A Word of Hope

A Word of Hope

by Sandy Fox

I’ll walk beside you, I’ll be your friend,

Many can’t understand as I do,

How hard this can be.

Grief is powerful

Death of a child is catastrophic

We can’t undo the tragedy,

But we can learn from it.

You have already survived the worst part,

Don’t let it take you down too far,

You will lose friends, 

Change your address book many times,

Take out names of people you thought were friends,

Change your goals and priorities,

Change how you see the world,

You may have regrets, but push on.

You will feel your child in everything you do

That is good. You don’t want to lose that.

One day your smile will return,

So will your laughter,

You will be whole again

And feel good about yourself and others,

You will never be the person you were before the death,

You will never forget what happened,

But you can create a new normal, a rich meaningful life

That includes all those you care about and love.

Make the most of your life and continue breathing.

‘Hope’ will always keep you going.

Hope

It is amazing to me that sometimes you find you can do something you were never good at. In my case it was writing a poem. I challenge each of you to try writing a poem about your child who died, how you feel, what you hope for, what you miss, or whatever flows from your heart. I think you will find it a challenging but useful activity during your grief journey. Here is one of the few poems I have written dedicated to my daughter Marcy that can be found in my second book on surviving grief.

HOPE

As I look up to the sky,

a bright star shines down.

I feel it is you smiling at me,  

telling me it is okay for me to laugh,

it is okay for me to be happy again.

I'm trying, I tell you.

It is not an easy road to travel

when you have lost the most

important thing in your life.

But my heart is full with love

from a wonderful man and many friends,

And, of course, I feel your love surround me

on this chilly December day.

It warms my heart and my body as always.

I keep busy and try to make a difference

in this world by helping others.

I do it for you, in your memory,

and I find it is a wonderful feeling.

I know you used to do it also,

You used to help close friends

and even strangers.

I look around me and see young people

enjoying the outdoors, running, playing, 

wishing for a good snowfall.

I hear their laughter and their good wishes.

I know there is hope for a better 

world when I look into their eyes.

I wish I could share everything I say

and do with you, as I used to.

I miss you so much, 

my beautiful daughter.

I think of you every minute of every 

day and always will.

I want you to know, though,

that I was always a survivor,and will continue to be one

both for you and for me.

I love you, always and forever.

Mom

Our New Joy

Just a year ago I wrote what it felt like to never become a grandmother if your only child dies. My stepdaughter has changed all that by having a beautiful baby boy recently and bringing us such joy. I dedicate this poem I wrote to my daughter, my stepdaughter, my husband and my new grandson.

My Chld…

Although you are not longer here,
I see your face and hear your words
In whatever I am doing that day
In whatever song I listen to
In whatever decisions I make

When something funny happens
I can hear you laugh
When something sad happens
I can hear you cry

It has been 18 years
And it seems like just yesterday
When I got the phone call
That changed my life forever

No, I screamed, it can’t be
Not my beautiful daughter
My only child
The love of my life...

I am amazed at where I am today
I am happily married
My step-daughter has given us
A grandson to love and cherish
He is so very cute
And although he is not your child, Marcy,
My heart is full of love, of wonder
And of hope that this child will bring
Many years of happiness for myself,
My step-daughter and my husband

My step-daughter has honored me and you
With the middle name of her child
She has named him after you, just dropping the ‘y’
I’m sure you are pleased too

You will not be forgotten
By me, by my husband, by my step-daughter
Or by my new grandson
She will show him pictures of you
Explaining where his middle name comes from
Hopefully continuing a tradition
That will last a lifetime

And the circle of life will continue…

Monuments, Memorials and Memories

Eloise Cole worked for Hansen Mortuary in Phoenix, AZ, for many years as a grief specialist. Her son died many years ago. Eloise died a few years ago from lung cancer, but her writings and poems live on to inspire us, make us think and hopefully, help us through the worst of times. Below is one of the poems she left us.

Of Monuments, Memorials and Memories

by

Eloise Cole

The cemetery is crowded with monuments…

a stone or marble or bronze reminder of a life once lived.

He was born; he lived; he died.

Perhaps a cross or rose adorns the monument.

Who was he – on the inside?

What statement did he make?

What lives did he touch?

All there is left of that life is the engraved nameplate.

Memorial plaques dot the walls of hospitals,

libraries, museums everywhere.

Contributions in memory of …

The gift provides equipment, funds, or perhaps an object of beauty.

An extension of the love for one who was born and lived and died.

What statement did he make, what lives did he touch?

