Shatterproof

Second in a 3-part series of interesting workshops and speakers I attended at the national TCF conference recently in Dallas, Texas.

One of the keynote speakers (there were four of them) was Gary Mendell, the founder and CEO of Shatterproof, a national organization committed to protecting our children from addiction to alcohol or other drugs. He also wants to end the stigma and suffering of those affected by the disease. His son, Brian, lost his battle with addiction in 2011 and this organization is to honor his son.

Shatterproof’s quest to end addiction is guided by a group of scientific, medical, business and public policy leaders. In its first year, it was influential in the passage of legislation that significantly reduced the number of deaths related to overdose and has provided funding to expand the use of an intervention program that has proven to reduce the number of teens that will become addicted. They are working to change the lives of the hundred million Americans affected by addition.

Here are a few quotes from those who have been touched by addiction and are getting help at all ages, in all communities, and learning the most important fact of all—that they or their relatives can survive and recover from any type of addiction.

Warren Phillips: My father was an addict who died from an overdose when I was 10 years old. At 29 years old, I am an also an addict. I have 2.5 years sober and am living with a purpose to help young addicts find joy in recovery. I am not alone in my journey.

Swami Kavyo: I am an alcoholic, currently in recovery. Both sides of my family have a history of alcoholism. I started drinking in my early teens, was a daily drinker and actually overdosed once in my teens. In college I added drugs to the mix.

Makalynn Powell:I got clean at 17 years old after an extensive history with opiates, among other narcotics. I spent 10 months in a residential treatment center and have been clean ever since.

Valerie Carbone: My whole family has been hurt by addiction. We all are limping and hanging on .  We families need to gather together like MADD did and make it stop.  I'm so glad to have come across this movement.

Jody Cowan: My two daughters are addicts. One is now living at home, clean and on Suboxone.  She's working on herself and trying to get her life up and running. I'm so proud she did it!  She was addicted to Heroin and shooting up.

Shatterproof also launched a series of innovative rappelling events in 30 cities across the U.S. to reduce the stigma associated with this disease, educate the public, and advocate for change. By raising funds from these events and public donations, they hope to reduce the devastating impact of addiction on families across the U.S.

Helping to make our country Shatterproof is Gary’s mission.

Gifts From Grief

     For the next few weeks I’m going to tell you about some of the wonderful workshops I attended at the National Compassionate Conference recently. This first one is called “Gifts of Grief,” given by Donna Goodrich. I paraphrase the handout she gave us listing the gifts, plus add my own thoughts.

As we all know, we can’t bring back our children who have died. And I’m sure we’ve all said that we’d give up any “gifts” we may receive as a result of their death, just to have them back, alive with us again. We know this can’t happen, so we must look for the gifts we are now offered and let them be a living memory to our child.

Here are some of the gifts you may receive if you attend a TCF meeting:

1      The gift of  “courage” to go to your first TCF meeting.

2      The gift of hope from other bereaved parents at that meeting.

3      At that meeting did you find someone: to share precious moments of your child with them? Did          you laugh with them? Did they allow you to talk about your child?

The above are all gifts that you may receive at that first meeting. But as you continue going to these meetings, you will find that there will be changes “within you.” Here are some of the changes you may find:

4     You have become a more compassionate and forgiving person than you were before your child           died

5      You understand the value of an “I love you” like never before.

6      You understand what matters most in life today.

7      You are more supporting of others going through a loss than ever before.

8      Your life has a better focus and greater meaning since your child died

9      You’ve learned to live in the moment.

10  You may get pictures of your child from others that you didn’t know existed

11  You may talk about your child whether others like it or not.

12  You may give of yourself to others more.

13  You now have more loyal and compassionate friends who understand your loss.

14  You learn happy stories about your child from others.

15  You are a better person now than before our child died.

16  You have a better appreciation of life and who to share it with.

17  You forgive ourselves and others and give them a second chance.

18  You have deep relationships with people you would never have thought of as being close to.

19  You have the ability to empathize with those suffering.

20 You receive “hugs” from heaven when you find pennies, see dragonflies, butterflies, rabbits,                rainbows, hummingbirds—all showing up at just the right time. They help us through the darkest        days and let us know that our children are still with us in some way.

“There are many gifts in grief and it may take you a lifetime to find them, but they are there for us—given because we continue to love our children and seek a continued connection to that love,” said Donna.

What “gifts” have I received from the death of my daughter? Here are some. I became a book author of two books on surviving grief, never dreaming those books would include my daughter. I became known not only for those books, but everything I have written and contributed to other books, other newsletters, online writings and my eight years of blogs on surviving grief. My life’s desire is now to help others cope with their loss, speak to groups and keep my daughter’s name and life alive in other’s memory. I have learned what is important in life and not to dwell on the little things that don’t matter. I have become more empathetic to others, more giving and have wonderful, lasting friendships with those I can now identify with. I also agree with Donna’s list of changes that take place within yourself.

