My deepest fear: that my precious daughter will be forgotten over time. Surely, that is understandable coming from a mother’s point of view. As time passes, others begin to continue with their lives, and I want to shout, “But what about my child? She lived too. She would not want to be forgotten. And I would not want her to be forgotten, ever.
How can I prevent that, and what have I done so far to keep her memory alive now and forever? I know I think of her every day and all the wonderful things she did for everyone, always helping others in whatever their situation. She was such a good child through all 27 years of her life, which ended in a split second on a crowded road in Los Angeles. And she was a wonderful friend to everyone, always there in good times and in bad times, comforting others, laughing with them and crying with them. I know her best friend will never forget, her husband won’t forget, I won’t forget, nor will some relatives who thankfully remember and talk about her. I encourage that, as it is the only way to keep her memory alive for them.
The one thing I have done from the very beginning is to establish memorials, such as scholarships in her old school, build buildings in her honor which house one of her loves, the theater, and put up memorial plaques and bricks in every institution she was involved with during her life. Most recently, I was able to buy a memorial brick at the college she attended to help fund the Memorial Union refurbishment. It says, “In Loving Memory of Beloved Daughter, (her name) and the year she graduated (BA 1988).”
I have written two books about surviving grief, always mentioning her name and her situations where they apply to what I am writing. I write articles for many online grief newsletters and contribute articles to other books such as the Open To Hope book. I speak at national conferences of bereaved parents, but more importantly, I try to help others during their grief journey. I have been there. I know exactly what they are feeling. And I try to tell them that it will get better. They will survive. They will find a new normal. It may not be what they had hoped for, but, indeed, it can be fulfilling in a new way.
The most fulfilling thing I have accomplished is to establish an endowment fund in her name to help others fulfill the dreams she was unable to do. Each year three students receive funds to help them through college. The very first student who received funds has recently contacted me, we went to lunch, caught up with each other’s lives, and she promises to keep in touch. Such a lovely woman she turned out to be. I am as proud of her as I would be of my own daughter. I realize it is a project that will always carry her name into the future she was deprived of, but will bring hope to many others.
A few years ago, I started a bereavement group for parents who have lost their only child, as I have. We now have 15 members, who are comfortable talking about their child, telling us stories about them and their antics. We laugh, we cry, we are very close because we have a common bond that most other bereaved parents don’t understand. We no longer have any child to continue our legacy and most of us do not have grandchildren to help ease that loss. That bond allows us to be at ease with each other and there is nothing that feels as good as that.
I have done everything I can think of to keep my daughter’s memory in front of others and will continue to do so as I think of additional ways to memorialize her. Although I have lost the most important person in my life, I will never forget her. She will always hold a place in my mind and in my heart and I will not let others forget her either for as long as I live.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day Still Hard
Today is Mother’s Day, probably one of the saddest days of the year for bereaved mothers.
For many years after my daughter died, I tried to ignore it. I didn’t go out and celebrate the day; what was there to celebrate any more? I had no other children. Although I knew I would always consider myself a mother, it was still a very hard day. I usually just cooked dinner and wished the day would just hurry up and end.
The passing of time has helped soften the hurt and empty feeling. So now I accept invitations to go to friends’ houses who know how hard this day is for me. I find that extremely kind of them to invite my husband and me over. In fact, one friend who invites about 10-12 people makes sure it is only those who have no one to celebrate with. This doesn’t mean their child died; perhaps they are married and live in another state or perhaps they have never had children. It is a mixed group. I like that because of the one thing we have in common…no children to celebrate the holiday with. So we have lunch, we chat about everyday things and after a few hours we go home. It is a nice afternoon, and I feel good after that.
This year my friend invited us again, but also, so did my best friend, whose children live in different parts of the United States and only send cards and/or flowers. I, too, get a couple of cards. Usually, one comes from my daughter’s best friend, one from a close cousin, one from a friend in another city and, of course, one from my husband. The first couple of years after Marcy died, I’d get cards from some of her friends that I knew, but it’s been 19 years, and I would never expect them to even think about sending a card now. That’s okay. I know they haven’t forgotten her. I heard from her former boss who, once a year, gets all her friends together from where they all worked, and he tells me the first thing they do is talk about Marcy. Oh, how wonderful that makes me feel!
