What do you do with your child's possessions when he/she suddenly dies? No parent likes to think of this possibility, but it happens and usually with no warning.
Eleven year old Nima Gibba left home for school in January of 2009 and never returned. She was a victim in a deadly car accident when a drunk driver ran a red light. Nima's step-mother found going into Nima's room therapeutic--a reminder of the girl she helped raise and the joy she brought. The father found the room to be a source of grief--a constant and painful reminder of Nima's untimely death.
Nima, a sixth-grader, was a positive, generous soul and committed to helping others. The family had planned a trip to the father's home country, Gambia, which the couple now decided to visit as a way of resolving their different ways of coping and brought Nima's toys, clothes, books and other personal effects to give to children in need in that poor country. It became a powerful coping mechanism for them. Three years later, the couple started Nima's Wish Foundation. This new agency seels to aid the Gambian people in many ways, from education and health to improved agriculture and transportation systems. For Nima's parents, it provided an outlet to do something that others cannot--create good out of tragedy.
One of the projects will alleviate some of the work of gathering drinking water by providing solar-run water pumps and storage tanks. Another will provide Gambian women in rural areas, who often walk at least 12 miles a day to gather wood for cooking, with more efficient wood-oburning stoves. They hope this spring to host a large benefit concert for the new foundation.
Nima's parents realize she had a lot of potential to bring people together by doing positive things. They, too, hope to do the same through their foundation.
I know this feeling for when I started a foundation in my daughter's name to help students in college afford to continue their education when all looked hopeless, it was a great feeling. So far two extremely intelligent women who seem like real go-getters have profitted from Marcy's funds. I hope in the future the foundation will help many others. Marcy was able to bring people together; her friends still tell me to this day, almost 18 years later. She had a gift of never wanting others to be the underdogs; she knew what that was like early in life and was determined to overcome any adversity. And she did. It is so sad she never fulfilled her dreams, but I hope to help her accomplish that as Nima's parents hope to help the people of Gambia.
Visit www.nimaswish.com or www.adalternatives.org for more information or to donate.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Grief Has No Borders
When I was in Brussels, Belgium, recently, I found a reference to Compassionate Friends and a couple's phone number in a magazine called The Bulletin. I called the number referenced and spoke to a lovely British lady who has lived in Brussels with her husband for the past 40 years. She informed me that Brussels at one time did have a Compassionate Friends chapter but no longer. She does still refer those who need help to a chapter as close as possible and answers any questions they may have.
As we spoke I told her that I am very active at the national level of the U.S. Compassionate Friends and speak each year at their national conferences. We chatted for a few more minutes and she invited my husband and I over for a dinner, which I thought was very nice of her. Our first attempt at getting together failed due to a snow storm causing transportation problems, but our second attempt a few nights later worked. They live a few miles from where we were staying, met us at the metro station and drove us to their home.
It was a lovely condominium in an upscale neighborhood where the residents spoke mostly English. They served us a smoked salmon appetizer on bread with drinks, and for dinner we had a fish pie with Haddock and Salmon on a bed of thinly sliced potatoes and cheese. A salad and vegetables with a fresh fruit dessert accompanied the meal. It was all very delicious.
The rooms in their home were large with modern furniture, wooden floors and family pictures all around, both of their son and his two boys and their daughter who died of cancer 23 years ago. They said that it was only when they found the Compassionate Friends support group which used to be active in Brussels, that they knew they would survive the death of their daughter. Since then, they have been the Compassionate Friends representative in Belgium and meet many people who have lost children. They talk to them, at times invite them over for a meal, and even go to their home. They have made many friends from these contacts and feel comfortable with those who understand what they have been through and they, in turn, try to help others as best they can.
We found we had many similarities: both of our daughters were born the same year and her daughter died 4 years before mine. We both lost best friends when our daughters died, while others came out of the woodwork to do anything they could for us. And we both felt there was much to live for and lots we could do to help others. People just don't understand unless they've gone through it, we both concluded. The pain will always be there, but we go on.
