t, and neither do you if you have lost a child. Our grief is with us always and there is nothing that will make it go away or make us forget. We will always be devastated, but eventually we learn to live again.
In her newest book, Comfort, Ann Hood takes us on a journey with her 5-year-old daughter, Grace, who died suddenly from strep throat, a journey for Hood that will no doubt last a lifetime. She pours out her heart to us, tells us exactly how she feels and what she thinks of all the platitudes from friends and family who have no clue. Hood searched for comfort and eventually found it at a time when none seemed possible. What she didn’t realize was how grief and unforgettable love would change her life and give her hope once again.
The simplistic way she shows her courage by taking up the pen once again and putting these thoughts into words to reveal her climb out of the abyss, is pure magic.
I felt myself agreeing with everything she said and did. I also felt myself going back in time and thinking about how I handled various situations. I remember a friend saying to me, with a catch in her throat, a few months after my daughter died, “How are you doing?” “I’m fine,” I answered immediately without even thinking about what she said. She looked at me sternly. “You are not fine, and don’t tell me you are,” she admonished me. I looked at her, and with the realization of someone who had just made a rote statement without even thinking, said, “You’re right; I’m not fine.” From that moment on, when asked that question by others, my response has always been, “I’m doing the best I can at the moment.” With Hood you can identify with her joys and her sorrows and, in the end, you want to stand up and cheer.
As Hood suggests, one cannot make sense out of losing a child and writing about it. Losing a child is incomprehensible. She and I can try to help bereaved parents in many ways by offering advice or techniques that have been tried, but in the end, it is hard to imagine that we have done any good. Hopefully, we have, but the reality is that the child is dead and nothing we write about or do can change that.
I, like Hood, can only say that someday, be it 1 year, 3 years, 5 years or longer, parents will be able to move on, but their hearts will always be broken and there will be times when the grief is overwhelming. Read this book to realize you are not alone in what you feel, say or do after losing a child.
In her newest book, Comfort, Ann Hood takes us on a journey with her 5-year-old daughter, Grace, who died suddenly from strep throat, a journey for Hood that will no doubt last a lifetime. She pours out her heart to us, tells us exactly how she feels and what she thinks of all the platitudes from friends and family who have no clue. Hood searched for comfort and eventually found it at a time when none seemed possible. What she didn’t realize was how grief and unforgettable love would change her life and give her hope once again.
The simplistic way she shows her courage by taking up the pen once again and putting these thoughts into words to reveal her climb out of the abyss, is pure magic.
I felt myself agreeing with everything she said and did. I also felt myself going back in time and thinking about how I handled various situations. I remember a friend saying to me, with a catch in her throat, a few months after my daughter died, “How are you doing?” “I’m fine,” I answered immediately without even thinking about what she said. She looked at me sternly. “You are not fine, and don’t tell me you are,” she admonished me. I looked at her, and with the realization of someone who had just made a rote statement without even thinking, said, “You’re right; I’m not fine.” From that moment on, when asked that question by others, my response has always been, “I’m doing the best I can at the moment.” With Hood you can identify with her joys and her sorrows and, in the end, you want to stand up and cheer.
As Hood suggests, one cannot make sense out of losing a child and writing about it. Losing a child is incomprehensible. She and I can try to help bereaved parents in many ways by offering advice or techniques that have been tried, but in the end, it is hard to imagine that we have done any good. Hopefully, we have, but the reality is that the child is dead and nothing we write about or do can change that.
I, like Hood, can only say that someday, be it 1 year, 3 years, 5 years or longer, parents will be able to move on, but their hearts will always be broken and there will be times when the grief is overwhelming. Read this book to realize you are not alone in what you feel, say or do after losing a child.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Angel Moms
I found a web site bereaved mothers may be interested in looking at and even joining. The site is www.angelmoms.com .
Through their pain, these mothers have bonded together to offer each other love, support and understanding, something we all need. Their email group of moms chats daily, sharing tears and laughter.
As I opened the site, the song “You’ll Never Walk Alone” played in the background. I felt very comfortable and comforted looking at this lovely site and reading about what they have done for each other and for others out there, not even members.
