When on your grief journey, you may hear people say things to you that are not appropriate at all. Perhaps that person was only trying to comfort you or has never lost a child and has no idea what you are feeling or going through. Certain phrases and sentences to others may seem like a way to show they care and are thinking about you, but all it really does is make you mad.
Some of those phrases and my reactions (in italic type) to myself or others include:
“Your child is in a better place.” No, she’s not. She should be right here with me.
“Aren’t you over it yet?” I’ll never get over this. In time I may be able to learn to live with the loss, but I’ll never get over it completely, nor will I ever forget.
“I know how you feel. My dog died last year.” Please don’t compare your dog to my child. You may have loved your dog very much, but a dog is not a human being, born and nurtured from your body
“You can have more children.” Maybe I can, maybe I can’t; maybe I can’t bear the thought of ever going through this again, but having another child would not be to replace the one I lost.
“God never gives you more than you can bear.” Why did God do this to me at all? Am I being punished for some reason?
“Time will heal your hurt.” Time may ease the pain somewhat, but heal me completely?
Never! I will always ache for my child and what we have both lost
.
“I understand.” No you don’t, unless you have also lost a child. Nothing compares. A child should never die before a parent.
“At least she isn’t suffering.” She is suffering. I am suffering. She had so much more living to do, things to accomplish. No matter what would have happened to her physically, she would have dealt with it and continued living a full life.
“Crying won’t bring her back.” Crying is a healthy emotion to cleanse your body physically and mentally. No, I won’t get her back, but to hold back emotions is known to cause more damage. If I want to scream and rant, that is okay also.
“It’s time to get rid of her clothes and belongings.” When I feel it is the right time I’ll take some action. It could be a month, a year or even 5 years. I will do it in my own time. I will never get rid of everything. There are some items I could never part with.
Be patient with these people and don’t let these common phrases get to you. DO try to let others know what you personally think is not appropriate to say to a bereaved parent, whether it is you or someone else.
Note: In my next blog, I’ll tell you what I believe is helpful for parents on a grief journey and what those who are friends and relatives should try to do for the bereaved.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
New Song Helps Bereaved Families
If your family has suffered the death of a loved one and needs support dealing with the pain and the grief journey, an organization called NEW SONG, started in the Phoenix, Arizona, area provides nurturing support for grieving children and their families.
It also offers comprehensive grief education for volunteers and professionals and is hoping to be nationally recognized as a model grief support and training program whose purpose is to restore hope to children and those who love them. Volunteers have had over 25 hours of classroom and 20 hours of mentor-led training to facilitate, under the direction of professional staff.
This non-profit, non-denominational organization started in 1990 and providing the following services: support groups for grieving children ages 5 through 18 and their families, referrals to other community agencies, child-specific grief training for volunteers and education for caregivers, mental health professionals, clergy and the community at large. Support for the program comes from individual donations, foundations, organizations, businesses, churches and synagogues.
Because a child’s response to death is different from an adult’s, New Song Center focuses on the unique needs of children and their families in grief. While children are supported through art and play techniques, New Song Center helps adults learn how to support and parent their grieving children as well as help themselves. Each family learns how to work through their pain, share memories and go on living without the loved one who died.
One of my friends, Sandi Howlett, a bereavement specialist for Hansen’s Mortuary in Phoenix and speaker for Hospice, has been very involved with this organization since 2003. She says the children are divided into separate groups: ages 5-7, 8-10, 11-12 and teens. Parents and caregivers (grandparents, aunts and uncles) are in a separate group as are young adults from 18-26 who come on their own. There is an orientation program which the whole family comes to and then they divide into groups. They are also required to come to one monthly program where they do family projects.
An evening at New Song would go like this: you would arrive at 6:30 p.m., have pizza all together (It’s always pizza, Sandi says), hear announcements and then divide up into respective groups for an hour or so, come back together, light a candle in honor or memory of those who died, sing a few songs and finally get in a circle to say good-byes for the evening. The groups meet twice a month from August to the end of June.
Sandi explained that age specific exercises are done during the meeting time periods geared at accepting experiences, feelings, memories and playing out things using art, music, puppetry, journaling and discussions. With the adults it’s having a place to talk and discussing what it’s like being a parent in a grieving home.
