My next three blogs for three weeks will be guest blogs. I hope you enjoy them.
by Chris Mulligan
Learning to “notice” during my first year of grief was more important than anything else in helping me survive my grief. It also provided me a major life lesson. I realized that noticing was the vehicle through which I have come to accept my life experiences as well as be able to move through them and learn from them.
All the major events in my life — those that caused the most pain and eventually precipitated the most growth — have also caused me to reflect upon and recognize that the suffering was present for a reason. I always believed that “everything happens for a reason” and “there are no accidents in life” but these events, these traumas that caused my world to shatter were ultimately the vehicles for my spiritual growth.
I learned to notice during my first year of grief after the Oct. 1, 2000, death of my son Zac. At first, I was unable to notice anything, as I had to move past my denial (of my loss) to be able to even acknowledge that something else in my life was important. I needed to be able to see beyond my pain. Therefore, the first step was to identify that something else (beyond my pain and grief) was still) important in my life. This was the primary goal. Claiming and then accepting that something else into my life were my second and third steps. If I had not learned to claim and accept, I would not be where I am today in the acceptance of my life.
How did I do it? How did I notice, claim and accept? How did Zac’s death demonstrate a major life lesson in my life? I first had to have a historical framework from which to evolve. In the first few months of my grief, I was not able to see beyond the excruciating pain, my depression, my frustration and the view that my life would forever be this abyss of negative being. Time allowed me to crawl up to the top of my pit and gaze beneath into my despair. With eyes that had adjusted to more light, I was able to open to another view of my life.
Finally, I was aware of other persons, places and things in my world. With a wider focus on other stimuli in my environment, I was able to recognize that I had a grief history. With this timeline of pain laid out, I could see and feel changes in me that were not possible in my earlier grief. Slowly I shifted from an egocentric world to an expanded realm beyond my pain. Noticing became a new life focus. I was no longer in constant pain, I could venture out of my inner uncomfortableness, and I allowed outer stimulation to enter my reality.
Observing what was occurring in my world was the first step in my changing through acceptance. The slow process of claiming was necessary in order to reach an acceptance of my life situation. My brain knew my son was dead but now, what did that mean in my life?Yes, I would never see him again. However, how was I to live in this world without him?
Claiming my new life involved much repetition. Zac’s insistence to notice the cows, notice the changing landscape and notice the everyday occurrences in my life solidified my desire to feel, act and be different. I did not want to feel devastated, hopeless, helpless and sad all the rest of my life. I knew I could not live my life like that for long. I had to decide to live differently. I had to decide how to live without him. I consciously chose to accept that he was gone but I gave myself permission to grieve, to have my moments of sadness.
However, I had to move from my despair. Once I claimed that decision, I was actually able to move on and through the many steps of acceptance. Of course, acceptance was not a single event. I have continued addressing this issue for the eight years since his death. It has been a part of my daily life.
Not only have I dealt with the acceptance of Zac’s death on a daily basis but also I have come to realize that I face acceptance in some form or another every day. Unhappiness with the work environment, disagreeing with political decisions, changes in television schedules, opinions concerning environmental issues, taking responsibility for one’s own life choices when facing the consequences, as well as death — all of these call for acceptance.
I learned that I only have control over my life and my choices. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Everything in this world is exactly as it should be. Although we would all like to have our old (pre-grieving) life back, we have to recognize that each of us entered this life with our own purpose and our own goals. I know now that I can only change the way I view my life and myself. Zac will continue to live in a place where I cannot hug him; my mother will soon succumb to her struggle with Alzheimer’s; but I will continue to accept what is and learn from my life experiences. I have learned much about life and living from Zac’s death. With Zac’s help, I have learned to “live what is.”
Chris Mulligan received her BS in Psychology and MS in Clinical, Child, Youth, and Family Work from Western Oregon University. Chris can be reached at cmulligan@comcast.net, or through her website, http://Afterlifebooks.com
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day Cherishes Memories
For a mother who has lost a child, it is undoubtedly one of the worst days of the year. Your child is no longer here to celebrate with you. While most celebrate the joys of parenthood, grieving parents often feel a special anguish. In particular, the mother who has lost her only child may believe she is no longer a mother since her only child has died. Because your child died does not take away that title from you. Rest assured that although your child may not be here on earth with you, you will always be a mother and you should celebrate this holiday as you would if your child were alive.
I recently read a brief history of Mother’s Day as well as getting information on the two women who created it, Julia Ward Howe and Anna Jarvis. Here is some background information.
