The divorce rate

As I was thinking about what I wanted to say this week, my husband popped up with this question, “Has anyone ever commented on any of your blogs?” “No," I answered, "not that I know of. But people tend to be afraid of voicing their opinions online.”

I would indeed encourage you to read through my blogs and comment where you feel appropriate. Don’t forget that the ones you see are only the recent ones. On the right hand side it lists them all, dating back to late August ’07 when I started this blog.

With that in mind, let me make a few comments to the people who ask me about the divorce rate following the death of a child. Like many myths, this one has snowballed way out of proportion. Harriet Schiff in 1977 (The Bereaved Parent) said that as high as 90 percent of all bereaved couples are in serious marital difficulty within months after the death of their child. She does not cite her source for this, and no one ever questioned her about it. So it became fact. But it is not true, and grief experts challenged the myth. By 1998 they said there was no evidence of higher divorce rates among bereaved parents.

Then in 2006 The Compassionate Friends commissioned a survey and one of the questions dealt with divorce. It was found that only 16 percent of the parents divorce after the death of a child and only 4 percent said it was because of the death…that there were problems in the marriage way before the child died.

This is not to say that there are not problems when a child dies. One of the biggest is that husbands and wives grieve differently. One may want to attend a support group, the other doesn’t. One couple in my book had a tough time with that but found that as long as they talked about their child together and kept the lines of communication open, that commonality saved their marriage and they both grew from it. On the other hand, how a child dies can cause friction in a marriage. If parents start blaming each other for the child’s death, whether it is from anger or just misplaced blame, that can lead to marital stress and in turn, divorce. Couples have to make a commitment to want to stay together.

Against all odds, many couples have found that their marriage grew stronger after the death of their child. They learned new coping techniques and they had a great desire to move on with their lives while never, never forgetting their child.

I, personally, have learned through my tragedy two important lessons that many other singles or couples learn. My compassion for others is much deeper now, and I have a genuine desire to help others; hence, my work with bereavement conferences, speaking to groups and writing my book. As tragic as the death of a child may be, we can all grow in the end.