So, even though this isn’t my favorite holiday, I tolerate it and smile, thinking of all the funny cards my daughter used to give me (some of which I still have), the gifts she would make for the family and the meals she would cook. I will always remember these times and keep them tucked way down in my heart.
I wish you all a good Mother’s Day. Remember good thoughts about your children and you will make it through this day hopefully with a little smile.
For many years after my daughter died, I tried to ignore it. I didn’t go out and celebrate the day; what was there to celebrate any more? I had no other children. Although I knew I would always consider myself a mother, it was still a very hard day. I usually just cooked dinner and wished the day would just hurry up and end.
The passing of time has helped soften the hurt and empty feeling. So now I accept invitations to go to friends’ houses who know how hard this day is for me. I find that extremely kind of them to invite my husband and me over. In fact, one friend who invites about 10-12 people makes sure it is only those who have no one to celebrate with. This doesn’t mean their child died; perhaps they are married and live in another state or perhaps they have never had children. It is a mixed group. I like that because of the one thing we have in common…no children to celebrate the holiday with. So we have lunch, we chat about everyday things and after a few hours we go home. It is a nice afternoon, and I feel good after that.
This year my friend invited us again, but also, so did my best friend, whose children live in different parts of the United States and only send cards and/or flowers. I, too, get a couple of cards. Usually, one comes from my daughter’s best friend, one from a close cousin, one from a friend in another city and, of course, one from my husband. The first couple of years after Marcy died, I’d get cards from some of her friends that I knew, but it’s been 19 years, and I would never expect them to even think about sending a card now. That’s okay. I know they haven’t forgotten her. I heard from her former boss who, once a year, gets all her friends together from where they all worked, and he tells me the first thing they do is talk about Marcy. Oh, how wonderful that makes me feel!
So, even though this isn’t my favorite holiday, I tolerate it and smile, thinking of all the funny cards my daughter used to give me (some of which I still have), the gifts she would make for the family and the meals she would cook. I will always remember these times and keep them tucked way down in my heart.
I wish you all a good Mother’s Day. Remember good thoughts about your children and you will make it through this day hopefully with a little smile.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Three Bereavement Conferences This Summer
Three national conferences for bereaved parents, siblings, grandparents and other relatives and friends will be held this summer. Although I mentioned them briefly about 4 months ago, here is some more detail for your perusal.
July 5-7, 2013 National Compassionate Friends Conference at the Sheraton Hotel in Boston, MA.
This conference will have over 100 workshops dealing with all aspects of bereavement. In addition, keynote speakers will include:
• Dr. Heidi Horsley, Dr. Gloria Horsley, founders of "Open to Hope" Foundation and Phil Horsley (Chair of TCF Foundation's Board of Trustees), a family united after the loss of sibling and son Scott, will combine to welcome you as Opening keynoters at the National Conference.
• Tina Chery who, after the murder of her son Louis, created the Louis D. Brown Peace Institute with a mission to create and support an environment where families can live in peace and unity.
• Ken Druck, bereaved parent, founder of the Jenna Druck Foundation, and one of the nation's pioneers in personal transformation including healing after loss.
• Bill Hancock, director of the Bowl Championship Series (college football), author of Riding with the Blue Moth, and father of Will, who was killed during the January 27, 2001 crash of an airplane carrying members of the Oklahoma State University men's basketball team.
If you go to www.compassionatefriends.org , it will direct you to registration information and tell you more about the conference. Hotel cost is $169 plus tax per night. Registration if $90 per person until June 1, then $130.
Places to visit in Boston include The Freedom Trail, Boston Commons, Fenway Park, John F. Kennedy Library, Paul Revere House, lots of museums and shopping.
July 25-28, 2013 National Gathering of Bereaved Parents of USA at Sacramento, CA.
