FMLA Program for Bereaved Parents and more

Since 2011, Barry Kluger, and his good friend Kelley Farley, both bereaved parents, have been working on legislation that would grant grieving parents extended leave from work under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). Both parents lost their 18 year old daughters just four months apart in car accidents in 2001.

Kluger says that many parents are being forced back to work within days of the death of their child. These two parents want to do something about it. They feel it is unjust that bereaved parents do not qualify for this program. 

Under the FMLA program, eligible workers receive up to 12 workweeks of unpaid leave a year. FMLA requires group health benefits to be maintained during the leave as if employees continued to work instead of taking leave. Employees are also entitled to return to their same or an equivalent job at the end of their leave. Bereaved parents are not eligible for FMLA benefits and that is what these two men are trying to change.

Kluger knows this is an uphill battle, but he continues to contact and seek support from U.S. senators and members of the House of Representatives. He has a deep commitment to see this through. Both Kluger and Farley plan to travel to Washington, D.C. in March to speak in support of the Sarah Grace-Farley-Kluger Act. If you feel as strongly as they do, contact your local congress representative and senator and have them support HR2260 and S1302. To find your local representatives, visit www.opencongress.org/people/zipcodelookup.

Executive Director of Compassionate Friends, Alan Pedersen, says of Kluger, “I know the action he has taken to try and make it happen has brought healing and hope into his life…and that should be inspiring to all of us.”

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In other information dealing with Compassionate Friends, TCF offers “virtual chapters” through an Online Support Community through live chats. This program was established to encourage connecting and sharing among parents, grandparents, and siblings ove the age of 18, grieving the death of a child. The rooms supply support, encouragement and friendship. The friendly atmosphere encourages conversation among friends: friends who understand the emotions you’re experiencing. There are general bereavement sessions as well as more specific sessions. Contact www.compassionatefriends.org for additional information.

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Cookouts, parades and family gatherings across America on Memorial Day will highlight a weekend of connection and inspiration at the 22nd National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp May 27-30 in Arlington, Virginia. Speakers, sharing groups and a variety of workshops to provide tools and resources for navigating your grief journey and honoring your loved ones. Coping skills for children and teens are available at the Grief Camp. Visit www.taps.org/national to register.

Valentine's Day 2016

Valentine’s Day…a day when I  remember my child and all that she gave me…love, joy, affection, happiness, and so much more.  I was always so proud of her, her accomplishments, her grace, her beauty, her dignity in various situations, and her ability to draw people to her and embrace others with a kind and helping hand. That was my daughter, and there will never be a time that I will forget her loving embraces, her warm smile, her humor or all the good times we had together.

Her first Valentine Day cards were made at nursery school and then through the first few grades. Some of the gifts were handmade with paper, some were plaques made of plaster, but my favorite gift was the simplest gift of all, a framed piece of lined yellow paper that said, “To the best mom in the world. You’re always there for me, and I love you.” On the side of the paper she had drawn a 1^st place ribbon.

The cards were never in a serious vein, but ones that either poked fun at me or talked about my clothes, hair curlers or something weird I may have done. But they always ended with how much I meant to her and they were always signed “xoxoxo Love and kisses, Marcy.”

Later on, when she grew up, she never forgot the holiday, as I thought she might. She made sure I always had a gift on Valentine’s Day (a piece of jewelry, a new pot for the kitchen or a book I wanted) with a funny card. She was thoughtful in that respect and always tried to get something she knew I wanted or needed.

We shared so many wonderful times that I will always treasure and remember…a beauty contest she was in, a play she acted in, a trip we went on to New Orleans together (just the two of us), a speech contest that she won and her leadership abilities with her youth group that won many awards.

This unfathomable emotional loss and pain of losing a child will always be with me, but her death can never take away the beautiful memories we shared, and so on this Valentine’s Day, I don’t need gifts or cards. I have sweet memories of the one person that will always be in my heart each day and particularly on each and every Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all.

After Ten Years...

After 10 years and many phases of grief, a few parents explained how they now feel, how they are coping and whether it really ever gets better.

For one father, helping others was his reason to move on. “Rest assured, the pain never goes away. It gets softer and more bearable, but that hole in your heart is always there. Time helps soften the grief but never heals it.”

One mother said, “It feels like it just happened yesterday. And the time factor of when she died becomes important: everything is measured by before or after the child’s death.”

