Dehydration During Grief Can Cause Problems

Unrecognized chronic dehydration is a condition affecting a good majority of people who are grieving.

According to Dr. Lou LaGrand, grief counselor and author of eight books, this is a hidden condition occurring in non-mourners and mourners alike at any age and plays a major role in your health. From this condition you can develop headaches, confusion, stomachaches, sluggishness, dizziness and falling. Grieving exacerbates dehydration due to the emotional swamp that has to be navigated.

“Daily water consumption is an essential part of self-care and a critical coping technique when mourning a death,” he said. “Grief work is highly stressful demanding great energy and endurance. Water will help in reducing the physical pain of grief and in supporting brain maintenance.”

Dr. LaGrand in this ezine article lists what you should know about daily water consumption and dehydration while grieving.

1. Drink water at specific times before you get to the “I’m thirsty” stage.
How much water should you drink? At least 40 ounces per day. That is equivalent to five 8-ounce glasses.

2. Before each meal drink 8 ounces. It is good for your kidneys. After each meal drink another 8 ounces. Already you have taken in six of the eight glasses. Two other glasses during the day is attainable. You will know if you are drinking enough water if your urine is clear or lightly colored, not dark.

3. You must eat. One reason is that you need to keep your electrolytes normal. Thesee are substances like sodium, potassium, chloride, calcium and magnesium. If you do not, you could have blood pressure problems and confused thinking. Just drinking water (not sports drinks or sodas) will not give you those minerals. Veggies, fruits and nuts help and at a time when you don’t feel like eating a whole meal, this will suffice.

4. Developing new routines such as drinking enough water and creating a new normal (the title of my new book that came out this month dealing with coping techniques and strategies) will help you immensely during your grief period to stay healthy, reduce the physical pain associated with grief and give you the energy you need to deal with whatever you must face to move on with your life.



NOTE: Next week I will report on the National Compassionate Friends Conference I will be attending and speaking at July 2-4 in Washington, D.C. I hope to see some of you there; please come up and introduce yourselves. I'd love to meet you.

New Book Is Available!

I just received the exciting news that my new book is completed and has gone “live.” That means all the bookstores like Barnes and Noble.com, Amazon.com, iUniverse.com, and many others have it available for purchase. The book is a series of articles on general coping strategies, coping with special days of the year, informational techniques to use to cope, my personal coping strategies, ten inspirational stories from other bereaved parents, book recommendations and resources from general bereavement support groups to web sites and chat rooms.

It is full of ideas for bereaved parents to use, to pass along to others and most importantly, a guide for other family members, friends and therapists. For example, there are articles on dealing with anger, commonalities between bereaved parents, recognizing guilt, how women and men grieve, dealing with pain and suffering, inappropriate responses to bereaved parents, accepting other’s beliefs during grief, getting through the holidays, finding organizations for volunteering, inspirational music for the bereaved and many, many more ideas. I hope all of you reading this blog will get a copy, and see if it can be of help to you too.

Coincidentally, Marcy’s husband, who survived the car accident, has also written a book recently about his 16-year journey from near death to full recovery. I read it, and it is a riveting account of what he has gone through to become whole again. It is called Rise and Shine, by Simon Lewis, and I would recommend it to anyone who has had to deal with the medical profession, insurance companies, cutting-edge medical technologies and treatments to restore one’s health. It is an inspiring story tracing the neuro-rehabilitation he endures in search of the full recovery of his mind and the struggles and decisions one must face during the recovery period. I sent him an email telling him how much I enjoyed it but have not heard back from him.

I also want to thank all of you who have written me lovely notes about my writings through the years, and I hope you will continue to keep in touch with me and/or comment on any of the blogs I write each week.

Tribute to a Friend

Today's writing I dedicate to a friend who died recently. She was a special friend, and a loving, caring mother, grandmother and wife. She was also a good teacher, always concerned about her students and their lives, always helpful where she could be. Most importantly to me, she knew my daughter, Marcy, for most of her life.