The site of this conference is The Lions Gate Hotel and Conference Center, 3410 Westover St. North Highlands in Sacramento. There is free parking, free shuttle to and from the airport, free breakfast for $89 per night. Places to visit in the area are Lake Tahoe, Lake Shasta, San Francisco, Yosemite National Park and the Redwoods.
Speakers include: Dr. Bob Baugher, Mitch Carmody, Dr. Gloria Horsley, Dr. Heidi Horsley, Daryl Hutson, Susan Levy, Kris Munsch, Dr. Darcie Sims and a beautiful Candle Lighting Ceremony presented by Alan Pedersen.
Registration for the conference is $50 per person
Contact Denise Pedersen at 916-367-7865 for more information about the conference or go to www.bereavedparentsUSA.org .
August 15-18, 2013 National POMC Conference in Cincinnati, OH
This conference if for families and friends of those who have died by violence. POMC stands for Parents of Murdered Children but incompasses all violent deaths.
The conference will be held at the Hilton Cincinnati Netherland Plaza on 5th Street next to the Hyatt. cost of the hotel is $115 per night
Sessions will include the following: medical examiner, prison life, legal panel of judge, prosecutor and defense attorney, DNA cold cases, victim impact statements, domestic violence, homicide, view into the mind of a killer, gun violence prevention and the journey to hope.
For additional information, contact Sheri Nolan at 513-910-2598 or Terry Barton at 513-777-3397 or go to www.pomc.org
July 5-7, 2013 National Compassionate Friends Conference at the Sheraton Hotel in Boston, MA.
This conference will have over 100 workshops dealing with all aspects of bereavement. In addition, keynote speakers will include:
• Dr. Heidi Horsley, Dr. Gloria Horsley, founders of "Open to Hope" Foundation and Phil Horsley (Chair of TCF Foundation's Board of Trustees), a family united after the loss of sibling and son Scott, will combine to welcome you as Opening keynoters at the National Conference.
• Tina Chery who, after the murder of her son Louis, created the Louis D. Brown Peace Institute with a mission to create and support an environment where families can live in peace and unity.
• Ken Druck, bereaved parent, founder of the Jenna Druck Foundation, and one of the nation's pioneers in personal transformation including healing after loss.
• Bill Hancock, director of the Bowl Championship Series (college football), author of Riding with the Blue Moth, and father of Will, who was killed during the January 27, 2001 crash of an airplane carrying members of the Oklahoma State University men's basketball team.
If you go to www.compassionatefriends.org , it will direct you to registration information and tell you more about the conference. Hotel cost is $169 plus tax per night. Registration if $90 per person until June 1, then $130.
Places to visit in Boston include The Freedom Trail, Boston Commons, Fenway Park, John F. Kennedy Library, Paul Revere House, lots of museums and shopping.
July 25-28, 2013 National Gathering of Bereaved Parents of USA at Sacramento, CA.
The site of this conference is The Lions Gate Hotel and Conference Center, 3410 Westover St. North Highlands in Sacramento. There is free parking, free shuttle to and from the airport, free breakfast for $89 per night. Places to visit in the area are Lake Tahoe, Lake Shasta, San Francisco, Yosemite National Park and the Redwoods.
Speakers include: Dr. Bob Baugher, Mitch Carmody, Dr. Gloria Horsley, Dr. Heidi Horsley, Daryl Hutson, Susan Levy, Kris Munsch, Dr. Darcie Sims and a beautiful Candle Lighting Ceremony presented by Alan Pedersen.
Registration for the conference is $50 per person
Contact Denise Pedersen at 916-367-7865 for more information about the conference or go to www.bereavedparentsUSA.org .
August 15-18, 2013 National POMC Conference in Cincinnati, OH
This conference if for families and friends of those who have died by violence. POMC stands for Parents of Murdered Children but incompasses all violent deaths.