Julia Ward Howe, writer of The Battle Hymn of the Republic, was the first to conceptualize the first North American Mother’s Day in the late 1800’s. Julia was distraught by the death of so many sons of so many mothers during the War, she called for a mother’s day celebrating peace and motherhood. This lasted approximately 10 years.
It planted the seed for Anna Jarvis to establish the first official Mother’s Day celebration in 1908. Anna never married or had children of her own. She devoted herself to establishing a national Mother’s Day as a way of honoring her beloved mother who died during that time. In Anna’s view, her mother deserved a memorial because she had lived selflessly and endured considerable suffering…seven of her eleven children had died in early childhood. According to historians, Anna’s mother mourned the deaths of her children throughout her life.
Anna insisted that the holiday always fall on a Sunday so that it would retain its spiritual moorings. Because of her efforts, President Woodrow Wilson in 1914 finally proclaimed the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day. Although Anna couldn’t prevent the new holiday from quickly becoming a marketing phenomenon, she did try. Speaking out against the mire of commercialization that threatened to engulf Mother’s Day, Anna attempted to preserve her creation as a true holy day, a time for solemn reflection and prayer. She was arrested and landed in jail at times. As with most holidays during the year: Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving, sometimes we forget the true meaning behind them and Anna didn’t want that to happen. When she died 40 countries were celebrating Mother’s Day and now it has spread throughout the world, albeit very commercialized.
Mother’s Day was borne of a daughter’s grief and love. More importantly, it was intended as a tribute to a bereaved mother…a brave woman who lost multiple children, but who managed to live with an abiding kindness and generosity toward others. There are many women today who continue to have meaningful lives in the face of unthinkable loss.
Mother’s Day symbolizes both the joy and the vulnerability inherent in parenthood. From the moment a child is born, hope and the possibility of tragedy go hand in hand. Anna’s mother understood the fragility of life.
For Anna, Mother’s Day was a time for quiet reflection and the sharing of cherished memories. I believe that is what the day means to all bereaved parents. Happy Mother’s Day to all.
In your gathering of memories,
invite your courage
to remember
everything.
Sascha
I recently read a brief history of Mother’s Day as well as getting information on the two women who created it, Julia Ward Howe and Anna Jarvis. Here is some background information.
Julia Ward Howe, writer of The Battle Hymn of the Republic, was the first to conceptualize the first North American Mother’s Day in the late 1800’s. Julia was distraught by the death of so many sons of so many mothers during the War, she called for a mother’s day celebrating peace and motherhood. This lasted approximately 10 years.
It planted the seed for Anna Jarvis to establish the first official Mother’s Day celebration in 1908. Anna never married or had children of her own. She devoted herself to establishing a national Mother’s Day as a way of honoring her beloved mother who died during that time. In Anna’s view, her mother deserved a memorial because she had lived selflessly and endured considerable suffering…seven of her eleven children had died in early childhood. According to historians, Anna’s mother mourned the deaths of her children throughout her life.
Anna insisted that the holiday always fall on a Sunday so that it would retain its spiritual moorings. Because of her efforts, President Woodrow Wilson in 1914 finally proclaimed the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day. Although Anna couldn’t prevent the new holiday from quickly becoming a marketing phenomenon, she did try. Speaking out against the mire of commercialization that threatened to engulf Mother’s Day, Anna attempted to preserve her creation as a true holy day, a time for solemn reflection and prayer. She was arrested and landed in jail at times. As with most holidays during the year: Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving, sometimes we forget the true meaning behind them and Anna didn’t want that to happen. When she died 40 countries were celebrating Mother’s Day and now it has spread throughout the world, albeit very commercialized.
Mother’s Day was borne of a daughter’s grief and love. More importantly, it was intended as a tribute to a bereaved mother…a brave woman who lost multiple children, but who managed to live with an abiding kindness and generosity toward others. There are many women today who continue to have meaningful lives in the face of unthinkable loss.
Mother’s Day symbolizes both the joy and the vulnerability inherent in parenthood. From the moment a child is born, hope and the possibility of tragedy go hand in hand. Anna’s mother understood the fragility of life.
For Anna, Mother’s Day was a time for quiet reflection and the sharing of cherished memories. I believe that is what the day means to all bereaved parents. Happy Mother’s Day to all.
In your gathering of memories,
invite your courage
to remember
everything.
