Visiting the Cemetery

Some may call my visits to the cemetery excessive. I go on my daughter’s death day, her birthday, my birthday and the holiday season. I also go before an extensive trip, so five times a year.

I go not only to feel close to her but also to make sure I clean her gravestone, which gets full of calcium from the watering and dirt from the rain and mowing. I feel it is important to do that and want it to look nice for anyone else who may come. 

Some may think I overdo it, that it is morbid to go so often, and that I am obsessing. I have a great need to go, to sit quietly, to talk to my daughter and to think about happier times. There is something very peaceful about a quiet cemetery where the only sound is an occasional train passing by very slowly, like they, too, are paying their respects.

Each time I go, I look at a broken gravestone in the row behind my daughter and shake my head. It has been broken for over 15 years. Doesn’t anyone come to visit, and can’t they see how bad the stone looks, broken in half? No attempt has ever been made to fix it. Perhaps the relatives live far away and never come…or perhaps there are no relatives. It makes me sad to see this and more determined than ever to keep watch over my daughter’s grave and hope that never happens to hers.

There are no rules about visiting the cemetery. I believe each person needs to do what is best for them, whether it is visiting every day, every few months or never going back after the funeral is over. Unless one knows the pain of losing the most important person in your life, it is impossible to understand that need.

I go to the cemetery with my husband (not my daughter’s father) but a compassionate, loving individual, who understands its importance to me. I don’t tell anyone else where I’m going or where I’ve been. I know some people get uncomfortable talking about death and visitations, so we go alone.

How often one goes to the cemetery has absolutely nothing to do with the length and depth of your expression of grief. Everyone must do what makes them comfortable, not what pleases others. In this instance, the bereave’s needs come first and one must do what makes one feel better.

Defining My Life

Author Anna Quindlen stated, “Our lives are defined by those we have lost.” I definitely agree with this statement. I can see that my life would have gone in another direction completely had my daughter lived. Her death has led me to do things I would never have dreamed I could do. Good things, as it has turned out.

For one, I am now a published author. I have learned a lot about surviving grief in the last 21 years and putting a lot of it down on paper in my two books. I vow to help others by what I say on those pages and expose my heart to everyone. It turns out to be a good feeling. “And I smile, hearing my daughter say to me, “Mom, when are you going to write the great American novel?” Little did I ever dream my books would be about her, me and many, many other bereaved  parents surviving the worst possible thing that can happen to us.

In another time and place, I couldn’t have gotten up in front of a group of bereaved parents and talked about my child and my very personal feelings when she died and afterwards. I now speak to groups, both nationally and locally about creating a new normal after the death of a child, how everything is different, how my goals and priorities have changed, and how what used to be important no longer has any meaning. I know what has to be done, and I choose to do it through speaking.

I have become a more compassionate person and try to help those who need guidance in moving on with their lives. I listen to the bereaved. They want to tell their story. I understand that, and I try to be a good listener so that, when I am asked a question, I have an answer for them. It may not be what they want to hear at the moment, but I always ask in the end what I can do to help. 

I agree with author Marilyn Heavilin, who says that she has chosen to make every day count because she-and I-realize life comes with no guarantees. So we live for ourselves and our children. We may decide to do what we know would have made them happy and what would make them proud of us, even though the pain of losing them burns a continuing searing hole in our hearts and always will. We honor our children by making the most of our lives, and we will always remember them.

Yes, my life has changed considerably from ‘happily ever after.’ But I have found joy in what I do and in what I have now, and I must be content with that.

Grief Over a Sibling's Death

You never think it can happen to your perfect family. And then it does. How do sibling’s grieve and what are some paths or directions you can follow or have your parents talk to you about. Parents need also to understand how your grief is different from theirs.

Like every other kind of grief, it will take time to work through it. Everyone’s grief is unique. No two people or siblings grieve alike, so it may take you and your other loved ones different time indicators to work through your feelings of loss or hurt. If you were very close to the one who died, it could take you longer than other family members.

During the initial loss, you may feel anger at the sibling for leaving you, sleep disturbances, tiredness or restlessness at times, trouble paying attention, mood swings, feelings of rejection from parents who are irritable or distracted, or guilt.

Guilt can be complicated if you feel you have done something to cause the death or that you should have been able to stop what happened. On the other hand, you may feel guilty for having a good time or laughing too soon after your sibling’s death, and even for just surviving. All of these things can be talked over with others who understand.

You and your sibling may have been very close and had a unique relationship. Other members of your family may not understand your feelings of love and loss, and you may feel you can’t talk to them. If this is the case, seek out a friend, relative, teacher, counselor, minister or another bereaved brother or sister. They can offer advice on how to move forward. But also be patient with your parents. They are suffering also.

Know that it is okay to cry and feel depressed after such a loss. On the other hand, it is okay to laugh and have a good time with friends. You are not dishonoring your sibling either way.

You may want to live in the past for a while remembering all that you have lost, but don’t forget to continue to move on with your life. Forgive yourself for any fights you had together or mean things you said to each other that were never resolved.