After a death in the family, adults are sometime too involved in their own personal grief to respond adequately to the needs of a child. The family unit may be thrown into turmoil. Because children deal with powerful emotions differently than adults, their grief may go unrecognized. Their depression, fear, guilt and anger may be acted out and labeled as behavioral problems in the home and school, instead of being seen for what it is, a reaction to the death of a loved one.
With New Song, a child is your ticket in and that child needs to be at least 5 years old. If you are an adult with no children, you can not come. It is a family dynamic organization.
“When a family leaves New Song, they are not the same family as when they first came,” she told me. “It can take many years, depending on the type of death. As time moves on you progress to a new level. It is a special time when you find a moment you can smile and appreciate the sunlight and not feel guilty about it.”
It is my hope that this organization will be the inspiration for similar organization forming throughout the U.S. to help bereaved families.
It also offers comprehensive grief education for volunteers and professionals and is hoping to be nationally recognized as a model grief support and training program whose purpose is to restore hope to children and those who love them. Volunteers have had over 25 hours of classroom and 20 hours of mentor-led training to facilitate, under the direction of professional staff.
This non-profit, non-denominational organization started in 1990 and providing the following services: support groups for grieving children ages 5 through 18 and their families, referrals to other community agencies, child-specific grief training for volunteers and education for caregivers, mental health professionals, clergy and the community at large. Support for the program comes from individual donations, foundations, organizations, businesses, churches and synagogues.
Because a child’s response to death is different from an adult’s, New Song Center focuses on the unique needs of children and their families in grief. While children are supported through art and play techniques, New Song Center helps adults learn how to support and parent their grieving children as well as help themselves. Each family learns how to work through their pain, share memories and go on living without the loved one who died.
One of my friends, Sandi Howlett, a bereavement specialist for Hansen’s Mortuary in Phoenix and speaker for Hospice, has been very involved with this organization since 2003. She says the children are divided into separate groups: ages 5-7, 8-10, 11-12 and teens. Parents and caregivers (grandparents, aunts and uncles) are in a separate group as are young adults from 18-26 who come on their own. There is an orientation program which the whole family comes to and then they divide into groups. They are also required to come to one monthly program where they do family projects.
An evening at New Song would go like this: you would arrive at 6:30 p.m., have pizza all together (It’s always pizza, Sandi says), hear announcements and then divide up into respective groups for an hour or so, come back together, light a candle in honor or memory of those who died, sing a few songs and finally get in a circle to say good-byes for the evening. The groups meet twice a month from August to the end of June.
Sandi explained that age specific exercises are done during the meeting time periods geared at accepting experiences, feelings, memories and playing out things using art, music, puppetry, journaling and discussions. With the adults it’s having a place to talk and discussing what it’s like being a parent in a grieving home.
After a death in the family, adults are sometime too involved in their own personal grief to respond adequately to the needs of a child. The family unit may be thrown into turmoil. Because children deal with powerful emotions differently than adults, their grief may go unrecognized. Their depression, fear, guilt and anger may be acted out and labeled as behavioral problems in the home and school, instead of being seen for what it is, a reaction to the death of a loved one.
With New Song, a child is your ticket in and that child needs to be at least 5 years old. If you are an adult with no children, you can not come. It is a family dynamic organization.
“When a family leaves New Song, they are not the same family as when they first came,” she told me. “It can take many years, depending on the type of death. As time moves on you progress to a new level. It is a special time when you find a moment you can smile and appreciate the sunlight and not feel guilty about it.”
It is my hope that this organization will be the inspiration for similar organization forming throughout the U.S. to help bereaved families.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
May Events
May brings two important remembrance days, Memorial Day and Mother’s Day, both of which you can participate in if you live on the east coast near New York or Washington. In addition, if wanting to travel, an opportunity is also available to attend an international bereavement event. I bring this to you a month early, so that if interested you have time to make decisions to attend.
Memorial Day…a time of remembrance for the nation to honor those who have served and died…a difficult ‘holiday’ for military survivors. You can join TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) near the nation’s capital as they bring together survivors from across the country and leading professionals in the grief and trauma field to share a weekend of understanding, hope, courage, and love for those who died in the militaery. TAPS is proud to sponsor air travel for those who need assistance in attending the 2009 TAPS National Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp for kids.
