Healing Improv

They say laughter is the best medicine. In the case of Bart Sumner, this is probably true. Sumner’s, a professional actor/screenwriter/teacher is the creator and founder of Healing Improv, a non-profit that provides no-cost Comedy Improv Grief Workshops for those struggling with grief.

The workshops are designed to bring a fun and healing experience to individuals or group organizations. Through the use of comedy improv games and exercises, they will help break down emotional barriers, increase communication with others, and shine a light on the fact that even in the darkest times, there is a light forward to a life of joy and hope.

Sumner started this group after his 10-year-old son David died in 2009 during a football practice. He says it kept his emotions open and flowing and taught him that laughing and enjoying life, even in the midst of tragedy, was not only acceptable, but it was downright necessary.

“It allowed me to flex the emotional muscles, making it easier to direct the sadness into constructive grieving,” he said. “It didn’t stop my tears; in fact, they flowed more freely, but that is the goal. Grief is not something you can beat or avoid, it is a necessary process that you must go through and emerge from ready to move forward with life.”

He adds that learning to laugh again, surrounded by others who have suffered a similar loss, keeps the emotions open, allowing you to recognize your emotions and channel them into the healing we all need. Much like tears and sadness, laughter is an uncontrollable reflex emotion that comes whether you want it to or not.

No-Cost Adult Comedy Improv Grief Workshops are two hours long, as are youth and family workshops, sharing personal stories and them playing improve games designed to open up emotional channels and laugh in a safe sharing environment full of new friends that understand what you are experiencing. The next one is Saturday, Oct. 10, 2015. Call 818-784-2007 for more information.

Sumners also recently delivered the closing Keynote speech at the Bereaved Parents USA National Gathering in July as well as other workshops around the country for different grief organizations. He is the author of “Healing Improv: A Journey Through Grief To Laughter,” which chronicles his personal grief journey among other things.

“This workshop made me cry, laugh and helped me begin to understand. Sumner takes you down the rabbit hole with him, but throws you the rope of hope and laughter to pull yourself out,” said Steven Green comedy/author/acting instructor.

“We strive to give people a chance to break free from stifling grief with others who understand, through laughter, energy and love. If you or someone you know needs this in their lives, we welcome you with open arms. It saved me. It can do the same for you,” said Sumner.

Calling On the Bereaved

It is always hard to believe when a friend or a loved one dies suddenly and tragically. You want to pay your respects by visiting, but you don’t really know what’s right or wrong to do once there. Here are a few suggestions of do’s and don’ts that might help.

What to say is probably the hardest thing to do. You don’t want to make it worse. So you don’t want to tell the parents things like, “She’s in a better place” or “God will take care of him.”

It is important not to be scared of silence. Give a hug. Just hold their hand. They may not want to talk. Let them start the conversation. Just let them know through your body language you are there for them. When the conversation starts, the simplest comment is, “I’m so sorry.” And let them take it from there.

Don’t laugh and make jokes at a bereavement call or try to cheer anyone up. That is not your job. And certainly don’t tell inappropriate stories about something funny someone said.

If others bring up some memories of the loved one, you can feel comfortable doing the same. But perhaps the best time to bring up fond memories is a few weeks or months later, when the death is not so new.

You may cry with the bereaved. It is not inappropriate to do so, particularly if you were friends or close to the one who passed. Holding their hand may comfort them as they cry. Bring tissues to pass to those who need them.

Don’t just call the bereaved on the phone. That is very impersonal and can be uncomfortable as you are not able to see their reaction to anything you are saying and vice-versa. Over the phone, you are forced to say something instead of being silent, increasing your risk of saying the wrong thing. If you can’t go in person, write a letter or email expressing your sympathy.

Respect the visiting hours. Don’t come before or after the times posted just because it is easier or more convenient for you. You may be intruding on time they want to spend with just family members.

Don’t be upset or surprised if you don’t get to talk to the mourners. Sometimes there are too many people there and not enough time to get around to everyone. The important thing is that you came and mourners appreciate that.

