Crazy Good Grief

A very interesting website will connect you to Paula Stephens, bereaved mom and inspirational speaker. That site is www.crazygoodgrief.com .

Paula has spoken to a variety of groups and conferences and likes to engage and interact with people who desire to live an inspired life after loss. She wants you to feel joy again as she has and has a unique way of doing this. She believes gratitude, letting go, love, humor, adventure and a heaping dose of wellness in heart and soul will begin to shift your ‘new normal’ into a better place.

Paula lost her son Brandon in October, 2010, while he was home on leave from the Army. As all of us understand, her heart was broken. But she wanted to live the rest of her life so that the rest of the world will continue to remember Brandon and honor his life. Out of this grew Crazy Good Grief.

”I never dreamed I would be passionate about learning to thrive after losing a child,” she said. “We didn’t ask for this, no one would, but we do have a choice how we respond to it.”

Read her site, and see all the things she is involved in and does. She can be booked to speak, has a grief retreat in the Rocky Mountains grieving parents can attend, a blog to read, an online market and essential oils for grief kits available.

“I believe we need to live in the sunshine of our loved one’s life, not hide in the shadow of their death,” said Paula.

Note: Paula has a Masters Degree in Exercise Physiology and currently teaches in the Human Performance and Sports Department at Metro State University in Denver. She is a Certified Wellness Coach and Yoga instructor and teaches Yoga for Grief workshops at conferences and other events. Read her bio on her site for additional information.

Broken Heart Syndrome

There is a label for the intense pain and suffering that those who grieve may feel. It is called “Broken Heart Syndrome,” and it is brought on by stressful situations, such as the death of a loved one. It manifests as a temporary disruption of the heart’s normal pumping.

Symptoms can include chest pain and shortness of breath. It affects more women than men. It is attributed to a reaction to a surge of stress hormone, and can occur after the death of a child. The condition may also be called takotsubo cardiomyopathy, apical ballooning syndrome or stress cardiomyopathy by doctors.

It is treatable and the discomfort should abate with time. It is definitely something you should discuss with your physician. Perhaps there is something he can prescribe to help. It can be scary because you feel like you are having a heart attack.

One mother said, “There are times that I hurt so much from losing my child that I could swear that every bone in my body feels as if they are breaking along with my heart.”

In addition to losing a child or any loved one, some potential triggers of broken heart syndrome are

*A frightening medical diagnosis

*Domestic abuse

*Losing a lot of money

*Natural disasters

*Having to perform publicly

*Job loss

*Divorce

*Physical stressors, such as a car accident or major surgery

It’s also possible that some drugs may cause this condition by causing a surge of stress hormones. Again, it is recommended to talk to your doctor.

Keep in mind that heart attacks are generally caused by a complete or near complete blockage of a heart artery due to a blood clot in the wall of the artery. In broken heart syndrome, the heart’s arteries are not blocked, although blood flow in the arteries of the heart may be reduced.

Do not panic if this happens to you. Try to keep your stress level low, even though it may be very difficult at times. This is something you can get through.

More Info on In Loving Memory Conference

For those with no surviving children, the best thing you can do for yourself is to attend the “In Loving Memory” conference April 7-10, 2016, in Fairfax, Virginia at the Hyatt Fair Lakes in Fairfax.

All workshops, sharing sessions, activities and keynote speakers will address the unique needs of now childless parents. Professionals and friends are welcome to attend and learn how to assist this unique group of bereaved parents. Remember, there are no chapters in each city or state as there are for Compassionate Friends. This conference is associated with Alive Alone, the national organization for childless parents, with a gathering held every few years for these parents. For the three days of this conference, this is a great opportunity for those who fit into this category to get as much information as possible from workshops, sharing sessions and speakers to help you move on with your life. And you will learn more about Alive Alone and how it assists in resolving grief and how to reinvest your life for a positive future through the newsletter, published five times a year.

Registration is $75 until Feb. 27. After that date it is $90. The hotel rate is $89 per night until March 24. Make a reservation by calling 1-800-421-1442. You can register for the conference online or send a request to the email below. There is other valuable information on the registration form.

There will be two keynote speakers; Gam and Becky Greer and John and Rose Stanley. The Greers, from London, KY,  lost four children: Stephen in 1979, John Michael, Todd and Kami in 1995. “Now my job is to try to find my way in a world where my children are not and my grandchildren will never be. It is my desire to honor God and my children and to help other bereaved parents by “showing hope,” said Gam.

The Stanleys became very active in Compassionate Friends on the local and national level after the death of their only child, 16-year-old Susan. They have presented workshops at TCF conferences as well as In Loving Memory Conferences. John has held the positions of pastor, chaplain and Minister-Visitation of the First Presbyterian Church in North Carolina.

Some of the workshop titles include: Creating New Rituals for Special Days, How Counseling Could Help, What Gives Me Purpose Now, Grief and Addiction, Handling My Child's Belongings,Intimacy and Grief, Legal Issues, Loss and Humor, Grief in the Workplace, Struggling to Reclaim My Faith, Suicide, Exercising and Eating Right, Death of a Troubled Child, and more. Informal sharing sessions and other activities will also be held.