The events include (1) workshops for survivors to help heal and copy with life after a loss, supportive discussions and sharing experiences, (2) TAPS Good Grief Camp is the nation’s only event that connects military children of all ages who have lost someone they love in the Armed Forces. At camp, the children learn coping skills and develop their own peer network among new friends, (3) cutting edge professional training and workshops with the best grief and trauma specialists in the U.S. This is the only training opportunity of its kind in America for chaplains, casualty and mortuary staffs, family support groups, commanders and their spouses, military mental health personnel, medical staffs and therapists, (4) A peer mentor training program for those at least one year beyond their own loss and ready to be there for others and offer support is available.
The weekend is held at the Gaylord National Resort and Conference Center in Maryland. Contact http://www.taps.org/ for additional information.
The 4th annual “Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch” will be held on Sunday, May 10, at the home of Ann and Jim Cook in Northport on Long Island, N.Y. “Although we don’t have any surviving children, we deserve to be honored because we will always be mothers,” says Ann.
Ann and Jim’s brunch has been growing each year. “That’s both good and bad. It’s good that parents feel comfortable enough to join us, but it is sad that there have to be so many who are childless. But being together gives us comfort and camaraderie,” she added.
Email deut3019@verizon.net for more information and mention “Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch” in the subject line.
Also in May, The Compassionate Friends is holding their 5th International Gathering in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The theme: “Continuing to build bridges of love without borders” will commemorate 40 years since the organization was founded in Coventry, England. If interested in attending, visit http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ for more information.
Finally, try to take a moment in this hurried crazy world to
** Watch clouds make pictures across an afternoon sky.
** Let music find its path to your heart.
** Dance to your own music and sing in harmony to your own rhythms.
** Follow a bird on its flight and wonder where it is going.
** Sit in the grass and make flower rings.
** Walk on an old path and kick leaves.
** Plug in the coffee pot and enjoy a quiet moment, watching it perk.
** Listen to your heart and follow it.
** Remember a moment and let it become a lifetime.
** Let the tears come if they do and let them trickle down your face.
And have a very Happy Easter today.
Memorial Day…a time of remembrance for the nation to honor those who have served and died…a difficult ‘holiday’ for military survivors. You can join TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) near the nation’s capital as they bring together survivors from across the country and leading professionals in the grief and trauma field to share a weekend of understanding, hope, courage, and love for those who died in the militaery. TAPS is proud to sponsor air travel for those who need assistance in attending the 2009 TAPS National Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp for kids.
The events include (1) workshops for survivors to help heal and copy with life after a loss, supportive discussions and sharing experiences, (2) TAPS Good Grief Camp is the nation’s only event that connects military children of all ages who have lost someone they love in the Armed Forces. At camp, the children learn coping skills and develop their own peer network among new friends, (3) cutting edge professional training and workshops with the best grief and trauma specialists in the U.S. This is the only training opportunity of its kind in America for chaplains, casualty and mortuary staffs, family support groups, commanders and their spouses, military mental health personnel, medical staffs and therapists, (4) A peer mentor training program for those at least one year beyond their own loss and ready to be there for others and offer support is available.
The weekend is held at the Gaylord National Resort and Conference Center in Maryland. Contact http://www.taps.org/ for additional information.
The 4th annual “Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch” will be held on Sunday, May 10, at the home of Ann and Jim Cook in Northport on Long Island, N.Y. “Although we don’t have any surviving children, we deserve to be honored because we will always be mothers,” says Ann.
Ann and Jim’s brunch has been growing each year. “That’s both good and bad. It’s good that parents feel comfortable enough to join us, but it is sad that there have to be so many who are childless. But being together gives us comfort and camaraderie,” she added.
Email deut3019@verizon.net for more information and mention “Now Childless Mother’s Day Brunch” in the subject line.
Also in May, The Compassionate Friends is holding their 5th International Gathering in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The theme: “Continuing to build bridges of love without borders” will commemorate 40 years since the organization was founded in Coventry, England. If interested in attending, visit http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ for more information.
Finally, try to take a moment in this hurried crazy world to
** Watch clouds make pictures across an afternoon sky.
** Let music find its path to your heart.
** Dance to your own music and sing in harmony to your own rhythms.
** Follow a bird on its flight and wonder where it is going.
** Sit in the grass and make flower rings.
** Walk on an old path and kick leaves.
** Plug in the coffee pot and enjoy a quiet moment, watching it perk.
** Listen to your heart and follow it.
** Remember a moment and let it become a lifetime.
** Let the tears come if they do and let them trickle down your face.
And have a very Happy Easter today.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Stages of Grief
In the first few years of your grief journey, you will experience so many different emotions, all of which are normal and not “weird” as some people may say to you.