“I am a different person and a better person 10 years later. I found joy again both in my private and professional life. Little things don’t bother me because the worst thing has already happened and I have been able to slowly move on.”

“I found that over the years I lost some friends who couldn’t deal with my grief, but I think that showed me they were never really friends to begin with. And I have made new friends yearly, particularly by being able to share my feelings with other bereaved parents. We try to help each other.”

“In the 10 years since my son’s death, I have gone through various phases of grief. In the beginning, it was very raw, and I found it difficult to go on living. Over time, I have come to spend less time grieving, and the grief is less intense than it was. The process was very gradual.”

“Over the last decade I have worked to move my life forward in a meaningful way, said another mother. I want to honor my daughter in all areas so that she will never be forgotten by others. I have done this through scholarships, a foundation, planting trees and having plaques all over in her memory. This helps me move on with my life and allows me to do things I never even considered before her death.”

There are those who have more trouble than others, and I would advise seeking help through professional means: a grief counselor, a clergy or a psychologist. Don’t forget grief groups like Compassionate Friends with over 600 chapters across the U.S. where you can meet others who have lost children can be very helpful.

We ,who are bereaved, will never forget our children. By honoring their memory, their principles and ideals, they will always be with us, no matter how many years go by.

Crazy Good Grief

A very interesting website will connect you to Paula Stephens, bereaved mom and inspirational speaker. That site is www.crazygoodgrief.com .

Paula has spoken to a variety of groups and conferences and likes to engage and interact with people who desire to live an inspired life after loss. She wants you to feel joy again as she has and has a unique way of doing this. She believes gratitude, letting go, love, humor, adventure and a heaping dose of wellness in heart and soul will begin to shift your ‘new normal’ into a better place.

Paula lost her son Brandon in October, 2010, while he was home on leave from the Army. As all of us understand, her heart was broken. But she wanted to live the rest of her life so that the rest of the world will continue to remember Brandon and honor his life. Out of this grew Crazy Good Grief.

”I never dreamed I would be passionate about learning to thrive after losing a child,” she said. “We didn’t ask for this, no one would, but we do have a choice how we respond to it.”

Read her site, and see all the things she is involved in and does. She can be booked to speak, has a grief retreat in the Rocky Mountains grieving parents can attend, a blog to read, an online market and essential oils for grief kits available.

“I believe we need to live in the sunshine of our loved one’s life, not hide in the shadow of their death,” said Paula.

Note: Paula has a Masters Degree in Exercise Physiology and currently teaches in the Human Performance and Sports Department at Metro State University in Denver. She is a Certified Wellness Coach and Yoga instructor and teaches Yoga for Grief workshops at conferences and other events. Read her bio on her site for additional information.

Broken Heart Syndrome

There is a label for the intense pain and suffering that those who grieve may feel. It is called “Broken Heart Syndrome,” and it is brought on by stressful situations, such as the death of a loved one. It manifests as a temporary disruption of the heart’s normal pumping.

Symptoms can include chest pain and shortness of breath. It affects more women than men. It is attributed to a reaction to a surge of stress hormone, and can occur after the death of a child. The condition may also be called takotsubo cardiomyopathy, apical ballooning syndrome or stress cardiomyopathy by doctors.

It is treatable and the discomfort should abate with time. It is definitely something you should discuss with your physician. Perhaps there is something he can prescribe to help. It can be scary because you feel like you are having a heart attack.

One mother said, “There are times that I hurt so much from losing my child that I could swear that every bone in my body feels as if they are breaking along with my heart.”

In addition to losing a child or any loved one, some potential triggers of broken heart syndrome are

*A frightening medical diagnosis

*Domestic abuse

*Losing a lot of money

*Natural disasters

*Having to perform publicly

*Job loss

*Divorce

*Physical stressors, such as a car accident or major surgery

It’s also possible that some drugs may cause this condition by causing a surge of stress hormones. Again, it is recommended to talk to your doctor.

Keep in mind that heart attacks are generally caused by a complete or near complete blockage of a heart artery due to a blood clot in the wall of the artery. In broken heart syndrome, the heart’s arteries are not blocked, although blood flow in the arteries of the heart may be reduced.

Do not panic if this happens to you. Try to keep your stress level low, even though it may be very difficult at times. This is something you can get through.

