Famous People Lose Children Too

After our child died, all of us wonder why this has happened to us. We are just ordinary people living ordinary lives. Why doesn’t something like this ever happen to the well-known? You may be surprised to learn that many famous and wealthy suffer the loss of a child. Some are made public; others not. I thought you might like to see a list of some of them, names, ages (where known) and how the child died. My list follows.

The Kennedy clan has had more than their share: John and Jackie had a stillborn daughter Anabella in 1956 and premature Patrick in 1963 and then John Jr. died in a plane accident with his wife at 39. Only Carolyn survives them all. Ted Kennedy and wife had a stillborn son in 1964 and many other children in the brothers and sisters of the Kennedy’s large family have died for various reasons.

Mike Tyson’s four year old daughter, Exodus, strangled by a power cord in 2009.

Eric Clapton’s four year old son, Connor, fell out of a window in 1991.

O.J. Simpson’s one year old daughter, Aaren, drowned in the family pool in 1979.

Mark Twain lost his son, Langdon, to diphtheria at age 19 months.

Abraham Lincoln had four sons, three of which did not survive to adulthood.

Senator John and Elizabeth’s Edwards’ 17 year old son, Wade, died in a car accident.

Singer Prince and his then wife, actress Mayle, lost their week old son to a rare genetic disorder in 1996.

Audrey Hepburn had a stillborn child.

Yoko Ono had a stillborn son in 1968.

Oprah Winfrey had a son in 1968 who only lived two weeks.

Rick Schroeder and wife had a child that was stillborn in 2004.

Keanu Reeves and then girlfriend had a daughter, Ava, who was stillborn in 1999.

Luciano Povarotti and his wife had twins in 2003. Their daughter survived but their son was stillborn.

Vice-president Joe Biden’s one year old daughter, Amy, died in a car accident, along with his wife in 1972.

Barbara Eden of “ I Dream of Jeannie” had a stillborn child in 1971.

John Travolta and Kelly Preston lost their 16 year old son, Jett, in 2009.

Anthony Quinn’s first child, Christopher, downed in a neighbor’s swimming pool at age 2. (The neighbor was W.C. Fields.)

George and Barbara Bush lost their two year old daughter, Robin, to Leukemia in 1953.

Red Skelton’s 10 year old son, Richard, died from Leukemia in 1958.

Jerry Lee Lewis’s 3-year-old son, Steve, drowned in 1962. (He also lost his 19 year old son in a car accident in 1973.)

John Walsh’s 6-year-old son, Adam, was kidnapped and murdered in 1961. Walsh went on to do the TV show “America’s Most Wanted.”

Charlie Chaplin’s son, Norman, died when he was 3 days old in 1919.

Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger and then girlfriend had a stillborn daughter, Corrina, in 1968.

Writer Anne Rice’s daughter, Michele, died from leukemia in 1972 at age 5.

Bill Cosby’s son was murdered a few years ago when changing a tire on a freeway access road in Los Angeles.

A few others are Mary Tyler Moore’s son, Marie Osmond’s son and Gandi’s son.

This list only scratches the surface. You are not alone in your loss. Child loss touches most people in one way or another. It may be you, a family member, a friend or just someone you feel empathy for. Reach out to those you know. And to the others, you can empathize, knowing just how they are feeling because you, too, have been on a grief journey.

Finding Support

Everyone needs support when on a grief journey. Below are some ideas where support can be found during your grief journey.

1. Your child's friends. I know how pleased I was when my daughter's friends would call or send notes telling me how much Marcy meant to them. I, in turn, promoted that support. I wanted them to talk about her, tell me stories that perhaps I didn't know and laugh and cry with me. We all want to learn as much about our child as possible, so that we have good memories to store in our hearts. I know one lady who invites her son's friends to her home on his birthday and in addition to having birthday cake, they write messages to her son, put them inside balloons and release the balloons from her backyard. This is a really nice tradition and she is fortunate that her son had such nice friends and they continue to make it a tradition each year.

2. Reach out to your friends and say, "I need (fill in) from you. Can you help me out?" They will probably be more than happy to do whatever you need. They, too, feel helpless as to what they can do to help, so don't be afraid to tell them directly.