She and I knew each other for over 35 years. We met when she began teaching at the same school that I was teaching, and she stayed for even longer than I did. After I retired, she continued to substitute teach until a few weeks before she died, even in the face of illness and pulling a needed oxygen tank behind her all the time. She didn't care what anyone thought; she loved those kids and they her. They found her easy to talk to about any problem they had, whether it was with school, friends or family, and many times used endearing terms such as "Aunt" or "Mama" before her name. She was concerned and cared about each and every one of them in addition to being a good teacher.

Her children and Marcy grew up together. One of her sons was the same age as Marcy, and they belonged to the same organizations, went to religious school together, knew the same people. She followed Marcy's activities and life, always complimenting me very sincerely on an award she won, her engagement, her marriage.

When Marcy died she took it very hard and was always kind enough to mention her when appropriate and empathize when appropriate. She had no trouble bringing up her name and referring to events long past, as so many others seem to have trouble doing. I appreciated that more than I can say. I find it hard to think of her as no longer here, even though she lived a long, productive life. I can see her face at places I go and at activities I know she participated in, and I can't help but smile when thinking of her.

It is no different with my daughter. I always imagine seeing her in crowds and think of what a great time she would have had at various events. I think of what her life would have been like with her husband, with children, with friends, with family and with a great career.

The death of a friend is very sad and our child's death unthinkable, but we have memories that will always be with us, fond memories that we are able to recall at any given moment. The memories will always remain deep within us. We can look back at these memories and know our lives were blessed and enriched for having known and loved them. As for my friend, I will always think of her with very fond memories.

Summer Vacations

Time to think about your summer vacation time. As bereaved parents, we almost dread it. All we can think of are the wonderful vacations we had when our child was alive. Now we wonder if we can face going anywhere without them. What are some things we can do to make our new normal more enjoyable this summer?

Ask family members if they have any special places they’d like to go this summer. You may be surprised at their answers, which may include something their sibling, who is no longer here, may have always talked about doing or something they think will make you, as a parent, feel better. Don’t discount that children, at times of stress, can come up with good solutions.

You might want to think of a place that you and your family have never been or something you’ve never done that you always wanted to do like going on a cruise. Share that with your family and get their reaction. On a new location, you will not have to recall any old memories of years past and even though you will still think of how much your child would have liked this also, it is part of your new beginnings.

Your spouse may also have good suggestions for a vacation. Listen closely to what he/she has to say. Where you might have thought originally his idea would definitely not work for you, spouses may have a good point and thought it through more clearly than you at this time in your life.

Visit family and friends who live far away. Know that they will avoid talking about your child who died, so you will need to make it comfortable for them to do so by just telling them you’d like to hear some stories from days gone by. Sharing memories is very helpful for the grieving process and will put your family and friends at ease.

Don’t plan too much during your vacation. Being overtired and irritable will not be fun for you or your family, and going, going and doing, doing, will not help you forget. You will never forget your loss, so try to take care of yourself when traveling to stay in a good frame of mind for everyone else also.

To relax during your trip take some books or games for both solitary relaxing and family fun with monopoly, scrabble or Clue board games. Leave the computer behind as well as your usual busy activities and enjoy the moment. In our grief journey, we need to clear our heads to think rationally and these activities can help.

I’m not saying you should never think of the child you lost during your vacation, but try to think of good memories. Remember how much your child loved some of the activities you did together and know that he/she would want you to continue to enjoy your life because you know the child will always be in your heart and mind and never forgotten.

Hospice Care Professionals

If you have ever been involved with or heard of HOSPICE, you probably know it is a fantastic concept of caring for individuals by health professionals and volunteers for those near the end of life. Hospice gives medical, psychological and spiritual support. The goal is to help people who are dying have peace, comfort and dignity. They also help in the bereavement process for individuals and families after the loved one dies.

