Books To Help Young People Cope

Adults are always trying to make sense of the death of a loved one. This is especially true of a child. We know how hard it is for us, so it must be just as hard for children to understand and accept a sibling’s death or a grandparent or parent. Young children will most likely have questions about why death happens and what happens to the people they love after they are gone.

There are a number of books written to provide children with a sense of comfort and to help them understand their feelings of sadness and grief. It is an education all children should have in their life, so that when they are confronted with death of a sibling, parent, or grandparent, their reactions are normal. Here are a few of the books, aimed at 4 years and older.

Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine by Diana Crossley, is an activity book designed to help children ages four and older deal with their feelings after losing a loved one. The activities range from arts and crafts to journaling and allow the child to make sense of the concept of death.

Ladder to the Moon by Maya Soetoro-Ng is a story about a young girl who wants to connect with her late grandmother whom she has never met. When a ladder appears at the girl’s bedroom window, she is able to take a magical journey with her grandmother. The author, who is also President Obama’s sister, was inspired by her own daughter’s questions about her grandmother, who passed away before she was born.

When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie and Marc Brown, offers is a straightforward explanation for young readers about the meaning death, funerals and other concepts dealing with loss. The answers to the questions are designed to spark conversations between children and their parents about feelings.

God Gave Us Heaven by Lisa Bergren and Laura Bryant, who can give younger readers who have questions about what happens to their loved ones after death, a sense of comfort. In the book, a little cub’s father describes Heaven as a beautiful, happy place where loved ones go after they have died.

I Miss You: A First Look At Death by Pat Thomas, explains death to young children in gentle, basic terms that they can understand without subscribing to any particular religious belief. The book explains that death is a natural part of life and that grief is a normal feeling when a loved one is lost. 

Missing Mummy by Rebecca Carr, is a moving story about a little boy who’s mother has died. The story is told from the boy’s perspective, and gives the reader a closer look at all of the emotions a child can experience after losing a parent.

If you are part of a family who has recently experienced loss, perhaps one of these books can help. Allow a child the time they may need to process their grief . Don’t hesitate to seek professional help, if needed.

A Word of Hope

A Word of Hope

by Sandy Fox

I’ll walk beside you, I’ll be your friend,

Many can’t understand as I do,

How hard this can be.

Grief is powerful

Death of a child is catastrophic

We can’t undo the tragedy,

But we can learn from it.

You have already survived the worst part,

Don’t let it take you down too far,

You will lose friends, 

Change your address book many times,

Take out names of people you thought were friends,

Change your goals and priorities,

Change how you see the world,

You may have regrets, but push on.

You will feel your child in everything you do

That is good. You don’t want to lose that.

One day your smile will return,

So will your laughter,

You will be whole again

And feel good about yourself and others,

You will never be the person you were before the death,

You will never forget what happened,

But you can create a new normal, a rich meaningful life

That includes all those you care about and love.

Make the most of your life and continue breathing.

‘Hope’ will always keep you going.

September 11, Fifteen Years Later

Today, September 11, is the 15^th anniversary of the most horrific terror event to ever occur on U.S. soil, the fall of the twin World Trade Center towers. I can tell you where I was on that day at that hour as I’m sure millions of people can. It is a day we will never forget.

I had arrived in New York at 3 a.m. that morning (my plane from Phoenix had mechanical problems and was 5 hours late). I checked into a Days Inn Hotel in Newark, N.J. and awoke around 9 a.m., turned on the TV and saw what was happening.

I was in New York and New Jersey to publicize my new book on surviving grief, “I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye,” that had just been published. I had contacted bookstores in the area and a TV station, where I was going to be interviewed. Needless to say, the interview didn’t happen that day, nor for the next seven days that I was stuck in the area because of plane cancellations. Too much was going on, and the TV station was kind enough to let me come back months later for the interview. The bookstores and compassionate friends groups where I was to speak let me go on with the show. But as you can guess, the bookstores were quite empty; everyone was at home or visiting those they knew who were part of the tragedy. The compassionate friends groups had a good turnout and most commented as to how timely my book was then.

A few days after getting home I was contacted by the FBI and asked if I had seen anything that night or the next morning. I hadn’t. It turns out that one of the hijackers was right next door to me. Pretty scary!

