Remembering in the New Year

A new year is upon us and as I do at the beginning of each new year, I open my special closet that contains what I have left of my daughter: four boxes filled with many memories. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but they are the important things I never want to part with. I take one box at a time and look through them, remembering…

There are school honors for organizations she belonged to and did exceptional activities in them. There are some scrapbooks with photos and reminders of happier times. There are the girl scout badges, some of which never got sewn on to the green sash. Not only are there trophies from speech tournaments in high school but also plaques from youth groups representing her accomplishments as a chapter leader. Her artistic achievements in scrap-booking for her youth group were rewarded as were her leadership abilities as president of a variety of organizations. Even after graduating college, she was asked to be president of her college alumni association before her death. I was very proud of her many writings she did as media and publicity director for the L.A. Music Center. For never having taken any writing classes, she was an excellent writer!

My husband had a great idea this year. He said, “Why don’t you take the trophies Marcy won and the trophies you won during high school and college and display them all together on a shelf in your office, where you do all your writing and spend many hours?” What a good idea, I thought! And that has happened this week.

In another box are hundreds of letters sent to me from friends and co-workers expressing their sympathy and talking about Marcy. It warms my heart to read and reread them each year, knowing she was much loved by all.

I keep a box of all the material from the funeral—the guest book, the gifts and contributions in her memory, the plaques and trees planted in a variety of locations with photos of each, and the memorial services held for her, all of which I attended.

In the last box I have a potpourri of items: most important to me are the photos. In my office, my bedroom and the family room, I have at least one photo of Marcy. That way, she is with me always. I smile as I remember the significant event or activity represented in the photo of  her… some with friends, some with family, all of whom are long gone.

This ritual of sorts helps me remember not only her life but also her personality and friendships with many acquaintances and family members. She was so full of life and had many plans for her future. Like all bereaved parents, I want to never forget that she lived and was loved. Going through the things I still have after almost 22 years is my personal way of keeping her memory alive.

Presidental Politics and Parental Grief

The White House has often been home to parents who mourn lost children. Their reactions to their loss and their decisions to not run, may or may not have changed the course of history. Historians are still out on this one.

Most recently, when Vice-president Joseph Biden Jr, announced that he was not running for president in 2016, he cited his son, Beau’s death, and his struggle with his grief as the main reason. Biden, it seems, took his time to decide, since it was well known that he wanted to be president one day. But those of us who have lost a child know how emotionally draining it is to even function day to day. And a president’s responsibility for the entire nation is a huge job and can’t be taken lightly.

We often think of a president as someone who is immune from tragic events, but many of our presidents have lost one or more children, particularly in the early part of the 20^th century when as many as three in 10 infants died before their first birthdays. I thought you might like to hear of some of these losses.

Probably, one of the most famous presidents who lost a child was John F. Kennedy, whose son Patrick Kennedy, died just 39 hours after birth. He was pre-mature and had complications. 

The same with Christine Reagan, Ronald Reagan and Jane Wyman’s daughter, who died shortly after her birth in 1947.

Dwight D. Eisenhower and Mamie’s first son, Icky, died of Scarlet Fever at age 3.  From then on, he sent his wife flowers year on his son's birthday. George Bush’s second child, Robin, also died at age 3 from Leukemia.

Another very famous president, Abraham Lincoln, lost the third of his four sons, 11-year-old Willie of Typhoid Fever in 1862. He also lost Edward, his second son at age 3 in 1850. 

William McKinley’s two children, daughters Ida and Katie, died early deaths.

For some presidents, the loss of their child affected them greatly and they suffered setbacks and recover very slowly, if at all. Franklin Pierce witnessed the violent death of his third and only surviving son, Benny, in a train accident two weeks before his inauguration and did not do well afterwards. 

Nor did Calvin Coolidge, whose second son, 16 year old Calvin Jr., died in 1924 of a staph infection acquired after playing tennis without his socks. He did not seek re-election in 1928 because of this death. “The power and the glory of the presidency went with Calvin,” he said. 

Theodore Roosevelt’s son, Quentin, was shot down by a German pilot in 1918. Roosevelt died brokenhearted six months later in 1919.

Many other presidents lost children and one running for president in 2016, Carly Fiorina, lost her 35-year-old stepdaughter, Lori Ann, who died of a drug overdose. She speaks bluntly about her pain, gets it out in the open and doesn’t try to hide her feelings as some do. She and others believe that not hiding their anguish is one of the best ways to deal with their grief.

Most have one thing in common. They recovered and moved on with their lives and experienced what some experts call post-traumatic growth, positive changes after a crisis, including a greater appreciation of life and personal strength. Others suffered depression and other psychiatric conditions and had to seek help.

We all cope differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve a child’s death. It is and should be an individual's choice as to how he/she deals with it.

