Attending weddings,
funerals, and special events after the death of your child can be very
traumatic for the first year.
I remember two months after my daughter died in a
car accident, a dear friend’s son was getting married and I was invited. I
agonized for weeks about what I should do. On the one hand, I didn’t want to
disappoint my friend, but on the other hand, I didn’t think I could make it
through the ceremony without breaking down. You see, my daughter had gotten
married five months prior to her death and those wonderful memories lingered in
my mind and heart. If I were to see the bride coming down the aisle, would I be
able to hold it together or would I think about my daughter’s wedding and be
heartbroken?
I finally made a decision. I had to do what felt
right for me. Everyone is different. I wanted to go to the wedding, but I just
couldn’t. I had to call my friend and explain the circumstances. I thought it
would be difficult, but she was very understanding and said she wondered what I
would do, didn’t want to interfere, and left the decision up to me. I bought
her son a very nice wedding gift, visited him when he got back from his
honeymoon and hoped that would suffice. My friend told me her son understood. As time goes on, it does get better.
Attending a funeral
of a relative or friend or one of their children is no different as far as
emotions are concerned. Again, my mind reverts back to my daughter’s funeral.
Many, many people attended, but truthfully, I didn’t see any of them. I was just
thinking of what had happened so suddenly. The finality of it astounded me. I
would never see her again. How could this have happened to my beautiful child? Children
are not supposed to die before their parents.
Depending on when the funeral is (more than a year
out is less taxing) and how close I am to the parents or child was one of the
decisions as to whether or not I went that first year. I could send heartfelt condolences or offer
to send food or flowers to their house if I didn’t feel I could handle going to
the service and/or cemetery.
Unfortunately, there were situations within that first year or so where I knew I must
attend to show support and compassion for those grieving. I didn’t have to stay
long, just acknowledge and express sympathy to the family and give them all a big hug. After all, I know only
too well how I felt during that time in my life. If it is the same cemetery as
where my daughter is buried, I use it as a reason to visit her grave. As long
as I honored the life and memory of the one who died by attending, I think
they understood if my emotions got the better of me and I started crying. Know that there did
come a time when I was ready and at peace with these situations, but it does
take a lot of grief work and you must do what, in your heart, is best for you.
I remember attending a few special events held for my daughter by her friends months
afterwards. This was one area I felt I couldn’t bow out of with any kind of
excuse. And to be truthful, I wanted to go to hear what others had to say about
her. They were wonderful stories about her life and friendships, some of which I was not
even aware. Yes, they tugged at my heart, but I was so proud to know how
important she was to others.
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