Never think that doing drugs or alcohol is the answer to your grief. You are only hurting yourself when you do this. The same is true when you do things out of anger and don’t really mean them. Don’t fight with your parents; talk to them and let them see how badly you are hurting.

Share your feelings with other bereaved siblings you know or at a workshop or conference. How they coped can give you ideas for your own life.

Always remember you are not alone. Many siblings have struggled through feelings similar to yours. Allow the emotional bond you had with your sibling and your other siblings have a positive effect on your future. They have survived and so can you.

Ending Gun Violence

It’s happened again. Nine people in Roseburg Oregon Community College were killed and another nine injured this past Thursday by 26-year-old Chris Harper Mercer, who had enrolled in the college but did not attend the class where the shooting occurred. Of the nine who died, their ages ranged from 18 to 67 (faculty member). Like Columbine, Sandy Hook, Virginia Tech and many others, we kiss our children good-bye in the morning and never in our wildest imagination think that we’ll never see them again alive.

I know the feeling. I had just spoken to my daughter on Wednesday, March 2, 1994, early in the day before going to teach at my high school, and we were going to continue our conversation later that day when I returned home. But she never got home that day after she and her husband picked up their new car and were going out to dinner to celebrate. She was killed by an impaired driver who failed to see a stop sign in Beverly Hills, CA. No matter the circumstance, too many people are dying tragically because of the actions of others, whether a car crash or gun violence.

There were heroes at Umpqua Community College, like one man who blocked a classroom door and took several shots, but survived. Others who admitted to being Christians were immediately shot in the head. Still others were shot in the leg or elsewhere. One young student was shot in the back and pretended to be dead so the shooter wouldn’t shot her again; he thought she was dead. These are just a few of the stories surrounding the event.

Mercer had attended a school for emotionally troubled kids, but was never ruled mentally unfit, so was able to buy guns…the law in Oregon. Mercer was armed with six guns, body armor and rounds of ammunition. At his apartment were seven more guns and additional ammunition. He left a chilling message found at the scene of the shooting saying that the whole world was against him, that he had no life and no girlfriend. Neighbors where he lived thought he acted strange most of the time, that he was a loner and probably depressed. On social media he showed an interest in other mass shootings and a fascination with the military and the IRA. He enlisted in the U.S. Army, but was kicked out one month later.

The Roseburg, Oregon sheriff will not say his name, thinking that those who do, will only glorify his horrific actions and eventually this will only serve to inspire other shooters.

STATS: One person is killed with a firearm every 16 minutes in the U.S. Every day 92 are killed with firearms including suicides. A total of 153,144 have been killed by gun violence since 2001 compared to 3,046 in terrorist attacks (the majority on 9/11). This was the 4^th shooting on a U.S. college campus since August.

Americans agree the violence must end, but are bitterly divided on how to stop it. Republicans say that new laws aren’t always the solution. Gun control is not the answer, according to many. Less than one-half of the population support more control; however, 93% want background checks.

President Obama says he is frustrated and fed up with gun violence. He believes nothing will change until the politics changes and the behavior of elected officials changes. He is going to continue to talk about this. He said the failure to pass gun legislation is the biggest frustration of his presidency.

How can others help to end gun violence? Professionals say to be aware of those around you. Notice changes in behavior and get more involved in alerting teachers, counselors, professionals and even the authorities. Talk to local politicians and see if there is something you or they can do and if a solution is possible.

Healing Improv

They say laughter is the best medicine. In the case of Bart Sumner, this is probably true. Sumner’s, a professional actor/screenwriter/teacher is the creator and founder of Healing Improv, a non-profit that provides no-cost Comedy Improv Grief Workshops for those struggling with grief.

The workshops are designed to bring a fun and healing experience to individuals or group organizations. Through the use of comedy improv games and exercises, they will help break down emotional barriers, increase communication with others, and shine a light on the fact that even in the darkest times, there is a light forward to a life of joy and hope.

Sumner started this group after his 10-year-old son David died in 2009 during a football practice. He says it kept his emotions open and flowing and taught him that laughing and enjoying life, even in the midst of tragedy, was not only acceptable, but it was downright necessary.

“It allowed me to flex the emotional muscles, making it easier to direct the sadness into constructive grieving,” he said. “It didn’t stop my tears; in fact, they flowed more freely, but that is the goal. Grief is not something you can beat or avoid, it is a necessary process that you must go through and emerge from ready to move forward with life.”

He adds that learning to laugh again, surrounded by others who have suffered a similar loss, keeps the emotions open, allowing you to recognize your emotions and channel them into the healing we all need. Much like tears and sadness, laughter is an uncontrollable reflex emotion that comes whether you want it to or not.

No-Cost Adult Comedy Improv Grief Workshops are two hours long, as are youth and family workshops, sharing personal stories and them playing improve games designed to open up emotional channels and laugh in a safe sharing environment full of new friends that understand what you are experiencing. The next one is Saturday, Oct. 10, 2015. Call 818-784-2007 for more information.