There are five phases of grief (some experts use different names for each phase, but in the end they are all the same). As I write about each, I’ll tell you how I personally fit into each one. Keep in mind that once you leave one phase and move on to another, it does not mean you will not return to that phase or overlap between phases. Going back and forth is normal. You will be able to deal with it all eventually, but don’t expect too much of yourself at first and also don’t expect to move on too quickly. Your grief journey could take you anywhere from one to five years or even more. It all depends on how you handle each phase, each benchmark. Each phase offers an opportunity for growth. Facing this process takes courage and a willingness to want to get better. I hope you all get something out of this, whether you have gone through it yet or not.
The first phase is SHOCK. You can’t believe this has happened. Children don’t die before their parents. How the death occurred and whether it was a sudden death or anticipated death can determine how you first react. You might scream, shout, feel confused, be forgetful or just be so numb you can’t function at all. My daughter’s death was a sudden death, a car accident. I remember being so numb at first, I just wanted information, to know how it had happened, when and where…and then the thought came that perhaps this was just a cruel joke…so a call went out to the morgue. Yes, she was there. Then the screams came. Everything became a blur, and I desperately wanted to make some sense out of what had happened but couldn’t. At some point when the shock wears off, you begin to feel the intensity of your grief and move into the second phase.
The second phase is AWARENESS OF LOSS. In this phase we might experience anger. My child was killed by an impaired driver. My anger began to build as the days and months wore on, and I kept saying to myself, “What a waste of a beautiful life!” I wanted the driver caught and punished. He was never found, causing the anger to last a long time. Other characteristics might include prolonged stress and physical anxiety like your heart beating very fast when thinking about the situation; oversensitivity at what people may say, do and not do; a sense of security severely uprooted through stress; and guilt at not being able to save your child.
The third phase CONSERVATION/WITHDRAWAL can include fatigue, despair, a weakened immune system and hibernation. Many parents don’t realize they are not getting enough rest and sleep. They may withdraw from friends and want to be alone with their thoughts. By this phase they are exhausted with all that has happened and in a time of dark despair because physical and emotional defenses are seriously diminished. You may find yourself getting physically ill with the flu because your immune system is in a weakened state. Your body has used up by now all of your physical and emotional energy. You need to take care of yourself and begin your grief work to get over the hump of this phase. Decide who are you now and what you are going to do with the rest of your life? I was not in this phase a long time. Although I was lethargic and didn’t care about anything now that my daughter had died, I did not get physically ill. After a while I began, regrettably, to get back into a pattern of living a different kind of life without her.
The fourth phase is HEALING. In this phase you begin to take control of your life. You realize your old life is over forever and you must begin to find a new path, in essence form a new identity. You will probably lose some friends who can’t deal with your loss but in the process find new ones who have experienced the loss of a child and want to share their thoughts and feelings with you. You may find a grief group in your area to join or grief recovery books to read. Healing comes slowly; sometimes you don’t realize it is happening. You may discover an interest in something new, you may feel more energetic, you may have to restructure the person you were before. When you finally let go, your identity shifts and you will be able to see your new life for what it is.
The last phase is RENEWAL. Those who have lost a child have to learn to live without them. Turning to the future you realize you are not the same person you were before your child died. You have new priorities and new goals and new compassion to share with others. The phase of renewal provides the opportunity to develop new self-awareness as well as emotional independence. Take charge of your life. What did I do? I became very involved with helping others who are grieving, by speaking to groups and letting them know they are not alone and that they will find their way eventually. I fulfilled an inner need that I had and it gave me both happiness and satisfaction knowing I could be of help to others.
There is no way to predict how long your recovery will take. We have to learn much along the way before we can move through the process. And we have to believe the better times will come. I can personally tell you that they did for me as I’m sure they will for you.