Sascha
Sunday, May 3, 2009
What To Do To Help Bereaved Parents
There are many things that can be done to help bereaved parents cope. You may have a friend who is just starting out on his or her grief journey, and it is hard enough for them to just get out of bed in the morning. They don’t need any platitudes from you (see last blog). They need comfort; they need you to see that they make it through the day. With your help, they will. Here are some of the things you can do for them.
**Send a sympathy card or note to the parents, saying how sorry you are and including a happy anecdote you remember about the child. Remembering good times is what you want to stress with these parents.
**If in the same town as the parents, go over to their home and give the parents big hugs. Say nothing or just say, “I’m sorry.” There is nothing more soothing or meaningful to a bereaved parent when they don’t have to explain anything and know you understand what they are going through.
**Cry with the bereaved parent. Parents may have trouble letting go, so you can show them others feel as they do and want to relieve a buildup of emotions.
**Offer to help them with daily tasks when visiting. They may need you to shop for them or go to the cleaners or pick up their other children from school.
**Take the parents to lunch. Getting them out of the house into a different environment is healthy.
**Let the parents talk if they want to. Most parents don’t want their child to be forgotten and talking about them relieves that fear. Acknowledge the child yourself by remembering an event or moment you were involved in with the child or you have heard the parents speak of before
.
**Attend the child’s memorial service or encourage the parents to have one for the child. A service will allow friends and family to also speak of the child and relive good times.
**Respect a parent’s grieving time. For some bereaved parents a few months, a year or even longer is needed to reconnect with the world. Give them that time, but be there for them no matter how long it takes.
**Accept that the parents are different. When such a tragedy happens, it changes us. We become different people with different priorities and goals. What was once important to us may no longer have any meaning.
**Make sure the parents take care of themselves physically. See that they get exercise. Have them join you on a walk; invite them out to eat a good meal; encourage them to try to get enough sleep and stay healthy.
**Try to remember the child’s birthday with a call or card. The parents will never forget, and it will show the them their child was important to others also.
**Encourage the parents to seek a support group to help them get through this if you think they would be receptive to such an idea.
**When you feel enough time has passed, try to get the parents to start a scholarship in the child’s name, plant a tree at his/her school or give to charity in his/her name. Building memorials for the child will help others remember them also.
**Send a sympathy card or note to the parents, saying how sorry you are and including a happy anecdote you remember about the child. Remembering good times is what you want to stress with these parents.
**If in the same town as the parents, go over to their home and give the parents big hugs. Say nothing or just say, “I’m sorry.” There is nothing more soothing or meaningful to a bereaved parent when they don’t have to explain anything and know you understand what they are going through.
**Cry with the bereaved parent. Parents may have trouble letting go, so you can show them others feel as they do and want to relieve a buildup of emotions.
**Offer to help them with daily tasks when visiting. They may need you to shop for them or go to the cleaners or pick up their other children from school.
**Take the parents to lunch. Getting them out of the house into a different environment is healthy.
**Let the parents talk if they want to. Most parents don’t want their child to be forgotten and talking about them relieves that fear. Acknowledge the child yourself by remembering an event or moment you were involved in with the child or you have heard the parents speak of before
.
**Attend the child’s memorial service or encourage the parents to have one for the child. A service will allow friends and family to also speak of the child and relive good times.
**Respect a parent’s grieving time. For some bereaved parents a few months, a year or even longer is needed to reconnect with the world. Give them that time, but be there for them no matter how long it takes.
**Accept that the parents are different. When such a tragedy happens, it changes us. We become different people with different priorities and goals. What was once important to us may no longer have any meaning.
**Make sure the parents take care of themselves physically. See that they get exercise. Have them join you on a walk; invite them out to eat a good meal; encourage them to try to get enough sleep and stay healthy.
**Try to remember the child’s birthday with a call or card. The parents will never forget, and it will show the them their child was important to others also.
**Encourage the parents to seek a support group to help them get through this if you think they would be receptive to such an idea.
**When you feel enough time has passed, try to get the parents to start a scholarship in the child’s name, plant a tree at his/her school or give to charity in his/her name. Building memorials for the child will help others remember them also.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
What NOT To Say To Bereaved Parents
When on your grief journey, you may hear people say things to you that are not appropriate at all. Perhaps that person was only trying to comfort you or has never lost a child and has no idea what you are feeling or going through. Certain phrases and sentences to others may seem like a way to show they care and are thinking about you, but all it really does is make you mad.