3. Get support from your family. Most family members will understand your every emotion during this time and want to reach out to you. Sometimes you run across a family member who can't deal with your loss and backs off from any kind of help. In most cases, they are afraid because they don't know what to say or do. Try talking to them so they understand your needs and you, in turn, can understand their fears.

4. If you can't get support from your family, try counseling. Most bereaved parents will tell you that the best counselors are those who have been through a loss themselves. Counselors can tell you rote advise that comes from books, but those who can identify with what you are feeling can be the most help. Other counselors will also try to help; it is up to you to determine how helpful they are for your needs.

5. Online support also can be very helpful. Besides the national organizations such as Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents USA and Alive Alone, there are specific bereavement support groups you can look up such as cancer groups, suicide groups, parents of murdered children, MADD and many others. Even Facebook has grief groups you can look into. Other web site bereavement support are groups like Angel Moms, MISS, Miscarriage Support, GriefNet.org, and The Cope Foundation. Whatever your need, you can find it online. The web has put grievers in touch with all types of individuals who can help you through the pain.

6. Starting your own support group where you live. Not every town or city has a support group for bereaved parents, but what is to stop you from starting one. Start by contacting the local newspaper and see if they will do a story about your first and subsequent meetings. Place flyers in hospitals, funeral homes and religious institutions to start. Call local hospice groups and contact national organziations for names in your area. Ask a church if you can hold a meeting there and go from there.

7. Music is its own support. Find a room in your home and a relaxing chair where you can reflect on your loss by yourself, a room of peace and serenity. Choose soft music that you or your child liked. Relax, close your eyes and remember your child. The music will calm your soul and allow you to remember the good memories to support you through the rough times.

8. Build a children's memorial in your city called the Angel of Hope if there is none. This Angel of Hope was created to serve as beacons of hope for those suffering from the emotional and physical absence of a child. Parents can leave flowers and notes. Candlelighting ceremonies are held once a year. There are many cities across the U.S. that have these memorial angel sculptures in a specific location such as a park or a memorial garden in a cemetery. If your town does not have one, you can be part of seeing that one gets built so you and others can have somewhere to go for comfort.

Trust the journey you are on. It will get better with time. You will never heal completely, but with support from many sources, your journey will be easier.

Grief Has Changed Me

Grief is defined as “intense mourning.” I think of grief as a lifetime journey. Your child is gone; there is nothing you can do to bring him/her back. So, for the rest of your life, you grieve for that child; you grieve the fact that you’ll never see them again, never share a moment together again or be able to hug them close. The pain at first is indescribable and unbearable. With time, love, patience from others, and perhaps counseling and therapy, the pain will ease but it will never go away. Don’t expect it to. Your heart has been ripped in two and a part of it torn from you, never to be normal again. Even when you find your new normal, the grief will be buried deep down, not visible for all to see. You alone will know it is there. You will always miss your child, love them and mourn for what might have been.

Grief has changed me:

…It has made me more conscious and empathetic of others and their problems.

…It has empowered me to do things that before my daughter’s death I wouldn’t even consider doing

…It has taught me to stand up for what I believe in and help others do the same.

…It has forced me to change my goals in life.

…It has shown me not to be afraid of crying when appropriate because I know grief is my constant companion.

…It has given me new priorities in life.

…It has made me brutally honest with everyone and everything that I now see from a different point of view.

…It has made me acknowledge that everything that happens in this world has a reason. We may not know what that reason is immediately, but eventually we will find out.

…It has striped me of everything I was before my daughter’s death and led me to a new phase of my life.

Perhaps grief is the price you pay for loving someone with every fiber of your being.

Having One More Day

What if you had a chance to spend a day with your departed child. What would you do? Would you relive a wonderful event in their life or in your life? Or would you prefer to do something you never got to do with them? Think about it and if you feel like sharing, I’d like to hear some of your stories also. Here is mine.



My daughter didn’t live long enough to have a child of her own. I’d like her to have had that child and let the three of us spend just one day together.

The child would be 3 years old, old enough to walk and talk and cute as a button in her pants and top. Marcy was not a “dress” person. She was always more comfortable in pants, top and a ponytail hairdo. And her daughter would be dressed in the same fashion. Like mother, like daughter.