Our children may be gone from our lives, but nothing can take the beautiful memories we will always keep and treasure.

Supportive Husbands

They say the third time is the charm. That is so true for my third husband and me, now married nine years, but together for 12 years. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband. He is kind, thoughtful and it is such a comfort to know he understands and supports me during the good days and the not so good days, as I continue my never-ending grief journey.

We go to the cemetery together; he never lets me go alone. He always reminds me when it is time to go there in case I have forgotten an important date. We choose to go about 4 times a year. (For some people that is a lot; for others not enough. Many factors go into this decision and whatever is best for you personally is what you should do.)

My husband has watched videos of my daughter and understands her personality and our relationship. On what was her wedding day, we watch the DVD of the ceremony together because he knows it is what I want to do. It is a lovely memory, since it is the only DVD I have of her. I do have lots of photos to look at and have also shown many of those to him also.

Although they were destined never to meet, my husband gets very emotional and teary-eyed when he speaks of Marcy to others, her accomplishments and how well we got along as I have explained her to him over our years together. It always brings tears to my eyes to hear him speak so fondly of someone he only knew through me.

My husband also has one beautiful daughter, also an only child, who now lives in Belgium. She and Marcy were born in the same month and on the same day, even though 17 years apart. When I speak of that to others, I, as well as they, get goose bumps. What were the chances of that happening? They are so much alike that when I talk to his daughter on the phone or see her in person when we visit, I see the same personality come through, the same expressions and the same words out of her mouth that remind me so much of my daughter. We get along beautifully, something I am grateful for.

And now we have a grandson, something I thought would never be. A picture of Marcy is on a wall in her Belgium apartment so that my grandson will know where his middle name Marc comes from. She has made sure he knows the connection and will continue to do so throughout his life.

My husband and my stepdaughter make sure I am a great part of our grandson’s life. Not only is he thrilled with his first grandson, but more importantly to him, is the fact that I, too, can share that joy with him. He knows how much it means to me. I truly love this little boy and know that as he grows up, I will always be ‘grandma’ to him. I understand it is not important that we are not blood relatives. I am as close to him as any grandparent can be and can’t wait for the next time we are together.

I hope you, too, have the love and support that I have found and that it has helped you cope with your loss.

Making a Difference

Thoughts from a recent speech I wrote and gave to a bereavement group on surviving...

You all have a future after the death of your child. Because you are all doing the best you can, you are survivors, survivors from what I believe is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to you. You may question whether you are capable of being a survivor, you may not believe it yet, but in time you will.

All of us have to work it out in our own time sequence. For some it is a shorter period, for others, much longer. I don’t need to tell you what it feels like, how your life changed in a split second, how difficult it is. It is indeed the most unbearable loss of all. But I truly believe we were left here to do some good, to help others who may not know where to turn.

Time is our friend. Time does not heal us completely but it does soften our grief. Hope can be found even when all seems lost. With hope, we are on our way to the reconciliation of our grief and the reinvention of ourselves after this devastating loss. We are forever changed, and it is our choice whether this experience expands or diminishes us. It often takes years to recognize this.

The quote, “I can not choose what I feel, but I can choose what I do about it” has meant a lot to me over the years since my daughter’s death. I choose life. I choose joy again. I choose not to be a victim. Despair and lifelong agony need not be a choice. I know there will be “moments” but those can be safely put back in place. I also choose to help others in the best way I can, through my writing and through my speaking. I choose to make a difference for those who have lost a child and for those who crave to know how to act and react to others who have lost a child. I do all this not only because I want to, but also in my child’s memory. She would have wanted this from me.

Author Martha Hickman in her book, Healing After Loss, said, “We found that our circle of friends shifted. We were surprised and disappointed that people we thought were good friends became distant, uneasy and seemed unable to help us. Others, who were casual acquaintances, became suddenly close, sustainers of life for us. 

Grief changes the rules, and sometimes rearranges the combinations...”

3 Important Points For Newly Bereaved

For the newly bereaved, grieving is hard work. It is the hardest work you will ever have to do, but you can do it and survive this loss.

There are three important points to always keep in mind as you go through your grief journey.

(1) Don’t put demands on yourself to get better quickly. You’re not sick. You’re broken. You can be mended, but you’ll always have a missing piece in your heart. Take it one hour, one day at a time for as long as you need to. Don't let anyone tell you it is time to get over this, especially those who don't understand what you are going through if they have never lost a child. Only those who have gone through this can understand. Take deep breaths constantly.