Some of those phrases and my reactions (in italic type) to myself or others include:
“Your child is in a better place.” No, she’s not. She should be right here with me.
“Aren’t you over it yet?” I’ll never get over this. In time I may be able to learn to live with the loss, but I’ll never get over it completely, nor will I ever forget.
“I know how you feel. My dog died last year.” Please don’t compare your dog to my child. You may have loved your dog very much, but a dog is not a human being, born and nurtured from your body
“You can have more children.” Maybe I can, maybe I can’t; maybe I can’t bear the thought of ever going through this again, but having another child would not be to replace the one I lost.
“God never gives you more than you can bear.” Why did God do this to me at all? Am I being punished for some reason?
“Time will heal your hurt.” Time may ease the pain somewhat, but heal me completely?
Never! I will always ache for my child and what we have both lost
.
“I understand.” No you don’t, unless you have also lost a child. Nothing compares. A child should never die before a parent.
“At least she isn’t suffering.” She is suffering. I am suffering. She had so much more living to do, things to accomplish. No matter what would have happened to her physically, she would have dealt with it and continued living a full life.
“Crying won’t bring her back.” Crying is a healthy emotion to cleanse your body physically and mentally. No, I won’t get her back, but to hold back emotions is known to cause more damage. If I want to scream and rant, that is okay also.
“It’s time to get rid of her clothes and belongings.” When I feel it is the right time I’ll take some action. It could be a month, a year or even 5 years. I will do it in my own time. I will never get rid of everything. There are some items I could never part with.
Be patient with these people and don’t let these common phrases get to you. DO try to let others know what you personally think is not appropriate to say to a bereaved parent, whether it is you or someone else.
Note: In my next blog, I’ll tell you what I believe is helpful for parents on a grief journey and what those who are friends and relatives should try to do for the bereaved.
Some of those phrases and my reactions (in italic type) to myself or others include:
“Your child is in a better place.” No, she’s not. She should be right here with me.
“Aren’t you over it yet?” I’ll never get over this. In time I may be able to learn to live with the loss, but I’ll never get over it completely, nor will I ever forget.
“I know how you feel. My dog died last year.” Please don’t compare your dog to my child. You may have loved your dog very much, but a dog is not a human being, born and nurtured from your body
“You can have more children.” Maybe I can, maybe I can’t; maybe I can’t bear the thought of ever going through this again, but having another child would not be to replace the one I lost.
“God never gives you more than you can bear.” Why did God do this to me at all? Am I being punished for some reason?
“Time will heal your hurt.” Time may ease the pain somewhat, but heal me completely?
Never! I will always ache for my child and what we have both lost
.
“I understand.” No you don’t, unless you have also lost a child. Nothing compares. A child should never die before a parent.
“At least she isn’t suffering.” She is suffering. I am suffering. She had so much more living to do, things to accomplish. No matter what would have happened to her physically, she would have dealt with it and continued living a full life.
“Crying won’t bring her back.” Crying is a healthy emotion to cleanse your body physically and mentally. No, I won’t get her back, but to hold back emotions is known to cause more damage. If I want to scream and rant, that is okay also.
“It’s time to get rid of her clothes and belongings.” When I feel it is the right time I’ll take some action. It could be a month, a year or even 5 years. I will do it in my own time. I will never get rid of everything. There are some items I could never part with.
Be patient with these people and don’t let these common phrases get to you. DO try to let others know what you personally think is not appropriate to say to a bereaved parent, whether it is you or someone else.
Note: In my next blog, I’ll tell you what I believe is helpful for parents on a grief journey and what those who are friends and relatives should try to do for the bereaved.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
New Song Helps Bereaved Families
If your family has suffered the death of a loved one and needs support dealing with the pain and the grief journey, an organization called NEW SONG, started in the Phoenix, Arizona, area provides nurturing support for grieving children and their families.
It also offers comprehensive grief education for volunteers and professionals and is hoping to be nationally recognized as a model grief support and training program whose purpose is to restore hope to children and those who love them. Volunteers have had over 25 hours of classroom and 20 hours of mentor-led training to facilitate, under the direction of professional staff.
This non-profit, non-denominational organization started in 1990 and providing the following services: support groups for grieving children ages 5 through 18 and their families, referrals to other community agencies, child-specific grief training for volunteers and education for caregivers, mental health professionals, clergy and the community at large. Support for the program comes from individual donations, foundations, organizations, businesses, churches and synagogues.