Offer any help to the mourner. Perhaps you can get them a plate of food or a drink, something they may not be able to do with many people around.

Don’t ask for details about the death. The bereaved may not want to talk about the one who died;  it may be too painful for them at this time.

Talk to others who have come to pay their respects to the mourners. You may know some, but also introduce yourself to those you don’t know. It is comforting to hear from someone who knew the deceased in a different context and had a different relationship with him/her.

We all know others who have died, and if we respected or loved who they were, we will want to be of comfort to the bereaved and their family.

May Love Be What We Remember Most

Darcie Sims, bereaved mother, was a special person to everyone who knew her. She has given so much to so many that we each have a part of her legacy within our hearts. As a grief counselor, we have her wisdom about life and death and as an author we have her words, emphasizing that she was one of us and knew our hearts. She always had wise counsel and good advice for those who grieve.

I wrote a blog last year the week after Darcie died suddenly. I listed all her accomplishments which I won’t repeat here, but if you didn’t know her, read the March 9, 2014 blog. Some of her thoughts will endure forever because of her down to earth, realistic attitude towards losing someone you love, especially a child. Below are some of the thoughts I remember most.

“We can heal from the terrible hurts of grief, but only if we allow ourselves to claim every hurt and learn to live through them, not avoid them. There are no short cuts through grief.”

“As we listen to each other, we begin to hear our own grief and we begin to build those support systems that will help us through the darkest night, in the most silent moments.”

“Learn to look for moments. You will not forget a single moment of your life. They are all stored somewhere in the recesses of your mind. But we can choose which ones come forward to support us or defeat us.”

“Few books tell us it’s normal to hang on to tiny momentoes of the past, but no one thinks it’s weird to keep the old high school yearbooks.”

“No one can tell you how to grieve or when to heal. I just want to let you know you can find hope and healing and you can find joy once again.”

“Breathe in love and find the memories and the magic of those who have loved us. Love is the magic that heals us all.”

“Each time we reach out across our own pain, to find another hand searching in the darkness, we begin to lighten our own darkness.”

“One day, if you work hard enough and allow it to happen, you will wake up and remember first that your loved one lived, not just that he died. And that is a great day!”

“I found a wonderful old box in the attic and decided to bring it back to life by dusting it off and giving it a good lick of polish. I’ve placed a pad of linen-like paper and a beautiful pen next to it and it sits on my kitchen table, in the center. I can see it every day. Now whenever I think of a blessing in my life, I write it down on one of those lovely linen sheets of paper, fold it and place it in the Blessing Box. I have found myself saying a silent thank you as I placed the paper in the box. Now you will always be reminded of the treasures in your life. These memories and blessings are yours—to treasure, to cherish, to keep, to hold, to share. May love be what you remember most…in your Blessing Box.”

Richard Edler Words of Wisdom

I only met Richard Edler once. It was at a Regional Conference in Scottsdale, AZ, 15 years ago. For the first time since my daughter died in 1994, I listened to a man who made so much sense to me; what he said, how he acted, his humor, his whole being radiating warmth, compassion, and the caring attitude of one who wanted to help all of us who sat there listening intently, hungry for some knowledge and words that would help us move on with our lives. Clearly, those words came, and I treasured them, for not many years after that, he died suddenly, joining his son Mark, who had died 10+ years earlier.

Richard Edler was a popular and brilliant, eloquent speaker at Compassionate Friends conferences, husband to Kitty and father to Mark. Kitty is still active and a staunch supporter of The Compassionate Friends where she lives and also on the national level.

Below I have printed some of what I call Richard’s “words of wisdom,” three valuable lessons he learned going through the grief journey. Read them and see if you don’t agree and if they help you understand what you are going through.

“Life goes on and we must too. Gradually the pain eases and the warm memories replace the sadness. Gradually, we return to life. One day we find that it is 11:00 in the morning, and we have not thought about our child yet. At first we feel guilt. But then we also realize we are going forward. We will never forget. But we decide that the loss of our child will not be the all-consuming factor in our life. We choose to enjoy friends again. We choose to go out to dinner again. We choose to laugh again. I am convinced that this is what our children would want for us. The pain does not bring our child back. It only makes us miserable without end.