(2) Read all you can about the experience. Read grief books that talk about how newly bereaved go about moving on with their lives and what other bereaved parents have done to help themselves. Read professional books written by counselors that talk about what you will be feeling at any certain time and practical solutions to those feelings. Although these latter types of books are not personalized with stories of real people and real experiences, reading what professionals have to say can be of help. Read magazine articles on the subject of loss as well as articles from newspapers.

(3) Keep a journal about your feelings. Each day, sit down and write what you are feeling, so that when you look back you can see how far you have progressed. You’ll be surprised how many things you would never have remembered if you hadn’t kept one. My journal became the opening quarter of my first book, all about my daughter and especially my feelings during this period of my life. As I look back and read and re-read it, it brings back good, happy feelings of my daughter, things buried deep within me that I can now recall whenever I need or want to.

I wish you all good things on your grief journey.

DAY ONE Promotion

Five years ago Tyler Clemente, an 18-year-old freshman at Rudgers University jumped from the George Washington bridge, a result of bullying. I wrote about bullying that long ago, and it still goes on today as much as ever. But Tyler’s parents, Joe and Jane Clemente, who formed a foundation honoring Tyler, recently launched a campaign to put a stop to bullying before it can even start.

The incident that brought about Tyler’s death was that he had a date with a man and his roommate secretly videoed them kissing, put it on the internet and it went viral. The roommate and a woman friend were charged with several crimes including invasion of privacy. The roommate only served 20 days and the girl, who did a plea deal, got no time.

Tyler’s older brother was also gay and told Tyler before he went to college. Tyler came out to his mother before he left for college. A huge weight was lifted from Tyler, even though he thought his mother rejected him, which turned out to be far from the truth. Tyler asked for a roommate change after the web cam incident but never said anything to his family about it.

Tyler’s mom lived in a fog for four years, not believing what had happened and not understanding why.  Just recently she has started to move forward. She wants no one else to ever experience what her son did. She speaks out now against cyber bullying, raising awareness and money. Four years ago, when she established the Tyler Clemente Foundation, she vowed to try to end on-line and off-line bullying in schools, workplaces and faith communities.

A few weeks ago she and her husband launched DAY ONE, premised on the idea that if you stand up on the first day of school or work or if on a sports team and say you will never treat anyone differently because of who they are, how they dress or what their body looks like. “If you do, there will be consequences,” Jane said.

According to Jan, this is powerful. Most young people don’t hear a person in authority make a statement about what is expected of them and won’t be tolerated. She says they are not focusing on just bullies but on witnesses, asking bystanders to become upstanders by reporting it. Jane feels she was a bystander by not helping her son and wants to become an upstander now.

Joe Clemente says that parents shouldn’t underestimate what your child is going through. “Even though you may not think it’s a big deal, the child may think it’s the end of the world,” he added.

By doing this project Jane and Joe are learning, not so much to heal, but to live through their pain that they know will never leave them because of Tyler’s unnecessary death.

Another Father's Day

Father’s Day is often a forgotten holiday, overshadowed by the longer standing tribute to mothers. But for the bereaved father, it is a poignant reminder of the bittersweet memory of a loved, now lost, child; bitter for the death and pain and recognition of the inability to stop what happened. Fathers do not often have a chance to share their hurts and concerns. Oftentimes they are unable to do so.

Every father believes in his role as protector of his family. He has been assigned the job of fixer and problem solver. He has been told since his youngest days that he must be strong…and must not cry. But each father among us has had to face that point where no amount of fixing, problem solving, and protecting has been able to stop their child’s death.”

One father says that being a good dad was the thing he did best in his life. He now honors his child’s memory by helping others in the same situation and by talking about him and doing things his child liked to do like attend football games at his high school and wearing his favorite clothes. He is making a personal, private statement that his son still matters to him.

Another father says it took him many years to accept the death of his child, but he has now moved on. “When my daughter was alive, she, with the help of my wife, made a big deal about Father’s Day, always serving me breakfast in bed, giving me a little gift and spending quality time with me. Knowing and understanding how I feel, my wife continues to make it a special day. One of the things we do is visit her grave and tell her what we did that day. At home we light a candle in her memory.

Still another father, who lost his only son, says he wasn’t prepared for how hard that first year without his child would be. He had difficulties concentrating at work and challenges regarding his wife understanding his feelings. What helped was knowing he had been blessed to be a father and would always love and remember all the good times they had together. Death could not take that away from him.

Perhaps this Father’s Day should be a time when family members, whoever they are, give Dad a hug, do something special, help with the chores, and most of all, let him know how important, needed and loved he is.

Happy Father’s Day to all.