The conference will be held at the Hilton Cincinnati Netherland Plaza on 5th Street next to the Hyatt. cost of the hotel is $115 per night
Sessions will include the following: medical examiner, prison life, legal panel of judge, prosecutor and defense attorney, DNA cold cases, victim impact statements, domestic violence, homicide, view into the mind of a killer, gun violence prevention and the journey to hope.
For additional information, contact Sheri Nolan at 513-910-2598 or Terry Barton at 513-777-3397 or go to www.pomc.org
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Steps Towards Healing
Dr. Darcie Sims, author, bereaved parent and child nationally certified thanatologist, bereavement specialist, licensed psychotherapist and hypnotherapist, recently wrote an article in the fall 2012 TAPS magazine listing a few simple steps towards healing in one of her articles. All bereaved parents should take note of these steps and apply them where and when reasonable to do so. Thanks, Darcie.
• Embrace and own the experience and the loss – whatever you are feeling.
• Allow yourself to experience all the emotions of grief.
• Find ways to express your anger and pain in non-destructive actions.
• Find supports. Build a support system of compassionate listeners.
• Skip the self-judgment. Let the judgment of others pass through you without damage.
• Forgive yourself for whatever you believe you have done or not done.
• Work toward healing.
• Practice forgiving yourself for living.
• Concentrate on your loved one’s life, not the death.
• Discover the person you are now.
• Begin to release the hurt in search of hope.
• Release the anger and the guilt. Be careful what you release. Once released, you cannot have that hurt, anger or guilt again.
• Never, ever, ever forget your loved one lived.
May love be what you remember the most. We will never say good-bye or stop loving our children. You will never eliminate the pain of death, but you can ease the loneliness, confusion and despair. We are all a family circle, broken by death, but mended by love.
Darcie has written many books on the subject of grief. One of her most popular and enduring ones is "Why Are the Casseroles Always Tuna." Her most recent one is "Grief Quest: A Workbook and Journal To Heal The Grieving Parent's Heart." See a complete list on Amazon.
Steps Towards Healing
• Acknowledge the loss.• Embrace and own the experience and the loss – whatever you are feeling.
• Allow yourself to experience all the emotions of grief.
• Find ways to express your anger and pain in non-destructive actions.
• Find supports. Build a support system of compassionate listeners.
• Skip the self-judgment. Let the judgment of others pass through you without damage.
• Forgive yourself for whatever you believe you have done or not done.
• Work toward healing.
• Practice forgiving yourself for living.
• Concentrate on your loved one’s life, not the death.
• Discover the person you are now.
• Begin to release the hurt in search of hope.
• Release the anger and the guilt. Be careful what you release. Once released, you cannot have that hurt, anger or guilt again.
• Never, ever, ever forget your loved one lived.
May love be what you remember the most. We will never say good-bye or stop loving our children. You will never eliminate the pain of death, but you can ease the loneliness, confusion and despair. We are all a family circle, broken by death, but mended by love.
Darcie has written many books on the subject of grief. One of her most popular and enduring ones is "Why Are the Casseroles Always Tuna." Her most recent one is "Grief Quest: A Workbook and Journal To Heal The Grieving Parent's Heart." See a complete list on Amazon.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Sleep Habits After a Child's Death
Has your sleep pattern changed since the death of your child? Do you wake up every few hours? Do you toss and turn for hours trying to get to sleep? Do certain dreams wake you up, particularly if your child is in them and you can’t get back to sleep? Do you get enough sleep or do you get too much sleep? Do you fit any of these patterns?
I asked many bereaved parents what they do at night if any of these situations fit them. Hopefully, some ideas from others may work for you.
Zoey: Many nights I cry myself to sleep thinking of my child who died so young. I think of what I have lost, what she has lost and can never have, and it makes me so sad. I do not like to cry in front of others, so at night, in bed, in the dark, for me is a good time to let all my feelings out. It exhausts me to the point that eventually sleep overcomes me.
Candy: I drink something that will relax me. Usually tea does it for me, or even some warm milk or hot chocolate. Liquor is not the answer, nor is it good for your body.