“Become grateful for what we have, not focused on what we have lost. I see people in our chapter meetings who have gone through every parent’s nightmare and want no part of life again. But, I ask that these compassionate friends also think about the ways they have been blessed, as well as hurt. In my experience, most people have more to be thankful for than they realize: health, other children, a loving family, a career they enjoy, financial security, life in a free country, a faith that works for them, a true best friend, a spouse who they love. Nobody has it all. But compared to most of the world, we have a lot.

“The life we now lead will be better than it would have been. That does not make our child’s death a good thing. It just means that our child’s life mattered, and it has changed us forever. It means that in some small way the world will be better because our child lived, and we are the ones who can make it so. We have a new sense of priorities. We don’t sweat the small stuff. We know what matters because we know what is irreplaceable. And we know how deeply other people hurt because we, too, have been there. We know how they feel.

“And when our life is different and better because our child lived, then that child is never forgotten. Each of us would do anything in the world to go back in time, but we can’t. It is up to us now to go forward, and we can.”

Note: Next Sunday I write about another very popular speaker's words of wisdom for bereavement groups across the country and also one who died far too young: Darcie Sims.

Class Reunion Jitters

My daughter died the same year as her 10^th annual high school reunion. I had some choices to make at that time, and those choices would define my life at that time and in the future.

Marcy was looking forward to this reunion. She would be able to see friends she hadn’t kept in contact with for one reason or another. She could tell them about her successful career as the publicity director for the L.A. Music Center. She could talk about her recent wedding and how proud she was of her husband and their life together. And she could relive those exciting high school memories with those she knew. But it was not meant to be. She died two months before the reunion. I requested some mention of her be made in the reunion booklet, and so the last page in the booklet simply said “In Memory of…” and the year of her death, 1994, with a picture, nothing more. I was hurt and disappointed that there was no write-up but said nothing to the school or reunion committee. She had been in many clubs, won honors in the debate club and was either in or behind the scenes in all school plays. I would have done a short write-up, if asked, but no one did, I felt hurt that her classmates didn’t care enough to honor her life and mention some of her accomplishments.

Years later, I had my 50^th high school reunion. My curiosity urged me to go and see those I had associated with so long before, but I was afraid of the inevitable question, “How many children do you have?” I knew I would stumble on the answer. Of course, all conversation would then stop . The one who asked wouldn’t know what to say after “I’m so sorry.” And I would feel awkward responding, “Thank you.” I would want to say more about her but knew it probably wasn’t appropriate since the person who asked never knew her and would be in a hurry to change the conversation. I’m sure others told stories of great sorrow and pain who did attend the 50^th reunion, but perhaps it was easier for them in some way. For me, it wouldn’t have been.

So I avoided the entire scenario that I conjured up in my mind by not going to the reunion at all. During that same period of time I had received a call from the alumni group of my college sorority saying they were putting out a hard covered book of all the alumni, names, addresses, spouse names and of course, any children names and ages. When that question came up, “How many children do you have?” I paused for a short time, then answered, “None.” A few minutes after hanging up, I felt so guilty for not acknowledging my wonderful daughter, I called them back and explained why I had said that. Very calmly they said, “Not a problem, we’ll change it immediately.” So I gave them Marcy’s information, and I had this great big smile on my face when the book came out months later, and I saw it all there.

From that time forward I acknowledge everything about my daughter to anyone who will listen. We want to talk about our children and their lives, however short those lives may have been. We don’t want to forget them, and we want others to know and remember them also.

Now when asked the inevitable question, I directly respond to the person and look them straight in the eyes. “I have one daughter who died in a car accident 21 years ago. She was 27 and my only child.” And then I talk about her. I am proud of her and her accomplishments, and I want to acknowledge them and also let others know how much I loved her. 