I believe she found us very comfortable to talk to as she spoke of her children and told us things she has never been able to talk about before. It was truly cathartic for her to be able to tell someone, who she was sure would understand, about both her daughter who died and her son, who is going through a divorce now.
We agreed to meet again before my husband and I left Brussels to get a bite to eat, chat, and most importantly, be comfortable talking about our children together.
Grief has no borders, my husband said, and he is right. People all over the world lose a child, any age, any cause, and we all go through the same grief journey. If we are lucky enough to meet and share our experiences with others as we travel the world, we are all the better for it.
As we spoke I told her that I am very active at the national level of the U.S. Compassionate Friends and speak each year at their national conferences. We chatted for a few more minutes and she invited my husband and I over for a dinner, which I thought was very nice of her. Our first attempt at getting together failed due to a snow storm causing transportation problems, but our second attempt a few nights later worked. They live a few miles from where we were staying, met us at the metro station and drove us to their home.
It was a lovely condominium in an upscale neighborhood where the residents spoke mostly English. They served us a smoked salmon appetizer on bread with drinks, and for dinner we had a fish pie with Haddock and Salmon on a bed of thinly sliced potatoes and cheese. A salad and vegetables with a fresh fruit dessert accompanied the meal. It was all very delicious.
The rooms in their home were large with modern furniture, wooden floors and family pictures all around, both of their son and his two boys and their daughter who died of cancer 23 years ago. They said that it was only when they found the Compassionate Friends support group which used to be active in Brussels, that they knew they would survive the death of their daughter. Since then, they have been the Compassionate Friends representative in Belgium and meet many people who have lost children. They talk to them, at times invite them over for a meal, and even go to their home. They have made many friends from these contacts and feel comfortable with those who understand what they have been through and they, in turn, try to help others as best they can.
We found we had many similarities: both of our daughters were born the same year and her daughter died 4 years before mine. We both lost best friends when our daughters died, while others came out of the woodwork to do anything they could for us. And we both felt there was much to live for and lots we could do to help others. People just don't understand unless they've gone through it, we both concluded. The pain will always be there, but we go on.
I believe she found us very comfortable to talk to as she spoke of her children and told us things she has never been able to talk about before. It was truly cathartic for her to be able to tell someone, who she was sure would understand, about both her daughter who died and her son, who is going through a divorce now.
We agreed to meet again before my husband and I left Brussels to get a bite to eat, chat, and most importantly, be comfortable talking about our children together.
Grief has no borders, my husband said, and he is right. People all over the world lose a child, any age, any cause, and we all go through the same grief journey. If we are lucky enough to meet and share our experiences with others as we travel the world, we are all the better for it.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Making Memories Come Alive
What should bereaved parents do if their only child dies and the decision is to have another child? Is your family now three (with the new child) or four (including the one who died)? How do you answer someone you meet who asks in conversation, "How many children do you have?" The following story relates how one friend of mine dealt with this situation.
My friend's twin children died in a car accident about 10 years ago. The mother was driving, but the accident was not her fault. The pain of their deaths, the mother said, was unbearable. She didn't know if she or her husband could go on without them. But thanks to a Compassinate Friends group in her area, they were able to move on with their lives, knowing that their new friends understood what they were going through and would help in any way they could.
As the years passed, the couple spoke many times about either having more children, adopting a child, or living the rest of their lives without children. Their choice was to have another child; they were young enough and felt they had enough love inside for another child. Litttle did they know that God had a much bigger plan for them. Not only did they have another child, but two additional children were born. This couple always emphasized to others that the new children were not there to take the place of the two that had died years before.
And to prove that, they decided to make the memory of the first two children come alive for the other two that now graced their lives by doing a variety of things. First, they always talked about the ones who died. The parents would tell the new children how much they were loved, what they were like, what kinds of foods they enjoyed, what they hated/loved to do, what bothered them, and just how they felt about many things.
The children were always curious and continually asked questions about them and naturally, about the accident. The parents never hesitated to tell them the entire story of what had happened. They were honest about their feelings, and the children seemed to understand and tell others that theirs was a family of six, not four; that two of their sisters had died in a car accident. They embraced the two children who died as part of their lives then and continue to do so.