Mark: I make sure I’m in a dark room. Even if I have to wear a mask, I need it to be dark. I grab my son’s favorite stuffed animal and hold it close to me for comfort. It eases my mind and relaxes me so that I can fall asleep much easier.
Alicia: I find it much easier to fall asleep if I have the TV on. It sort of lull’s me to sleep. The only negative about the TV is that eventually you wake up from the sound and have to get up to turn it off. Then my mind starts wandering to my child and sometimes I have trouble getting back to sleep.
Steven: If I wake up in the middle of the night, I go in the other room, so as not to disturb my wife, sit in a comfortable chair and read a book or magazine. I forget everything when I read. When I am done, I go back to bed and find I can usually sleep a few more hours. If not, I just get up and do things around the house until it is time to go to work. I’m usually very tired that next day and that night can sleep. So I have a combination of both good and bad nights
Danny: When my son died, that was the end of my good sleeping habits. Now I find I need to take pills to help me sleep. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with that. I just hate to think I’m getting addicted to anything, so I take a very light dose and hope for the best.
Sara: There is so much to do in a day, I don’t seem to get it all done, so if I find I can’t sleep after waking in the middle of the night, I try to get some of those necessary things done and not leave them for the next day. My grown son, who died far too young, told me he used to do that when he had too much business on his mind and it helped. After getting some chores done, he was able to sleep more restfully. So I am now trying it, and it seems to work, thank goodness. Thanks, Michael.
Dick: I have trouble sleeping because I am constantly thinking of my daughter, who in a split second, was killed in a car accident. I imagine the accident. I see her terror, the terror that now haunts me and keeps me tossing and turning during the night. What do I do to get some rest? I try to put my mind in a better place, a beautiful place where I long to travel to with my family, a beautiful place where all is right with the world and we are all together. Sometimes it works and other times I continue to toss around until morning, when I’m so exhausted, I fall into a deep sleep and am sometimes late for work when I finally do get up.
Carolyn: Sometimes, through all the stress, I find that taking a half-hour to one-hour nap helps me catch up with the sleep I miss at night when my mind becomes very active thinking of my daughter and what a wonderful life she would have had, if not for the skiing accident that killed her.
Finally, if you want to look into it, many tapes and CD’s help relieve the anxiety you may feel after the death of your child and can help you get the rest you so crave. Meditation can clear your mind also. No one remedy works for everyone, but hopefully, trying some of these suggestions will work for you.
I asked many bereaved parents what they do at night if any of these situations fit them. Hopefully, some ideas from others may work for you.
Zoey: Many nights I cry myself to sleep thinking of my child who died so young. I think of what I have lost, what she has lost and can never have, and it makes me so sad. I do not like to cry in front of others, so at night, in bed, in the dark, for me is a good time to let all my feelings out. It exhausts me to the point that eventually sleep overcomes me.
Candy: I drink something that will relax me. Usually tea does it for me, or even some warm milk or hot chocolate. Liquor is not the answer, nor is it good for your body.
Mark: I make sure I’m in a dark room. Even if I have to wear a mask, I need it to be dark. I grab my son’s favorite stuffed animal and hold it close to me for comfort. It eases my mind and relaxes me so that I can fall asleep much easier.
Alicia: I find it much easier to fall asleep if I have the TV on. It sort of lull’s me to sleep. The only negative about the TV is that eventually you wake up from the sound and have to get up to turn it off. Then my mind starts wandering to my child and sometimes I have trouble getting back to sleep.
Steven: If I wake up in the middle of the night, I go in the other room, so as not to disturb my wife, sit in a comfortable chair and read a book or magazine. I forget everything when I read. When I am done, I go back to bed and find I can usually sleep a few more hours. If not, I just get up and do things around the house until it is time to go to work. I’m usually very tired that next day and that night can sleep. So I have a combination of both good and bad nights
Danny: When my son died, that was the end of my good sleeping habits. Now I find I need to take pills to help me sleep. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with that. I just hate to think I’m getting addicted to anything, so I take a very light dose and hope for the best.
