Dedication to Lynn

Today I’d like to dedicate my column to Lynn, my daughter’s best friend. Today she is 49 years old, the same age as my daughter would have been this July 27, had she lived.

Lynn and Marcy were clearly sisters in the best sense possible, always doing things together and sharing their thoughts and feelings about life since they were kids. They were both kind, thoughtful, bright women who enjoyed life to the fullest. They had planned to spend many happy years together as two married couples: traveling, having children and growing old together. But that was not to be.

Marcy died in a car accident only 4 ½ months after marrying. I always found it interesting that Marcy and Lynn ended up getting married only 4 months apart after all the men they went through! Both ended up having excellent taste in men and knew when the right ones came along. They joked about the fact that they now had a new last name, both starting with the letter “L”, both husbands were born on the same day and both became lawyers.

They both loved traveling and did quite a bit before they settled down to their separate vocations, Lynn in the chemistry field and Marcy in the public relations field. Lynn eventually switched to teaching chemistry. Even though they may not have talked every day, it wasn’t necessary; they both understood each other so well.

Marcy died 10 days after Lynn’s wedding, where she served as maid of honor, but her memory and name will always live on in Lynn’s daughter, who was named Marcy, when she was born 15 years ago. Marcy is the second of Lynn’s three children. I am godmother to her beautiful children, and we all see each other as often as possible. I am always included in family gatherings and love being with them.

Lynn was determined to memorialize her best friend. A year after Marcy died, she collected the money needed from friends and family to build a new drama center in her memory at a summer camp. A plaque is on the wall naming the center after Marcy.

Lynn is like a daughter to me and always will be. It is a comfort knowing that she and I will never forget my Marcy and that we will both always love her and remember her for as long as we live.

Happy birthday Lynn. May you always be healthy, happy and live a long, wonderful life.

Choosing Life

Five weeks ago today, Facebook's Sheryl Sandberg’s husband Dave Goldberg died suddenly. She felt compelled to write her honest feelings of what it is like to loose someone you love, whether it is a child, a parent or a spouse. I believe that what she says is “right on” for loss of a child also. I, too, felt all those same emotions when my daughter died suddenly in a car accident 21 years ago. But, I, like Sheryl chose life and meaning, and helping other bereaved parents like myself. In this synopsis Sheryl expresses her gratitude and thanks to others and expresses what she has learned from this tragic event. See if you can personally identify your feelings with the passages below from the NBC Today Show news feed and whether you can apply them to your loss of a child. I have tried to include key passages. To read the entire text, go to NBC's Today Show from this last week.

“A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: “Let me not die while I am still alive.” I would have never understood that prayer before losing Dave. Now I do." 

“I think when tragedy occurs it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning." She says she chooses life and meaning.

She talks about how both close friends and also strangers pulled her through the difficult moments. She shares what she has learned in the hope that it helps someone else find some meaning from such a tragedy.

Her mother has even tried to fill the empty space in her bed, "holding me each night until I cry myself to sleep. She has fought to hold back her own tears to make room for mine."

We think we know how to react to others when tragedy strikes, but do we really. Sheryl realizes she didn't. "I tried to assure people that it would be okay, thinking that hope was the most comforting thing I could offer. A friend with late-stage cancer told me that the worst thing people could say to him was ‘It is going to be okay.’ That voice in his head would scream, How do you know it is going to be okay? Do you not understand that I might die? I learned this past month what he was trying to teach me. Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not…Those who have said, ‘You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good’ comfort me more because they know and speak the truth. 

I personally remember that when my daughter died and people would ask me how I was doing, I would always say, "I'm okay." One day a friend said, "You're not okay, so don't say you are." I realized she was right, so now I say, "I'm doing the best I can today." 

Sheryl also thinks that even a simple ‘How are you?’ almost always asked with the best of intentions—is better replaced with ‘How are you today?’ When she is asked, ‘How are you?’ she stops herself from shouting, "My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am?" When she hears ‘How are you today?’ she realizes the person knows that the best she can do right now is to get through each day, one day at a time.

About going back to work, she says she thought that work would be a savior, but realized her co-workers wanted to help but weren't sure how. "To restore that closeness with my colleagues I needed to let them in. I told them that they could ask me their honest questions and I would answer. I also said it was okay for them to talk about how they felt. Many were worried they might say the wrong thing. Speaking openly replaced the fear of doing and saying the wrong thing." 

She believes she took gratitude for granted. She now appreciates every smile, every hug. "I am truly grateful to the many who have offered their sympathy and men who are honoring Dave’s life by spending more time with their families. I can’t even express the gratitude I feel to my family and friends who have done so much and reassured me that they will continue to be there. In the brutal moments when I am overtaken by the void, when the months and years stretch out in front of me endless and empty, only their faces pull me out of the isolation and fear. My appreciation for them knows no bounds."

Sheryl, from my experience, I can tell you that it will be a long road but I believe you have started with the first steps to move forward in your grief journey.