The second thing the parents did was to take them to the cemetery to see the twins' graves on special occasions such as their birthday, the anniversary of their death dates and especially for holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. They were allowed to decorate the graves on those special occasions and they enjoyed doing it.
Third, the parents always told the children stories about the twins, things that happened in school, awards they won, how they dressed alike and how no one could tell them apart.
By telling stories of loved ones, eventually the past will be recorded and a history of the entire family is born and preserved. Another way to record the past, present and future is to keep precious moments and momentos in a photo/scrapbook of all four children. If videos or DVD's of the children who died are available, it is likely that the new children will want to see them and by doing that, will merge the past, present and future of their family.
If you have a child who died and decide to have other children, it is good advice to incorporate into your life, if at all possible, these and other ways you may think of, for a full past that can be remembered from generation to generation.
Editor's note: if you have other ideas of incorporating this family concept into one's life, please share in the comments section.
My friend's twin children died in a car accident about 10 years ago. The mother was driving, but the accident was not her fault. The pain of their deaths, the mother said, was unbearable. She didn't know if she or her husband could go on without them. But thanks to a Compassinate Friends group in her area, they were able to move on with their lives, knowing that their new friends understood what they were going through and would help in any way they could.
As the years passed, the couple spoke many times about either having more children, adopting a child, or living the rest of their lives without children. Their choice was to have another child; they were young enough and felt they had enough love inside for another child. Litttle did they know that God had a much bigger plan for them. Not only did they have another child, but two additional children were born. This couple always emphasized to others that the new children were not there to take the place of the two that had died years before.
And to prove that, they decided to make the memory of the first two children come alive for the other two that now graced their lives by doing a variety of things. First, they always talked about the ones who died. The parents would tell the new children how much they were loved, what they were like, what kinds of foods they enjoyed, what they hated/loved to do, what bothered them, and just how they felt about many things.
The children were always curious and continually asked questions about them and naturally, about the accident. The parents never hesitated to tell them the entire story of what had happened. They were honest about their feelings, and the children seemed to understand and tell others that theirs was a family of six, not four; that two of their sisters had died in a car accident. They embraced the two children who died as part of their lives then and continue to do so.
The second thing the parents did was to take them to the cemetery to see the twins' graves on special occasions such as their birthday, the anniversary of their death dates and especially for holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. They were allowed to decorate the graves on those special occasions and they enjoyed doing it.
Third, the parents always told the children stories about the twins, things that happened in school, awards they won, how they dressed alike and how no one could tell them apart.
By telling stories of loved ones, eventually the past will be recorded and a history of the entire family is born and preserved. Another way to record the past, present and future is to keep precious moments and momentos in a photo/scrapbook of all four children. If videos or DVD's of the children who died are available, it is likely that the new children will want to see them and by doing that, will merge the past, present and future of their family.
If you have a child who died and decide to have other children, it is good advice to incorporate into your life, if at all possible, these and other ways you may think of, for a full past that can be remembered from generation to generation.
Editor's note: if you have other ideas of incorporating this family concept into one's life, please share in the comments section.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Grieving Lost Life's Events
For bereaved parents who have lost an only child or all their children, many of life's events you thought you'd experience are no longer valid. Depending on the age your child died, you could experience any or all of the following:
First days of school - If you were lucky enough to be able to be a stay-at-home mom, letting go of your child the first day of school, whether it is a day care, kindergarten or first grade can be tramatic for both the child and the parent, but it is an event that you would probably always remember since it was labeled a 'first' in that memory book of yours.
Photos - School pictures were very important to me, and I was lucky enough to get them every year and frame them on a wall of my home for a not only a great momento but also a brillant look at the change in my child over the years. I was also fortunate to have many other pictures, some of which are special, like my daughter's wedding day, but none passed that occasion.
Sporting events - Whether your child liked to participate or just watch sports, live or on TV, this would definitely bring back fond memories of happy times together and then sad they are no longer part of your life.
First dates - An awkward stage of a child's life is that first date, knowing they are growing up, wanting to protect them, but realizing you must let them go out on their own.