Sara: There is so much to do in a day, I don’t seem to get it all done, so if I find I can’t sleep after waking in the middle of the night, I try to get some of those necessary things done and not leave them for the next day. My grown son, who died far too young, told me he used to do that when he had too much business on his mind and it helped. After getting some chores done, he was able to sleep more restfully. So I am now trying it, and it seems to work, thank goodness. Thanks, Michael.
Dick: I have trouble sleeping because I am constantly thinking of my daughter, who in a split second, was killed in a car accident. I imagine the accident. I see her terror, the terror that now haunts me and keeps me tossing and turning during the night. What do I do to get some rest? I try to put my mind in a better place, a beautiful place where I long to travel to with my family, a beautiful place where all is right with the world and we are all together. Sometimes it works and other times I continue to toss around until morning, when I’m so exhausted, I fall into a deep sleep and am sometimes late for work when I finally do get up.
Carolyn: Sometimes, through all the stress, I find that taking a half-hour to one-hour nap helps me catch up with the sleep I miss at night when my mind becomes very active thinking of my daughter and what a wonderful life she would have had, if not for the skiing accident that killed her.
Finally, if you want to look into it, many tapes and CD’s help relieve the anxiety you may feel after the death of your child and can help you get the rest you so crave. Meditation can clear your mind also. No one remedy works for everyone, but hopefully, trying some of these suggestions will work for you.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Sharing Parents Organization
To provide an atmosphere where grieving parents can come together and share their feelings about the loss of their baby and the love for their baby(ies) is the purpose of the support group Sharing Parents for pregnancy and infant loss.
It was started in Sacramento in 1981 by a Lamaze instructor who saw the need in the lives of her students when their babies died. All members are volunteers for this non-profit, tax exempt organization supported only by volunteers and donations. It does not matter how long ago you lost your child; you should not be ashamed to contact them, even if it’s been years.
I found out about this organization because I received an email from one of its members to ask if they could use one of my articles for their February newsletter. I immediately went to their website and saw what a great organization they have with lots of information geared towards these parents. It would be nice to see other states start a group like this.
They offer a variety of meetings, telephone support, a newsletter four times a year and internet resources. So, if you can not attend their meetings because you don’t live in the area, telephone support, an online newsletter and internet resources are still available.
Three types of meetings are held. General meetings are for bereaved parents who have already lost their child, no matter how long ago. Couples are encouraged to attend meetings to share or just to listen to others. Supportive friends and family are also encouraged to attend. The second type of meeting is for Subsequent pregnancies, parents who are contemplating a future pregnancy and those who are currently pregnant. These meetings are held on the fourth Monday of every month. Short term grief session is a series of four weekly meetings for parents with a recent loss (within a year). There is a specific topic to discuss each week, and to receive the most benefit from this session, you are encouraged to attend all four meetings. This is a safe place to share your grief with people who have experienced a similar loss. It is also a time when small groups may bond and find the support they gain is accompanied by newly found friendships.
At a typical meeting one can expect to either share their feelings about the loss and the love for their babies or where parents can give and receive emotional support by sharing common experiences and learn about the natural grief process while working through and resolving their loss. You are not required to talk. You may simply want to listen and that is okay also. Depending on the meeting, they may watch a DVD or do an art project.
A lending library of books is available. Phone support is also available for those parents who have made the difficult decision to interrupt their very wanted pregnancies after learning that their baby had severe or fatal fetal anomalies. Telephone support is also for between meetings for parents, including fathers, who would like to talk to a compassionate parent.
Meetings are held at the Mercy Women’s Center in Sacramento. Telephone number for additional information is 916-424-5150.
It was started in Sacramento in 1981 by a Lamaze instructor who saw the need in the lives of her students when their babies died. All members are volunteers for this non-profit, tax exempt organization supported only by volunteers and donations. It does not matter how long ago you lost your child; you should not be ashamed to contact them, even if it’s been years.
I found out about this organization because I received an email from one of its members to ask if they could use one of my articles for their February newsletter. I immediately went to their website and saw what a great organization they have with lots of information geared towards these parents. It would be nice to see other states start a group like this.
