For the next two weeks I will be printing some comments and excellent thoughts I have received from some of you. Some comments were printed after certain blogs I have written over the years and some are from comments made on Open To Hope articles I wrote (next week's blog). A few of you asked for answers, which I have tried to provide. If you have missed any of these topics, you can always read any article, which are all here for you or under my name on Open To Hope. It is always interesting to read other opinions and perspectives on any topic related to a child’s death, so here we go:
Dealing with a child's death with medicines- “We lost our 24 year old son three years ago, along with my job. My husband’s sales plummeted and we ended up moving to a new state for a fresh beginning. This did not work. I was left alone a lot as he worked overtime. He would also say that he hated it there. Now in another state with family, he still works overtime and still says he hates it here. You suggested meds as a possible solution. Don’t forget counseling. I do not know what to do with him. He wants to move back to our old hometown and not live with family members. He never went to grief counseling. He never talked to anyone. He says he is fine and we are picking on him. I am at a loss, as I don’t want to go back there. I feel he is still bitter, but just cannot see the damage he inflicts. He was a happy, outgoing, involved heavily into church person. Now, I have to drag him to church. He says he hasn’t made friends at church. But at our old church, he turned down every invitation to go out with another couple. Do you address this issue in your books?” Anonymous
Editor’s note: First, let me say I have summarized what this lady said; she does go into a little more detail, but space limits me. The two ideas that immediately come to mind that I write about in my new book deal with ‘anger’ and ‘guilt.’ Some others on ‘how men grieve,’ ‘grief in the workplace,’ and ‘how parents show their grief,’ might be of help. Not knowing the circumstances, it is hard to understand what is really bothering him. But in these coping articles and others I write about, perhaps something will click and you can go from there. Getting him to talk about his feelings or having him talk to someone else close to him may also help. I don’t pretend to know all the answers; these are just some suggestions. Time is the greatest healer and for some, it can be a very long time. Don’t give up on him. Good luck!
Saving your marriage- “Sandy, thank you so much for doing your part to dispel the awful myth that a marriage has to fail after the death of a child. It does such a disservice to grieving parents everywhere.” Mary Tousley
Laughter is the best medicine- “This is so true. I remember the summer after my son died, Wipeout aired on TV. It was the first time in 7 months that my husband and I laughed in a truly carefree way. And it’s such a strange thing to laugh at, but we were and still are very thankful for that show.” Ebe
Giving Bereaved Parents Time Off- “OMG I don’t think I could even return to work after two weeks. It’s been almost 22 months and I wouldn’t be ready now. But that’s me. I think the Family Medical Leave Act should cover this in the case of child loss. Everyone grieves differently, some parents might want to return to work right away but I wanted (still do) to hide away. I am on SSDI so I guess I have the poorly paid luxury (LOL) of doing so.” Sherry
10 Upsetting Things To Experience- “ ‘It’s nice to see you smiling’ or ‘You are such a strong woman, I can’t believe how well you are handling this!’ These things send me right back down into the pit of darkness. I strive to find moments of joy everyday but the tears are always lurking in the background just waiting for a crack in the armour. It’s been 107 days since my youngest child (16) died and the past few days the pain feels brand new again.” Janice
And another on the same topic- “I hate the phrase, ‘God wanted another angle’. Well, if he did, make another! We parents don’t understand that. At least this one doesn’t.” Sherry And still another- “When someone asks me how many children I have I say, One in Heaven (because that’s where he is), the other one here. My son died 6 months ago at the age of 18, and I can really relate to most of the list. I do not believe my son is an angel because that’s just not what the Bible says happens to us as Christians when we die.” Anonymous
More comments will appear next week
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Four Conferences This Summer
Four conferences are available for bereaved parents this summer: TAPS, Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents USA and POMC.