Perfect Christmas Gifts

Editor’s note: I have asked my friend Sandra Howlett, grief specialist, for permission to use one of her writings during this holiday season. This is directed at everyone, bereaved or not, about what you can do to make this a special holiday for everyone. At the same time, bereaved parents can honor their child who died with many of these deeds. Happy Holidays to all.

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This is the season where many people spend tremendous energy and money on gift giving. This can be stressful and worrisome in addition to the strain on your credit card. What if you had an alternative? What is the ‘perfect gift’ and how much would it cost? There are a host of alternative gifts that are sure to fit your budget and your heart.

The Gift of Your Time—Being with someone, giving them your undivided attention, is perhaps one of the most precious, priceless gifts you can offer. You may put together a puzzle with a child or go for a walk or visit someone in a nursing home. Whatever you choose, you are creating a memory of caring and sharing.

The Gift of Listening—Good listeners are rare treasures. You have an opportunity to allow someone to tell their story and pay full attention to them. This means no interruptions, no chiming in with your story…only listening to theirs and asking questions for more details.

The Gift of Your Talent—What do you do well? You don’t need to be perfect, just a cut above some others? Do you make great banana bread? Can you fix a leaky faucet? Can you take a letter for someone unable to see or write anymore? What can you do with ease that you could share with others?

The Gift of Your Smile—Have you noticed the faces of others while you are out and about? Some people seem distracted, frustrated or borderline miserable while going about their daily doings. Offer them your smile—a free gift of encouragement. Make eye contact and connect with a smile and a gleam in your eye. You just might be the person who turns their day around…and it is sure to lift your own spirits along the way.

The Gift of Your Forgiveness—Forgiveness is highly personal and should never be forced on anyone. Consider for yourself, is there something that you have carried too long and paid too high a price for? Who could you release from judgment today? Maybe it is yourself.

The Gift of Your Acceptance—Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer someone is to love and accept them—as is. We could give the same gift to ourselves. Rather than harsh comparisons with others that are inevitably hurtful to someone, what if we allowed ourselves to hold pure, unconditional acceptance of another person…and let them know that?

The Gift of Your Remembrance—This could be a card or call to someone you do not see often with a simple ‘thinking of you’ message. These spontaneous remembrances are some of the sweetest in life. Enclose a story, article of interest, clipping or a favorite memory. What a terrific surprise this can be.

The Gift of Your Treasures—What do you have that you are willing to share with another? I’m not talking about donations to the local thrift shop. I mean items of interest or beauty in your home that have served you well, given you pleasure and you are now ready to share them with others. If you have things that you want to eventually bequeath to your loved ones, go ahead, give them a gift now so that they can properly thank you and you can live to see them enjoy the treasures!

The Gift of Your Anonymous Good Deed—Do something for someone else anonymously. Be creative and have fun with this. You could pay for someone’s meal, leave a pot of flowers on someone’s doorstep, wrap one of your favorite books and send without your return address---the list is endless and exciting!

The Gift of Your Appreciation—Make a list of 10 things you appreciate about a specific person and send it to them. Combine personal, serious and humorous attributes of your friend. I guarantee  this will be one gift that is neither discarded nor forgotten.

Light a Candle Tonight

Tonight at 7 p.m. you are asked to light a candle in memory of your child, son, daughter, brother, sister and grandchild, all gone too soon.. If you do, you will create a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone around the world.

This small gesture is now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the 19^th annual Worldwide Candle Lighting. Hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor their memory.

This ceremony started in the United States in 1997 as a small internet observance, but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

The Compassionate Friends and allied organizations are joined by local bereavement groups, churches, funeral homes, hospitals, hospices, children's gardens, schools, cemeteries, and community centers. Services have ranged in size from just a few people to nearly a thousand.

Every year you are invited to post a message in the Remembrance Book which will be available, during the event, at TCF's national website. Here are a few examples from previous years:
     "Mommy and Daddy miss you and always will."
     "I light my candle for Timmy. May the beauty of his life live on forever."
     "Miss you every single day. My heart and life will never be the same."
     "I hope you liked the poem I read at church about you. The love will never fade, my son."
     "To our precious grandson. We will never forget you."

The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child(ren) so that their lights may always shine! 

Gifts From Your Child's Life

At the holiday season, bereaved parents do a lot of remembering of the one no longer with them. I choose to remember all the good things that my child gave me, not material gifts, but gifts from the heart: love, laughter, joy, sharing, caring, and many more. You may want to invite your child’s friends or relatives to be part of what will be your collection of gifts from your child. After all, friends and relatives were inspired by his/her actions in a positive way and they, also, may want to remember.