They offer a variety of meetings, telephone support, a newsletter four times a year and internet resources. So, if you can not attend their meetings because you don’t live in the area, telephone support, an online newsletter and internet resources are still available.
Three types of meetings are held. General meetings are for bereaved parents who have already lost their child, no matter how long ago. Couples are encouraged to attend meetings to share or just to listen to others. Supportive friends and family are also encouraged to attend. The second type of meeting is for Subsequent pregnancies, parents who are contemplating a future pregnancy and those who are currently pregnant. These meetings are held on the fourth Monday of every month. Short term grief session is a series of four weekly meetings for parents with a recent loss (within a year). There is a specific topic to discuss each week, and to receive the most benefit from this session, you are encouraged to attend all four meetings. This is a safe place to share your grief with people who have experienced a similar loss. It is also a time when small groups may bond and find the support they gain is accompanied by newly found friendships.
At a typical meeting one can expect to either share their feelings about the loss and the love for their babies or where parents can give and receive emotional support by sharing common experiences and learn about the natural grief process while working through and resolving their loss. You are not required to talk. You may simply want to listen and that is okay also. Depending on the meeting, they may watch a DVD or do an art project.
A lending library of books is available. Phone support is also available for those parents who have made the difficult decision to interrupt their very wanted pregnancies after learning that their baby had severe or fatal fetal anomalies. Telephone support is also for between meetings for parents, including fathers, who would like to talk to a compassionate parent.
Meetings are held at the Mercy Women’s Center in Sacramento. Telephone number for additional information is 916-424-5150.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Expressing Your Emotions Through Crying
There are many ways to express your sadness at the loss of a loved one. I’ve often said that when you cry, you are releasing pent up emotions from the grief you feel. It is good to cry and get it all out. It is good for your body and good physically to get that release for the moment.
When you are done, you will feel somewhat better. That doesn’t mean it will never happen again, particularly after the death of someone close to you. You can cry at home alone or in front of others. Some cry a lot. Some people do not cry at all. Crying does not mean you are a weak person. Quite the opposite.
Washington Irving said it best: There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are messengers for overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.
You loved the person you are crying over. They were important in your life. You know you will never see them again. Your heart is broken and your grief unbearable. Crying will not bring them back, but it will ease the pain for the moment.
If you find yourself having difficulty functioning during the day, try these two techniques which I read about in a grief newsletter. First, take deep breaths in and out slowly and be aware of what you are doing. Try this for about one minute and you will feel in control again. If that doesn’t work, hold still and shift your eyes to the 12 o’clock position, hold this position for 15 seconds while calmly breathing. It will likely ground you emotionally and quell the tears. Both of these can be effective when you need to gain control of yourself in certain situations.
Remember, you should not feel embarrassed when you cry in front of someone. If you have lost a child, a husband, a sister/brother, or parents, others will expect some emotions to pour out of you and they will understand.
When you are done, you will feel somewhat better. That doesn’t mean it will never happen again, particularly after the death of someone close to you. You can cry at home alone or in front of others. Some cry a lot. Some people do not cry at all. Crying does not mean you are a weak person. Quite the opposite.
Washington Irving said it best: There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are messengers for overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.
You loved the person you are crying over. They were important in your life. You know you will never see them again. Your heart is broken and your grief unbearable. Crying will not bring them back, but it will ease the pain for the moment.
If you find yourself having difficulty functioning during the day, try these two techniques which I read about in a grief newsletter. First, take deep breaths in and out slowly and be aware of what you are doing. Try this for about one minute and you will feel in control again. If that doesn’t work, hold still and shift your eyes to the 12 o’clock position, hold this position for 15 seconds while calmly breathing. It will likely ground you emotionally and quell the tears. Both of these can be effective when you need to gain control of yourself in certain situations.
Remember, you should not feel embarrassed when you cry in front of someone. If you have lost a child, a husband, a sister/brother, or parents, others will expect some emotions to pour out of you and they will understand.
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