Because a child’s response to death is different from an adult’s, New Song Center focuses on the unique needs of children and their families in grief. While children are supported through art and play techniques, New Song Center helps adults learn how to support and parent their grieving children as well as help themselves. Each family learns how to work through their pain, share memories and go on living without the loved one who died.
One of my friends, Sandi Howlett, a bereavement specialist for Hansen’s Mortuary in Phoenix and speaker for Hospice, has been very involved with this organization since 2003. She says the children are divided into separate groups: ages 5-7, 8-10, 11-12 and teens. Parents and caregivers (grandparents, aunts and uncles) are in a separate group as are young adults from 18-26 who come on their own. There is an orientation program which the whole family comes to and then they divide into groups. They are also required to come to one monthly program where they do family projects.
An evening at New Song would go like this: you would arrive at 6:30 p.m., have pizza all together (It’s always pizza, Sandi says), hear announcements and then divide up into respective groups for an hour or so, come back together, light a candle in honor or memory of those who died, sing a few songs and finally get in a circle to say good-byes for the evening. The groups meet twice a month from August to the end of June.
Sandi explained that age specific exercises are done during the meeting time periods geared at accepting experiences, feelings, memories and playing out things using art, music, puppetry, journaling and discussions. With the adults it’s having a place to talk and discussing what it’s like being a parent in a grieving home.
After a death in the family, adults are sometime too involved in their own personal grief to respond adequately to the needs of a child. The family unit may be thrown into turmoil. Because children deal with powerful emotions differently than adults, their grief may go unrecognized. Their depression, fear, guilt and anger may be acted out and labeled as behavioral problems in the home and school, instead of being seen for what it is, a reaction to the death of a loved one.
With New Song, a child is your ticket in and that child needs to be at least 5 years old. If you are an adult with no children, you can not come. It is a family dynamic organization.
“When a family leaves New Song, they are not the same family as when they first came,” she told me. “It can take many years, depending on the type of death. As time moves on you progress to a new level. It is a special time when you find a moment you can smile and appreciate the sunlight and not feel guilty about it.”
It is my hope that this organization will be the inspiration for similar organization forming throughout the U.S. to help bereaved families.
It also offers comprehensive grief education for volunteers and professionals and is hoping to be nationally recognized as a model grief support and training program whose purpose is to restore hope to children and those who love them. Volunteers have had over 25 hours of classroom and 20 hours of mentor-led training to facilitate, under the direction of professional staff.
This non-profit, non-denominational organization started in 1990 and providing the following services: support groups for grieving children ages 5 through 18 and their families, referrals to other community agencies, child-specific grief training for volunteers and education for caregivers, mental health professionals, clergy and the community at large. Support for the program comes from individual donations, foundations, organizations, businesses, churches and synagogues.
Because a child’s response to death is different from an adult’s, New Song Center focuses on the unique needs of children and their families in grief. While children are supported through art and play techniques, New Song Center helps adults learn how to support and parent their grieving children as well as help themselves. Each family learns how to work through their pain, share memories and go on living without the loved one who died.
One of my friends, Sandi Howlett, a bereavement specialist for Hansen’s Mortuary in Phoenix and speaker for Hospice, has been very involved with this organization since 2003. She says the children are divided into separate groups: ages 5-7, 8-10, 11-12 and teens. Parents and caregivers (grandparents, aunts and uncles) are in a separate group as are young adults from 18-26 who come on their own. There is an orientation program which the whole family comes to and then they divide into groups. They are also required to come to one monthly program where they do family projects.
An evening at New Song would go like this: you would arrive at 6:30 p.m., have pizza all together (It’s always pizza, Sandi says), hear announcements and then divide up into respective groups for an hour or so, come back together, light a candle in honor or memory of those who died, sing a few songs and finally get in a circle to say good-byes for the evening. The groups meet twice a month from August to the end of June.
Sandi explained that age specific exercises are done during the meeting time periods geared at accepting experiences, feelings, memories and playing out things using art, music, puppetry, journaling and discussions. With the adults it’s having a place to talk and discussing what it’s like being a parent in a grieving home.
After a death in the family, adults are sometime too involved in their own personal grief to respond adequately to the needs of a child. The family unit may be thrown into turmoil. Because children deal with powerful emotions differently than adults, their grief may go unrecognized. Their depression, fear, guilt and anger may be acted out and labeled as behavioral problems in the home and school, instead of being seen for what it is, a reaction to the death of a loved one.