There are many ways to do this. Most importantly, write these gifts down on colorful strips of paper to keep close to you. Some choose memory boxes to place these strips of paper; others choose to display them at holidays and other times during the year. Some may want the boxes to remain private and choose not to share them with others. Others find that putting the decorative papers on hand-made ornaments and hanging them on a tree every Christmas or placing them in a stocking with your child’s name on the stocking is evidence that someone lived and was loved by many. I choose to place them in a scrapbook and when I look at them, it eases the pain of the loss. My daughter’s friends and co-workers have participated.

Most importantly, wherever you place these papers, you will know they are tangible evidence that someone lived and was loved by many. Even though the person is no longer here, you will always have these gifts of the heart that are treasured.

Let peace and joy return to warm your heart again this holiday season, so that you can always be comforted to know the love, laughter and precious words that were exchanged between your loved one, yourself and others.

Light a candle this holiday season in celebration of a life and love shared. May you always remember through shared words the one who brought such happiness to all. 

Happy holidays to all of you.

Writing To Heal

I have been a writer my whole life and one of the things I tell bereaved parents is that even if  they have never written anything before, now is the time to do it. Research has shown that writing about traumatic events can be helpful in the healing process.

Rest assured that writing is a lonely business. You can’t have friends or relatives over to distract you. You must be free to think clearly about what you want to say about your loved one. The hardest part about writing is getting started. Try to get a couple of books that have writing exercises in them.

One of my favorite exercises I used to have to do in a creative writing class is to take a piece of paper and pencil and for 3 minutes write down whatever you are thinking about, whatever comes to mind. It may or may not be important. It may sound stupid to you. No matter, write it down. It could be what you are doing that day, something that happened that made you mad or even happy, or what you need to buy at the grocery store. 

Everything that hurts inside should make it to these pages. It also doesn’t have to relate to anything or even make sense. You may not even realize how much something is on your mind until you write it down. The object is to just write and not stop. These pages are for you only, not to be shared with anyone else. You can keep them from day to day or throw them out.

After this silly exercise, write a serious memory of your loved one. Give as many details as possible. You can use dialogue, metaphors, similes. Just get everything possible down on paper so you can look back at it. Your writing can be something simple like your first Christmas as a family or what happened leading up to your child winning a beauty pageant.  Just remember: details, details, details.

Once you start, you must be committed to the project. Set aside a certain amount of time every day to write either on your computer or on a pad of paper with a pen or pencil. Just keep writing. Not only is it good practice, but by doing it every day, you are more likely to remember events that are stored deep within you.

When you have a collection of writings, you will have to decide what you want to do with these writings, if anything. They can be for you alone or you may want to share it with family and friends. Best of all, you may decide it is so good, you want to publish your writings.

Some other tips for you would include: attend a writer’s conference and learn what you can do with your writings, join a writing group in your area to improve your craft  and receive feedback on your work, and search for other writers who are struggling to translate their grief onto the page. These writers can be a great source of support. Don’t be afraid to reach out to them. 

More than anything, writing your thoughts on paper allows you to look back and remember your special person with fondness and love.

Dancing In the Rain

I have used the quote “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain” in some of the speeches I give at Compassionate Friends National Conferences since 2008 because the image of a storm is a good analogy in understanding our grief and moving forward.

I relate this quote to coping techniques. I talk about such things as making sure you do something for yourself, having a positive attitude, and laughing again. I recently read an interpretation of this quote in a Michigan chapter Compassionate Friends newsletter (no authorship was given for the interpretation) but I thought it worthy of telling my readers this one analogy and see what you think.

Storms can come out of nowhere, like a tornado, seemingly destroying everything in its path and leaving our lives in complete and utter shambles. The darkness and dreariness stay, while lightning continues to flash, stabbing our heart with pain. Thunder clamors constantly, reminding us that our children are gone. The wind howls, imitating our screams and wailing. The rain seems to be endless.

Those who haven’t lost children, who are living in sunshine, cry out to us, “Come in, out of the rain.” They don’t understand that often we’re not able to move. The storm has become our world, for however long we need or choose to live there. But, we do have a choice. We can stay hunkered down under the false protection of denial. We can lock ourselves up in a protective shell and never come out. Or, we can learn to dance in the rain.

However, each bereaved parent must decide what feels best to them. This anonymous author finds herself thinking, “It’s hard to crawl, walk or breathe without my child, and she wants me to dance? I realize she’s not referring to my ability when the child says, ‘Dance, Mom, dance. Dance in the rain. Dance  because you can’t change what has already been done . You have the choice to sit it out or dance. Listen for the music, keep your eyes wide open, go forward, follow the music and dance. Follow me. I am not behind you. I am in front of you. I’m free and I am dancing.’ ”

This child taught her mother to hear the music and her song continues on. “Without it, I couldn’t dance," she says.

If we allow our children to lead us to dance in the rain, they will eventually dance us out of the storms of pain and into the sunshine of peace.