If you read about their beginnings, a few mothers who had connected and formed an email group has grown to way over 200 members. “Nothing can take away the pain of losing a child," they say, "but being able to share it with others who know and understand your pain helps.”
Angel Moms come from all walks of life, have lost children of all ages, to different causes and are at different stages of grief, but their loss bonds them together like nothing else can. “We joke a lot, we cry a lot; we do things together; we can talk or just listen…we are here for each other,” says Judi Walker, one of the founders.
On their web site you can find a list of their members, how the children died and their death dates, newsletters they have written (with information, poetry and writings from other bereaved moms), acts of kindnesses done by these moms for others, and their meeting times (if you live in the area). If not, conferences have also been held where moms come together from all over to share their lives and that of their children. And, of course, there is email to connect everyone. Guidelines for the group are also on the site.
Judy Walker wrote a beautiful poem in memory of her son Shane and all the other children who have left this world. I used the words at a candle lighting ceremony at a national childless conference I was in charge of a few years ago in Scottsdale, AZ, and have never forgotten them. I hope you all at your own special time and place light a candle for your child and relive the wonderful memories. I share this poem with you and hope you will look at the site for further information.
I Light This Candle
I light this candle in memory of you.
My life, my child, my heart,
May it shine bright and true,
As you did from the start.
In it’s flickering flame I see,
The life we shared together,
The love and wonderful memories,
That I’ll carry with me forever.
I light this candle in memory of you.
I look up to the Heavens where you are,
I see the lights of Heaven shining bright too,
But your candle shines brighter than the brightest star.
My child, you are still so much a part of me,
Even though you are no longer here.
You live on in my heart where you will always be,
No matter what, I will always keep you there.
On this special night I light this candle for you,
And I hope every one who sees it will know,
How very special you are, how much you are loved and missed too,
And will remember you with me when they see its golden glow…
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Old Friends Never Forget
A few months back I wrote about an email I received from Marcy’s first boyfriend, telling me how much he cared for Marcy. This week I received another email, from a good friend of my daughter from 25 years ago, who has been trying to find me for many years (she had only my former married last name and didn’t know I had remarried). She was finally able to get my email. She had heard about Marcy’s car accident years before and through her tears was writing to me. “Some friendships,” she said, “can not be forgotten.” I, too, was very friendly with her mother and somehow, as happens at times, we lost track of each other.
I called my daughter’s friend immediately and we talked for a while. My daughter would have been 42 this year, and it is hard to picture her friend as 42, married and worrying about her child serving in Iraq. She spoke of her mom and when we finished, I anxiously called her. Time melted away, and it was as if we had just spoken the day before, not 20 years ago. It seems she, too, changed her name when she remarried and that is why I could not find her. We plan to get together soon. It is so hard to believe we have lived in the same city all these years and never bumped into each other. What we did discover was that we have mutual friends that we are both friendly with. We believe we’ll have a lot to talk about and catch up on when we meet, and hopefully, I will never lose track of her again as we grow old together.
I can’t wait to bring my friend and her daughter the book I wrote about surviving grief, and show them precious pictures of Marcy, as we laugh at the antics of both Marcy and her daughter in their teens. I’m sure she’ll also share memories and some of her photos.
What happiness it brings to my heart to know that after all this time, Marcy’s friends still bring me joy by staying in touch and remembering her. I was right all along. She will never be forgotten by me, and it is such a comfort to know that her memory will live in the hearts of others as well.
I called my daughter’s friend immediately and we talked for a while. My daughter would have been 42 this year, and it is hard to picture her friend as 42, married and worrying about her child serving in Iraq. She spoke of her mom and when we finished, I anxiously called her. Time melted away, and it was as if we had just spoken the day before, not 20 years ago. It seems she, too, changed her name when she remarried and that is why I could not find her. We plan to get together soon. It is so hard to believe we have lived in the same city all these years and never bumped into each other. What we did discover was that we have mutual friends that we are both friendly with. We believe we’ll have a lot to talk about and catch up on when we meet, and hopefully, I will never lose track of her again as we grow old together.