With New Song, a child is your ticket in and that child needs to be at least 5 years old. If you are an adult with no children, you can not come. It is a family dynamic organization.
“When a family leaves New Song, they are not the same family as when they first came,” she told me. “It can take many years, depending on the type of death. As time moves on you progress to a new level. It is a special time when you find a moment you can smile and appreciate the sunlight and not feel guilty about it.”
It is my hope that this organization will be the inspiration for similar organization forming throughout the U.S. to help bereaved families.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
May Events
May brings two important remembrance days, Memorial Day and Mother’s Day, both of which you can participate in if you live on the east coast near New York or Washington. In addition, if wanting to travel, an opportunity is also available to attend an international bereavement event. I bring this to you a month early, so that if interested you have time to make decisions to attend.
Memorial Day…a time of remembrance for the nation to honor those who have served and died…a difficult ‘holiday’ for military survivors. You can join TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) near the nation’s capital as they bring together survivors from across the country and leading professionals in the grief and trauma field to share a weekend of understanding, hope, courage, and love for those who died in the militaery. TAPS is proud to sponsor air travel for those who need assistance in attending the 2009 TAPS National Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp for kids.
The events include (1) workshops for survivors to help heal and copy with life after a loss, supportive discussions and sharing experiences, (2) TAPS Good Grief Camp is the nation’s only event that connects military children of all ages who have lost someone they love in the Armed Forces. At camp, the children learn coping skills and develop their own peer network among new friends, (3) cutting edge professional training and workshops with the best grief and trauma specialists in the U.S. This is the only training opportunity of its kind in America for chaplains, casualty and mortuary staffs, family support groups, commanders and their spouses, military mental health personnel, medical staffs and therapists, (4) A peer mentor training program for those at least one year beyond their own loss and ready to be there for others and offer support is available.
The weekend is held at the Gaylord National Resort and Conference Center in Maryland. Contact http://www.taps.org/ for additional information.
The 4th annual “Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch” will be held on Sunday, May 10, at the home of Ann and Jim Cook in Northport on Long Island, N.Y. “Although we don’t have any surviving children, we deserve to be honored because we will always be mothers,” says Ann.
Ann and Jim’s brunch has been growing each year. “That’s both good and bad. It’s good that parents feel comfortable enough to join us, but it is sad that there have to be so many who are childless. But being together gives us comfort and camaraderie,” she added.
Email deut3019@verizon.net for more information and mention “Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch” in the subject line.
Also in May, The Compassionate Friends is holding their 5th International Gathering in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The theme: “Continuing to build bridges of love without borders” will commemorate 40 years since the organization was founded in Coventry, England. If interested in attending, visit http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ for more information.
Finally, try to take a moment in this hurried crazy world to
** Watch clouds make pictures across an afternoon sky.
** Let music find its path to your heart.
** Dance to your own music and sing in harmony to your own rhythms.
** Follow a bird on its flight and wonder where it is going.
** Sit in the grass and make flower rings.
** Walk on an old path and kick leaves.
** Plug in the coffee pot and enjoy a quiet moment, watching it perk.
** Listen to your heart and follow it.
** Remember a moment and let it become a lifetime.
** Let the tears come if they do and let them trickle down your face.
And have a very Happy Easter today.
Memorial Day…a time of remembrance for the nation to honor those who have served and died…a difficult ‘holiday’ for military survivors. You can join TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) near the nation’s capital as they bring together survivors from across the country and leading professionals in the grief and trauma field to share a weekend of understanding, hope, courage, and love for those who died in the militaery. TAPS is proud to sponsor air travel for those who need assistance in attending the 2009 TAPS National Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp for kids.
The events include (1) workshops for survivors to help heal and copy with life after a loss, supportive discussions and sharing experiences, (2) TAPS Good Grief Camp is the nation’s only event that connects military children of all ages who have lost someone they love in the Armed Forces. At camp, the children learn coping skills and develop their own peer network among new friends, (3) cutting edge professional training and workshops with the best grief and trauma specialists in the U.S. This is the only training opportunity of its kind in America for chaplains, casualty and mortuary staffs, family support groups, commanders and their spouses, military mental health personnel, medical staffs and therapists, (4) A peer mentor training program for those at least one year beyond their own loss and ready to be there for others and offer support is available.
The weekend is held at the Gaylord National Resort and Conference Center in Maryland. Contact http://www.taps.org/ for additional information.