May 27-30, 2011 TAPS
This is the 17th Annual National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp at the Crystal Gateway Marriott in Arlington, VA. Anyone who has lost a loved one in the military can benefit from this seminar. For the children they also hold a Good Grief Camp during this time, so that the entire family can receive help. Visit http://www.taps.org/ for details and to register or call 1-800-9598277, even though the main deadline of May 1 has passed. I'm sure they will let you attend if you ask.
July 15-17, 2011 Compassionaete Friends National Conference is in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Sheraton Bloomington Hotel this year. Reservations must be made by June 21 and are subject to availability. King or doubles are $129; $139 for triples and $149 for quads. There is a free shuttle to and from the hotel and airport in addition to the Mall of America during the conference along with free parking. There are over 100 workshops to choose from including childless workshops and workshops for those who are newly bereaved and seasoned grievers. Other workshops are for siblings and also grandparents. Keynote speakers and sharing sessions are also included. Usually around 1,500 people attend. Additional information is at http://www.compassionatefriends.org/
July 29-31, 2011 is the Bereaved Parents USA Gathering at the Sheraton Reston Hotel in Reston, VA. Hotel rates are $99 for one to four people. Make reservations by June 26. Call 1-703-620-9000. A free shuttle between the hotel and airport is provided and parking is free for those with cars. BPUSA is a smaller conference but tries to have lots of workshops as Compassionate Friends does. Some of the keynote speakers will include Darcie Sims, Mitch Carmody and Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley. Additional information is at http://www.bereavedparents.org/ .
August 4-7, 2011 is the POMC 25th National Conference at the wyndham Airport Hotel in Milwaukee, WI. Call 1-414-481-8000. Rooms are $111. Register before July 6. POMC stands for Parents of Murdered Children and is a large national organization dedicated to those specific bereaved parents. Check the website at http://www.milwpomcsupport.com/ for more information.
I would encourage you to try to attend one of these. It is amazing how much you can get out of them in addition to making contact with other bereaved parents who understand what you are going through.
May 27-30, 2011 TAPS
This is the 17th Annual National Military Survivor Seminar and Good Grief Camp at the Crystal Gateway Marriott in Arlington, VA. Anyone who has lost a loved one in the military can benefit from this seminar. For the children they also hold a Good Grief Camp during this time, so that the entire family can receive help. Visit http://www.taps.org/ for details and to register or call 1-800-9598277, even though the main deadline of May 1 has passed. I'm sure they will let you attend if you ask.
July 15-17, 2011 Compassionaete Friends National Conference is in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Sheraton Bloomington Hotel this year. Reservations must be made by June 21 and are subject to availability. King or doubles are $129; $139 for triples and $149 for quads. There is a free shuttle to and from the hotel and airport in addition to the Mall of America during the conference along with free parking. There are over 100 workshops to choose from including childless workshops and workshops for those who are newly bereaved and seasoned grievers. Other workshops are for siblings and also grandparents. Keynote speakers and sharing sessions are also included. Usually around 1,500 people attend. Additional information is at http://www.compassionatefriends.org/
July 29-31, 2011 is the Bereaved Parents USA Gathering at the Sheraton Reston Hotel in Reston, VA. Hotel rates are $99 for one to four people. Make reservations by June 26. Call 1-703-620-9000. A free shuttle between the hotel and airport is provided and parking is free for those with cars. BPUSA is a smaller conference but tries to have lots of workshops as Compassionate Friends does. Some of the keynote speakers will include Darcie Sims, Mitch Carmody and Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley. Additional information is at http://www.bereavedparents.org/ .
August 4-7, 2011 is the POMC 25th National Conference at the wyndham Airport Hotel in Milwaukee, WI. Call 1-414-481-8000. Rooms are $111. Register before July 6. POMC stands for Parents of Murdered Children and is a large national organization dedicated to those specific bereaved parents. Check the website at http://www.milwpomcsupport.com/ for more information.
I would encourage you to try to attend one of these. It is amazing how much you can get out of them in addition to making contact with other bereaved parents who understand what you are going through.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
No More Pictures!