Vacationing After a Child's Death

Vacationing after the death of a child can be difficult, but eventually you must move on and find a new way to enjoy summer fun with the rest of your family.

My first suggestion would be to find a new place you haven’t been that doesn’t remind you of your child every second of the day. If you have other children, it might be good for them to talk to you about how much their sibling might have loved or not loved the place you choose. It is good for the entire family to talk about the one who died. You don’t want them to be forgotten and neither do they. Talk about them as much as possible to make it more comfortable. Laugh or joke at something he/she would have done on this new vacation.

Don’t plan a vacation that is too long. You or your husband may not be up for that yet. Perhaps a few weekend trips to start and expand from there. See how it goes. See if everyone is coping with this new normal. A beach weekend or going to a resort close by are good choices. Even though you will miss your loved one tremendously, try to keep up appearances for the other family members. If it gets hard, talk about it all together.

When everyone is comfortable with the weekend trips, try a longer one (a week to 10 days). Get the other family members involved with the planning. Have everyone suggest a place, discuss the advantage of each one, the good and bad points, what activities as a family can be done, and then vote for the top two. Go from there to pick a winner. If not everyone likes the chosen place, they will know that the next trip will be their choice. And who knows, they may find the first choice to eventually be to their liking.

Remember that on any trip you take, be kind to yourself. Allow some time for yourself, to read, to journal, whatever you feel comfortable doing. You or any family member may become overwhelmed during this trip and that is okay. It’s all right to say to the others how much you miss the one no longer with you, to even cry if necessary. But you may also want to remember happier times you can talk about. The more the child’s name comes up, the more comfortable others will feel.

There is no right or wrong answer to: when will I be ready to take a vacation again? You must decide that for yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you how long you should wait. Keep in mind your loved one would want you to move forward and enjoy life. And in the process, perhaps you will honor them by the choices you make. Happy vacationing!

Hope

It is amazing to me that sometimes you find you can do something you were never good at. In my case it was writing a poem. I challenge each of you to try writing a poem about your child who died, how you feel, what you hope for, what you miss, or whatever flows from your heart. I think you will find it a challenging but useful activity during your grief journey. Here is one of the few poems I have written dedicated to my daughter Marcy that can be found in my second book on surviving grief.

HOPE

As I look up to the sky,

a bright star shines down.

I feel it is you smiling at me,  

telling me it is okay for me to laugh,

it is okay for me to be happy again.

I'm trying, I tell you.

It is not an easy road to travel

when you have lost the most

important thing in your life.

But my heart is full with love

from a wonderful man and many friends,

And, of course, I feel your love surround me

on this chilly December day.

It warms my heart and my body as always.

I keep busy and try to make a difference

in this world by helping others.

I do it for you, in your memory,

and I find it is a wonderful feeling.

I know you used to do it also,

You used to help close friends

and even strangers.

I look around me and see young people

enjoying the outdoors, running, playing, 

wishing for a good snowfall.

I hear their laughter and their good wishes.

I know there is hope for a better 

world when I look into their eyes.

I wish I could share everything I say

and do with you, as I used to.

I miss you so much, 

my beautiful daughter.

I think of you every minute of every 

day and always will.

I want you to know, though,

that I was always a survivor,and will continue to be one

both for you and for me.

I love you, always and forever.

Mom

In Loving Memory Conference, April 2016 Being Planned

It’s been a long time, but I’m so happy to see that Glen and Linda Nielsen will be doing their 6th “In Loving Memory” national conference for bereaved parents with no surviving children April 7 – April 10, 2016 at the Hyatt Fairfax at Fair Lakes Hotel in Fairfax, VA with a $89 room rate.

Glen and Linda have not done a conference since 2001. In fact, I took over for them in 2004 and 2007, and with much help we put on a very nice conference called "Now Childless" in Scottsdale, AZ and have not had once since.

The purpose of In Loving Memory is to provide conferences for bereaved parents where they find encouragement and relief from profound grief caused by the death of their child. There will be many workshops and informal sharing sessions for parents to learn coping skills to take back to their daily lives.

 Grandparents, support group chapter leaders, friends and the professionals who assist parents in walking through their grief are encouraged to attend. Special events and activities are planned with a view toward learning and commemoration. Free time has been built into each day to allow time to recharge and refocus in your own way.

Experienced and some new now childless bereaved parents will be presenting workshops with topics relating to our specific concerns e.g.: How do I go on living without my child?, What am I going to do as I age with no children?, What do I do with my and my child’s things?, How do I handle stepchildren?, I am truly alone, as I am single/widowed, How do I plan for a future?, How do I fin d purpose for living?, I’ve had multiple losses and wonder how others have coped, How do I keep my child’s memory alive forever? And so on.

Registration materials will be available soon on the site below. Free parking at the hotel and a free shuttle to major, enclosed shopping centers is available. Centering Corporation will have a bookstore. Authors who have written specific books for childless parents should let the conference know so they can be included. Registration is $75.

More information will be on www.InLovingMemoryConference.org and www.alivealone.org . This is the only gathering that focuses entirely on the needs of parents who have no surviving children.