Sumners also recently delivered the closing Keynote speech at the Bereaved Parents USA National Gathering in July as well as other workshops around the country for different grief organizations. He is the author of “Healing Improv: A Journey Through Grief To Laughter,” which chronicles his personal grief journey among other things.

“This workshop made me cry, laugh and helped me begin to understand. Sumner takes you down the rabbit hole with him, but throws you the rope of hope and laughter to pull yourself out,” said Steven Green comedy/author/acting instructor.

“We strive to give people a chance to break free from stifling grief with others who understand, through laughter, energy and love. If you or someone you know needs this in their lives, we welcome you with open arms. It saved me. It can do the same for you,” said Sumner.

Calling On the Bereaved

It is always hard to believe when a friend or a loved one dies suddenly and tragically. You want to pay your respects by visiting, but you don’t really know what’s right or wrong to do once there. Here are a few suggestions of do’s and don’ts that might help.

What to say is probably the hardest thing to do. You don’t want to make it worse. So you don’t want to tell the parents things like, “She’s in a better place” or “God will take care of him.”

It is important not to be scared of silence. Give a hug. Just hold their hand. They may not want to talk. Let them start the conversation. Just let them know through your body language you are there for them. When the conversation starts, the simplest comment is, “I’m so sorry.” And let them take it from there.

Don’t laugh and make jokes at a bereavement call or try to cheer anyone up. That is not your job. And certainly don’t tell inappropriate stories about something funny someone said.

If others bring up some memories of the loved one, you can feel comfortable doing the same. But perhaps the best time to bring up fond memories is a few weeks or months later, when the death is not so new.

You may cry with the bereaved. It is not inappropriate to do so, particularly if you were friends or close to the one who passed. Holding their hand may comfort them as they cry. Bring tissues to pass to those who need them.

Don’t just call the bereaved on the phone. That is very impersonal and can be uncomfortable as you are not able to see their reaction to anything you are saying and vice-versa. Over the phone, you are forced to say something instead of being silent, increasing your risk of saying the wrong thing. If you can’t go in person, write a letter or email expressing your sympathy.

Respect the visiting hours. Don’t come before or after the times posted just because it is easier or more convenient for you. You may be intruding on time they want to spend with just family members.

Don’t be upset or surprised if you don’t get to talk to the mourners. Sometimes there are too many people there and not enough time to get around to everyone. The important thing is that you came and mourners appreciate that.

Offer any help to the mourner. Perhaps you can get them a plate of food or a drink, something they may not be able to do with many people around.

Don’t ask for details about the death. The bereaved may not want to talk about the one who died;  it may be too painful for them at this time.

Talk to others who have come to pay their respects to the mourners. You may know some, but also introduce yourself to those you don’t know. It is comforting to hear from someone who knew the deceased in a different context and had a different relationship with him/her.

We all know others who have died, and if we respected or loved who they were, we will want to be of comfort to the bereaved and their family.

May Love Be What We Remember Most

Darcie Sims, bereaved mother, was a special person to everyone who knew her. She has given so much to so many that we each have a part of her legacy within our hearts. As a grief counselor, we have her wisdom about life and death and as an author we have her words, emphasizing that she was one of us and knew our hearts. She always had wise counsel and good advice for those who grieve.

I wrote a blog last year the week after Darcie died suddenly. I listed all her accomplishments which I won’t repeat here, but if you didn’t know her, read the March 9, 2014 blog. Some of her thoughts will endure forever because of her down to earth, realistic attitude towards losing someone you love, especially a child. Below are some of the thoughts I remember most.

“We can heal from the terrible hurts of grief, but only if we allow ourselves to claim every hurt and learn to live through them, not avoid them. There are no short cuts through grief.”

“As we listen to each other, we begin to hear our own grief and we begin to build those support systems that will help us through the darkest night, in the most silent moments.”

“Learn to look for moments. You will not forget a single moment of your life. They are all stored somewhere in the recesses of your mind. But we can choose which ones come forward to support us or defeat us.”

“Few books tell us it’s normal to hang on to tiny momentoes of the past, but no one thinks it’s weird to keep the old high school yearbooks.”

“No one can tell you how to grieve or when to heal. I just want to let you know you can find hope and healing and you can find joy once again.”

“Breathe in love and find the memories and the magic of those who have loved us. Love is the magic that heals us all.”

“Each time we reach out across our own pain, to find another hand searching in the darkness, we begin to lighten our own darkness.”

“One day, if you work hard enough and allow it to happen, you will wake up and remember first that your loved one lived, not just that he died. And that is a great day!”

“I found a wonderful old box in the attic and decided to bring it back to life by dusting it off and giving it a good lick of polish. I’ve placed a pad of linen-like paper and a beautiful pen next to it and it sits on my kitchen table, in the center. I can see it every day. Now whenever I think of a blessing in my life, I write it down on one of those lovely linen sheets of paper, fold it and place it in the Blessing Box. I have found myself saying a silent thank you as I placed the paper in the box. Now you will always be reminded of the treasures in your life. These memories and blessings are yours—to treasure, to cherish, to keep, to hold, to share. May love be what you remember most…in your Blessing Box.”