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL
Editor's Note: I thank Kay Bevington for sharing her views on keeping photos and memorabilia as an answer to my post on April 24. Portions of her thoughts are below.
Pictures, pictures, pictures, that word makes some of us uncomfortable and for some it makes us want to scream - NO MORE PICTURES! Having pictures taken of us after the death of our only child or all children is often very difficult and for a time impossible. Taking pictures of places we visit or people that we socialize with is often something we no longer have any desire to do.
I vividly remember the first time our church pictorial was to be printed after my only child, Rhonda's death. It was difficult because it would be the first photo of Rodney and I without our daughter. It was even more poignant because the previous time that the church pictorial was printed, Rhonda had worked as a receptionist for the photo taking of the families of the church. We almost did not have it taken but then decided it would be one thing we would do in Rhonda's memory. I remember coming home and crying for a long time after that photo sitting. On the positive side, I now realize years later, it was a giant step on our healing journey to force ourselves to do something that was umcomfortable but also something we would be faced with for the rest of our lives. We were now a couple and no longer a family of three.
Not long after Rhonda's death I began to realize that no one really cared about photos that we took when we vacationed or met with groups of people. Once in a while, we would take a few photos but rarely shared them with anyone. Gradually over the years we have ceased taking photos, and I no longer keep srapbooks or photo albums as I feel it is a waste of time and money. Who will want them anyway when we are gone? I figure nieces and nephews or a person disposing of our personal items after we are gone from this earth, most likely will not care. So I have decided to save them from this task and not take photos or make scrapbooks.
When attending family reunions, class gatherings or on vacations, often photographers take group shots and then sell them to the participants. We always avoid purchasing them. We tell those who ask why we don't purchase them, that because we have no living children, they would just gather dust and someday be disposed of, so why bother. It usually makes the questioner do a double take and then apologize for asking, forgetting that our only child is deceased.
The word 'pictures' has a totally different meaning for parents with no surviving children. Photos of our child are our most prized possessions, but photos after our child/children are deceased have very little meaning for us.
Editor's Note: I thank Kay Bevington for sharing her views on keeping photos and memorabilia as an answer to my post on April 24. Portions of her thoughts are below.
Pictures, pictures, pictures, that word makes some of us uncomfortable and for some it makes us want to scream - NO MORE PICTURES! Having pictures taken of us after the death of our only child or all children is often very difficult and for a time impossible. Taking pictures of places we visit or people that we socialize with is often something we no longer have any desire to do.
I vividly remember the first time our church pictorial was to be printed after my only child, Rhonda's death. It was difficult because it would be the first photo of Rodney and I without our daughter. It was even more poignant because the previous time that the church pictorial was printed, Rhonda had worked as a receptionist for the photo taking of the families of the church. We almost did not have it taken but then decided it would be one thing we would do in Rhonda's memory. I remember coming home and crying for a long time after that photo sitting. On the positive side, I now realize years later, it was a giant step on our healing journey to force ourselves to do something that was umcomfortable but also something we would be faced with for the rest of our lives. We were now a couple and no longer a family of three.
Not long after Rhonda's death I began to realize that no one really cared about photos that we took when we vacationed or met with groups of people. Once in a while, we would take a few photos but rarely shared them with anyone. Gradually over the years we have ceased taking photos, and I no longer keep srapbooks or photo albums as I feel it is a waste of time and money. Who will want them anyway when we are gone? I figure nieces and nephews or a person disposing of our personal items after we are gone from this earth, most likely will not care. So I have decided to save them from this task and not take photos or make scrapbooks.
When attending family reunions, class gatherings or on vacations, often photographers take group shots and then sell them to the participants. We always avoid purchasing them. We tell those who ask why we don't purchase them, that because we have no living children, they would just gather dust and someday be disposed of, so why bother. It usually makes the questioner do a double take and then apologize for asking, forgetting that our only child is deceased.