Additional Conferences for Summer 2015

There are two other national conferences you can attend beside Compassionate Friends in Dallas that I wrote about last week, plus two regional ones and a Mother’s Day gathering today.

Mother’s Day – Ann and Jim Cook will host the 10^th Annual Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch today at noon, at their home in Northport, Long Island, New York. Spouses are also welcome. If you live in the area, it is an excellent way to meet other childless parents. Being together gives comfort and camaraderie. If interested in attending, email Ann and Jim at deut3019@verizon.net  or call 631-754-9141 or because of this late notice, contact Ann or Jim and ask them to keep you on their list for the next brunch.

Bereaved Parents USA – A national organization to help bereaved parents, it also holds a national gathering. This summer it is at the Sheraton Hartford Hotel at Bradley Airport July 24-26 in Hartford, CT. Speakers will include Sara Ruble, Deb Carlin Polhill, Scarlett Lewis, Dave Roberts, Kelly Buckley and Bart Sumner, all bereaved parents. The signing choir, "Love In Motion" will perform their inspirational songs of Love, loss and healing through sign language. A sibling program is also included. Parents are encouraged to include their children in the gathering. Call Jodi Norman 703-910-6277 for more details or go to the website: www.bereavedparentsusa.org.

POMC (Parents of Murdered Children) national gathering this year is July 30-Aug. 2, at the JW Marriott Las Vegas Resort, 221 N. Rampart Blvd, in Las Vegas, NV. Room rate is $89 per night. This is a very specialized national organization for those children who have died by violence. Specialized workshops will include: prison life, cultural sensitivity, homocide overseas, understanding the criminal mind, solving cold cases, vicarious trauma and burnout and caring overload, preparing for a parole hearing and many more yet to be announced. There are also many activities to participate in. Contact Dan Levey 480-946-3422 or go to the www.pomc.org website for more information.

There are two regional TCF conferences you may attend. These are much smaller conferences and localized in two sections of the country, one on the east coast and one in the mid-west. October 2-4 is a regional conference in Rochester, MN at the Kahler Grand Hotel. Contact Cathy at 651-459-9341 or email peachy3536@comcast.net for more details. The other regional is Oct. 9-11 in King of Prussia, PA at the Radisson Hotel Valley Forge. Contact Bobbi Milne by email: mcfly423@aol.com for more details. At this conference Kay Bevington, founder and editor of Alive Alone will be doing a seminar for now childless parents.

38th Compassionate Friends Conference in Dallas this July

Hope Shines Bright deep in the heart” is the theme for the 38^th National Compassionate Friends Conference in Dallas, Texas, July 10-12, 2015 at the Hyatt Regency .

Some of the special events at the conference will include sharing sessions, the walk to remember, picture buttons, hospitality rooms, memory board tattoo wall, reflection room, butterfly boutique, bookstore and keynote speakers.

Over 100 sessions will be available for bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents. They include sessions on circumstances of the loss such as illness, accident, drugs or suicide; sessions for men and women specifically; sessions dealing with healing; the grief related to family and friends, long term and early grievers; using creativity to help healing, and many other topics related to grief. Many sessions will be available to siblings (teen and adult siblings) on how to deal with various issue that may come up with parents and additional siblings such as multiple loss and parents being parents.

Three keynote speakers will highlight the conference. At the opening ceremony Kay Warren, co-founder of the mega Saddleback Church in Orange County, CA, is an international speaker and best-selling author who has a passion for inspiring and motivating others to make a difference with their lives. Her son, Matthew died by suicide at the age of 27. Kris Munsch, whose son Blake was killed in a car accident, tells his inspiring story of survival and how this quest inspired his famous Birdhouse Project. Gary Mendell will speak at the Friday luncheon. He is founder and CEO of Shatterproof, a national organization committed to protecting children from addiction to alcohol and other drugs. He lost his son Brian in 2011 to addiction. At the closing ceremony Christopher Jones, whose son died of Muscular Dystrophy, is the author of Mitchell’s Journey, a popular Facebook blog about his son, his journey and the transformative effects it has had on the lives of his family and himself.

One new addition to the conference is the Creative Café, a three-part specialized area focusing on the use of creative arts, craft making and good self-care practices in the healing process. Each of the three areas originated in one or more of the traditional workshops, but the cafes new come-and-go hours on Friday and Saturday will allow more time and a more conducive environment for personal reflection, for completing actual take-home projects, and for learning about and experiencing resources and techniques to help in the grief process.

The first area in this new Creative Café will provide a rich variety of art materials in addition to collage making. It will be an open all day art studio. It is about getting in touch with where you are in your healing journey. The second area is the crafty corner which will offer make and take crafts that can be completed easily at the conference, as well as those that can be completed at home, using you own loved one’s photos and belongings. The third are is healing haven, a peaceful setting for relaxation, renewal and recovery of the mind, body and spirit.

I believe these conferences are the best thing you can do for yourself. If it is possible for you to attend, go to www.compassionatefriends.org for more information and registration materials.