I would encourage anyone who is now childless to go to this conference. I did two national conferences for childless parents in 2004 and 2007 in Scottsdale, AZ, and believe there is no better place for you to find what you need to begin or continue the healing process.

For more information on the conference, go to www.inlovingmemoryconference.org or email: inlovingmemory1@verizon.net . To learn more about the Alive Alone organization, go to www.alivealone.org.

Reflections on a New Year

When I read an article that I strongly agree with and can relate to, I like to share it with all of you. Recently I received a newsletter from a TCF chapter who reprinted this article from "We Need Not Walk Alone," the national magazine of The Compassionate Friends. The article is entitled “Reflections on a New Year” by Paula Staisiunas who wrote it in memory of her daughter Melissa and the daughter’s husband Jeff Schultz who both died in a car accident seven weeks after their marriage in 1999.
                                  _________________________________

We begin a new year, one that many of us enter with reluctance. After all, it means another year away from our child and another year to be lived without the physical presence of the one we have lost. Apprehensive about any new challenges that we may be called upon to face in our broken condition, we call out, “Wait, I’m not ready yet!”

The death of our child changed the course of our life; nothing will be the same again. But it also has shaped us into who we are today. And it will continue to do so as we learn to incorporate this loss into who we are to become.

Have you found that you have already begun to live differently? Compassion toward others is more profound. Trivial things are no longer important. Appreciation for life and those in our lives, is paramount. We’re living the same life—differently.

Tragedies, disappointments, and heartaches combine with beauty, love and joy to fashion our life. These are all a part of life, and our challenge is to incorporate them into our world. The difference that our child’s life has had upon the world continues through us.

So, rather than being fearful of the challenges that lie ahead, perhaps a better question to consider at this time might be: What opportunities will present themselves in the coming year to honor this loss that is already a part of our life? Our child has become more integrally entwined into our being than ever before. We bring him or her to every situation that we encounter. How can we make that situation better because of this bond?

The start of a new calendar year is a good time to remember that we are in the midst of life. It is not perfect. Nor is it one that we might have chosen. But, our struggles do not put life “on hold.” Rather they are a part of life itself! Our life is ours to make the most of, with many gifts that we can share with others. There is no better time than the present to gather up the pieces and recognize the uniqueness that we each call “me”—uniqueness made more wonderful because of our child’s presence in the life we choose to live.

Remembering in the New Year

A new year is upon us and as I do at the beginning of each new year, I open my special closet that contains what I have left of my daughter: four boxes filled with many memories. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but they are the important things I never want to part with. I take one box at a time and look through them, remembering…

There are school honors for organizations she belonged to and did exceptional activities in them. There are some scrapbooks with photos and reminders of happier times. There are the girl scout badges, some of which never got sewn on to the green sash. Not only are there trophies from speech tournaments in high school but also plaques from youth groups representing her accomplishments as a chapter leader. Her artistic achievements in scrap-booking for her youth group were rewarded as were her leadership abilities as president of a variety of organizations. Even after graduating college, she was asked to be president of her college alumni association before her death. I was very proud of her many writings she did as media and publicity director for the L.A. Music Center. For never having taken any writing classes, she was an excellent writer!

My husband had a great idea this year. He said, “Why don’t you take the trophies Marcy won and the trophies you won during high school and college and display them all together on a shelf in your office, where you do all your writing and spend many hours?” What a good idea, I thought! And that has happened this week.

In another box are hundreds of letters sent to me from friends and co-workers expressing their sympathy and talking about Marcy. It warms my heart to read and reread them each year, knowing she was much loved by all.

I keep a box of all the material from the funeral—the guest book, the gifts and contributions in her memory, the plaques and trees planted in a variety of locations with photos of each, and the memorial services held for her, all of which I attended.

In the last box I have a potpourri of items: most important to me are the photos. In my office, my bedroom and the family room, I have at least one photo of Marcy. That way, she is with me always. I smile as I remember the significant event or activity represented in the photo of  her… some with friends, some with family, all of whom are long gone.

This ritual of sorts helps me remember not only her life but also her personality and friendships with many acquaintances and family members. She was so full of life and had many plans for her future. Like all bereaved parents, I want to never forget that she lived and was loved. Going through the things I still have after almost 22 years is my personal way of keeping her memory alive.

Presidental Politics and Parental Grief

The White House has often been home to parents who mourn lost children. Their reactions to their loss and their decisions to not run, may or may not have changed the course of history. Historians are still out on this one.

Most recently, when Vice-president Joseph Biden Jr, announced that he was not running for president in 2016, he cited his son, Beau’s death, and his struggle with his grief as the main reason. Biden, it seems, took his time to decide, since it was well known that he wanted to be president one day. But those of us who have lost a child know how emotionally draining it is to even function day to day. And a president’s responsibility for the entire nation is a huge job and can’t be taken lightly.

We often think of a president as someone who is immune from tragic events, but many of our presidents have lost one or more children, particularly in the early part of the 20^th century when as many as three in 10 infants died before their first birthdays. I thought you might like to hear of some of these losses.