The word 'pictures' has a totally different meaning for parents with no surviving children. Photos of our child are our most prized possessions, but photos after our child/children are deceased have very little meaning for us.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Comfort Company Can Help on Mother's Day
The Comfort Company is an online retailer of unique sympathy gifts for the most difficult day of the year—Mother’s Day. Grieving mothers deserve support and recognition on this day.
The company has identified the 10 best ways to show love, support and sympathy by running a web-based survey asking grieving mothers, “What can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on this day? Perhaps you can let them know.
The number one answer did not surprise me. The bereaved parent still wants to be recognized as a mother. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted her loss to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half of the mothers surveyed considered Mother’s Day to be their most difficult holiday.
I know that I am always grateful to hear from others on that day, a call, a card or an email tells me that both my daughter and I are remembered. I do not received many, but treasure the ones I do get.
Erma Bombeck said in a column she wrote for Mother’s Day many years ago, “Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.”
Here is the list of the ten things grieving mothers want most for Mother’s Day from the survey.
.
1. As stated above, recognize that they are a mother with a hug, a heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day”, or a simple card to let them know you remember that they are a mother, even though their child is not with them physically.
2 Acknowledge their loss with a powerful message: I know this might be a difficult day, and I want you to know I am thinking about you today. Removing the wall of silence gives a grieving mother permission to talk about the child.
3. Use the child’s name in conversation. One mother said, “ say his name and ask me my fondest memory.
4. Plant a living memorial: a tree or flower bulbs in memory of the child that will live on.
5. Visit the gravesite. Many mothers felt that it was extremely thoughtful when others visited their child’s gravesite and left flowers or a small pebble hear the headstone.
6. Light a candle in memory of the child and let the mother know.
7. Share a memory or picture. Give the precious gift of a memory.
8. Send a gift of remembrance. Items include anything personalized with the child’s name such as a piece of jewelry, a memory box, a picture frame or a donation in the child’s name.
9. Don’t minimize the loss. Avoid clichés that attempt to explain the death, such as “you still have two healthy children.”
10. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Send a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered and take her mind off her grief for a while.
To learn more about how to support a grieving mother and find unique sympathy gifs, visit the company at www.thecomfortcompany.net .
The company has identified the 10 best ways to show love, support and sympathy by running a web-based survey asking grieving mothers, “What can others say, do or give that would bring you comfort on this day? Perhaps you can let them know.
The number one answer did not surprise me. The bereaved parent still wants to be recognized as a mother. In addition, nearly every mother surveyed wanted her loss to be remembered with a card, a phone call, a gift or a hug. Over half of the mothers surveyed considered Mother’s Day to be their most difficult holiday.
I know that I am always grateful to hear from others on that day, a call, a card or an email tells me that both my daughter and I are remembered. I do not received many, but treasure the ones I do get.
Erma Bombeck said in a column she wrote for Mother’s Day many years ago, “Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.”
Here is the list of the ten things grieving mothers want most for Mother’s Day from the survey.
.
1. As stated above, recognize that they are a mother with a hug, a heartfelt “Happy Mother’s Day”, or a simple card to let them know you remember that they are a mother, even though their child is not with them physically.
2 Acknowledge their loss with a powerful message: I know this might be a difficult day, and I want you to know I am thinking about you today. Removing the wall of silence gives a grieving mother permission to talk about the child.
3. Use the child’s name in conversation. One mother said, “ say his name and ask me my fondest memory.
4. Plant a living memorial: a tree or flower bulbs in memory of the child that will live on.
5. Visit the gravesite. Many mothers felt that it was extremely thoughtful when others visited their child’s gravesite and left flowers or a small pebble hear the headstone.
6. Light a candle in memory of the child and let the mother know.
7. Share a memory or picture. Give the precious gift of a memory.
8. Send a gift of remembrance. Items include anything personalized with the child’s name such as a piece of jewelry, a memory box, a picture frame or a donation in the child’s name.