We now have a beautiful, poignant memorial in place along with a museum and many memories. Thousands come every day to see it and especially on 9/11 to honor those killed, first responders and everyone who helped to save lives in the aftermath. In the classroom teachers are utilizing age-appropriate lesson plans and teaching students about the importance of remembering 9/11. On social media, you can share your acts of commemoration, tributes and/or messages of remembrance with hashtag #Honor911 or be part of the volunteer efforts.

Since 2001, individuals and organizations have responded to 9/11 with service and volunteer efforts, many supporting the philanthropic wishes and interests of those killed on 9/11. In 2009, this work was formally acknowledged and supported with the establishment of the September 11 National Day of Service and Remembrance. Organized by the Corporation for National and Community Service (CNRS), a federal agency, the official page can be found here: serve.gov/sept11.asp . Download tool kits for the National Day of Service and Remembrance that offer resources for "do-it-yourself" and age-appropriate discussions around service and 9/11.

It is dedicated to keeping alive the spirit of unity and compassion that arose in response to the 9/11 attacks. They promote the annual observance of September 11 as a day of charitable service and doing good deeds. Many ways exist for you to get involved on this day.

In the museum, the memorial exhibition, In Memoriam, commemorates the lives of those who perished on September 11, 2001 and provides visitors with the opportunity to learn about the men, women and children who died. Visitors enter the exhibition along a corridor in which portrait photographs of the nearly 3,000 victims form a "Wall of Faces," communicating the scale of human loss.

Nearby, touchscreen tables allow visitors to discover additional information about each person, including photographs, images of objects and audio remembrances by family, friends and coworkers. Rotating selections of personal artifacts are also featured. An inner chamber presents profiles of individual victims in a dignified sequence through photographs, biographical information and audio recordings.

If you have something you’d like to contribute to the museum, get in touch with  them.

Offering Sympathy to the Bereaved

Suzie Kolber, a volunteer writer at www.obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html  asked if she could contribute this information to my blog. I’m more than happy to print any resources or words to help the bereaved. If you have written something or can give me information that I can expand on, please share it with me and if I can use it, I will certainly do so. In the meantime, you can visit this site for additional information on condolence letters, funeral planning resources or writing obituaries.

Saying the Right Things When You Offer Sympathy to Others  by Suzie Kolber

What do you say to your best friend when his father dies? How do you comfort your cousin who has lost a spouse? And what words can comfort a parent who has lost their child? These are common thoughts for anyone when trying to decide how to offer sympathy to a grieving family member or friend.

Don’t avoid the issue. Instead of trying to talk around the subject, acknowledge the situation. It is appropriate to say that you heard that a person died even if it occurred some time ago. This lets the other person know that you are willing to talk about it and allows them to say what they want.

Always be honest and sincere even if that means admitting that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying that you are sorry about the situation is enough. You can say it in a variety of ways such as: “I’m sorry to hear about your loss” or “I’m sorry that you are going through this” or “I want you to know how sorry I am that this has happened to you.” Showing your concern lets the other person know that he or she is not alone.

Be supportive. You may feel like you should be doing something for the grieving person. It feels awkward to just stand or sit and talk about the situation. If you are the type of person who wants to “fix” things, you should use that attitude in this situation. While you can’t fix it, you can do things to make the burden easier.

Some examples of support include helping out with tasks around the house or caring for children so that the bereaved person can deal with other jobs. You may be able to take on some projects that the deceased handled, especially important when the people are older. Maybe he mowed the lawn, or she cooked dinner. Now that they are gone, this task is left up to another family member. They may feel overwhelmed at all of the work they need to do and appreciate you taking on the responsibility for a few days or weeks.

One of the best ways to offer ongoing support is by asking how the person feels. This allows them to deal with their feelings and express any concerns they are having. It is a good question to ask even months later because people may grieve for a very long time. When you receive an answer to your question, don’t assume that means you have to respond or “make them feel better.” Just the act of telling you that ‘today is a bad day’ or ‘I spent the morning crying’ can be enough.

The most important thing to remember about offering sympathy to people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one is that it’s not the words that matter. It’s the meaning and the intention behind the words.