There are many misconceptions about what hospice can do for you, so here are some facts. Hospice care can take place at home, at a hospice center, in a hospital or in a skilled nursing facility. The care is provided to patients who have a limited life expectancy. Volunteers can come to your home and visit with the patient, help with daily chores like shaving and bathing and they can keep the patient company. Therapists, clergy, and counselors can come by to help also. Professional medical care by doctors, nurses and home health aides is given and sophisticated symptom relief provided. The patient and family are both included in the care plan and emotional, spiritual and practical support is given based on the patient’s wishes and family’s needs. The goal of the hospice team is to be sensitive and responsive to the special requirements of each individual and family. They emphasize palliative rather than curative treatment; quality rather than quantity of life, allowing the dying to be comforted.

I do know many who have had experiences with hospice and all of them were pleased with the care received and the caring atmosphere all around them. Keep in mind that the quantity and quality of all services can vary significantly from one hospice to another. To find the best hospice for your personal needs, ask your doctor, clergy, social workers or friends who have received care for a family member.

Hospice coverage is widely available. Check with your employer or health insurance provider. For older individuals Medicare and Medicaid provide hospice care. If you are not covered, some hospices will provide for anyone who cannot pay, using money raised from the community or from memorial or foundation gifts.

Finding a hospice program that meets your needs may take some research, but it will be worth your while to spend the time. You need to consider quality of care, availability of neded services, personnel training and expertise and coverage. Your community may have information and referral services available through the American Cancer Society, United Way, Visiting Nurse Association or your place of worship. Sometimes just looking in the yellow pages or going to google is helpful.

Once the patient has died, many families need help to get through their grief journey and their services provide that also by continuing their contact and support for at least a year following the death of a loved one. Many hospices also sponsor bereavement groups and support for anyone in the community and grief groups are very helpful whether a child or adult.

No amount of knowledge can prepare us for bereavement. Grief is the most intense and enduring emotion we can experience. There are no quick fixes, no short-cuts. An ancient African saying says, “There is no way out of the desert except through it.” Knowledge of the grief process gives us a very generalized map of the terrain we have to cover. Each of us will take a different route. Each will choose his own landmarks. Each will travel at his own unique speed and will navigate using the tools provided by his culture, experience and faith. In the end, he will be forever changed by his journey.

What Sayings May Mean To You

This week I’ve thought about three quotes I believe have lots of meaning dealing with children, their life and their death. After each quote I tell you how I relate that quote to my life and the life and death of my daughter. See if you can do the same. It’s part of letting go and knowing we did what we could as parents and should be proud of that.


A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child. Forest E. Witcraft

My child was brought up with a good background, filled with parents who loved her, and given everything she wanted and needed. She grew into a fine human being and was beginning to make a difference in the world because of who she was. For example, she loved helping people with their problems (maybe because her life was problem free) and was always available to her friends and family. Although her life was cut short when she was killed in an automobile accident, I can only wonder what she would have accomplished given the chance to make this world a better place. I was so proud of her, and she, in turn, loved us and knew how to love others. Her upbringing, my advice, always making time to talk to her and her own keen sense of knowing who she was, were key factors in her accomplishments.


The best thing to spend on our children is our time. Louise Hart

We must make time for our children. We must choose in life what is important to us and what is not. My child was important and teaching her right from wrong, instilling good morals and always being there when she needed me, helped her to develop and grow. I was a very busy person when my daughter was growing up and there were times I could not be there for her. I constantly worried and felt guilty about that time and how it could be detrimental in her upbringing. I was wrong. Putting her in a nursery school setting so I could go back to school to earn my master’s degree turned out to be the best for both of us. She learned to depend on others, she learned communications skills and she learned to adapt to other children. But it made the time we were together very precious and kept us always close. My daughter turned out to be my best friend when she was a teen and older, and I realize that even though I couldn’t spend every second with her, I did bring up a fine human being.


