Since I am now a grandmother (my husband’s daughter’s son),
I can well understand the depth of grief a grandparent feels when a grandchild
dies, whether it is auto related, from an illness or even a random shooting
(like what happened at Sandy Hook or Columbine).
More than 160,000 American grandparents lose grandkids each
year. Yet their grief is often minimized. They are the forgotten mourners
according to Polly Moore, regional coordinator for Compassionate Friends. “People
think, it’s not your child, so the pain must be less intense.” But because of
the bond grandparents have with these children, they often feel helpless as
well as heartbroken.
A grandparent’s grief is doubled. Not only is there grief
for the grandchild but also for the parents of the child. How do you begin to
console a son or daughter drowning in grief at the loss of their child, while
you struggle with your own grief for all of them?
Getting through all the anniversaries that first year alone
is very difficult: the child’s birthday, death day, Christmas, etc. The pain is
unbearable, yet most struggle to move on. One grandmother said, “Everything I
do reminds me of my grandson. I cry every day with my husband. We can’t
comprehend he is no longer with us, but we try to live as normal a life as
possible. It is my son and daughter-in-law I worry about the most now.”
A friend of mine lost a grandchild in a sudden death car
accident and she tried everything she could to help her daughter deal with the
loss, asked friends for help, asked organizations that dealt with such
tragedies to speak to her daughter, but all to no avail. I even had lunch one
day with the daughter and her mother. I tried to explain that time is a great
healer, that she can’t expect to be better immediately, that some parents take
as long as five years to heal and move on with their lives, as well as other
helpful ideas for her, but all to no avail. To this day, more than 10 years
later, she is still as bitter as though it happened yesterday. Her mother, my
friend, is terribly worried about her, as she tries to deal with the grandchild’s
death also. “It’s so hard to lose a grandchild, but even harder when you feel
helpless and have to watch your daughter go through this by herself.”
Other grandparents try to hang on to the good memories and
have kept certain items around the house to remind them of their wonderful
grandchild. One grandparent said that her grandson, Jason, was a bright loving
child who loved to cuddle with all his family members. “I loved holding him
tight and telling him how much I loved him ‘up to the sky and down again.’ In
his little boy’s mind, he used to try to picture how far that was and often
asked me. I would just smile,” she said.
I read once that Vice-president’s Joe Biden’s advice to
bereaved parents and grandparents was to rate each day from 1 to 10—and you may
never get to 10. He said if you have a good day and make it to a 4 that day, at
least you know you made it to a 4. And then you know you can do it again.
In a similar vain, my ex-husband, who struggled with our
daughter’s death, had a friend paralyzed from the death of his grandchild, who
used to make a list of what he wanted to accomplish that day. The first thing
on his list was to get out of bed every day. When he could do that successfully
for a while, he added another item to his list, and each day, week, or month,
he kept adding things like: today I got out of bed, today I brushed my teeth, today
I made breakfast and finally, today I went back to work. In other words, don’t
try to accomplish too much at once; you won’t be able to do it. Good advice
that my ex tried, and it worked for him.
Here is some advice from grief experts I recently read about
in the AARP magazine to make this hard journey easier for all. I have added additional
thoughts to this list.
EXPRESS DIFFICULT FEELINGS. Bereaved grandparents can write
or talk to a friend or counselor or find support from organizations such as
Compassionate Friends, MISS foundation, Alive Alone or Bereaved Parents USA.
READ ALL YOU CAN. Try “The Grief Recovery Handbook”, “Grandparents
Cry Twice”, or any book about surviving the death of a child or grandchild. I
have a great resource section in the back of my second book, “Creating a New
Normal After the Death of a Child.”
STAY EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED TO THE DECEASED. Prayer,
contemplation and dreams can provide solace; the lost person’s presence is
still felt.
LET GO OF PAIN WHEN POSSIBLE. Don’t feel guilty when intense
grief begins to ebb. You will not forget your loved one. There is no need to
cling to sorrow. Grievers should remember that the loved one lived, not only that
he or she died.
BUILD MEMORIALS. Start a scholarship or a foundation or
plant a tree or start a new family ritual. Buy bricks in new buildings or even
build a building in the loved one’s memory.
EXPECT A BUMPY RIDE. Grief is unpredictable; it can revive
old, forgotten pains. This is normal and one should understand this is just
part of the process.
TAKE A BREATHER. Grieving grandparents should give
themselves permission to rest. Visit a friend or place that nourishes—a place
where they don’t have to be strong for the family. Find what helps you the
most. It takes time and patience. There are no quick fixes.