The three of us would go to the zoo together. Marcy used to love going to the zoo with her father, so I’m sure her daughter would also love to go, but this time I would join them. We would hold hands and skip along the path until we came to the first cage. My grandchild’s eyes would light up and her mouth would open wide when the tiger lifted his sleepy head to yawn. Just like you, I would tell my daughter and she would smile and shake her head, remembering how much she liked the scary animals also.

And so it would go like that until lunch time, laughing, running, skipping, delighting in the animals and the surroundings. We would all have hot dogs, fries and a coke and hit the trail again, trying to find the scariest animals in the zoo.

It would be so wonderful to share a happy, carefree day like this, just the three of us in our own world. Marcy and I would look at each other and wordlessly understand the love the three of us shared. A lovely dream of what might have been...

POMC National Conference

This past week I spoke again at a workshop, this time to over 350 who attended the Parents of Murdered Children National Conference held in Phoenix, AZ. POMC spreads hope and healing to thousands who have lost a child to violence and whose lives are forever changed. It is a group no one wants to belong to and, as the chairperson said, “we wouldn’t wish it on anyone.” In that respect, it is the same as The Compassionate Friends yearly conferences.


“You don’t chose to be in this group,” says Mark LeGault, whose 19-year-old daughter Dolores was brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend in 2006. “We’re in this group because our child was murdered.”

He continued by saying, “People who have not lost a child to homicide like we have don’t know what we are going through. This group brings people together. It gives them a safe place.”

For three decades POMC has helped this one specific group of bereaved parents, whether the child was an only child or one of many in the family. It’s the third time they have come to the Valley for their conference and the second time I’ve spoken at it.

Those who come to this 3-day conference find information on a variety of topics dealing with the criminal justice system. They hear about cold cases from police officers, what prison life is like for these criminals, what parents go through dealing with the courts, healthy coping skills, connecting with your loved ones, journaling your grief, domestic violence, victims rights, parole hearings, childless issues and support circles where participants can share their stories and have a shoulder to cry on. They leave the conference having found strength and support.

Besides workshops, keynote speakers included Robert Martin, a former police detective; Dr. Joanne cacciatore, who counsels those affected by traumatic losses; chief Daniel Garcia, Phoenix Police Chief; Bill Montgomery, Maricopa County Attorney and Judge Ronald Reinstein.

Along with a silent auction, bear raffle, comfort room and children’s healing hurt sessions, participants received a lot of valuable information to use in their grief journey. In addition K9 Crisis Response Dogs were present. These dogs travel the nation and provide a caring presence during times of pain and hurt. They claim that with a dog at your side, you can get through anything life throws your way. The kids at the conference especially liked the dogs.

The workshop I did was “For Those Left Childless.” I must say, it was one of the best workshops I’ve given because of the participation and lots of good ideas tossed around from those who attended. We discussed: What is the most difficult situation you have dealt with since your only child died? This led us to talking about: Are we still a mother? How do you answer the question: how many children do you have? Gone are the happy occasions. What affect does losing your only child have on your marriage? If single and alone, what now? Who will take care of me when I’m older? Are you losing friends who don’t want to be around you anymore? Are you grieving differently that your spouse and the importance of making a new will or trust.

For more information on POMC and a chapter in your area, contact: www.pomc.org or 1-888-818-7662.

Pursuing Ways To Help Others

One bereaved mother I spoke to at the Compassionate Friends conference recently spoke about how she actively pursues ways to help other bereaved parents in her hometown. What she said made a lot of sense, and I’d like to pass along her suggestions to you.

First of all, she uses the newspaper a lot. She reads the obituaries and when she finds a child who died, she sits down and writes letters to those parents, telling them how sorry she is and explaining that there is hope after their loss to move on with their lives. She may even make some suggestions, depending on how much she finds out about the child. If she can’t find the person’s address, she can usually get their email and contact them that way.

With a special grief calendar in hand, she writes down the anniversary of every child she knows who has died and on that day contacts the parents by either calling or sending a thinking of you card. Parents don’t want anyone to forget their child and this soft reminder that someone out there cares is very comforting.