There are five phases of grief (some experts use different names for each phase, but in the end they are all the same). As I write about each, I’ll tell you how I personally fit into each one. Keep in mind that once you leave one phase and move on to another, it does not mean you will not return to that phase or overlap between phases. Going back and forth is normal. You will be able to deal with it all eventually, but don’t expect too much of yourself at first and also don’t expect to move on too quickly. Your grief journey could take you anywhere from one to five years or even more. It all depends on how you handle each phase, each benchmark. Each phase offers an opportunity for growth. Facing this process takes courage and a willingness to want to get better. I hope you all get something out of this, whether you have gone through it yet or not.
The first phase is SHOCK. You can’t believe this has happened. Children don’t die before their parents. How the death occurred and whether it was a sudden death or anticipated death can determine how you first react. You might scream, shout, feel confused, be forgetful or just be so numb you can’t function at all. My daughter’s death was a sudden death, a car accident. I remember being so numb at first, I just wanted information, to know how it had happened, when and where…and then the thought came that perhaps this was just a cruel joke…so a call went out to the morgue. Yes, she was there. Then the screams came. Everything became a blur, and I desperately wanted to make some sense out of what had happened but couldn’t. At some point when the shock wears off, you begin to feel the intensity of your grief and move into the second phase.
The second phase is AWARENESS OF LOSS. In this phase we might experience anger. My child was killed by an impaired driver. My anger began to build as the days and months wore on, and I kept saying to myself, “What a waste of a beautiful life!” I wanted the driver caught and punished. He was never found, causing the anger to last a long time. Other characteristics might include prolonged stress and physical anxiety like your heart beating very fast when thinking about the situation; oversensitivity at what people may say, do and not do; a sense of security severely uprooted through stress; and guilt at not being able to save your child.
The third phase CONSERVATION/WITHDRAWAL can include fatigue, despair, a weakened immune system and hibernation. Many parents don’t realize they are not getting enough rest and sleep. They may withdraw from friends and want to be alone with their thoughts. By this phase they are exhausted with all that has happened and in a time of dark despair because physical and emotional defenses are seriously diminished. You may find yourself getting physically ill with the flu because your immune system is in a weakened state. Your body has used up by now all of your physical and emotional energy. You need to take care of yourself and begin your grief work to get over the hump of this phase. Decide who are you now and what you are going to do with the rest of your life? I was not in this phase a long time. Although I was lethargic and didn’t care about anything now that my daughter had died, I did not get physically ill. After a while I began, regrettably, to get back into a pattern of living a different kind of life without her.
The fourth phase is HEALING. In this phase you begin to take control of your life. You realize your old life is over forever and you must begin to find a new path, in essence form a new identity. You will probably lose some friends who can’t deal with your loss but in the process find new ones who have experienced the loss of a child and want to share their thoughts and feelings with you. You may find a grief group in your area to join or grief recovery books to read. Healing comes slowly; sometimes you don’t realize it is happening. You may discover an interest in something new, you may feel more energetic, you may have to restructure the person you were before. When you finally let go, your identity shifts and you will be able to see your new life for what it is.
The last phase is RENEWAL. Those who have lost a child have to learn to live without them. Turning to the future you realize you are not the same person you were before your child died. You have new priorities and new goals and new compassion to share with others. The phase of renewal provides the opportunity to develop new self-awareness as well as emotional independence. Take charge of your life. What did I do? I became very involved with helping others who are grieving, by speaking to groups and letting them know they are not alone and that they will find their way eventually. I fulfilled an inner need that I had and it gave me both happiness and satisfaction knowing I could be of help to others.
There is no way to predict how long your recovery will take. We have to learn much along the way before we can move through the process. And we have to believe the better times will come. I can personally tell you that they did for me as I’m sure they will for you.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
When Will I feel better
Why don’t I feel better? It’s been a year…two years…three years since I lost my child.
I hear this a lot. Don’t be impatient. The fact that you want to feel better and move on with your life after the loss of a child is a good sign. What you don’t realize is that it may take a very long time. Each of us reacts differently. Each of us heals differently. There is no set time that you should be well and functioning again. Your mind will do a lot of the work for you. And your body and how you react to your loss will do a lot of the rest. You may be able to do it yourself, you may have family and friends to help you, or you may need professional help. You are in a very vulnerable period of your life; healing is questionable. You must do what is best for you using the resources available to you.