I can’t wait to bring my friend and her daughter the book I wrote about surviving grief, and show them precious pictures of Marcy, as we laugh at the antics of both Marcy and her daughter in their teens. I’m sure she’ll also share memories and some of her photos.
What happiness it brings to my heart to know that after all this time, Marcy’s friends still bring me joy by staying in touch and remembering her. I was right all along. She will never be forgotten by me, and it is such a comfort to know that her memory will live in the hearts of others as well.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Famous people lose children too
Actor John Travolta is the latest of famous people to lose a child, his son Jett. The rich and famous are not immuned to this devastation. Actress Mary Tyler Moore, TV star Carroll O’Connor, Senator John Edwards, President John Kennedy, comedian Bill Cosby, and historical figures such as Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain, just to name a few, have all suffered the loss of a child. There are times when all the money and fame in the world can not keep us safe from something like a car accident, an unwelcomed illness, suicide, murder or a drug overdose. Their loss is as great as ours, but they are just more in the spotlight.
The only people who understand the pain that the Travolta’s are going through are parents who have also lost children. Even though some people say they know how you are feeling because they lost a cat or a mother, they have no clue as to what this is all about unless they too have suffered a child’s death.
My front page book endorsement from Stephen Cannell, famous author and TV playwright, told me about losing his teenage son many years ago in a freak beach accident when the castle he was building out of sand collapsed on top of him, suffocating him. Author Danielle Steel, who also endorsed my book, lost one of her nine children to suicide and never saw it coming. A friend of mine lost three children, all to car accidents, one year after the other; he is now childless.
Whether the child was an only child or one of many makes no difference in the intensity of the loss. We love all our children and don’t want anything to happen to any of them. And when it does, it is devastating.
The death of a child is the most painful experience you can ever go through. Children are not supposed to die before the parents. It is not the natural order of things, and so when it happens, we are thrown helter-skelter into a different life, one we wish we didn’t have to go through.
We all feel for the Travolta’s as we do any parent who loses a child. We’d like to help in some way. But there is nothing we can say or do that will make it all go away. The best advice I can give to family members and friends is to just listen. Let the parent talk about their child. Hold their hand. If you want to, cry with them. Fix a meal. Go shopping for them. Invite them out when they are feeling a little better. Show that you care. It’s what you do, not what you say, that’s important.
The pain will never leave these parents, but it will get softer with time. Time is a great healer as the Travolta’s will discover moving through their grief. I, along with many others, wish them the best.
The only people who understand the pain that the Travolta’s are going through are parents who have also lost children. Even though some people say they know how you are feeling because they lost a cat or a mother, they have no clue as to what this is all about unless they too have suffered a child’s death.
My front page book endorsement from Stephen Cannell, famous author and TV playwright, told me about losing his teenage son many years ago in a freak beach accident when the castle he was building out of sand collapsed on top of him, suffocating him. Author Danielle Steel, who also endorsed my book, lost one of her nine children to suicide and never saw it coming. A friend of mine lost three children, all to car accidents, one year after the other; he is now childless.
Whether the child was an only child or one of many makes no difference in the intensity of the loss. We love all our children and don’t want anything to happen to any of them. And when it does, it is devastating.
The death of a child is the most painful experience you can ever go through. Children are not supposed to die before the parents. It is not the natural order of things, and so when it happens, we are thrown helter-skelter into a different life, one we wish we didn’t have to go through.
We all feel for the Travolta’s as we do any parent who loses a child. We’d like to help in some way. But there is nothing we can say or do that will make it all go away. The best advice I can give to family members and friends is to just listen. Let the parent talk about their child. Hold their hand. If you want to, cry with them. Fix a meal. Go shopping for them. Invite them out when they are feeling a little better. Show that you care. It’s what you do, not what you say, that’s important.
The pain will never leave these parents, but it will get softer with time. Time is a great healer as the Travolta’s will discover moving through their grief. I, along with many others, wish them the best.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Conferences for 2009
A new year and a new resolution: to make sure I give you all the information I have on major conferences being held this year for bereaved parents.