The 4th annual “Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch” will be held on Sunday, May 10, at the home of Ann and Jim Cook in Northport on Long Island, N.Y. “Although we don’t have any surviving children, we deserve to be honored because we will always be mothers,” says Ann.
Ann and Jim’s brunch has been growing each year. “That’s both good and bad. It’s good that parents feel comfortable enough to join us, but it is sad that there have to be so many who are childless. But being together gives us comfort and camaraderie,” she added.
Email deut3019@verizon.net for more information and mention “Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch” in the subject line.
Also in May, The Compassionate Friends is holding their 5th International Gathering in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The theme: “Continuing to build bridges of love without borders” will commemorate 40 years since the organization was founded in Coventry, England. If interested in attending, visit http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ for more information.
Finally, try to take a moment in this hurried crazy world to
** Watch clouds make pictures across an afternoon sky.
** Let music find its path to your heart.
** Dance to your own music and sing in harmony to your own rhythms.
** Follow a bird on its flight and wonder where it is going.
** Sit in the grass and make flower rings.
** Walk on an old path and kick leaves.
** Plug in the coffee pot and enjoy a quiet moment, watching it perk.
** Listen to your heart and follow it.
** Remember a moment and let it become a lifetime.
** Let the tears come if they do and let them trickle down your face.
And have a very Happy Easter today.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Stages of Grief
In the first few years of your grief journey, you will experience so many different emotions, all of which are normal and not “weird” as some people may say to you.
There are five phases of grief (some experts use different names for each phase, but in the end they are all the same). As I write about each, I’ll tell you how I personally fit into each one. Keep in mind that once you leave one phase and move on to another, it does not mean you will not return to that phase or overlap between phases. Going back and forth is normal. You will be able to deal with it all eventually, but don’t expect too much of yourself at first and also don’t expect to move on too quickly. Your grief journey could take you anywhere from one to five years or even more. It all depends on how you handle each phase, each benchmark. Each phase offers an opportunity for growth. Facing this process takes courage and a willingness to want to get better. I hope you all get something out of this, whether you have gone through it yet or not.
The first phase is SHOCK. You can’t believe this has happened. Children don’t die before their parents. How the death occurred and whether it was a sudden death or anticipated death can determine how you first react. You might scream, shout, feel confused, be forgetful or just be so numb you can’t function at all. My daughter’s death was a sudden death, a car accident. I remember being so numb at first, I just wanted information, to know how it had happened, when and where…and then the thought came that perhaps this was just a cruel joke…so a call went out to the morgue. Yes, she was there. Then the screams came. Everything became a blur, and I desperately wanted to make some sense out of what had happened but couldn’t. At some point when the shock wears off, you begin to feel the intensity of your grief and move into the second phase.
The second phase is AWARENESS OF LOSS. In this phase we might experience anger. My child was killed by an impaired driver. My anger began to build as the days and months wore on, and I kept saying to myself, “What a waste of a beautiful life!” I wanted the driver caught and punished. He was never found, causing the anger to last a long time. Other characteristics might include prolonged stress and physical anxiety like your heart beating very fast when thinking about the situation; oversensitivity at what people may say, do and not do; a sense of security severely uprooted through stress; and guilt at not being able to save your child.
The third phase CONSERVATION/WITHDRAWAL can include fatigue, despair, a weakened immune system and hibernation. Many parents don’t realize they are not getting enough rest and sleep. They may withdraw from friends and want to be alone with their thoughts. By this phase they are exhausted with all that has happened and in a time of dark despair because physical and emotional defenses are seriously diminished. You may find yourself getting physically ill with the flu because your immune system is in a weakened state. Your body has used up by now all of your physical and emotional energy. You need to take care of yourself and begin your grief work to get over the hump of this phase. Decide who are you now and what you are going to do with the rest of your life? I was not in this phase a long time. Although I was lethargic and didn’t care about anything now that my daughter had died, I did not get physically ill. After a while I began, regrettably, to get back into a pattern of living a different kind of life without her.
The fourth phase is HEALING. In this phase you begin to take control of your life. You realize your old life is over forever and you must begin to find a new path, in essence form a new identity. You will probably lose some friends who can’t deal with your loss but in the process find new ones who have experienced the loss of a child and want to share their thoughts and feelings with you. You may find a grief group in your area to join or grief recovery books to read. Healing comes slowly; sometimes you don’t realize it is happening. You may discover an interest in something new, you may feel more energetic, you may have to restructure the person you were before. When you finally let go, your identity shifts and you will be able to see your new life for what it is.