More Info on In Loving Memory Conference

For those with no surviving children, the best thing you can do for yourself is to attend the “In Loving Memory” conference April 7-10, 2016, in Fairfax, Virginia at the Hyatt Fair Lakes in Fairfax.

All workshops, sharing sessions, activities and keynote speakers will address the unique needs of now childless parents. Professionals and friends are welcome to attend and learn how to assist this unique group of bereaved parents. Remember, there are no chapters in each city or state as there are for Compassionate Friends. This conference is associated with Alive Alone, the national organization for childless parents, with a gathering held every few years for these parents. For the three days of this conference, this is a great opportunity for those who fit into this category to get as much information as possible from workshops, sharing sessions and speakers to help you move on with your life. And you will learn more about Alive Alone and how it assists in resolving grief and how to reinvest your life for a positive future through the newsletter, published five times a year.

Registration is $75 until Feb. 27. After that date it is $90. The hotel rate is $89 per night until March 24. Make a reservation by calling 1-800-421-1442. You can register for the conference online or send a request to the email below. There is other valuable information on the registration form.

There will be two keynote speakers; Gam and Becky Greer and John and Rose Stanley. The Greers, from London, KY,  lost four children: Stephen in 1979, John Michael, Todd and Kami in 1995. “Now my job is to try to find my way in a world where my children are not and my grandchildren will never be. It is my desire to honor God and my children and to help other bereaved parents by “showing hope,” said Gam.

The Stanleys became very active in Compassionate Friends on the local and national level after the death of their only child, 16-year-old Susan. They have presented workshops at TCF conferences as well as In Loving Memory Conferences. John has held the positions of pastor, chaplain and Minister-Visitation of the First Presbyterian Church in North Carolina.

Some of the workshop titles include: Creating New Rituals for Special Days, How Counseling Could Help, What Gives Me Purpose Now, Grief and Addiction, Handling My Child's Belongings,Intimacy and Grief, Legal Issues, Loss and Humor, Grief in the Workplace, Struggling to Reclaim My Faith, Suicide, Exercising and Eating Right, Death of a Troubled Child, and more. Informal sharing sessions and other activities will also be held.

I would encourage anyone who is now childless to go to this conference. I did two national conferences for childless parents in 2004 and 2007 in Scottsdale, AZ, and believe there is no better place for you to find what you need to begin or continue the healing process.

For more information on the conference, go to www.inlovingmemoryconference.org or email: inlovingmemory1@verizon.net . To learn more about the Alive Alone organization, go to www.alivealone.org.

Reflections on a New Year

When I read an article that I strongly agree with and can relate to, I like to share it with all of you. Recently I received a newsletter from a TCF chapter who reprinted this article from "We Need Not Walk Alone," the national magazine of The Compassionate Friends. The article is entitled “Reflections on a New Year” by Paula Staisiunas who wrote it in memory of her daughter Melissa and the daughter’s husband Jeff Schultz who both died in a car accident seven weeks after their marriage in 1999.
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We begin a new year, one that many of us enter with reluctance. After all, it means another year away from our child and another year to be lived without the physical presence of the one we have lost. Apprehensive about any new challenges that we may be called upon to face in our broken condition, we call out, “Wait, I’m not ready yet!”

The death of our child changed the course of our life; nothing will be the same again. But it also has shaped us into who we are today. And it will continue to do so as we learn to incorporate this loss into who we are to become.

Have you found that you have already begun to live differently? Compassion toward others is more profound. Trivial things are no longer important. Appreciation for life and those in our lives, is paramount. We’re living the same life—differently.

Tragedies, disappointments, and heartaches combine with beauty, love and joy to fashion our life. These are all a part of life, and our challenge is to incorporate them into our world. The difference that our child’s life has had upon the world continues through us.

So, rather than being fearful of the challenges that lie ahead, perhaps a better question to consider at this time might be: What opportunities will present themselves in the coming year to honor this loss that is already a part of our life? Our child has become more integrally entwined into our being than ever before. We bring him or her to every situation that we encounter. How can we make that situation better because of this bond?

The start of a new calendar year is a good time to remember that we are in the midst of life. It is not perfect. Nor is it one that we might have chosen. But, our struggles do not put life “on hold.” Rather they are a part of life itself! Our life is ours to make the most of, with many gifts that we can share with others. There is no better time than the present to gather up the pieces and recognize the uniqueness that we each call “me”—uniqueness made more wonderful because of our child’s presence in the life we choose to live.