Probably, one of the most famous presidents who lost a child was John F. Kennedy, whose son Patrick Kennedy, died just 39 hours after birth. He was pre-mature and had complications. 

The same with Christine Reagan, Ronald Reagan and Jane Wyman’s daughter, who died shortly after her birth in 1947.

Dwight D. Eisenhower and Mamie’s first son, Icky, died of Scarlet Fever at age 3.  From then on, he sent his wife flowers year on his son's birthday. George Bush’s second child, Robin, also died at age 3 from Leukemia.

Another very famous president, Abraham Lincoln, lost the third of his four sons, 11-year-old Willie of Typhoid Fever in 1862. He also lost Edward, his second son at age 3 in 1850. 

William McKinley’s two children, daughters Ida and Katie, died early deaths.

For some presidents, the loss of their child affected them greatly and they suffered setbacks and recover very slowly, if at all. Franklin Pierce witnessed the violent death of his third and only surviving son, Benny, in a train accident two weeks before his inauguration and did not do well afterwards. 

Nor did Calvin Coolidge, whose second son, 16 year old Calvin Jr., died in 1924 of a staph infection acquired after playing tennis without his socks. He did not seek re-election in 1928 because of this death. “The power and the glory of the presidency went with Calvin,” he said. 

Theodore Roosevelt’s son, Quentin, was shot down by a German pilot in 1918. Roosevelt died brokenhearted six months later in 1919.

Many other presidents lost children and one running for president in 2016, Carly Fiorina, lost her 35-year-old stepdaughter, Lori Ann, who died of a drug overdose. She speaks bluntly about her pain, gets it out in the open and doesn’t try to hide her feelings as some do. She and others believe that not hiding their anguish is one of the best ways to deal with their grief.

Most have one thing in common. They recovered and moved on with their lives and experienced what some experts call post-traumatic growth, positive changes after a crisis, including a greater appreciation of life and personal strength. Others suffered depression and other psychiatric conditions and had to seek help.

We all cope differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve a child’s death. It is and should be an individual's choice as to how he/she deals with it.

Perfect Christmas Gifts

Editor’s note: I have asked my friend Sandra Howlett, grief specialist, for permission to use one of her writings during this holiday season. This is directed at everyone, bereaved or not, about what you can do to make this a special holiday for everyone. At the same time, bereaved parents can honor their child who died with many of these deeds. Happy Holidays to all.

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This is the season where many people spend tremendous energy and money on gift giving. This can be stressful and worrisome in addition to the strain on your credit card. What if you had an alternative? What is the ‘perfect gift’ and how much would it cost? There are a host of alternative gifts that are sure to fit your budget and your heart.

The Gift of Your Time—Being with someone, giving them your undivided attention, is perhaps one of the most precious, priceless gifts you can offer. You may put together a puzzle with a child or go for a walk or visit someone in a nursing home. Whatever you choose, you are creating a memory of caring and sharing.

The Gift of Listening—Good listeners are rare treasures. You have an opportunity to allow someone to tell their story and pay full attention to them. This means no interruptions, no chiming in with your story…only listening to theirs and asking questions for more details.

The Gift of Your Talent—What do you do well? You don’t need to be perfect, just a cut above some others? Do you make great banana bread? Can you fix a leaky faucet? Can you take a letter for someone unable to see or write anymore? What can you do with ease that you could share with others?

The Gift of Your Smile—Have you noticed the faces of others while you are out and about? Some people seem distracted, frustrated or borderline miserable while going about their daily doings. Offer them your smile—a free gift of encouragement. Make eye contact and connect with a smile and a gleam in your eye. You just might be the person who turns their day around…and it is sure to lift your own spirits along the way.

The Gift of Your Forgiveness—Forgiveness is highly personal and should never be forced on anyone. Consider for yourself, is there something that you have carried too long and paid too high a price for? Who could you release from judgment today? Maybe it is yourself.

The Gift of Your Acceptance—Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer someone is to love and accept them—as is. We could give the same gift to ourselves. Rather than harsh comparisons with others that are inevitably hurtful to someone, what if we allowed ourselves to hold pure, unconditional acceptance of another person…and let them know that?

The Gift of Your Remembrance—This could be a card or call to someone you do not see often with a simple ‘thinking of you’ message. These spontaneous remembrances are some of the sweetest in life. Enclose a story, article of interest, clipping or a favorite memory. What a terrific surprise this can be.

The Gift of Your Treasures—What do you have that you are willing to share with another? I’m not talking about donations to the local thrift shop. I mean items of interest or beauty in your home that have served you well, given you pleasure and you are now ready to share them with others. If you have things that you want to eventually bequeath to your loved ones, go ahead, give them a gift now so that they can properly thank you and you can live to see them enjoy the treasures!

The Gift of Your Anonymous Good Deed—Do something for someone else anonymously. Be creative and have fun with this. You could pay for someone’s meal, leave a pot of flowers on someone’s doorstep, wrap one of your favorite books and send without your return address---the list is endless and exciting!

The Gift of Your Appreciation—Make a list of 10 things you appreciate about a specific person and send it to them. Combine personal, serious and humorous attributes of your friend. I guarantee  this will be one gift that is neither discarded nor forgotten.