Driving lessons - I was always concerned about driving, but was comforted knowing she was a safe driver. I worried about the other car. She was very active and because she was so responsible, I bought her a car immediately upon getting her license and set her free after she passed all the lessons. The irony that she was killed by an irresponsible driver will always gnaw at me.
Awards - Your child probably received awards throughout his/her life and you were so proud. Remain proud in remembering those happy occasions and keep those awards to look back on.
Graduations, weddings, grandchildren, anniversaries, birthdays, vacations or holidays to celebrate as a family - These are all special, happy occasions. If you were lucky enough to experience them, keep them in a corner of your heart forever.
Dealing with missed life events is part of the grief journey. Life does go on, even if you wish it would stand still. New memories can be created, even though we will always remember our children never got a chance to experience some or all of them. The grief journey will last a lifetime. The pain will eventually recede but it will never go away completely. Moving on with your life is the key to surviving the death of a child. Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need in any way you need. Then find a new way to channel your grief, and your life will become very rewarding.
First days of school - If you were lucky enough to be able to be a stay-at-home mom, letting go of your child the first day of school, whether it is a day care, kindergarten or first grade can be tramatic for both the child and the parent, but it is an event that you would probably always remember since it was labeled a 'first' in that memory book of yours.
Photos - School pictures were very important to me, and I was lucky enough to get them every year and frame them on a wall of my home for a not only a great momento but also a brillant look at the change in my child over the years. I was also fortunate to have many other pictures, some of which are special, like my daughter's wedding day, but none passed that occasion.
Sporting events - Whether your child liked to participate or just watch sports, live or on TV, this would definitely bring back fond memories of happy times together and then sad they are no longer part of your life.
First dates - An awkward stage of a child's life is that first date, knowing they are growing up, wanting to protect them, but realizing you must let them go out on their own.
Driving lessons - I was always concerned about driving, but was comforted knowing she was a safe driver. I worried about the other car. She was very active and because she was so responsible, I bought her a car immediately upon getting her license and set her free after she passed all the lessons. The irony that she was killed by an irresponsible driver will always gnaw at me.
Awards - Your child probably received awards throughout his/her life and you were so proud. Remain proud in remembering those happy occasions and keep those awards to look back on.
Graduations, weddings, grandchildren, anniversaries, birthdays, vacations or holidays to celebrate as a family - These are all special, happy occasions. If you were lucky enough to experience them, keep them in a corner of your heart forever.
Dealing with missed life events is part of the grief journey. Life does go on, even if you wish it would stand still. New memories can be created, even though we will always remember our children never got a chance to experience some or all of them. The grief journey will last a lifetime. The pain will eventually recede but it will never go away completely. Moving on with your life is the key to surviving the death of a child. Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need in any way you need. Then find a new way to channel your grief, and your life will become very rewarding.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
A New Book "Kayak Morning"
In 2007, Roger Rosenblatt's 38-year-old daughter, Amy, died unexpectedly of an undetected heart condition. In his first memoir "Making Toast," (2010) an outlet for his grief, he chronicled how he moved to his daughter's home in Maryland, pulling everyone together to create a hectic, mutigenerational household (caring for his wife, two grown sons and six grandchildren) saving them all and helping to force them into the future. In his new book, "Kayak Morning" this bereaved father speaks on this unacceptable loss, a loss he still deals with. But as he and all of us who have lost a child, say, "Even as we get on with our lives, the grief remains with us always." And so, what can we do to move on in a positive way?
This is our challenge, he comes to understand, as he explores alone for many hours one morning in his kayak, both his own life and that of the half mile long creek. "The nice thing about kayaking is that you ride the surface, which is akin to dealing with the task at hand." Rosenblatt, a versatile author of more than 15 books, an award-winning journalist, playwright and teacher, says that writing, like kayaking, requires precision and restraint and keeps him afloat.
While in the kayak he explores the pain, bafflement and yet deepening compassion that have engulfed him since Amy's death. His observations are sometimes somber but always rich. "You can't always make your way in the world by moving up or down. Boats move laterally on water, which levels everything." Drifting on the water, he he realizes that art does not make up a life. Nor does experience or death. It is Love.