All of us who have lost a child know of the five steps of grief: shock, awareness of loss, withdrawal, healing and renewal. (I will talk about them again in my next blog.) This does not mean you will go through each step and move on to the next systematically. You may very well take a step backwards. There are many things that may trigger a reversal, but don’t be alarmed. That happens; it is not unusual and you should not feel as though you are not, on the whole, moving forward. As an example, you may have a lot of anger in you as to how your child died. As you move through the awareness stage to the withdrawal stage, there is a chance your anger could resurface again and you feel like you have gone backwards. Again, let me say, this is a normal reaction, just as it is normal to question how long this is all going to take before you feel like a whole person again.
The truth is nothing will ever be the same again because you are now a different person with different priorities and different goals. Your child is no longer the center of your life and so you must try very hard to make a new life…one without your child, but one that is both rewarding to you and can perhaps honor your child.
You redefine yourself with the choices you make. You actually chose how you will survive. You can decide whether you are going to be bitter, or you can open yourself to the changes and confront the lessons of grief and treat them as opportunities for growth. Because of what has happened to us, we can learn to have greater courage, we can learn to appreciate different aspects of life that we took for granted before, we can learn the importance of reaching out to others in the same situation who may not be at the same destination but are on the same journey, and we can learn a deeper compassion for others. These are but a few of the lessons of grief that can lead us to a new joy for living if we allow them to.
None of this will happen overnight, and we can’t expect it to. Just know that a grief journey is very hard work, the hardest job you will ever have to do. But you will survive and you will get through it in your own time.
I hear this a lot. Don’t be impatient. The fact that you want to feel better and move on with your life after the loss of a child is a good sign. What you don’t realize is that it may take a very long time. Each of us reacts differently. Each of us heals differently. There is no set time that you should be well and functioning again. Your mind will do a lot of the work for you. And your body and how you react to your loss will do a lot of the rest. You may be able to do it yourself, you may have family and friends to help you, or you may need professional help. You are in a very vulnerable period of your life; healing is questionable. You must do what is best for you using the resources available to you.
All of us who have lost a child know of the five steps of grief: shock, awareness of loss, withdrawal, healing and renewal. (I will talk about them again in my next blog.) This does not mean you will go through each step and move on to the next systematically. You may very well take a step backwards. There are many things that may trigger a reversal, but don’t be alarmed. That happens; it is not unusual and you should not feel as though you are not, on the whole, moving forward. As an example, you may have a lot of anger in you as to how your child died. As you move through the awareness stage to the withdrawal stage, there is a chance your anger could resurface again and you feel like you have gone backwards. Again, let me say, this is a normal reaction, just as it is normal to question how long this is all going to take before you feel like a whole person again.
The truth is nothing will ever be the same again because you are now a different person with different priorities and different goals. Your child is no longer the center of your life and so you must try very hard to make a new life…one without your child, but one that is both rewarding to you and can perhaps honor your child.
You redefine yourself with the choices you make. You actually chose how you will survive. You can decide whether you are going to be bitter, or you can open yourself to the changes and confront the lessons of grief and treat them as opportunities for growth. Because of what has happened to us, we can learn to have greater courage, we can learn to appreciate different aspects of life that we took for granted before, we can learn the importance of reaching out to others in the same situation who may not be at the same destination but are on the same journey, and we can learn a deeper compassion for others. These are but a few of the lessons of grief that can lead us to a new joy for living if we allow them to.
None of this will happen overnight, and we can’t expect it to. Just know that a grief journey is very hard work, the hardest job you will ever have to do. But you will survive and you will get through it in your own time.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Is There Any Good That Comes from Child Loss?
Is there anything good that comes from losing a child? At first all you feel is excruciating heartache, ever present loneliness, deep emptiness, the old life gone forever, the future a blur, the person you loved most in the world gone forever, and you…changed forever. Nothing is ever the same again. You are a different person.
Days, months, years may pass and you cope as best you can.
And then…out of the depth of grief and despair, grows something remarkable. You begin to see others in the same situation; some of them just moving on one day at a time, others deciding to do something with their lives as they now saw that life…without their child. One bereaved parent meeting another, sharing stories, sharing memories, sharing hopes and dreams of a future they no longer have. And every one of them understands, for they have been there too. They understand as no one else can. There is a need that starts growing inside to do something in memory of the child, a need to show others there is hope and light at the end of a dark tunnel. Who better to do it? I, too, have been there.
