Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Years Thoughts

Happy New Year. It is now 2012 and each time a new year arrives, I have many scattered thoughts of my life and my daughter, some of which I’d like to share with you.

It has been almost 17 years since Marcy’s fatal car accident. She should be here, I say to myself. She should be enjoying this life here on earth with her husband and what might have been many children, a wonderful career and many friends.

Time passes so quickly. I am getting older and hopefully wiser about life and how the twists and turns, joys and heartaches are etched into your life. I have many things to be thankful for and many things I still want to do, some in memory of my daughter, others with my husband, and the rest with just myself.

I have accomplished much since my daughter died; I felt a burning need to help others and hope I am doing that and can continue to do that for many more years. I have new friends, many of whom never knew Marcy, but hear about her through me and say, “She must have been very special.” “Oh, yes,” I answer, she was. And they show their appreciation of me through giving to her foundation each year to help other young people achieve their goals.

I think about my daughter every second of every day. Only I know that (and now you). I think of what might have been and what will never be. I am disgusted how her death was such a waste of a beautiful life. I think of how different my life would have been if she had been able to live and enjoy her life. I think of her husband and how sad it is that I have no contact with him. But then I think of my three Godchildren, born through my daughter’s best friend, and I am hoping for a fabulous life for all of them. They are being brought up well, are good people and I see them doing great things. I wish them only the best.

I don’t feel as old as I am. I don’t even think of myself as getting older each year. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see an older woman. I feel like I have the energy of a woman in her forties; I am healthy; and I want to continue traveling, having friends over and enjoying many, many more years laughing with my husband. Oh, yes, the wrinkles are there, but I am not interested in trying to look younger as many do. I am satisfied with who I am.

What would I do differently, knowing all that I know now? My answer: NOTHING. Everything has a reason for happening, although I sometimes question why my daughter had to die. But I have seen so much good come out of my life since 1994 (the worst year of my life) that I have to say I’ve adapted to my new life, but never, ever forget the most beautiful experience of my life: giving birth to and bringing up my daughter. That is what gives my life meaning and always will.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
    It's so hard to imagine a positive future for so many of us. I'm starting to see some light after a year and a half, I laugh, I enjoy my living kids, but my heart just aches to bursting underneath it all when I think of the one I lost. It hurts less often though, which makes it more bearable. Thanks again.