We worry about what a child will become tomorrow,
yet we forget that he is someone today. Stacia Tauscher

I tried very hard not to push what I wanted on my child. I remember that I was so excited when she went to my alma mater. She could be in my sorority because she was a legacy. When she called to tell me that she chose not to be in any sorority, it took me a long time to understand it was her choice to make and not mine. She fared very well in college despite my worries she wouldn’t meet anyone if she didn’t join a sorority. Her dad always wanted her to be an accountant like himself, but that was not in her plans. She was a communication’s person and all on her own got a terrific job as a marketing director for the L.A. Music Center. If you are lucky enough to still have children growing up, set them free and let them fly on their own. I am confident they will find their way.

How to Choose Sympathy/Funeral Flowers

Flowers can be comforting for those suffering a loss. They are appreciated by most. But knowing what type of flower or plant to get for funerals and how to care for them is usually left up to a florist's knowledge. Barbara Jackson is a world renowned, highly equalified professional florist in Oldham, Manchester, UK, and has dealt with many who have had needed flowers for both happy and sad occasions. She realizes most need help in chosing what is right to give. She relates in this article that appeared on Ezine Magazine on the internet, what many need to know about one aspect: purchasing funeral flowers. Thanks, Barbara.
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A funeral is a very, very sad time for most families and as such care should be taken in purchasing any funeral flowers. Funeral flowers are the perfect way to share your grief with the bereaved.

There are many different types of funeral arrangements, and you must bear in mind that different cultures sometimes may view funeral flowers in a different light to yourself. It would be a good idea to talk to the bereaved or someone close who understands their needs or culture to make sure you get it just right or you could talk to a professional funeral florist who know how to deal with this very sensitive issue.

Sympathy Flowers
There is a wide variety of sympathy flowers you could send, you would send these as a friend or colleague to the family as a token of your shared grief and the flowers are usually kept at the home after the funeral to provide comfort for quite a few days after. These can include such things as; small vases simply designed, hand tied bouquets, cello wrapped bouquets or a rose plant perhaps.

Funeral Flowers
Funeral Flowers are different than Sympathy Flowers as they generally go with the funeral to the church or crematorium and again can be delivered to the house or to the funeral directors to place on the grave. You would need to check this with the family or ask a professional funeral florist whom you would like to commission to create the flowers for you.

These can be sent from family members, friends and colleagues and should be in the form of a sheaf (flowers wrapped in celephane and hand-held) at the budget end through to posies, open spray, casket spray, wreaths, tied sheafs, love hearts, pillows, cushions, wording in flowers, designer pieces such as trucks, bikes, or anything that can take your imagination. The latter tend to the most expensive but are usually quite large and stunning!

For both Sympathy and Funeral flowers, if you know what the deceased favorite flowers were, it might be a very touching gesture to send those types of flowers as it will help to comfort the family to no end and help to share their grief which will be much appreciated.

When to Order
You really need to order the flowers, either Sympathy or Funeral as soon as you know the funeral date. This gives the florist lots of time to create your stunning bouquet, arrangement or wreath etc. The flowers should be delivered at least two hours before the time of the funeral. Most professional florists are extremely good at dealing with funerals and will have answers to all your questions and will be able to advise accordingly.

Tip
Don't try to do this yourself as the last thing you want is for things to not be quite right or worse, they arrive at the wrong time at the wrong place. Put your trust in the professionals; they know what they are doing.

AfterCare of the Funeral Flowers
If the flowers are to be kept at home following the funeral here are some tips to help them last... The only flowers really that are taken home or kept at home after the funeral would be the sheaf or potted plant. We will deal with the sheaf first.

AfterCare of The Sheaf
Unpack the flowers from the cello wrapping and cut the stems on an angle about 15mm up from the bottom. This will help the flower to take in water as over time if left, the flower stem will seal itself and prevent the intake of water. Arrange the flowers in a nice vase.

AfterCare of The Potted Plant
These are relatively easy to look after. All you really have to remember is to keep away from any heat and check the water regularly. The best way to see if a plant needs water is to push your finger into the soil up to the first knuckle joint and if this feels moist the plant doesn't need watering. You can overwater plants and some drink more than others, so check regularly.
Again ,if you are not sure about aftercare, consult with your professional florist.