"Kayak Morning" is a solitary book. Rosenblatt is alone with his own thoughts. He does not update you about his family that he introduces in 'Making Toast." What is here is the thoughs and feelings of a father ,who also happens to be a writer, as he struggles with a grief that seems to go on with no end in sight. Readers, however, may find his words comforting and insightful.
Since there are so few books written by bereaved fathers, many men may also find Rosenblatt's newest book comforting to how they, too, are feeling.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Grief Opportunities
Look for opportunities that will help you on your grief journey. When you are ready (and don’t rush it), try to find an activity to distract your mind from your loss.
It could be something at your child’s school. Perhaps you always wanted to be a teacher, but you were too busy raising a family. Now you have the time. You may want to volunteer to help as an assistant in one of the classes. Schools can always use volunteers.
You may want to seek out a cause. For example, if your child was killed by a drunk driver, you may want to contact MADD or SADD and ask to be a speaker at one of their meetings or conferences.
You may feel like going to a football game, a basketball game or a movie. At a sporting event, you’ll be able to get rid of some bottled up emotions when you scream and shout for the team you are routing for. At the theater, see a funny movie so you can laugh. Laughing out loud is good for you and can calm you down.
If you are the type who likes to shop, go buy yourself a new dress or blouse. If you can think pleasant thoughts about looking pretty, you can improve your mood.
Perhaps you are religious and attending a church service or meditating are good activities and will force you to think of positive thoughts.
Spend time walking or running outside. The fresh air, the sounds of birds and other animals, the beautiful scenery and the good weather could lift your spirits and relieve tension.
Try engaging yourself in more family activities. If you have other children, they will not only be worried about you, but also feel left out. Remember, they too have suffered a loss, and it is hard for them also. By including them in your thoughts and activities, your family can remain close.
By doing any of these activities, you will meet new people and perhaps find in them a great support system to help you move on with your life. You can also contact many organizations that deal with child loss. My new book lists them all for you to peruse.
Whatever you decide to do, don’t do it because you are trying to get over your loss; do it because you are just trying to get through the loss. Everyone who has lost a child knows it is easy to suggest these ideas but it is another thing to do them and be able to help yourself on your road to recovery.
It could be something at your child’s school. Perhaps you always wanted to be a teacher, but you were too busy raising a family. Now you have the time. You may want to volunteer to help as an assistant in one of the classes. Schools can always use volunteers.
You may want to seek out a cause. For example, if your child was killed by a drunk driver, you may want to contact MADD or SADD and ask to be a speaker at one of their meetings or conferences.
You may feel like going to a football game, a basketball game or a movie. At a sporting event, you’ll be able to get rid of some bottled up emotions when you scream and shout for the team you are routing for. At the theater, see a funny movie so you can laugh. Laughing out loud is good for you and can calm you down.
If you are the type who likes to shop, go buy yourself a new dress or blouse. If you can think pleasant thoughts about looking pretty, you can improve your mood.
Perhaps you are religious and attending a church service or meditating are good activities and will force you to think of positive thoughts.
Spend time walking or running outside. The fresh air, the sounds of birds and other animals, the beautiful scenery and the good weather could lift your spirits and relieve tension.
Try engaging yourself in more family activities. If you have other children, they will not only be worried about you, but also feel left out. Remember, they too have suffered a loss, and it is hard for them also. By including them in your thoughts and activities, your family can remain close.
By doing any of these activities, you will meet new people and perhaps find in them a great support system to help you move on with your life. You can also contact many organizations that deal with child loss. My new book lists them all for you to peruse.
Whatever you decide to do, don’t do it because you are trying to get over your loss; do it because you are just trying to get through the loss. Everyone who has lost a child knows it is easy to suggest these ideas but it is another thing to do them and be able to help yourself on your road to recovery.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Diagraming Your Emotions While Grieving
When you are on a grief journey, your whole reality changes. You are no longer the person you were before the death of your beloved child. You are facing the hardest challenge in your life. It is an emotional challenge to return to the living and move on with your life. Emotions can be overwhelming and many can not think clearly when on a grief journey. Your mind may wonder; you may have trouble focusing; you may have trouble making simple decisions or you may even think you are going crazy. Your mind may be confused, and you could feel disoriented.