Since my daughter’s death, I have met so many people I would have never met in my lifetime. Good, kind, caring people who have lived through the worst possible thing that could ever happen to them. I have met so many who have done so much for others that it has encouraged me to go out and try to help others also. I find it so rewarding. My saying has become, “If I can help just one person, then I have made a difference.” And I do it always with my daughter in my mind and in my heart. I do it in her memory. I do it because I know that she, also, would have done what I do for others, even though, in a different situation. I know that because I have been told for 15 years how she was the rock that bound everyone together. Such a wonderful thing to learn about your child, who you knew deep down was good, but never realized how good.
My life is so different than I would have ever imagined, and I wish I could share it with my daughter. I wrote a book that came from deep inside me. I began speaking to groups about coping with grief. I now write two weekly blogs. I have discovered in helping others, I also help myself.
I developed new priorities and goals. Some things that would have seemed a long time ago very important in my life may have no significance at all anymore. It is because I have already lost the one thing that always added meaning to my life. At one time I dreamed of my life revolving around grandchildren and family. Now it is making a contented life with my new husband of three years and enjoying as best I can what is left of the time I have here on earth.
I also look at things around me more closely now, a brilliant sunrise or sunset. I see beauty I never noticed before: the dessert blooming, the baby birds nesting close-by. It was always there. I was just too busy with the trivial things. I am more sensitive to news stories on TV about children, about war, about the economy. I live more in the moment because I have discovered that sometimes ‘tomorrow never comes.”
Friends say to me they couldn’t have survived losing a child. They don’t understand how I do it. They say they know they never could. I say to them, “Yes, you can. You, too, are a survivor, just like me. What other choice do we have?”
I believe that what I have done with my life is because of my daughter’s life…the fact that she lived has made me a better person…the person I am today. Thank you, Marcy, for living, for changing the world in some small way, and for continuing to help me make a difference.
Days, months, years may pass and you cope as best you can.
And then…out of the depth of grief and despair, grows something remarkable. You begin to see others in the same situation; some of them just moving on one day at a time, others deciding to do something with their lives as they now saw that life…without their child. One bereaved parent meeting another, sharing stories, sharing memories, sharing hopes and dreams of a future they no longer have. And every one of them understands, for they have been there too. They understand as no one else can. There is a need that starts growing inside to do something in memory of the child, a need to show others there is hope and light at the end of a dark tunnel. Who better to do it? I, too, have been there.
Since my daughter’s death, I have met so many people I would have never met in my lifetime. Good, kind, caring people who have lived through the worst possible thing that could ever happen to them. I have met so many who have done so much for others that it has encouraged me to go out and try to help others also. I find it so rewarding. My saying has become, “If I can help just one person, then I have made a difference.” And I do it always with my daughter in my mind and in my heart. I do it in her memory. I do it because I know that she, also, would have done what I do for others, even though, in a different situation. I know that because I have been told for 15 years how she was the rock that bound everyone together. Such a wonderful thing to learn about your child, who you knew deep down was good, but never realized how good.
My life is so different than I would have ever imagined, and I wish I could share it with my daughter. I wrote a book that came from deep inside me. I began speaking to groups about coping with grief. I now write two weekly blogs. I have discovered in helping others, I also help myself.
I developed new priorities and goals. Some things that would have seemed a long time ago very important in my life may have no significance at all anymore. It is because I have already lost the one thing that always added meaning to my life. At one time I dreamed of my life revolving around grandchildren and family. Now it is making a contented life with my new husband of three years and enjoying as best I can what is left of the time I have here on earth.
I also look at things around me more closely now, a brilliant sunrise or sunset. I see beauty I never noticed before: the dessert blooming, the baby birds nesting close-by. It was always there. I was just too busy with the trivial things. I am more sensitive to news stories on TV about children, about war, about the economy. I live more in the moment because I have discovered that sometimes ‘tomorrow never comes.”
Friends say to me they couldn’t have survived losing a child. They don’t understand how I do it. They say they know they never could. I say to them, “Yes, you can. You, too, are a survivor, just like me. What other choice do we have?”
I believe that what I have done with my life is because of my daughter’s life…the fact that she lived has made me a better person…the person I am today. Thank you, Marcy, for living, for changing the world in some small way, and for continuing to help me make a difference.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Dealing With Wrongful Deaths
I have been asked by a few parents, who have seen information on the internet, to comment on wrongful deaths. Below is some information related to this topic. I would encourage anyone involved with this or who knows someone who is, to check with a lawyer before pursuing anything legally. Each state has different interpretations of the laws.