May 2009
The Compassionate Friends 5th International Gathering in Buenos Aires, Argentina. This conference will give anyone attending the opportunity for “continuing build bridges of love without borders” and commemorte 40 compassionate years since The Compassionate Friends was founded in Coventry, England, by Reverend Dr. Simon Stephens, who spoke at a recent national conference. See the compassionate friends site for more information: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ .
July 10-12, 2009
Bereaved Parents USA gathering in New York City. This conference will be held at the Crown Plaza Hotel at La Guardia Airport. The theme is "Light My Way." All parents, grandparents and siblings are invited. For additional information contact Diana Roscigno at 2009gathering@bereavedparentsusa.org .
Aug. 7-9, 2009
The 32nd Annual Conference of Compassionate Friends. This conference will be held in Portland, OR. Anyone interested in participating in or giving a workshop can submit their ideas to national office. See their website for more information: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ .
Aug. 20-23, 2009
The 23rd Annual Parents of Murdered Children National Conference. This will be held in Cincinnati, OH, at the Hyatt Regency Hotel. The theme is “Broken Hearts Healing with Help, Hope and Hugs.”Contact Sherry Nolan or Bev Warnock, 513-721-5683 or 888-818-7662 or visit http://www.pomc.org/ for ore complete details.
Alive Alone would appreciate someone stepping forward to sponsor a national conference for parents who have no surviving children, but so far no one has done that for the coming year. If you know of someone who would do a good job, have them contact Kay at http://www.alivealone.org/
In addition, local and regional conferences are held during the year. One I know of so far is March 20-21, 2009 in Frankfort, KY, at the First Christian Church, 316 Ann St. in Frankfort. Conference speakers include Paul Alexander, singer, psychotherapist, author who shares his music and message of hope throughout the U.S. and has worked with hospice and terminally ill children; William Ritter, author and speaker on suicide; Sherry Russell, who works in crisis management; and Alice Wisler who writes and teaches courses on "Writing the Heartache." Workshops include: journaling, after death communications, coping separately together, grief vs. depression, children's grief, coping, and getting through the firsts. A reflection room and butterfly table are available as well as picture buttons and a memory table.
May 2009
The Compassionate Friends 5th International Gathering in Buenos Aires, Argentina. This conference will give anyone attending the opportunity for “continuing build bridges of love without borders” and commemorte 40 compassionate years since The Compassionate Friends was founded in Coventry, England, by Reverend Dr. Simon Stephens, who spoke at a recent national conference. See the compassionate friends site for more information: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ .
July 10-12, 2009
Bereaved Parents USA gathering in New York City. This conference will be held at the Crown Plaza Hotel at La Guardia Airport. The theme is "Light My Way." All parents, grandparents and siblings are invited. For additional information contact Diana Roscigno at 2009gathering@bereavedparentsusa.org .
Aug. 7-9, 2009
The 32nd Annual Conference of Compassionate Friends. This conference will be held in Portland, OR. Anyone interested in participating in or giving a workshop can submit their ideas to national office. See their website for more information: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ .
Aug. 20-23, 2009
The 23rd Annual Parents of Murdered Children National Conference. This will be held in Cincinnati, OH, at the Hyatt Regency Hotel. The theme is “Broken Hearts Healing with Help, Hope and Hugs.”Contact Sherry Nolan or Bev Warnock, 513-721-5683 or 888-818-7662 or visit http://www.pomc.org/ for ore complete details.
Alive Alone would appreciate someone stepping forward to sponsor a national conference for parents who have no surviving children, but so far no one has done that for the coming year. If you know of someone who would do a good job, have them contact Kay at http://www.alivealone.org/
In addition, local and regional conferences are held during the year. One I know of so far is March 20-21, 2009 in Frankfort, KY, at the First Christian Church, 316 Ann St. in Frankfort. Conference speakers include Paul Alexander, singer, psychotherapist, author who shares his music and message of hope throughout the U.S. and has worked with hospice and terminally ill children; William Ritter, author and speaker on suicide; Sherry Russell, who works in crisis management; and Alice Wisler who writes and teaches courses on "Writing the Heartache." Workshops include: journaling, after death communications, coping separately together, grief vs. depression, children's grief, coping, and getting through the firsts. A reflection room and butterfly table are available as well as picture buttons and a memory table.
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