You will need to find a new normal after the death. For some, grief can be more manageable if you can visually see your thoughts and feelings on paper. I encourage you to try this diagram exercise to see if it can be of help to you. .
As an example, in the middle of the paper put the words “GRIEF JOURNEY.” There are many different ways you can handle this exercise. First, draw lines from the middle of the circle and
(1) label each line with a thought or feeling that has come about because of your loved one dying. For example on one line you can put “anger.”. Next to the word, list why you feel angry. Another line could have the word “frightened” and you could list next to it what frightens you now that your child is gone. The word “emptiness” might also work for you. Or you may want to
(2) label your lines as to what will help you through your journey. For example, you could list “caring friends.” And next to it, list what friends can do to help you. Or another list could be “exercising” and what you would do to keep healthy.
Another way to do this diagram would be to change the middle of the circle to another topic related to your loss.
(3) use the middle of your circle as a label for “LIST OF GOALS” for the next year. This could be something as simple as cleaning out your child’s closet, redecorating your home, learning to play the piano or listen to music to sooth the spirit, whether it be rock, blues, classical or folk (music can be very healing). List as many as you can think of.
(4) Another topic for the middle of your circle can be “WHAT GIVES ME PLEASURE” during the day. You can include on your lines: reading, exercising, gardening or just working on the computer. They are all ideas you can do with little effort as you work your way through the pain. Think of some more for yourself.
When you get finished with your circle, explain what you have written to your spouse or your best friend. This diagram may allow them to understand how you are feeling much better and in turn, they might be able to help you on your journey through grief.
Don’t think for one minute that this will cure you and make the pain go away. But by expressing your true emotions, perhaps you can move towards healing very slowly, rather than be stuck and not know what to do. According to Alan Wolfelt, grief specialist, “We honor our emotions when we give attention to them.”
Without denying how much you are hurting, you still have a lot to be thankful for. Your life still has meaning; it just takes time to feel those emotions and act on them.
You will need to find a new normal after the death. For some, grief can be more manageable if you can visually see your thoughts and feelings on paper. I encourage you to try this diagram exercise to see if it can be of help to you. .
As an example, in the middle of the paper put the words “GRIEF JOURNEY.” There are many different ways you can handle this exercise. First, draw lines from the middle of the circle and
(1) label each line with a thought or feeling that has come about because of your loved one dying. For example on one line you can put “anger.”. Next to the word, list why you feel angry. Another line could have the word “frightened” and you could list next to it what frightens you now that your child is gone. The word “emptiness” might also work for you. Or you may want to
(2) label your lines as to what will help you through your journey. For example, you could list “caring friends.” And next to it, list what friends can do to help you. Or another list could be “exercising” and what you would do to keep healthy.
Another way to do this diagram would be to change the middle of the circle to another topic related to your loss.
(3) use the middle of your circle as a label for “LIST OF GOALS” for the next year. This could be something as simple as cleaning out your child’s closet, redecorating your home, learning to play the piano or listen to music to sooth the spirit, whether it be rock, blues, classical or folk (music can be very healing). List as many as you can think of.
(4) Another topic for the middle of your circle can be “WHAT GIVES ME PLEASURE” during the day. You can include on your lines: reading, exercising, gardening or just working on the computer. They are all ideas you can do with little effort as you work your way through the pain. Think of some more for yourself.
When you get finished with your circle, explain what you have written to your spouse or your best friend. This diagram may allow them to understand how you are feeling much better and in turn, they might be able to help you on your journey through grief.
Don’t think for one minute that this will cure you and make the pain go away. But by expressing your true emotions, perhaps you can move towards healing very slowly, rather than be stuck and not know what to do. According to Alan Wolfelt, grief specialist, “We honor our emotions when we give attention to them.”
Without denying how much you are hurting, you still have a lot to be thankful for. Your life still has meaning; it just takes time to feel those emotions and act on them.
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