The last phase is RENEWAL. Those who have lost a child have to learn to live without them. Turning to the future you realize you are not the same person you were before your child died. You have new priorities and new goals and new compassion to share with others. The phase of renewal provides the opportunity to develop new self-awareness as well as emotional independence. Take charge of your life. What did I do? I became very involved with helping others who are grieving, by speaking to groups and letting them know they are not alone and that they will find their way eventually. I fulfilled an inner need that I had and it gave me both happiness and satisfaction knowing I could be of help to others.
There is no way to predict how long your recovery will take. We have to learn much along the way before we can move through the process. And we have to believe the better times will come. I can personally tell you that they did for me as I’m sure they will for you.
There are five phases of grief (some experts use different names for each phase, but in the end they are all the same). As I write about each, I’ll tell you how I personally fit into each one. Keep in mind that once you leave one phase and move on to another, it does not mean you will not return to that phase or overlap between phases. Going back and forth is normal. You will be able to deal with it all eventually, but don’t expect too much of yourself at first and also don’t expect to move on too quickly. Your grief journey could take you anywhere from one to five years or even more. It all depends on how you handle each phase, each benchmark. Each phase offers an opportunity for growth. Facing this process takes courage and a willingness to want to get better. I hope you all get something out of this, whether you have gone through it yet or not.
The first phase is SHOCK. You can’t believe this has happened. Children don’t die before their parents. How the death occurred and whether it was a sudden death or anticipated death can determine how you first react. You might scream, shout, feel confused, be forgetful or just be so numb you can’t function at all. My daughter’s death was a sudden death, a car accident. I remember being so numb at first, I just wanted information, to know how it had happened, when and where…and then the thought came that perhaps this was just a cruel joke…so a call went out to the morgue. Yes, she was there. Then the screams came. Everything became a blur, and I desperately wanted to make some sense out of what had happened but couldn’t. At some point when the shock wears off, you begin to feel the intensity of your grief and move into the second phase.
The second phase is AWARENESS OF LOSS. In this phase we might experience anger. My child was killed by an impaired driver. My anger began to build as the days and months wore on, and I kept saying to myself, “What a waste of a beautiful life!” I wanted the driver caught and punished. He was never found, causing the anger to last a long time. Other characteristics might include prolonged stress and physical anxiety like your heart beating very fast when thinking about the situation; oversensitivity at what people may say, do and not do; a sense of security severely uprooted through stress; and guilt at not being able to save your child.
The third phase CONSERVATION/WITHDRAWAL can include fatigue, despair, a weakened immune system and hibernation. Many parents don’t realize they are not getting enough rest and sleep. They may withdraw from friends and want to be alone with their thoughts. By this phase they are exhausted with all that has happened and in a time of dark despair because physical and emotional defenses are seriously diminished. You may find yourself getting physically ill with the flu because your immune system is in a weakened state. Your body has used up by now all of your physical and emotional energy. You need to take care of yourself and begin your grief work to get over the hump of this phase. Decide who are you now and what you are going to do with the rest of your life? I was not in this phase a long time. Although I was lethargic and didn’t care about anything now that my daughter had died, I did not get physically ill. After a while I began, regrettably, to get back into a pattern of living a different kind of life without her.
The fourth phase is HEALING. In this phase you begin to take control of your life. You realize your old life is over forever and you must begin to find a new path, in essence form a new identity. You will probably lose some friends who can’t deal with your loss but in the process find new ones who have experienced the loss of a child and want to share their thoughts and feelings with you. You may find a grief group in your area to join or grief recovery books to read. Healing comes slowly; sometimes you don’t realize it is happening. You may discover an interest in something new, you may feel more energetic, you may have to restructure the person you were before. When you finally let go, your identity shifts and you will be able to see your new life for what it is.
The last phase is RENEWAL. Those who have lost a child have to learn to live without them. Turning to the future you realize you are not the same person you were before your child died. You have new priorities and new goals and new compassion to share with others. The phase of renewal provides the opportunity to develop new self-awareness as well as emotional independence. Take charge of your life. What did I do? I became very involved with helping others who are grieving, by speaking to groups and letting them know they are not alone and that they will find their way eventually. I fulfilled an inner need that I had and it gave me both happiness and satisfaction knowing I could be of help to others.
There is no way to predict how long your recovery will take. We have to learn much along the way before we can move through the process. And we have to believe the better times will come. I can personally tell you that they did for me as I’m sure they will for you.
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