Aware Awake Alive

On Dec. 2, 2008, following a fraternity hazing ritual, Julia and Scott Starkey’s son Carson died of acute alcohol poisoning. Following his death, the Starkey family formed Aware Awake Alive, a nonprofit that prevents loss of life to alcohol poisoning by educating teens, young adults and parents on its symptoms and empowering them with the necessary tools and resources. Here is the Starkey story.

Carson was compelled to drink large quantities of alcohol; he became unresponsive. Sigma Alpha Epsilon members put Carson in a vehicle to take him to the hospital but ultimately abandoned the trip for fear of getting themselves and their fraternity in trouble. They returned to the house and left Carson on a mattress; he never woke up. Carson died—unresponsive, not monitored, and abandoned on a mattress. He died from acute alcohol poisoning; his blood alcohol level was .40.

His friends are now living with the consequences of what they didn’t do that night. They didn’t realize they could be charged with a felony. One students says it cost his family $160,000 in legal fees and $500,000 in a civil suit settlement. He says it opened his eyes to the real issue. “You have to be extremely careful and look after your friends.”

Aware Awake Alive was created in August of 2011 by Carson’s family and it works with parents and educators throughout the United States to educate young people on the symptoms of alcohol poisoning, create awareness on the conditions that enable it, and encourage responsibility for one another in situations where alcohol is consumed.

Aware Awake Alive is driven by a core belief and philosophy that lives can and will be saved simply by working together. They aim to partner with like-minded individuals and organizations while encouraging an atmosphere of shared responsibility among young people, their peers, parents, and educators.

Many events are held each year to enhance the program. Just this past April, they raised $6,000 for educational scholarships. The family is turning their personal tragedy into something positive with their work. They believe the loss of Carson has given them a unique  gift to serve and help others.

Many web sites can give much insight to this problem: The Medical Amnesty Initiative, The Gordie Foundation, Red Watch program, CNN Health, Keep Friendships Alive, Face Project and 911 Lifeline Legislation. This last site talks about the Texas legislation, led by Senator Kirk Watson, limiting immunity if you try to get help to save someone’s life.

Education is one of the key factors in creating awareness around the dangers of binge drinking. Here are some of the signs and facts about binge drinking.

If you suspect someone has alcohol poisoning, even if you don’t see the classic signs and symptoms, seek immediate medical care. In an emergency, call 911 immediately. Even if the person has stopped drinking, alcohol continues to be released into the bloodstream and the level of alcohol in the body continues to rise. Never assume that a person will sleep it off.

If the person is conscious, call 800-222-1222 in the U.S. and you’ll automatically be routed to your local poison control center for help.

Be prepared to provide information and if you know, the kind and amount of alcohol the person drank and when. Don’t leave an unconscious person alone or try to make him/her vomit.

Finally, here are some facts you should know:

1.      31% of college students meet national criteria for alcohol abuse diagnosis.

2.      According to the CDC, every year more than 80,000 U.S. deaths are the result of binge drinking.

3.      1 in 3 college students and 1 in 4 high school students are binge drinking.

4.      6 people under 21 die from non-driving alcohol related accidents every day.

5.      5. 90% of alcoholic beverages consumed by those under 21 are while binge drinking.

6.      Nearly 2,000 students die from alcohol-related injuries each year.

About Carson…
In his short life, Carson accomplished much. He looked at the world around him and saw limitless possibilities. He approached life with a practical tenacity that led him to pursue every path that caught his interest with vigor, intelligence and an uncanny intuition. In high school, he lettered four years on the Austin High tennis team while also running on the cross-country team his freshman and sophomore years then playing lacrosse his junior and senior years. Carson began running in races and events around Austin at the age of 6, competing in the Capital 10K nine times. His love for architecture led him to intern at Page Sutherland Page during high school. He then attended Cal Poly State University where he was majoring in architectural engineering. He graduated in the top 10% of his high school class, served on the Austin High Hall of Honor Leaders Council, and made the Dean's List at Cal Poly State University.

 
Carson will always be remembered by family and friends as a shining example of the right way to live and love this life.