9. Don’t minimize the loss. Avoid clichés that attempt to explain the death, such as “you still have two healthy children.”
10. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Send a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered and take her mind off her grief for a while.
To learn more about how to support a grieving mother and find unique sympathy gifs, visit the company at www.thecomfortcompany.net .
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Possessions: What Happens When We Are Gone?
When we are gone, who will want our pictures and possessions, especially if we have lost our only child? If we have surviving children and/or siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, will any of these people want the items we now cherish, or do these items loose their meaning entirely when someone in a family dies.
Throughout my life and my daughter’s, I took many photos, saved many possessions and encouraged her to do the same. Here I am with all these memories that I enjoy having, and it scares me to think of what may happen to them when I am gone.
There are surviving children who are known to throw away, give away, sell, shred or even burn parents’ photos in addition to other parental possessions they don’t want. So should we bother with all the effort we put in to taking photos, buying knick knacks and gifts for others and/or making scrapbooks in our lifetime?
Many parents say they don’t bother taking photos of trips, cruises or the like anymore. Nor do they make any effort to buy something beautiful such as glass sculpture, just to have them disposed of by surviving children or relatives.
I completely disagree. No matter where they may end up, I enjoy making memories and hope that others can relate to that. But if someone in the next generation, that is, children or other relatives, don’t want any of these memories, well, at least I had the pleasure of enjoying them for as long as I could. I particularly enjoy those photos or items that belonged to my now deceased only child. I have many photos, some possessions and two videos.
I don’t want my daughter to be forgotten, but you have to have caring people in your life who want to keep her memory alive after I am gone, and what better way to do that, then by having photos and possessions to look at and relive those wonderful times and pass on stories for generations to come.
I’d be interested to know how others see this situation and how they deal with it. Send me your comments.
Throughout my life and my daughter’s, I took many photos, saved many possessions and encouraged her to do the same. Here I am with all these memories that I enjoy having, and it scares me to think of what may happen to them when I am gone.
There are surviving children who are known to throw away, give away, sell, shred or even burn parents’ photos in addition to other parental possessions they don’t want. So should we bother with all the effort we put in to taking photos, buying knick knacks and gifts for others and/or making scrapbooks in our lifetime?
Many parents say they don’t bother taking photos of trips, cruises or the like anymore. Nor do they make any effort to buy something beautiful such as glass sculpture, just to have them disposed of by surviving children or relatives.
I completely disagree. No matter where they may end up, I enjoy making memories and hope that others can relate to that. But if someone in the next generation, that is, children or other relatives, don’t want any of these memories, well, at least I had the pleasure of enjoying them for as long as I could. I particularly enjoy those photos or items that belonged to my now deceased only child. I have many photos, some possessions and two videos.
I don’t want my daughter to be forgotten, but you have to have caring people in your life who want to keep her memory alive after I am gone, and what better way to do that, then by having photos and possessions to look at and relive those wonderful times and pass on stories for generations to come.
I’d be interested to know how others see this situation and how they deal with it. Send me your comments.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Springtime Thoughts
After an unusually, stormy, cold winter all over the nation, spring has finally arrived. The days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer, and the flowers are now blooming. Along with nature’s beauty comes thoughts of our children who are no longer with us. Oh, how they, too, would love the beautiful sunsets, seeing the return of the birds from the south and perhaps experience a new crop or newly born animals coming out of their winter shelters.
But they will not see any of this, and it makes me very sad to think not only what we parents have lost but also of what they, our children, have lost. It was only after my daughter died that I came to appreciate the little things in life, stopping for a moment to listen to two birds talking to each other, watching airplanes leave streaks across the clear blue sky; and seeing Marcy’s favorite flower blooming, the lily, knowing that I will leave those flowers on her grave the next time I visit the cemetery.