When my son died, engulfed by pain,

I often wondered how I could survive.

A world without his presence seemed meaningless and empty.

“What is the purpose of all the pain?” I would ask myself.

As the days went by, I came to know

that the memories of him are still close.

The warmth of his unique and special ways

are as close as quiet reflection.

How important it has come to be

to survive, recover and reach out.

In my remaining days,

I am a monument, a memorial, to my son.

I want it to be a positive one,

to reach out and help others.

Monuments, Memorials and Memories…

How important they all are.

Reaching out to say,

“He was born; he lived; he died.

His legacy is a special one.

Worldwide Candlelighting December 13

You will never be forgotten. That is the message we broadcast the second Sunday each December during the Worldwide Candlelighting. Hundreds of thousands and perhaps millions of candles will be lighted in remembrance of children, no matter the age or cause of death. This year the event is December 13.

You are invited to join in the global event. Last year there were more than 500 worldwide candle lighting events open to the public with services in at least 20 countries. Community centers, houses of worship, hospitals, funeral homes, and parks are some of the places the event is held. And, of course, thousands were held equietly in homes with friends and family or alone in solitude. Visit http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ for other information about the event.

Genesse, my friend, thank you for this beautiful poem, River of Light, that I am sharing with the world and all the bereaved parents who will be lighting a candle next Sunday while thinking of their children. Please light a candle for your child during the Worldwide Candlelighting event December 13 at 7 p.m., joining all of us in remembering with love. Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah to all.

A river of light,
flowing east to west
lingering an hour,
then moving on.
Like the children,
here too short a time,
lighting our lives,
then too soon gone.
Gathering together,
being here for each other
on one special night
this time each year.
We light the candles
with pride and sorrow
reminding the world
they once were here.
Their lives live on
in us, the living,
who guard their memories
like precious gold.
To have them back
for just one minute
we would give
a thousand fold.
Tonight we say
they are loved,
they're remembered,
and they will always be.
Like candle flames,
they warm our souls
and light our lives
to help us see.
A river of light,
flowing east to west
lingering an hour,
then moving on.
Like the children,
here too short a time,
lighting our lives...then...gone.

by Genesse Bourdeau Gentry, bereaved parent, author and poet. This poem is taken from her latest book "Catching the Light." Visit www.afterthedeathofachild.com for more information. In January I will talk more about grief poetry and Genesse's writings.

Hope

My hope: that each of you will find peace in your heart, joy with your families and hope for the future. This holiday season I give to you this poem of hope I wrote recently, dedicated to my daughter, and wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah or whatever you personally celebrate worldwide.

Hope

As I look up to the sky,
during this holiday week,
a bright star shines down.
I feel it is you smiling at me,
telling me it is okay for me to laugh,
it is okay for me to be happy again.
I'm trying, I tell you.
It is not an easy road to travel
when you have lost the most
important thing in your life.
But my heart is full with love
from a wonderful man and many friends.
And, of course, I feel your love surround me
on this chilly December day.
It warms my heart and my body as always.
I keep busy and try to make a difference
in this world by helping others.
I do it for you, in your memory,
and I find it is a wonderful feeling.
I know you used to do it also,
you used to help close friends
and even strangers.
I look around me and see young people
enjoying the outdoors, running, playing,
wishing for a good snowfall.
I hear their laughter and their good wishes
for this holiday season.
I know there is hope for a better
world when I look into their eyes.
I wish I could share everything I say
and do with you, as I used to.
I miss you so much,
my beautiful daughter.
I think of you every minute of every
day and always will.
I want you to know, though,
that I always was a survivor
and will continue to be one
both for you and for me.
I love you, always and forever.

Mom

Poem dedication to Marcy

YOU ARE IN EVERY SUNRISE

My child
You are gone from me physically
But I see your face.
You are in every sunrise
In every new bloom
In every new season.
I can hear your voice
I can hear your laughter
I remember it all so well.
It warms my heart
To think of you always
With wonderful memories.
My journey has been long and uncharted
I am amazed at where I am in this journey…
A new life, a new joy, a new love
But what I wouldn’t give to have you back with me.
I know in my heart that can never be.
But it doesn’t stop me
From wishing…
You are not forgotten
You will never be forgotten
I will see to it.
I will build memorials
So that others will learn and understand
Who you are, what you became
Through nutured loved for so many years.
Our lives are shaped
As much by those who leave us
As they are by those who stay.
Your spirit is all around me
I can feel you
I can sense you
Stay with me always
Help me to put back
The pieces of the puzzle.