Unique Workshops at TCF

There were many unique workshops held at the TCF Conference this year. Unfortunately, I could not attend all the ones I wanted to. But just to give you an idea of what 'unique' workshops were available, let me summarize what some of them were about. If you have something you’d like to see next year at the Scottsdale Conference, July 8-10, 2016, please let someone at the national office know about it.

Dreams: A Blessing in Disguise for Healing Through Loss and Transition – Carla Blowey, author of “Dreaming Kevin: The Path to Healing” and certified dream work facilitator shares the prophetic dream about the death of her 5-year-old son, Kevin, and the subsequent dreams that offered her forgiveness, healing, spiritual growth and new life. Carla shares examples from her own dream journal, to aid participants in discerning the elements of a “dream visit” and a “grief dream” and recognize both dreams as a valuable tool for reconciling the death of a child. The bereaved were invited to examine their own dreams for personal symbols and metaphors, as a means to reconciliation and self-empowerment.

Surrendering to Grief on Our Own Terms – Often we seek out ways to avoid, suppress or distract ourselves from the overwhelming pain of grief. Yet grief experts tell us that our pain, however terrible, must be dealt with to begin our journey of healing. By surrendering ourselves to the reality that grief over the death of our children will last a lifetime, we can learn to live a life that incorporates happiness and purpose once again. This interactive workshop guided participants through exercises of identifying their personal struggles, triggers, emotions and fears. With this information, each person created the terms of their surrender to grief. These unique set of terms will help begin to define the road map toward healing your grief and reinvesting in life.

Intimacy and Grief – The death of a child, grandchild or sibling changes everything. This includes how you relate to your significant other. This workshop explored what grief can do to intimacy and what can be done about it. The discussion focused on identifying self-expectations about intimacy, suggestions for improving communication and also on issues specifically related to sexual intimacy. Discussions centered on issues that many people find uncomfortable.

Healing When Faith is Not an Option – Many bereaved parents and siblings derive strength and comfort from their religious beliefs. Those who are bereaved who have never subscribed to religious belief or who have rejected the faith in which they were raised (whether related to the loss of their loved one or not) may benefit from support and encouragement that does not refer to an afterlife, heaven, angels, reunification, or signs and messages. This workshop does not denigrate any religious belief, but provided a safe haven for those trying to endure their loss without religious support. Such grievers can sometimes feel isolated and marginalized in a culture where the non-religious are a minority.

Soul Gatherings: A Continuing Bond Meditation – The Soul gatherings experience arises out of stillness and offers an opportunity to participate in a circle with the intention to quiet the mind, open the heart and listen. The mediation process will include an opening intention, invitation into the present moment, guided chakra balancing, invitation for support, guided  journey into an open ended experience, silence, sharing, processing, and closing with gratitude. Soul gatherings offered the bereaved an opportunity to redefine the connection with their loved one, for the Continuing Bond (CB) is an essential component of the healing process. Those who embrace the belief that the experience and conversation arises from thought and memory will benefit in the same way as those who hold a belief that consciousness continues to exist after the physical death of the body. Soul gatherings supports a life affirming transition of loving in presence to loving in separation.

The Grief of Grandparents – This workshop explored ways grandparents can grieve while still being sensitive to their child and daughter/son-in-law, ways to be supportive without hovering/smothering.  If the death of the grandchild affected your relationship, there are some positive ways to mend it. They covered self-care and health issues; physical, mental, emotional, sleeping too much, not sleeping at all, alcohol use, Rx meds, counseling, exercise, eating too much or not eating. The ages of grandchildren, causes of death and how long ago are factors in your grief. Also discussed were ways to honor the memory of the grandchild.

The Healing Power of Animals and Nature in Grief – This interactive workshop explored the healing power of nature and animals for parents who have experienced the death of a child. Covered was the importance of “walking in awareness”, discovering the teachings revealed by nature and animals, and how these teachings can empower parents to transform their perspectives following the death of their children.

Many other workshops dealt with becoming childless, substance related deaths, loss of an infant or toddler, writing to stay connected to true feelings, military loss, stepparents, stillbirths and miscarriages, just to name a few. Something for everyone was the key to the successful conference.