A wrongful death refers to a lawsuit that claims a victim was killed due to an individual, company or entity’s misdeed and carelessness. The victim’s survivors are entitled to monetary damages as a result of improper conduct or negligence. A wrongful death claim could result from one of the following: auto, motorcycle, airplane, helicopter or boating accident; a medical malpractice resulting in decedent’s death; criminal behavior, occupational exposure to hazardous conditions or substances; or a death caused by negligence during a supervised activity.
Ron Goldman’s suit of O.J. Simpson for the death of his son is an example of this. Although he won the case, he has never seen one penny of the compensation he asked for.
I know of one mother whose son was killed while in military training, not in enemy combat. The irony was that this boy was willing to give his life for his country by being in the military in combat, but this is not what happened. According to his parents, the death was unnecessary and happened through carelessness. Without going into detail, the parents chose to pursue legal means due to their son’s death. Not all those involved choose this route, but these parents did as did Ron Goldman.
Dealing with a tragic or sudden death is very difficult. You may not even be able to deal with it right away, but it is best if evidence can be gathered in a reasonable time if the case is going to be pursued. A skilled lawyer can help collect evidence, give legal tips or advice, complete all necessary legal documents and built a case against the opposing party. Those involved should clarify the lawyer’s payment system and how and when updates will be given on the progress of the case.
Parents and surviving family members such as a wife or children may be entitled to receive compensation from an insurance company or from those held accountable for the death. Even though no amount of money will compensate for the loss, receiving compensation may somehow console the grief felt.
Medical, hospital, funeral expenses and pain and suffering are the most common areas that you see compensation given. Different states have different statutes and laws that must be followed and that would have to be checked out carefully.
As the military parents said, they would have preferred not to have to deal with it at all, but in their son’s memory, they felt they had to do something. In their grief they also sought out TAPS, a grief support group for those who have been affected by the death of a loved one in the military. TAPS helped them deal with their loss emotionally, they told me. “We couldn’t have made it through without them,” they said. Seeking professional help for the emotional aspect is as important as seeking legal help.
A wrongful death refers to a lawsuit that claims a victim was killed due to an individual, company or entity’s misdeed and carelessness. The victim’s survivors are entitled to monetary damages as a result of improper conduct or negligence. A wrongful death claim could result from one of the following: auto, motorcycle, airplane, helicopter or boating accident; a medical malpractice resulting in decedent’s death; criminal behavior, occupational exposure to hazardous conditions or substances; or a death caused by negligence during a supervised activity.
Ron Goldman’s suit of O.J. Simpson for the death of his son is an example of this. Although he won the case, he has never seen one penny of the compensation he asked for.
I know of one mother whose son was killed while in military training, not in enemy combat. The irony was that this boy was willing to give his life for his country by being in the military in combat, but this is not what happened. According to his parents, the death was unnecessary and happened through carelessness. Without going into detail, the parents chose to pursue legal means due to their son’s death. Not all those involved choose this route, but these parents did as did Ron Goldman.
Dealing with a tragic or sudden death is very difficult. You may not even be able to deal with it right away, but it is best if evidence can be gathered in a reasonable time if the case is going to be pursued. A skilled lawyer can help collect evidence, give legal tips or advice, complete all necessary legal documents and built a case against the opposing party. Those involved should clarify the lawyer’s payment system and how and when updates will be given on the progress of the case.
Parents and surviving family members such as a wife or children may be entitled to receive compensation from an insurance company or from those held accountable for the death. Even though no amount of money will compensate for the loss, receiving compensation may somehow console the grief felt.
Medical, hospital, funeral expenses and pain and suffering are the most common areas that you see compensation given. Different states have different statutes and laws that must be followed and that would have to be checked out carefully.
As the military parents said, they would have preferred not to have to deal with it at all, but in their son’s memory, they felt they had to do something. In their grief they also sought out TAPS, a grief support group for those who have been affected by the death of a loved one in the military. TAPS helped them deal with their loss emotionally, they told me. “We couldn’t have made it through without them,” they said. Seeking professional help for the emotional aspect is as important as seeking legal help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