Many, many things I have come to realize are not very important when you compare them to losing a child: the daily baseball scores, the fact that gasoline has gone up another penny, the most recent Hollywood couple to divorce. We don’t always have good days; the sense of loss and emptiness is greatly intensified on these beautiful days.
The coming of spring does not make everything okay again. What it does do is offer hope: hope that the pain of losing your child will ease a little with each passing year, hope that your grief work will help you in the healing process, and hope that you will be able to move forward into a new life full of promise.
Spring reminds us that regardless of what has happened in our lives, nature’s process continues as we must also. Be kind and patient with yourself. Don’t expect too much, too soon, but try to let a little of the hope that spring can offer into your body, and notice the smile that will form both on your face and in your heart.
But they will not see any of this, and it makes me very sad to think not only what we parents have lost but also of what they, our children, have lost. It was only after my daughter died that I came to appreciate the little things in life, stopping for a moment to listen to two birds talking to each other, watching airplanes leave streaks across the clear blue sky; and seeing Marcy’s favorite flower blooming, the lily, knowing that I will leave those flowers on her grave the next time I visit the cemetery.
Many, many things I have come to realize are not very important when you compare them to losing a child: the daily baseball scores, the fact that gasoline has gone up another penny, the most recent Hollywood couple to divorce. We don’t always have good days; the sense of loss and emptiness is greatly intensified on these beautiful days.
The coming of spring does not make everything okay again. What it does do is offer hope: hope that the pain of losing your child will ease a little with each passing year, hope that your grief work will help you in the healing process, and hope that you will be able to move forward into a new life full of promise.
Spring reminds us that regardless of what has happened in our lives, nature’s process continues as we must also. Be kind and patient with yourself. Don’t expect too much, too soon, but try to let a little of the hope that spring can offer into your body, and notice the smile that will form both on your face and in your heart.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Upsetting Bereaved Parents Part 3
Part 3 in a 3-part series of upsetting things for bereaved parents to experience after the death of their child includes some additional thoughts that were discussed. There are some very similar ones to what all bereaved parents voice, but all of these parents have come up with some ideas that the others have not or just expressed them differently.
1. Hearing people laugh and feeling like you will never feel such joy again.
2. If you shed a few tears when someone asks about your child, they immediately change the subject not allowing you to experience and feel the moment.
3. Your dreams of future times with your child and any grandchildren—all gone.
4. No one asking about your child on Mother’s Day or any other major holiday.
5. Hearing others say, “Oh, I know how you feel; I lost my dog.”
6. Being told I need to get over it.
7. Seeing friend’s children graduating, getting married, having children.
8. Co-workers complaining because their child hasn’t called in a week and knowing my child will never call again.
9. People saying “now you don’t have to worry about them anymore.”
10. Missing being a family and never seeing your child experience life.
11. Dreaming about your child and waking up to disappointment it was not real.
12. Special anniversary dates: birthdays, anniversaries.
13. The awareness that this is not a bad dream; this really happened.
14. The feeling of abandonment
15. Losing best friends who can’t deal with us because they think we have changed.
1. Hearing people laugh and feeling like you will never feel such joy again.
2. If you shed a few tears when someone asks about your child, they immediately change the subject not allowing you to experience and feel the moment.
3. Your dreams of future times with your child and any grandchildren—all gone.
4. No one asking about your child on Mother’s Day or any other major holiday.
5. Hearing others say, “Oh, I know how you feel; I lost my dog.”
6. Being told I need to get over it.
7. Seeing friend’s children graduating, getting married, having children.
8. Co-workers complaining because their child hasn’t called in a week and knowing my child will never call again.
9. People saying “now you don’t have to worry about them anymore.”
10. Missing being a family and never seeing your child experience life.
11. Dreaming about your child and waking up to disappointment it was not real.
12. Special anniversary dates: birthdays, anniversaries.
13. The awareness that this is not a bad dream; this really happened.
14. The feeling of abandonment
15. Losing best friends who can’t deal with us because they think we have changed.
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