She even goes out of her way to visit the bereaved, bringing a cake, candy or flowers on the anniversary of the child’s death. She said she finds that bringing a rose bush to plant so that the parents can watch the roses grow gives them hope for their future also.

Parents are always saying that others don’t understand what we are going through and it is important to teach them how to act and react to our grief so as to be helpful, not hurtful in comments and actions. In her community she even started a group for bereaved parents to show them that, indeed, we are different people than we were when our child was alive. She encourages others to find new goals in their lives. What was once important may no longer have any meaning to us. Some days may be overwhelming and we may cry in front of others. The best thing others can do, and we can encourage them to do so, is to give us a hug and know that one day we will be whole again. These are some of the ideas she talks about in her grief group.

By doing these things to help others, she believes she is also helping herself, for who can best understand how a bereaved parent feels more than another bereaved parent. Perhaps some of these ideas will work for you too.

The Birdhouse Project

One of the most interesting workshops I attended at the International Compassionate Friends conference was called The Birdhouse Project. It is a step-by-step symbolic project to help us identify and find our way back to life after a loss.

Each of us in the workshop was given a cardboard birdhouse to put together consisting of seven pieces. On each piece on the side which would eventually face the inside of the birdhouse when we were done, we were asked various questions about our lives.

On the first piece of the birdhouse we needed to recognize the forces, beliefs or people that create a strong enough foundation for us to move forward. Sometimes deciding what doesn’t belong in our lives is just as important. The question we answered was “Who am I?” We wrote our answers on this cardboard.

As the audience listening put the pieces together symbolically with the cardboard, the speaker used actual wood and nailed the sides of his together until it was completed.

The second piece we were to answer, “What questions or emotions are we still struggling with?” By identifying what feelings are keeping us down, we can start to move beyond them. The question: What do I feel now?

The third piece is to identify things we wish we would have done differently: things we should have said or opportunities we wish we would have seized. The question to write answers to: “How am I physically reacting to emotions I feel?

Fourth, our affirmation is the first thing we see as we enter this new life we are creating. An affirmation is a positive quote, thought or phrase that motivates us, and it is the one lesson we need to be reminded of every day. The topic that went on this portion of the birdhouse: “I can…” This gives us something positive on which to focus.

Fifth, is our goals, our measureable steps we take to feel good about your affirmation. It outlines the actions you will take in order to get where you want to be. Symbolically, these are the last things you see before you step out of your safe space (the birdhouse) and fly out into the larger world. Try for three measurable goals. The question that is answer on this piece of the birdhouse is “How can I accomplish what I affirm?”

Now our birdhouse has a foundation and four walls. The shelter, the roof of the birdhouse is the largest piece. On this piece is expressed the people, obligations and feelings we vow to keep safe. After rebuilding our life, we are going to want others to come and see the new us; this shelter piece represents our promise that we are dedicated to keeping it together, even when the weather gets a little rough.

Now all the pieces should be together with all the writings facing in. When this is done, attach the perch. Give others a place to stand and an open invitation to come and see the safe space you have created, and let them decide if they trust it enough to stay for a while. It takes time for others to understand what we’ve been through, so give them a place to sit while they think about it.

By seeing how these pieces represent the pieces of our lives, we can express our weaknesses, strengths and desires as we symbolically rebuild our lives so we are ready to host new life. This building process encourages us to spend time exploring our emotions and putting each in its proper place. Whether we share our feelings or keep them to ourselves, the important thing is that we are putting the pieces back together in a meaningful, constructive way.

You may want to revisit your affirmation and goals from time to time and (just like life) you may need to clean the birdhouse out every few seasons to make sure you are keeping things fresh. This is how you start over: step-by-step, studying each piece of your experience in the hopes of understanding what will make you whole again – or maybe whole for the first time.

I hope we all give our lives some thought and meaning and build our birdhouses to express our struggles, strengths and dreams. It is never too late to pick up the pieces of our lives and put them back together.

Note: Sorry this wasn't published this past Sunday as all my blogs are done on Sundays, but I didn't realize that I had put in the wrong date for this blog.